A Thanksgiving Coming Out Story

Has it been a month already? Time flies. Well, as is often the case when I don't update regularly, I have a bunch of things to talk about. Too many for one entry. So I'll split it up!

Today's topic: Roger's coming out at Thanksgiving.

First, a recap. Roger is my cousin. I have always been close to him and his brothers, Gavin and Brad. They are like the brothers I never had. Until I received confirmation early this year, I long suspected that Roger was gay, as did many others in the family (and out of the family for that matter). Roger is the type that is fairly obvious . . . but also oblivious to how obvious he is. He's not really feminine . . . I guess a little flamboyant? Hard to really describe. But you'd know. And it's not just his love of Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift and other pop music divas. It's not just his obsessive devotion to working out and posting pics on Instagram of him in his underwear. It's not just that he's never had a girlfriend, but has plenty of "girlfriends." It's just something about his demeanor that causes people to assume. Now of course, all of those things I listed are stereotypes. But when they're all present in one individual, it makes you kind of wonder.

What it didn't make me do, however, was come to a definitive conclusion. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. No matter how many beefcake photos were floating around on Instagram, and no matter how many gay clubs he accompanied me to (at which he ran into people he knew), I was determined to let him come out in his own time, if there was even anything to come out about (oh, who was I kidding?)

When it became apparent that he knew his way around West Hollywood way more than I did, however, I began to get impatient. The final straw was when he came out to my friend Chris when Chris asked him point blank, and followed up the admission with, "Don't tell Cal."

Chris did tell Cal. And Cal did not understand WHY Roger didn't feel comfortable telling him.

I had come out to Roger more than two years earlier! Surely if anyone was safe to tell it would be me!

I had a conversation with him and pretty much confronted him with the issue. And he finally came clean to me. He also gave me permission to tell his two brothers, deciding he didn't want to tell him himself (they were already just as sure as I was, we had speculated together and were worried about Roger).

This began a snowball effect, and Roger subsequently came out to his close friends. He allowed me to tell my parents, and he talked to my mom openly about it at a family gathering (his parents weren't there, they live elsewhere).

He began to target Thanksgiving as the time that he would do the hardest task: come out to his own parents.

Background on Roger's parents: They are very conservative. They practically live in a right-wing bubble. Their home is in a rural gated community, and their only source of news is Fox News and conservative talk radio (so, rather one-sided). They also have been out of the workforce since practically the late 80s, and thus have even more limited exposure to other points of view. They run their own business out of their home now. As such, their views on homosexuality are . . . a bit antiquated. They've never said anything offensive to my face, but they have to my mom. They've expressed their concerns about me getting diseases, or having a shorter lifespan, or being promiscuous. That pissed me off more than a little. Do they know how unpromiscuous I am?

Knowing them as being so conservative and ignorant about gay people, I had been nervous to tell them about myself back in the day, in 2012. More nervous than I was to tell my own parents. Fortunately (?) I didn't have to. Roger took the initiative to tell them himself. It was over the phone. The conversation went something like this:

Roger's parents: So what did you do this weekend, Roger?

Roger: Oh, I hung out with Cal and Ben.

Roger's parents: That's nice. Who's Ben?

Roger: Umm . . .

This is where he could have said, "Cal's friend." Instead he decided to out me. And then he didn't tell me what he'd done until a month later, after I found out through my mom that his parents already knew somehow.

In any case, I digress. I am not vengeful, so I certainly wasn't going to out him to his parents. He needed to do it himself. And I assured him I'd have his back, as would his two brothers. I gave him the following caveats: 1) Don't tell them on Thanksgiving Day. Wait until at least the next day.  2) Don't tell them that a bunch of family members already know, unless you absolutely have to.

Cut to Thanksgiving. My other cousins and I pick Roger up from the airport. He's sporting his earrings in his recently pierced ears. Now, I don't think this is really the signal for "gay" that it used to be. But remember, my uncle and aunt live in a time capsule. Brad figured that this would force the issue, but I was skeptical. They'd seen him with magnetic studs in a Facebook picture. Surely these wouldn't be that big a deal?

Well, they were a big deal. His father pressed him on it, and pressed him on it. Until Roger decided to come clean right then and there.

I don't want to get into too much detail here, as the details of the conversation are between my cousin and his parents. Plus, I wasn't even present. As soon as I got the text from Roger saying "I told my dad!" I decided to go outside to give the family some privacy. Note: this was about 20 minutes before Thanksgiving dinner. Caveat 1 violated.

After loitering around outside in the dark and cold, texting Gavin and Brad to get them home as soon as possible (figures they were gone when this went down!) I tried going back in to see if the discussion was ongoing. I heard a short snippet of conversation indicating that Brad was having to explain who else already knew. Oops, there goes Caveat 2.

Ultimately, it went okay. The topic came up repeatedly over the course of the weekend, but never with me. Gavin talked to them, Brad talked to them, Gavin's fiancee talked to them. I'm sure they probably felt awkward bringing it up with me. I know at one point they asked Roger if I had anything to do with it (as if I corrupted him or influenced him). This pissed me off even though I knew it was coming. Roger had mentioned to me before that they had asked about me in that way. I know they're just ignorant and grasping at straws. Roger insisted that it was something he'd always known, that I had nothing to do with it, and that it was something innate.

In the end, Roger felt hugely better, like a great weight was lifted off his shoulders. I'm happy that I sort of got the ball rolling on his coming out process this year. His parents will take time to adjust. It's one thing when it's your nephew. It's different when it's your own son.

But, I have faith in them. Back when I was with Ben, they chatted with him on Facetime during the holidays. And after my break up, they were the only ones to call me especially to offer their condolences and to express regret that they didn't get to meet him. That phone call was one of the most touching things anyone has ever done for me.

So in the end, they still love Roger. They're not the kind of parents to disown him or try to make him change. And for that I am thankful.

So far so good

Hello all,

A quick update before the holidays. I will be taking the whole week off of work to drive up to Northern California to visit family, as well as YouTube Guy and his boyfriend.

Things are still progressing with Dean. It's been about a month and a half since we first met. I've accompanied him to a couple parties and have met several of his friends and coworkers. They all seem to like me. He has also come and hung out with me and my troupe friends a couple of times. One friend was slightly bummed that I brought him to a sketch show she performed in . . . she wanted to set me up with her friend in the group. I can't help but wonder whether that was a case of "Oh, I know a guy who'd be perfect for you!" "Oh really, how come?" "Well, he's gay, you're gay . . ."

Dean is a really great guy. Really friendly, fun, outgoing, and considerate. Part of me is just waiting for him to end things, haha. I'm doing all I can to get rid of my cynicism and allow for the possibility that maybe, just maybe this one might actually like me.

I still suffer from obsessive rumination about my past relationship, especially as Thanksgiving approaches and I am reminded of the time that my ex accompanied me across the country to my parents' house. I bounce between trying to cast my thoughts in a healthier light and just trying to suppress them entirely. I worry that I will never again be so enthusiastic about a new relationship, but I also wonder whether that isn't actually a good thing. Sure, I'm not head over heels for this new guy, but that would allow me to enter into a relationship with both eyes open. Any feelings would develop slowly out of getting to know one another and sharing experiences, and wouldn't be based on some stupid infatuation. I don't know. Just going with the flow.

The big upcoming event at Thanksgiving? My cousin Roger is going to come out to his conservative parents. And I'll be there. Should be interesting.

A promising guy

I had one of my blog readers comment to me that things must be going well, since I haven't updated lately. I guess you could say that, haha.

I did fully intend to write more often, regardless of my mood. I've just had other things on my mind lately, I guess. Maybe I'll answer more of those thought questions soon.

In any case, things are indeed going pretty well.

I'm still seeing Disney Guy, and he probably deserves a proper pseudonym. Let's call him Dean.

Since I met him at Disney Gay Days, we've hung out three times. Every weekend except one.

The first weekend, we spent a lot of time together. We had dinner at a nice restaurant, went to a dance club, saw a play, and lounged around. It just kind of happened that way since we had both come up with ideas for our first proper date.

The second weekend he came down to my neck of the woods and watched my improv show. Then we had brunch the next morning and I drove him up to one of my favorite viewpoints. Perhaps some other stuff happened in between there . . .

The third weekend we were too busy to hang out, but we did talk on the phone.

This past weekend I drove up to go to a Halloween party with Dean and his friends. Had a great time. I spent the night and we had breakfast the next morning before I needed to leave for a family gathering.

I'm liking him so far. He seems like he has a good head on his shoulders. I'm not getting troubling mixed messages. We usually check in via text about once a day or so. We click well personality wise. He's got a good, fascinating career in entertainment that he's been doing for quite some time, which speaks to his level of maturity and stability.

I'm definitely taking it slow. I'm just focused on getting to know him for now, especially since this is another guy that I can only see on weekends due to distance. I won't be able to see him this weekend because of more family activities (my mom is in town), but I'll probably visit him the week after. I'm still chatting with a couple other guys from OkCupid and Tinder that I have been corresponding with, but I'm not really messaging anyone new.

