I had one of the latest nights in a long time last night.
It all started on Friday night, when I was performing in an improv show and was delighted to see two friends in the audience. They hadn't told me they were coming. One was Ali