Dean identifies as a "top," which would be new for me if we were to enter into a relationship. I told him I lack experience in that realm but think I'd prefer a fairly versatile dynamic. He said in a relationship he'd be open to that. I'm not too worried about that kind of thing for now. I'm just focused on enjoying getting to know him. I'm just happy that I feel the potential for feelings for someone who, at least on the surface, seems to be emotionally healthy.

Disney Gay Days

I returned to "Gay Days" at Disneyland for the first time since I attended with Ben two years ago. The reclaiming continues!

This time around I went with my increasingly out cousin Roger, my youngest cousin Brad (the one I first came out to), and his girlfriend. The trip was actually in honor of Brad's girlfriend's nephew's birthday. The fact that it was during Gay Days was a (happy) coincidence.

I was a little disappointed that both Brad and his girlfriend seemed a little . . . critical of the idea of Gay Days. They didn't understand the "goal" of it and thought it was inappropriate for a family park.

For those who don't know, Gay Days is not an officially Disney-sanctioned event. But they do a little more than just tolerate it. Certain restaurants in the park even sell rainbow colored cake during the event. Mainly its just your typical day at Disneyland, except with a bunch of people wearing red and a lot more same-sex couples holding hands. Basically it's how I would imagine a day at Disneyland would be like if gays were a little less of a minority than they are now.

I didn't really ask, but I wouldn't be surprised if Brad and his girlfriend have softened their stance now that they have experienced it and didn't witness any debauchery going on.

The most notable thing that happened: I met up with a guy that I had met on Tinder. He lives in LA and was at the park with a huge group of people. It took some time to coordinate, but I finally was able to meet him (briefly) outside the Haunted Mansion. Later on I joined his group to ride the Cars ride at California Adventure. After that, most of his group went home so he and his female friend joined the four of us to attend World of Color and ride Space Mountain.

We seemed to click quite well. At the Mad Tea Party (basically the Disney version of a rave if you can imagine that, haha) we even ended up kissing a little bit. He initiated. I was very self-conscious kissing in a Disney theme park, but it was nice. During World of Color he put his arm around me, and I reciprocated. At Space Mountain we rode together. When we parted we kissed again. I made a somewhat impulsive comment about not wanting to make a scene. He responded by saying it wasn't the first time that two guys made out at Disney. I don't know . . . I know it shouldn't bother me but I guess I'm still not super comfortable with PDA. I realize that most of the making out I have done with guys has been in private. Ben was even more shy about that than me, so I never ran into this issue with him.

It was kind of odd meeting him for the first time while with my family. At some points I was walking and talking with him instead of my cousins, which made me a little self-conscious. But he's super nice and got along well with everyone.

In any case, we made tentative plans to have a proper date this coming weekend. During the week we each came up with separate ideas of things we could do in LA. Ultimately we decided to do them both: one on Saturday night and one on Sunday night. I know two dates in one weekend might be a lot for someone I just met, but I'm not too worried. He seems like a really cool guy, and both events sound super fun.

As if that's not enough, another guy from Tinder wanted to meet up, so I've made lunch plans with him for tomorrow. One minor detail: he lives right near Ben. The first restaurant he suggested is just a couple blocks away from Ben's house, and is a place we went to together several times. Suffice it to say I wasn't quite comfortable having a first date with a new guy in that neck of the woods, especially since it would be my first time going back. So I suggested we meet in Silver Lake instead.

So, looks to be another fun weekend. I look forward to getting to know Disney Guy better. I'm also glad I have another date so I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket.

Said and done

Question 4

When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

Logical answer: Yes. Easier said than done, so likely said will outweigh done.

But this is more of a thought-provoking question rather than one that calls for an actual answer.

My twenties are in the past. My "youth" years are fleeting. Definitely my problems have been 1) developing a life focus and all that comes with it, including goals, plans, etc., 2) getting out of my own way and allowing myself to follow my heart and true interests instead of what I feel I "should" do, and 3) learning to take chances, put myself out there, and take risks.

I feel I am making progress in these respects. But is the progress fast enough? Developing my improv comedy hobby has been a major blessing for me. It has allowed me to express my creativity, which has been a treasured part of my personality ever since I was a little kid but has been tragically underutilized during my adult life. As for the rest of my life though, I feel like I haven't really "done" much. I'm still in exploratory mode, but that can't last forever.

I want to find someone to share my life with. I want to develop myself into the strong, confident person that I know I have the potential to be. I want to live a life of meaning. I want to enhance the lives of those I love. 

Maybe I do have goals after all.

Different priorities

The radio silence from Tinder Guy finally got too much for me, so I decided to text him and bid him farewell, saying that I assumed his nonresponsiveness was an indication that he did not want to meet up again.

He texted back and apologized for not responding. He said that he is busier than ever before finishing up his PhD, and he really needs to focus on that "without distractions." He said he hoped I understood. I said I did, and left it at that.

So this is two guys from Tinder (him and Beach Guy) who I really liked, but who aren't serious about dating because of other issues (discontent with career and desire to move for Beach Guy, focus on schoolwork for Tinder Guy). I'm beginning to wonder whether I should give Match.com another try. Since it's paid I feel like I'd be more likely to find guys on there who are actually serious about finding a relationship.

My cousin Brad and his girlfriend are visiting LA this weekend. On Sunday we're planning to go to Disneyland. Incidentally, it is Gay Days this weekend. Last time I went to Gay Days at Disneyland was two years ago with . . . Good! The reclaiming continues.

Square one again

Time to take a time out from the thought questions so I can give an update on my dating life. Well, I'm back to zero prospects. The two major prospects, Tinder Guy and Beach Guy, have both run their course.

Tinder Guy has stopped responding to my texts, which is a huge bummer since I really thought he was a cool guy and thought he liked me too.

Beach Guy was starting to become uncommunicative so I texted him indicating that I sensed he was not interested in dating and that was fine, and that I'd like to still hang out if he would. He responded saying he's not sure what he's looking for, he's planning to try to get a job in another state, and he didn't know how to tell me. He did say I'm a great guy though, for what that's worth.

On the positive side of things, I've been feeling better than ever about Ben over the past couple of weeks. A lot of that has to do with some reading I've done about narcissism. Now, I don't think he's got full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but it was quite striking how some of the writings about relationships with a narcissist paralleled by own experience. Especially the three phases of the relationship: idealization, devaluing, and discarding. It calls to mind how enthusiastic Ben was at the beginning, how he grew a bit more distant shortly after telling me he loved me, and then how he jettisoned the relationship suddenly. Now, I know it's foolish to try to psychoanalyze someone from afar, but looking at his behavior through this lens has made a lot of the bizarre things he said and did make sense for the first time. And that has made me feel better, and given me actual reason to believe that it really wasn't my fault (even though logically I knew it wasn't, it was hard to really feel that way). Narcissists have a hard time empathizing with others, and even though they come across as very charismatic and caring at first, they ultimately prioritize their own feelings and ego over the feelings of others. These are things that I decided upon independently about him, even before reading about narcissism. What I know about his childhood is consistent with the theory as well.

Bottom line, thinking along these lines has really helped in knocking him off the pedestal I had him on, which is something I've been struggling to do for the last year and a half.

I was tested the other day when I received an email in my inbox. Someone had apparently had their account hacked or infected or something, and emails with a likely malicious link were sent out to their address book contacts. And guess who that someone was? My heart skipped a beat when I saw his name show up in my inbox, but I immediately saw the generic spam message in the subject line and knew the truth. I laughed about it afterwards.

In other getting-over-the-ex news, I went hiking with my friend Walter in the place where Ben and I went on our third date. I hadn't been back since. That was an important location to "reclaim." It was also the location where Ben gave me the "boat without a rudder" speech and friend-zoned me (temporarily). I remember how disappointed I was that day. If I only knew.

Let Cal be Cal

Question 3

If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

A very good question. I think a lot of us take a while to fully understand ourselves and what makes us happy. We do things we don't like out of a sense of obligation, and because of the influence of others. Only as we mature do we realize that what is right for our loved ones isn't always right for us.

As for the second part of the question, there are many reasons why we like things that we don't do. Sometimes we might be embarrassed or ashamed about enjoying our true interests. Or we don't pursue those things because of low self efficacy or self esteem.

I think over the last couple years I have grown leaps and bounds in this respect. I am increasingly able to accept myself for who I am, and enjoy things I like unapologetically. I was not always like that, that's for sure. Back in middle school and high school I was very paranoid about being thought of as a "nerd," so I purposefully turned my back on certain "nerdy" interests like Star Wars, and resisted associating too much with certain people that might have become good friends had I given them the chance.

The same thing applies to dating. It took a long time to come to terms with my interest in dating guys, but a couple years ago I finally took the plunge. And improv comedy, which has become such a major hobby of mine, only came about because I allowed myself to explore my natural interests without letting my own head get in the way.

I definitely think a major key to being at peace with myself is to allow Cal to be Cal. I think I'm on the right track.  

Trying

Question 2

Which is worse, failing or never trying?

Well, the answer that you'll probably hear most of the time is that never trying is worse. And for many situations this is true. Research suggests that people tend to regret more that which they didn't do, rather than that which they did.

So how might this apply to my own life? I backed out of the opportunity to go to graduate school to study neuroscience, for one. Several people encouraged me to go give it a try, but ultimately I decided that it just wasn't worth it to me. To this day I still wonder what could have been. But then I read yet another article about the perils of academia and the abysmal state of funding for biomedical research and I feel a little better. If I had gone and "given it a try," I fear that it would have been very hard to quit midway. Do I still feel a degree of envy for the grad students and PhDs that I know? A little bit. But at the same time, many of them have left academia (or don't plan on staying in it). I think I made the right decision. You really need a huge passion for science and research to make it worth it. Like my good friend YouTube Guy!

In the end however, I think it is generally better to try and fail then to never try at all, as long as the possible benefits outweigh the risks. I'm a rather risk averse person, I'll admit it. Perhaps excessively so, and I can't say I'm in the best place in life right now, largely because of my inertia and fear of change. But at the same time, I am willing to "try" things when they feel right to me. I know it took me years of self-analysis, but eventually I worked up the nerve to try my hand at dating and coming out as gay. I'm still waiting on the long term benefits of this decision (where's my "It Gets Better"?) but it still took guts and I'm proud of myself for it. My "trying" improv led to me eventually joining a troupe, and I'm still enjoying that decision.

Now I just need to figure out what to try next.

Age is just a number

I read a lot of inspirational, self-help websites, especially when I'm feeling down about dating, career or life in general. One pretty cool one is marcandangel.com

I liked the list of questions on http://www.marcandangel.com/2009/07/13/50-questions-that-will-free-your-mind/ so I thought it might be fun to address some of them. It will give me more blogging material.

First question:

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

That's interesting to think about. I'm 30. Still hard to believe that my 20s are a thing of the past. I certainly don't feel much different. And if I didn't know I'd probably still think I was in my 20s. My life hasn't changed on the surface much since 27. I still live in the same place and have the same job. My room is still a mess (Beach Guy said I live like a college student when he saw my place . . . it's true. But he still lives with his parents, so . . .). Fact is, I do not have a mind for style. I do not decorate my room. My room is pretty much a functional place, a place for me to sleep, play video games and just chill. I still have a twin size mattress, which serves its purpose but does get a little . . . cramped when I have a guy over.

As I increasingly realize that I cannot make finding a relationship a priority, I know that improving myself should be number one. One thing I need to do is continue to mature. In many ways I'm very mature and always have been. I've never been one to do irresponsible things like party, drink excessively, use drugs, sleep around, etc. And usually I think positively of my non-materialistic nature. At the same time, however, I realize that the things I do care about, such as relationships, might be strengthened if I put more focus on things that I don't really care too much about in and of themselves. I'm far from a workaholic for example, but ambition is a desirable trait, so I probably need to focus on career a bit more than is in my nature.

Hopefully before I get too far into my 30s I will begin to figure out how I can move ahead with life and start feeling more like a "grown up." Unfortunately one of the things I strongly associate with that is having a stable relationship, which still seems so way off. I honestly don't know how I even wound up in a relationship at all the first time. It all happened so fast. Both the beginning and the end. I don't know how to do it again. And being who I am, mind always going . . . I'm constantly looking for a solution. And when guy after guy lead to nothing but disappointment, it makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong, and what area of maturation I should be focusing on.

But the thing about age, it is relative. Life is not the same for everyone. 30 for me could be radically different than 30 for someone else. Heck, I didn't start seriously dating until 27, a full decade after most people. So I need to also be able to cut myself slack over the fact that I'm a bit delayed.

Spend my days locked in a haze, trying to forget you babe

I haven't been all that inspired lately to update about recent goings-on. Just kind of more of the same. I went out with Tinder Guy and had a very nice lunch a few weekends ago. We walked down to the ocean and talked for a while. And he suggested he'd like to see me perform some time. But then through subsequent texting he mentioned how he thought he might be too busy to hang out again for at least several weeks (he lives more than an hour away). Our texting has dropped off, and I figure if someone says something like that it suggests they're not really that interested in seeing you more. Because if you really made any kind of impression wouldn't they want to make time? I don't know, what do you think? He seemed really interested when we met up in WeHo and I thought our lunch date was nice, but maybe I just failed to ignite a spark again.

As for Beach Guy, we've hung out four times so far. I am completely the driver of it though. Whenever I propose to hang out he has zero ideas about what to do and I have to plan everything. We've kissed and fooled around, but he doesn't initiate communication very much. In person I enjoy his company, but he sort of comes across as low energy. So, I don't really think it's going anywhere.

My mind is always going. It's a blessing and a curse. I think if anything my blogging has exemplified the "curse" aspects. Let's just say I understand the sentiment of that song that's on the radio now, "Habits" by Tove Lo. Though I'm not a pot smoker myself and have never even tried it, the lyrics of the song sort of strike a chord with me. "I got to stay high all the time just to keep you off my mind." I totally understand why people turn to substances to distract themselves. Thoughts of the ex, Ben, seem to always float in my consciousness. Sure, other things cover it up but when there's nothing else those thoughts are able to rise. That's one thing that improv has given me, a way to keep my mind occupied, to challenge myself and fight the thoughts and the missing him. Being past the year and a half point, it's harder and harder to justify why I feel this way still, for someone that I only dated for 2/3 of a year and haven't seen since. I swear, there's people who lose 10 year relationships that probably get over it quicker than I have. Why can't I MAKE myself believe that it will get better, that I'll find someone new, someone better, someone healthier? One thing I've never been good at is deluding myself. Honesty is my number one policy, and that includes honesty with myself. It seems I can't just STOP missing him. I have to accept that yes, I do miss him and that's okay. I have to accept that yes, in many ways that relationship was exceptional, especially for me. Trying to deny it, trying to tell myself Nah, he wasn't THAT great just doesn't work. Because I remember how happy I was, how much fun I had, and how optimistic I was becoming. I don't want to make myself believe that all of that was a delusion, that it was just due to naivety.

I admit, I get self-conscious when I bring up the ex in my blog. I imagine that there are readers out there who roll their eyes at mention of him. Get over him already! But once again, honesty is my policy. And if one, two, five or ten years after the break up I'm still thinking about him, then what else can I do besides mention it in my writing? I can't be fully true to myself by leaving it out. 

The rarest type

My name is Cal. And I am addicted to personality typing.

For the last several years, as I've gotten super serious about figuring myself out, I've gone through periods where I'll do a lot of reading about Myers-Briggs types. It probably started with the purchase of the book, "Do What You Are."

I'm a bit ambivalent about the Myers Briggs. On the one hand, it is widely used by career counselors, employers, and many psychologists. On the other hand, it is not without controversy. Some people question its validity, which is only natural since humanity is certainly too complex to be neatly sorted into 16 discrete categories.

And yet, I always find reading about it fascinating. Perhaps it's my version of astrology.

In any case, the rest of this entry will be written assuming there is at least some validity to the Myers-Briggs.

I usually test as an INFJ, the most rare of types. Most sources I find estimate that only 1% of people are an INFJ. No wonder I feel so out of place a lot of the time!

For those unfamiliar, here's the break down of what those letters mean:

I: I'm an introvert, as opposed to an extrovert (E). This does not necessarily mean the same thing as shy. Shy is socially anxious. Introverted just means I gain more energy and spend more time in the "inner world" than in the "outer world." INFJ's are actually often mistaken for introverts, and I can say the same thing about myself. One of the greatest compliments I ever received was when an undergrad in the lab I used to work in denied that I was an introvert. Truth is, I love people and communicating. I just don't necessarily find it easy or effortless, and I often need to recharge alone after a lot of it.

N: I'm intuitive (as opposed to sensing), meaning I pay a lot more attention to thoughts, ideas, and implications than I do to the physical world around me. This makes a lot of sense to me. I admit it, I'm not "with it" when it comes to the concerns of the outside world. My room is usually a mess. I hate daily tasks like cooking and cleaning (unless they can be made into a social activity). I'm not particularly materialistic. I like intellectual conversations and am good at grasping concepts.

F: This one's a close one. I'm a Feeler rather than a Thinker. It's about how I make decisions. Clearly (if you've read this blog) I am a very cerebral, logical person. But when it comes to making decisions, my values and emotions often win out. Hence why I turned down a grad school offer when it didn't feel right to me.

J: I'm stronger in "Judging" than "Perceiving." This is the least intuitive category, but basically it means I prefer closure, stability and order to ambiguity, spontaneity and disorder. I might be near the middle since I'm definitely not Type A and do consider myself quite laid back, but over all I do get stressed out with ambiguity (my blogs wouldn't exist other wise, haha).

INFJs are often drawn to two main types of careers . . . "helping" careers (teaching, counseling, health care, etc.) and "artistic" careers (writing, music, acting, etc.) That's pretty spot on since I work in something health care related and have artistic hobbies!

In relationships, INFJs are focused on deep, meaningful relationships and usually have little interest in one night stands (bingo).

As for what types they tend to be attracted to romantically . . . one of the top ones is ENFP. Which makes a lot of sense to me! I find people who are more extroverted than me to be attractive typically, and I also like people who are more laid back and spontaneous than me. However, I like to feel an intellectual connection and also like to share common values.

Thinking of the guys that I tend to be most attracted to, in retrospect they often seem to fit ENFP. Whether they actually are or whether that's just the way they present themselves is another question. I'm pretty sure that a certain former flame was guilty of hiding behind a facade.

Now, whether I should actually use personality typology to target possible matches is questionable. It is quite common for people to state their Myers-Briggs type in a dating profile. Just like anything else, it's just a fun thing to consider.

Your turn, what is your Myers-Briggs type?

Wisdom from an unlikely source

I've caught up a bit lately on my guilty pleasure show: Teen Wolf.

That show is better than a MTV teen supernatural drama has any right to be. The acting is great, the character relationships are compelling (all of the actors that play the parents are amazing), the eye candy is superb (the creator is gay, so I'm sure it's no accident that there is ample beefcake), and the story lines are fairly complex.

The themes of the show are great as well. The show is all about friendship, persevering against impossible odds, family, and growing up. Several scenes I have watched recently have struck an emotional chord with me.

First is a scene between the main character Scott and his mother. He is having trouble controlling his werewolf powers, and tells her he always controlled them before by using his "anchor." Trouble is, his anchor was his ex-girlfriend. Then his mother tells him this:

"Sweetheart, let me tell you something no teenager ever believes, but I guarantee you is the absolute truth. You fall in love more than once. It will happen again. It will be just as amazing and extraordinary as the first time and maybe just as painful. But it'll happen again. I promise. But until then, be your own anchor."


Call me a sap, but when she said this it brought tears to my eyes. I naturally thought of my own ex, and my struggle to find again what I felt with him.

Now of course, later that same season Scott does meet his next love interest. But hey, he's got a team of television writers on his side.

The next scene that struck a chord with me was a scene where Scott is talking to Dr. Deaton, the local veterinarian who also happens to be an expert on the supernatural and his mentor (pretty much the Rupert Giles character for you Buffy fans). Deaton talks to Scott about "regression to the mean." Basically the theory that things will always regress away from the extremes toward the mean. So when times are tough they are bound to get better. Likewise, when times are good they are likely to be followed by times that are not so good. Bottom line, I shouldn't think of good times in the past as being the only good times there will be. And I shouldn't get down when times are not so good, because it won't last forever.

Yes, I received inspiration from a teen soap on MTV about werewolves. But that's what I love about art, whether it be a TV show, a video game, a movie, a book, a song, or what have you. It is a way to share important ideas about the human experience with each other in an entertaining way. 

A little recap

Another post because I have a lot on my mind.

The European Guy that I have been casually seeing has really developed feelings for me, and I had to give a little talk to him today to let him know that I just don't feel the same way. This guy is not exactly out and it turns out I'm the first that he has admitted such feelings for . . . so I do feel bad. But I don't want to lead him on since I'm now quite sure that it just isn't there for me.

I've set up a date on Saturday with Tinder Guy, the guy who I met up with in WeHo for the first time this past weekend. He seemed very nice, so I look forward to it.

There has been quite a flurry of meet ups lately, so at Jerry's suggestion in his comment earlier, here's a little recap of the current and recent prospects.

Handsome Guy: Met him on Plenty of Fish a few months ago. We dated for a month but he ended it. I was on the fence about him, but found him very attractive. We are friends now. I met up with him in WeHo for brunch, along with the guy he's currently dating.

Texas Guy: I've been texting him since March. Finally met this past holiday weekend. Super nice, but the fact that he lives out of state kind of limits the potential there.

Blue Eyes: LA resident. Quite sexual and aggressive. Lives quite far from me and doesn't have a car.

Tinder Guy: Guy from the San Diego area that I met on Tinder. We happened to both be in WeHo on the same night so we met up there, while I was with my friends. Our first one-on-one meet-up will happen this weekend.

Beach Guy: Another Tinder find. I hadn't given this guy a name yet, but since we had a romantic date on the beach I'll call him this. I've been out with him twice. He acts a bit distant when we're apart, but I do want to see him again. We'll see what happens.

European Guy: Guy who lives really close to me that I've hung out with over the past two months. He doesn't really do it for me, but he has developed feelings for me. So, I had to turn him down.

Gaybor Day Weekend . . . or Labor Gay Weekend?

I had a very nice Labor Day weekend. Well, except for a sore throat that I had throughout. I actually took the day off work today to try to rest up and finally kick it. Feeling better now.

I finally got to meet Texas Guy this weekend. As a recap, Texas Guy is someone that I first chatted with on Grindr way back in March when he was visiting California. We really clicked but weren't able to meet up before he had to go back to Texas. Since then we have been texting pen pals and have talked on the phone a couple of times. This weekend marked his first trip to So Cal since then. He and his aunt came to see me perform in a show, then he and I went up to LA and went out in WeHo with my LA gay crew. He's a really cool guy, and a great conversationalist. We went to The Abbey, but didn't make it out there until nearly 1 AM. So, we really didn't have much time to drink or anything before it was last call. My cousin Roger went, as did Chris and Timothy, who have been the cutest gay couple that I have known. I also ended up meeting up with a guy from Tinder that I've been talking to, since he happened to be at the Abbey as well. He was there with his friend who was visiting from the Bay Area. She was rather drunk, haha. The two of them joined our group, and I just kind of pretended that this was a friend of mine I already knew. I don't think anyone caught on that I actually had never met him before! He seemed really sweet. I look forward to hanging out with him again, and he seemed very keen on it too. He doesn't live very close to me, but he is willing to meet halfway.

I invited Tinder guy and his friend to come hang out with us at my cousin's place, but they didn't have a car and the girl was a little too drunk and hungry. So Texas Guy, Chris, and Timothy came back and hung out with us for a while. Texas Guy spent the night. Sunday morning he and I had brunch with a friend of mine, the Handsome Guy that I went out with a couple times a few months ago. He was up in WeHo with his current boyfriend and his friend who was visiting from the East Coast. After interacting with him in that situation, I realized more how much the two of us really aren't a match.

After brunch, Texas Guy and I checked out the Santa Monica pier, then I dropped him off with his family. I spent the rest of the day relaxing, and also set up tentative plans to meet up with a guy in LA the next day. Let's call him Blue Eyes.

So Monday I met up with Blue Eyes and went hiking in Runyon Canyon. I've been corresponding with Blue Eyes for a while now, and have been a bit on the fence about him. He is clearly a lot more sexual than I am. Even before we met for the first time he offered to share with me a JO video of his. Not my cup of tea. In person he seemed sweet though. Not much of a prospect since he lives in LA and doesn't have a car. But the hike was fun, and afterward we went back to his place, watched Netflix and did a lot of cuddling, massaging, and other play. We didn't make out since I had a sore throat. He also demonstrated his rather dominant nature. I just kind of let him do whatever. It was fun, I'm glad I had the experience. And we stopped short of doing anything with pants off, haha.

The weekend wasn't all positive. After hanging out with Chris and Timothy Saturday night and not detecting anything amiss, I never would have suspected that it would be the last time I'd see them as a couple. Chris was planning a get together for Labor Day, so after I left Blue Eyes' place I gave him a call to check in. He didn't answer, so I called Timothy. He said he wasn't at Chris's place, nor would he be going. There was something odd about his tone of voice. I didn't think much of it, thinking he must just be busy. However, he called me back a few minutes later to explain that Chris had actually broken up with him the night before. Now, the possibility of this happening had definitely crossed my mind previously. Chris is 25 and Timothy just barely turned 21. Though the age difference isn't huge, they are definitely at different places in their development. Still, they were always so cute together and I adore them both. It really made me sad that it had come to this. Timothy told me that he was still confused about what was going on, and asked me to take care of Chris. My heart went out to him . . . I knew what it was like to be dumped by someone I cared strongly for.

I went to meet up with Chris as his Labor Day get together was ending. The two of us grabbed dinner and he explained to me his side of the story. I consoled him as best as I could, and assured him that if he needed to talk I'd be there for him. They'd been together for quite a while (about two years I believe), so I knew this wouldn't be easy for either of them.

All in all a busy and fun weekend, despite my sore throat and the unexpected break up of two of my good LA friends. I will probably see Texas Guy again once more before he goes home. I hope to see Tinder Guy again soon.

Meeting so many nice guys, despite various barriers to actual relationships (distance being the most common one), has definitely been therapeutic for me. I feel generally happy these days, and I feel more optimistic that I will find someone else some day.

Otherwise straight

Found this interesting article about an otherwise straight guy who falls in love and enters a relationship with his male best friend.

I find this kind of story so beautiful.

Mountain Getaway and Recent Dating

Hello all!

I got my new car! It was a quick, painless process. Got a Mazda3 hatchback, and I even got it in the color I wanted ("crystal blue mica"). Quite different from a truck, but I'm really liking it. I took it up to the mountains a few weekends ago for a big get-together I planned.

THAT was a relaxing weekend. YouTube Guy and his boyfriend came down from the bay area, my cousin Brad came down from Nor Cal, and other friends such as Janice, Walter, and Nina came as well. We rented a cabin, drank, played games, went hiking, lounged around and had an AMAZING dinner. Literally one of the best meals I have ever had. It was the combination of the mountain setting, the great food (YouTube Guy's boyfriend went to culinary school), and of course, being surrounded by awesome friends. I felt a level of happiness that I hadn't felt in a long, long time.

The feeling of well-being lasted for a good week and a half. Yesterday and today I'm struggling a little bit against the blues again, but it's not too bad. I'm feeling more at peace with my professional situation. I've got a good, stable job and have an amazing hobby that I'm passionate about.

I met up with a couple cute, nice guys in the past week. One I've been out with twice so far. The first date was nice, we had dinner and walked around a shopping center. He texted me afterward expressing interest in hanging out again. This past Tuesday I took him to a local beach-side town for the second date. We ate at a really cool fish restaurant, then we walked around. I took him out to a ledge overlooking the crashing waves. It was really serene and beautiful . . . the setting was perfect so I decided to go for a kiss. First to test the waters a bit I put my arm around him, then when he leaned his head against my shoulder I went for it. We kissed for a while, and it was very nice. Afterward I went back to his place. I did not have the intention of going any farther than the making out for this date . . . but one thing led to another and we got frisky in the bedroom.

It was a great night, but I was worried we had moved too fast. I always do prefer letting feelings develop a bit before going that far, but at the same time it seems guys tend to expect things to happen within the first couple dates. I don't want to wind up in a "boat without a rudder" situation with someone else if I'm moving too slowly. Or as Steve had put it, a "weird friendship."

Then to complicate things more, I had a very emotional dream about my ex Ben the night after the date. It involved reconciliation and it stirred rather strong memories and feelings the next morning. That was yesterday, hence why my feeling of well-being has taken a bit of a hit the past few days.

I should recover soon, though. I attended a monthly LGBT social group dinner yesterday, and Jake the Australian was in attendance. Though I still don't see him that often we've grown pretty close, and he's a good source of support. He is taking a hiatus from dating. Seems we're both having a bit of a hard time with it.

My main problem: I'm having trouble developing feelings for guys. With Ben it happened so fast and naturally, but it seems so HARD now. Several guys I've had to disappoint because they were into me and I just didn't feel the same way. It's hard to decide whether it's just the luck of the draw, that I'm just not meeting good matches . . . or whether there's something still broken in me from my past experience. If it's the latter, I just don't know how to fix it. I still think about the past way too much. I still over-idealize HIM way too much. I still get anxious thinking about the prospect of winding up alone because I invested in an unhealthy person and it screwed me up emotionally. I still see all my heterosexual friends pairing up with great people and feel envious.

I try to be patient with myself though. Focus on self-improvement rather than finding someone. It really is the only way.

Rest in pieces

The inevitable happened. My precious truck, the car I have driven ever since I was 16, is finally on its last legs. My family has been pressuring me to get a new car, but I was convinced I could get a decent number of miles from it still. Looking for a new car was not my top priority. After all, there's that whole matter of figuring out what to do with my life and who to share it with!

But entropy caught up with me, as it always does. My truck's engine started to make a rattling noise last week. I only let it go on a few days before I took it in to Midas to get it checked. Unfortunately . . . by then it was too late. Take note all who read this: if your car's engine makes a rattling sound stop as soon as you can and check the water levels! Turns out my water had been leaking. I guess the radiator cap gasket was worn out or something. In any case, this caused my engine to overheat. By the time I got it into Midas it had already started emitting a strange smell. Well sir, that's the smell of your engine melting!

The prognosis was bleak: I would have to get a rebuilt engine put into my truck, which would cost $5,000. That's more than the car's worth, which means it is time to go car shopping.

Since I was out of town all last weekend I wasn't able to get a new car, so this weekend is the target. Of course, that means this week I have been carless. My roommate happens to go to school right near where I work so I've been riding with her. Trouble is, she goes at 6 in the morning! So every day I've gone into work this week I've arrived at 6 AM. I've had to get rides home either from her or a coworker. I still haven't figured out how I'm getting to my improv shows tonight. But the prospect of getting a new car is somewhat exciting. Knowing myself I will get overwhelmed by the options so I am mostly just relying on the input from my car-aficionado friends and family members. I want something blue! :-D

Transportation was less of a problem yesterday. I didn't go into work yesterday at all; instead I took a sick day. I woke up in a hugely anxious state. I've been struggling a lot with anxiety lately. Not panic attacks (I have a friend who suffers those . . . I'm so fortunate not to experience them). Just chronic, existential type anxiety. Much like I have experienced the past 5 years, minus that brief interlude in 2012 when I was in my relationship and it wasn't quite as bad (I guess that's what that relationship was for . . . giving me a little breather).

I definitely have been stuck between figuring out "my passion" and pursuing it and just choosing something straight-forward and stable. I think the latter was my main attraction to med school, sadly. The fairly straight-forward career path sounded attractive to me, even if it didn't quite set my soul on fire. My problem is I keep going toward one thing, and then when I'm at the point where I'm able to apply (or even after sometimes) I lose interest for some reason.

One reason is that all of the things I've looked at require grad school. I admit it: I'm afraid of being in debt. Even the prospect of car payments has me worried, though I know I have the money for it and I'm planning to get something relatively inexpensive. But the idea of debt scares the beejesus out of me. I'm fortunate enough to not be in debt from my undergrad though.

Honestly, one thing that has long held my interest is clinical psychology. As anyone could tell from reading this blog I am a thinker, especially about the ways of human nature and the mind. I enjoy helping people, especially when I can make them feel better when they're feeling down. Whenever I can console Sam, "my breakup buddy," it makes me feel good. And if I could help people struggling with their life plans or their sexuality and help them avoid the lengthy, solitary process that I have gone through, that would be awesome. But the competitiveness of programs, the length, and the prospect of debt and difficulty finding jobs after school has kept me from going down that path. Hence I have focused more on careers with better pay and prospects, i.e., health care. But I've never had a passion for health care. Sure, I like working with people and helping people . . . but I'm just not sure if I can get sufficiently excited about that kind of helping. I don't know. I've been reading a lot of self help stuff lately and trying to get my head straight. Just been hard to sort through all the noise and built up baggage.

But I'm hopeful that I'll figure things out. At least I'm motivated to do so, even though I feel like I'm running in circles at times.

Older . . . wiser?

The sporadic posting continues. I really do want to write more. Not only does this blog help me, but writing is also an activity that I enjoy and want to continue to cultivate. It's just a matter of finding the time and getting myself to write . . .

Now, I actually did write a post a week or two ago. But I just didn't feel like posting it. As I recall I was in the middle of a deep funk and consequently the post was a downer. Yeah I've struggled with a bit of the blues lately. It seems that the pendulum has largely swung back to career concerns after being so focused on dating for the year after my relationship ended.

Not to say dating is completely off my radar. In fact, I downloaded Tinder the other day to give it a try. I actually like it pretty well. I've been chatting with a couple of guys. It's way less scuzzy than Grindr. Though I have been casually seeing a guy I met on Grindr lately. He's an academic from Europe and is a real nice guy. He also lives SUPER close to me. He did try to initiate sexual escapades at our second date though. I asked him to slow down and we ended up making out for a good long while. I was only moderately into it. I think I really am like the stereotypical woman in that I need to have an emotional connection in order to want to do anything with someone. Thus when guys move too fast I am not very responsive, which then feeds back into my worries about my sexuality. I am going to see him again, and hopefully I can ask him to slow things down a bit so I can get to know him better before we tongue wrestle again.

I spent the weekend working a special event in San Diego and spent the nights at my friend Ron's house. He's the one who I casually dated from approximately November to January. Things fizzled back then because of the distance and because he didn't reach out very much. I do know that he had some things in his life going on at the time. I had a very good time with him. I got quite tipsy the first night from drinks he made and ended up cuddling and spooning with him throughout that night. The rest of the weekend we didn't get quite so touchy. I'm a bit torn about him. On the one hand, he's one of the few guys post-Ben that I have been able to muster up some feelings for. On the other hand, he lives quite far and doesn't really seem to show much explicit interest in dating again. Though he certainly didn't discourage the cuddling.

Oh, and I'm 30 now. Bye bye 20s. Ugh, I'm not ready! I don't have my life figured out yet!

Alright that's enough for now. I'll write more about my latest life and career musings later. Until then!

Pink elephants on parade

I know there are plenty of gay guys that have strong opinions about politics. One interesting thing about Handsome Guy was that he was a Republican. It made sense. He grew up on a farm, he's a small business owner and works in finance. When it comes to LGBT issues, his stance was the Republican Party would eventually come around. So he votes based on economic issues.

Personally, I'm not the kind of guy who would make blanket statements such as "I'll never date someone who votes Republican!" I consider myself politically moderate myself.

What are your opinions? Do you think there is an inherent contradiction to being a gay Republican? Would you date someone who was one?

Someday

Well, my intuition about Handsome Guy was correct. After trying a couple times to narrow down another time to meet up he texted me that he just didn't feel a connection. Now if I had been more invested this may have rubbed me the wrong way. Four dates (with bedroom play) into dating, I think, should be more on the phone conversation or in-person chat side of things. But, I didn't react too much. Probably since I had already taken his uncommunicative last couple of weeks as a sign of disinterest, so I wasn't blindsided. I texted him "It's cool man." He thanked me for taking it so well. I responded with, "It's never easy." We chatted back and forth a bit. I suggested he still wasn't quite over his recent break-up (he clearly wasn't), and he responded with a sad, "Yeah, that could be the problem too. Nobody will ever match." I hear you man.

I gave him the advice that I also constantly give myself. It's true that no one will ever match our ex exactly. But that doesn't mean we can't find someone else we can develop feelings for. It will be different, but that doesn't mean it can't be just as good if not better. In fact, if the person values us enough to put work into the relationship and not cut and run in search of greener grass, then that's definitely better!

It's a delicate balance trying to maintain hope of finding someone while also trying to get into the mindset of not needing someone. It seems there are two ways to go. Either the "some day my prince will come" type of thinking, or the "my prince may never come, but I'll still be okay either way." The second way of thinking seems more depressing, but at the same time seems to be the healthier option.

I do think a lot about some of the quality guys that I have let go because the feelings just weren't there for me. Wes and especially Steve being the most recent instances. Steve really would make a good, caring and fun boyfriend. But I just couldn't get excited about him. My greatest fear is holding out for another feeling like Ben gave me and passing great matches by and winding up alone because of it.

How do I know my attraction for my ex was healthy? How do I know the very characteristics that caused him to wall me out and cut me off weren't what drew me to him in the first place?

June Adventures

I'm still seeing the handsome guy . . . or at least I think I am? We've seen each other a total of four times. And I haven't seen him in the last two weeks. Now, that included my trip to the San Francisco area, but still . . . he used to check in at least once every other day or so via text now he doesn't so much. He is in the middle of a big move and has been working long hours so that might explain part of it. At the same time, if he was really that into me you'd think he would be making more of an effort.

So I've continued meeting up with other guys. I met up with this really cute Brazilian guy over the weekend. He is young, an exchange undergraduate student, but I had a good time with him. Then I met up with a guy from Grindr on Sunday. He seemed like a really nice guy, but I just didn't feel much attraction for him. He liked me though, so I had to respond to his "let's hang out again" text today with the never pleasant let-him-down-gently text.

My San Francisco trip was fun. I spent time with my two friends who live there (YouTube Guy, aka Steven, and his boyfriend Jack), saw a friend from college and his wife, and then on my last day I met up with a guy that I had chatted with on Grindr when he was visiting California several months ago. He was really cool and I had a great time with him (figures). We were amazingly similar in our interests and also had some parallels in our career paths. I definitely plan to stay in touch with him, and if life ever brings me to the bay I definitely know who I'm looking up!

Between my new SF friend and Texas guy, it certainly seems that the guys I click with best tend to be from elsewhere. Sigh. I'll keep chugging.

While in SF, Jack acted as my gay mentor as he often does. He took me clothes shopping to get some more form-fitting clothes of brighter colors than make up my usual palette. Nina and her boyfriend arrived while I was in the dressing room so all three of them plus the gap girl had their say. According to the gap girl, I need to do more squats.

One thing that Jack likes to dish out is dating advice, but I take a lot of it with a grain of salt. I have always used the "be yourself" approach, but he is a proponent of various dating rules such as keeping your emotions close to your chest early on, leave them wanting more, etc. I guess there's something to be said for that, but at the same time I feel like those who play games are more likely to attract other game players.

In other news, improv is going awesomely and is still the highlight of my week. I had multiple shows over the weekend and they all went very well. One particular game I played ended up being the troupe leader's favorite of the night, so he put it up on our troupe YouTube channel.

I am finally applying for a new job title at work, something that I should have done a long, long time ago. It was so hard to focus on that when I was so concerned with coming out, dating, having my first relationship, losing my relationship, struggling with depression, healing, etc. etc. But the time has come. As has the time to finally get serious about the next step. It's been hard to overcome the inertia I've built up, but it's going to have to be done.

Entering Summer

Hello everyone!

A little update. Things have been busy so I haven't been blogging much.

I haven't seen Steve since I ended our dating relationship, but we're still planning to hang out at some point. I do like the guy and do feel bummed that it didn't work out.

However, I have started seeing a guy with a much higher attraction factor for me, which definitely clues me in on what was lacking with Steve. This guy is one of the most handsome guys I've dated. Our first date went quite well, with us kissing and cuddling by the end of it. The second date ended with bedroom fun, which is something I haven't done it quite a while. I ran into the old problem of not being able to finish, which I think is probably anxiety-related. This guy isn't quite as communicative as Steve was (doesn't text very often) so I'm playing it cool. He had a hurtful breakup in January, which adds to my caution. I definitely wasn't ready for a relationship five months after my breakup. So I'm waiting to see whether this guy actually has interest in me or whether he's just looking for fun to heal his heart. Another thing . . . I found out he is actually the ex of one of the first guys I went out with, 2 years ago. I remember that guy telling me the story of his heartbreak. Not sure I should be getting involved with someone who has broken the heart of someone else, but then again heartbreak happens all the time.

I am also still in touch with the Texas guy! That long distance friendship has definitely turned out to have legs! Now I'd just like to meet him in person. We're both going to be in San Francisco this month, but on different weekends.

A brief aside to play the broken record: still thinking about Ben too much. Dreamed about him the other night and woke up in a bad mood. I don't know what I can do to continue to get over him, it's been so long now! I KNOW I over-idealize him. But it's so hard to logic away the feelings. I don't feel like I'm healing any more and I just want my heart to catch up to my brain and realize that that emotionally fickle, dishonest, impulsive fool was not the great match for me I thought he was.

In non love-related news, I have now performed in more than 20 improv shows. Becoming a performer has really changed my life. It has given me the creative outlet I craved for a long time and has given me something new to put my energy toward. Hurray for that!

And then John was a zombie

What's with the weird blog title? Well according to the very addictive website TV Tropes, "And then John was a zombie" is "a situation in which a character, frequently a protagonist, is turned into the very thing he or she has been fighting."

What does this have to do with anything? Well, read on.

As the weeks went by since my last entry, I continued to hang out with Steve once or twice a week. We would cuddle, we would kiss. We would joke. Our trip down to see Ron's play was fun. Warning sign one: I found myself more physically drawn to Ron than Steve, even though dating with Ron had fizzled due to the distance and all the things going on in Ron's life.

I couldn't find any glaring incompatibilities and I genuinely enjoyed Steve's company, so I continued to see him. There were some small issues. He definitely was more of a texter than I am. I prefer talking on the phone over the impersonal, imprecise and easily misconstrued excuse for communication that is texting. I explained this to him, and I had a nice conversation on the phone with him a couple times. But he told me he's not really one to initiate phone conversations, partially because he's busy a lot. Sometimes when too much time passed before I texted him he would send a passive-aggressive type of text like "How are you, silent boy?" or the worst one, "Are you still alive?" This really grated . . . bringing back memories of Brody.

Earlier this month I fell into a funk. Cinco de Mayo rolled around, which was the two year anniversary of the start of my relationship with Ben. Thoughts of him always turn into a vicious cycle. I'll think about him and get sad, then try to block out the thoughts and get angry at myself for still thinking about him, then get frustrated that I need to be so hard on myself in order to block the thoughts . . . then I start thinking about memories of him to make me feel better, then I get sad again.

Steve texted me during one of my sad days, and I told him I was feeling a bit moody. He offered a listening ear, and I decided to open up to him about my OCD tendencies and my lingering hurt over my break-up. He was very understanding, and I was glad we talked about it. Still, as my experience with Brody taught me, you have to be careful of how much you talk about your ex with someone who has feelings for you . . . so I didn't go into much detail.

Last night I went over to Steve's place to watch a comedy special with him. Afterward we cuddled on the couch a bit, but I could sense he wanted more. I was just not feeling it. At one point he said in a semi-joking tone, "You're confusing." I knew he wasn't joking.

I had known I needed to talk to him about where we were going, and now was the time. "I feel like we should talk," I said. I told him that even though I really liked him, the feelings just weren't there for me.

This was where the conversation took an unexpected turn: we started talking about how Steve had felt during the time he was seeing me. He felt like he had had to reign in his usual flirtatious behavior because he felt it was not reciprocated. His passive-aggressive texts (which he acknowledged were inappropriate and inferior to being direct) were due to frustration over feeling like it was always him initiating communication (one of his pet-peeves). He felt like I was holding back a lot of the time. As our conversation continued I realized this was the first time I was really being completely open and honest with him. He stated that this Cal was much more attractive than the inhibited guy I had been lately.

I explained to him that I felt I had overcompensated. That since being dumped by the guy I loved I have made it a priority not to do to others what had been done to me. Not to lead them on, and to try to protect their feelings at all costs. Steve took issue with this. "I'm gonna call you out on your bullshit," he said. "I'm a grown-up, and I don't need you to protect me. Relationships come with the risk of getting hurt. It's not your responsibility to protect me from that. I can take care of myself." He also suggested that I was over-thinking things way to much (surprise surprise).

This was probably the part of the conversation when I started to break down. Yes, that's right. I was letting a dating prospect go, and I was the one that was crying. He had hit a little close to home. I realized with horror that by trying so hard not to do what Ben had done to me, I had nevertheless become Ben in my brief relationship with Steve. By trying to protect Steve from hurt, I was shooting any potential relationship in the foot. I didn't reciprocate affectionate gestures because I wasn't sure of my feelings and was so concerned about leading him on. I kept my true self shielded because I wasn't sure how I felt and hoped the feelings would kick in. But feelings can't kick in if you guard yourself. It is only by opening up, by being vulnerable, that feelings are allowed to grow. The flower of love needs oxygen . . . it doesn't need to be held under a magnifying glass. It's a metaphor I told myself countless times after my relationship ended.

Steve told me that at times he had felt a glimmer of potential with me, but in the last week or so his feelings had cooled since it didn't feel like we were progressing anywhere. The slowness made him feel we had more of a "weird friendship" than anything else.

Well, suffice it to say I felt quite bad that I had hurt him. And to his credit, he admitted that he should have brought it up sooner. Overall he was very understanding. He told me I'm a genuinely good guy, and despite my indecisiveness, I'm a lot more of an adult than any of the other guys he has dated. He ended up confiding in him a bit about some of my self-worth issues and the way I put so much pressure on myself. I swear, I got a lot out of that conversation. At the end we both agreed that we really want to remain friends.

I would like that a lot. And unlike Ben, I fully plan to be proactive about it.

Come to think of it, even though in my dating relationship with Steve I took on some of Ben's avoidant characteristics, ultimately the ending was different.

I did not lie. I did not tell anyone I loved them. I did not give false hope of reconciliation. I did not promise a friendship that I had no intention of actively pursuing. And when we had the discussion, I opened up about my own baggage. Something that Ben was never quite comfortable doing.

Maybe in this case, John isn't a zombie after all.

A coming out long in the making

So what's new in the Wonderful World of Cal?

I'm still seeing Steve. He's a really cool guy. Super sweet, really nice. Not quite feeling "sparks" but I'm giving it a little time to get to know him. We're going to see a play tomorrow, so that should be fun. Ron, the last guy I sorta-dated, is the violinist. I've informed them both though, so I don't think it will be awkward. It will be good to see Ron again, and to get a chance to get to know Steve a little bit better. We've only had weeknight dates up to this point since we've both been so busy (he went to Spain for a week, then I spent two consecutive weekends in LA).

Speaking of my trips to LA, they were a lot of fun (well, other than the fender bender I was involved in on the way back from the first one . . . LA traffic UGH). I made some new gay friends, including a really cute couple. One is 25 and the other is 20, and they are both super nice. I've gotten to know the 25-year-old a bit better, as has my friend Sam. They are both gay Christians and go to grad school at the same school, so they have a lot to talk about. Another new friend I made actually came to see me perform in my shows the other night, which was really cool of him! We hung out a bit afterward.

Other big news: my cousin, Roger came out to me at long last. His sexuality has been an open secret for quite some time. In fact, when I came out to him more than two years ago, I was half expecting him to reciprocate. When he didn't, I second guessed myself a bit. I resolved to wait until he felt comfortable, rather than push him.

Fast forward some time and it became pretty blatantly obvious that he is gay, but he still hadn't told me. He demonstrated a familiarity with West Hollywood that put mine to shame, had an Instragram account full of beefcake selfies (he is quite ripped), disappeared some nights we hung out with suspiciously weak stories about where he'd been . . . Basically his other two brothers and I had made up our minds about him and were just waiting for him to come out. Except he didn't.

The final straw happened last weekend in two parts. First, my new friend the 25 year old let slip that Roger had come out to him, but had said "Don't tell Cal." (WTF??) Second, I found what was obviously Roger's Grindr account. That night I finally had a talk with Roger, and expressed how I was feeling rather shafted by his secrecy. I told him I had opened out to him two years prior despite some hesitation about how he would take it, but felt I needed to do it because I had suspected he might be dealing with similar issues. I told him how I felt like he didn't trust me, and I wanted to assure him that he could trust me.

I never wanted to push him like this, but he has a bit of a naive streak and I have been worried as of late that he might be taken advantage of or get in a bad situation. My trust of him and comfort around him was also starting to be affected, since it was so apparent that he was keeping things from me when I was always so honest with him. I didn't want our relationship to begin to erode.

Bottom line, the conversation went very well. He opened up to me about exactly how long he had been keeping it a secret (he's one of those who has pretty much always known). I told him how despite his attempts, it wasn't much of a secret. He was actually quite surprised to know this . . . he had thought he had been doing a good job. He gave me permission to tell his brothers about our conversation, so I said I would (and I did the next day . . . turns out the older one Gavin already knew, because Roger had fessed up to Gavin's fiancee when she asked). His parents, however, are off limits. I wouldn't want to tell them anyway (even though Roger is the one who outed me to them . . . what can I say, I'm not one to retaliate haha).

I do feel like he will be better off after he tells his parents, but that is something he has to do in his own time. But now that his two brothers and I have been brought into the "circle of trust," I told him we will have his back whenever he chooses to do it.

Already in the last week he seems a lot more at ease and has been sharing more with me than ever about himself and his burgeoning dating life. Hurray!

Dates with Steve, and Vegas

Phew, I'm exhausted. I signed up for a two month long online fitness class and just tried one of the workouts. It was a lot more volume than I'm used to, and I've been out of the gym for several weeks due to being sick (again, argh).

Aaaanyways . . .

I've gone out with Jake's friend several times now. So I guess he deserves his own pseudonym . . . let's call him Steve. Steve is a really cool guy. He's got a great personality. Really funny (sarcasm and self-deprecation are his specialties, haha) and nice. He's pretty cute, though he has a beard which is not usually my preference. We have a lot in common, including a love of entertainment (including improv, he loved it even before he saw my show), music, and traveling (in fact, he's traveling abroad this week). He's also by all appearances quite interested in me. I hung out at his place after the second date (we didn't do anything as I was still sick), and after the third date we made out and cuddled in the back of his car.

Intellectually, I feel a lot more compatibility than I did with one of my more recent prospects, Wes. Distance-wise, he lives a LOT closer than Ron (only about 15-20 minutes away).

Sounds like a match, right? Well, I still have my apprehensions. The excitement-right-off-the-bat feeling wasn't there with him. And I still have that fear of hurting someone that tends to get activated when someone shows a lot of interest in me early on that I don't quite reciprocate.

I'm actually kind of glad that he's out of the country this week. It gives me some time to relax and get my head straight before he returns and we continue spending time together. I am definitely enjoying his company and definitely want to get to know him better. I just need to make sure that things go at the right pace. This one seems promising, but I want to make sure I proceed properly.

Meanwhile, my long-distance flirtationship with the Texan is still going. We check in with each other at least a couple times a week, send each other pictures and occasionally get into conversations. Hopefully our correspondence can continue, if in a toned down fashion, when I get into a relationship locally. It would be cool to meet in person and make a new friend someday. I must say, I get more excitement from him . . . perhaps it's the unavailability due to distance.

My mood is much improved. I do still think about my last relationship a lot, and do still miss Ben quite a bit. But I'm not overly sad about it very much lately. I had a conversation with Janice on the phone yesterday, and she always helps me put things in perspective. She reminded me that even if Ben is still with the guy he replaced me with in 3 months, it doesn't necessarily mean that the relationship is healthier. In fact, she suggested that maybe it has more conflict than ours did. Maybe in some way that's what he wants. More little fights might distract him from his tendency to gaze at greener grass. It was an interesting theory, and it made me feel better even though I know such speculation is pointless and the state of his current relationship doesn't and shouldn't concern me. Eventually I hope to reach the point of total indifference. In the meantime, such speculation gives me alternative scenarios to think about besides "I wasn't good enough."

As the preceding paragraph probably makes clear, I am certainly not over Ben entirely. It has been a looong time, and though I do feel I continue to make progress, I am also self-conscious of the fact that I am not yet over it and do worry about the implications for any future relationships. At the same time, I feel like a new relationship could help further my healing process.

In other recent news, I went on a Las Vegas trip with a bunch of (straight friends). They took me to a strip club, which was my first experience going to one. They wanted to go to one that had both female and male strippers, but by the time we got there (Club Sapphire), the male strippers were gone. That was NOT my scene. I lasted maybe 20 minutes before I started to get very anxious and had to leave and take a taxi back to the hotel. Would I be more comfortable around male strippers? Maybe. Although one thing I didn't like was how aggressive the strippers are. If you could just sit back and enjoy the sights without being targeted that'd be one thing, but it seems as soon as you sit down some girl is coming to offer you a lap dance. Right when I first walked into the bar a girl with a real bad attitude tried to lead me to the bar to get (her) a drink. She kept asking me the same questions over and over ("What's your name? Where are you from?") and seemed just generally out of it. I pawned her off on my friend and went and hid in the bathroom. I'm not ashamed. Haha.

So that was my strip club experience!

All-American Boy

Anyone heard of Steve Grand? He's a singer/songwriter from Chicago who is openly gay and had a viral hit last summer with the music video for his song, "All-American Boy." Since then he has released two more songs, including the extremely catchy "Stay." The media outlets tend to label him country, but I don't really think of him that way. Oh, and he is extremely attractive (he's a former underwear model). The most remarkable thing is that he's no novelty act . . . his songs are actually really good!

He's been running a Kickstarter campaign for the last month to fund his debut album. It's the first crowd-funding campaign that I have contributed to. Amazingly, he met his $80K goal in just 17 hours. Now he's up to more than $200K. It's one of the most successful music campaigns that Kickstarter has done. The campaign closes on Sunday, so if you'd like to contribute, be sure to do so ASAP!

Here's the link: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/stevegrand/all-american-boy-the-album

Meeting someone new

It's been a fun weekend so far. The Texan and I are still texting back and forth. We haven't had a really long conversation for several days, but we've both been very busy. 

I had a Grindr conversation with a local guy on Friday. After chatting for a while it became apparent that we had a mutual friend: Jake the Australian! Jake had told the guy he was going to see a friend in an improv show over the weekend and I told the guy I'm in a troupe. Didn't take long for him to put the pieces together. He decided to come with Jake to the show so he could see me perform and meet me.

Before we ended our conversation that night another revelation occurred. After I sent the guy my phone number he realized we had texted before . . . He was a guy from a dating website who I had tried to set up a meet with a year ago! He had flaked out back then, and he was apparently very remorseful. I told him not to worry about it. He could make it up to me by coming to my show.

Come he did, as did Jake and my friend Walter. After the show we all hung out at a bar for a while, then got late night burgers. He seems like a nice guy. Pretty cute, smart, and a very active sense of humor. He and I bantered back and forth a lot. When we parted he expressed the hope of meeting up one on one sometime. I told him that would be cool.

Not to beat a dead horse, but it is a thought that crossed my mind: he's in the same profession that a certain ex was when I first met him. But he seems to handle the stress of said profession a lot better. Perhaps a sign of more emotional stability.

My siblings and the Texan

Hey all!

First of all, I'll answer a question I got in a recent comment from fan of casey. I'm close to my sisters and have always gotten along well with them. However, I am a lot closer to my cousins despite the fact that my sisters have lived much closer for most of my life. This is largely because I'm a lot closer in age to my cousins. My sisters are from my mom's first marriage, and there's quite an age gap. My cousins, on the other hand, I grew up with and thus have more in common with. 

The older sister has been married to one guy most of my life. The younger one is a serial monogamist who is never long without a boyfriend. It felt so good to no longer be the only one of my mom's kids without a significant other, if only for a short while. I look forward to having that again someday.

I always feel like I should visit my sisters more often. They live close enough that I should really see them more, but far enough that it needs to be a day trip pretty much.

In other news Im still texting with the Texan every day. I talked to him on the phone for the first time last night. I don't know what could become of this, but I'm enjoying it nonetheless.

I've gone out three times with a guy that lives pretty close to me. Nice guy, and was the same class as me at my alma mater university. I'm not sure I feel enough of a connection, though. He's quite feminine, which in small amounts can be attractive but I feel with him it's a bit too much. Also he seems to be a bit of a homebody at heart, while I'm usually most attracted to active guys who love to go out and do things and travel (hello Texan! Haha) He's so nice and close though! Why do I only have interest in unavailable guys? Ben was emotionally unavailable, now the Texan is geographically unavailable!

Oh well. Corresponding with the Texan is fun. I just hope I'm not making a mistake by turning down perfectly good, available guys like Wes and this new guy.

Cast of characters

Partially for my benefit, and also for the benefit of anyone who might find what is written here interesting enough to follow, I will summarize some of the more prominent people in my life. All names have been changed, so this will help me keep their pseudonyms straight!

So without further adieu, here is the cast of characters in the life of Cal . . .

Family

My mom: She has long been one of my closest confidants. Coming out to her was difficult and it took several years to complete the process, but now she is totally supportive. Though Republican she is generally very open-minded and relatively socially liberal. Lives in the Midwest with my dad.

My dad: I've always had a good relationship with him, though he is not the most communicative person. He is very outspokenly conservative, which made it very hard for me to come out to him. Turns out he's more libertarian than anything else, so the whole gay thing doesn't bother him. He still doesn't support gay marriage though.

Gavin, Roger, and Brad: My three cousins. They are my best friends in the world and among the first people I fully came out to. Gavin is the older one that lives on the east coast, has a great job and is dating a model. Roger is the one who also lives in So Cal and is most likely gay as well, but not out (to his family at least, including me!) Brad is the youngest one, and though our age difference is the greatest I am closest to him. We are intellectually very similar and he is the first person I fully came out to.

In addition to them I have two sisters, and several nephews, nieces, uncles and aunts, and a couple other cousins.

Friends

Janice: My only close female friend, she is like a sister to me. People used to think we were related, or a couple. She, along with my mom and Brad, is one of my closest confidants, though I don't really see or talk to her that often these days.

Walter: My good friend that I've known since high school. 

Tom: A friend who has become close over the years. He has a rather interesting personality that can be a little much at times, and is socially rather awkward. However he has proved to be a very loyal friend and has given me a lot of support over the years.

Phillip: A college friend who is among my closest friends.

YouTubeGuy, aka Steven: Now that this guy has become one of my good friends I think he deserves a proper pseudonym. I met him before my coming out process by finding his YouTube channel. He lived across the country back then but has since moved to Northern CA with his boyfriend, Jack. He played a huge role in my coming out process, as we supported each other over long distance. We got into relationships around the same time.

Jack: Steven's boyfriend, who has become a good friend in his own right. Since Steven is so busy with work and is not the best texter, I often communicate with Jack instead.

Lance: One of my best friends from college. I pretty much fell in love with him back then, which was the major event that got me questioning my sexuality. Oh, and he's straight, and I never told him about that. He dropped off of the radar for several years, which hit me hard, but eventually we got back in touch. Now my feelings for him are long gone and we are just friends.

Sam: A friend that I met through an online dating site. I used to refer to him as my "Breakup Buddy" since we both went through tough breakups in 2013 and supported each other. We still provide each other a listening ear when memories of our past relationships get us down.

Wes: A friend that I met on Grindr. We dated for about a month. I appreciated his emotional availability, but ultimately I called it off because I just wasn't feeling enough of a connection and I was afraid of hurting him like I had been hurt in the past. He took it hard, but we were able to remain friends. He has since befriended a bunch of my friends and often will come to get-togethers (even when I can't!)

Nina: A college friend who is quite a wild girl but is also a very sweet, considerate person. She has had plenty of experience with both guys and girls but now has a long-term relationship with a rather low-key guy who compliments her quite well. She often organizes get-togethers and also enjoys trying to make me over or set me up with guys (the one time she tried it ended up being a straight guy . . . oops!)

Bill: Another gay friend I met online. He has become a cool friend to hang out with. He lives a bit far from me so I don't see him often.

Jake: One of the first guys I went out with. He's an Aussie that didn't quite feel a spark with me, but we have remained friends since then. I don't see him too often, but he was definitely an important part of my coming out process.

Other

Ben: My emotionally troubled ex who I fell in love with and got dumped by after I had let my guard down. I don't want to ruminate too much about him on this blog for fear of turning into a broken record, but since he is still on my mind a lot (and he is at this time the only person I have had a serious relationship with), his name is bound to come up. For the full story, both the good times and bad, see my old blog.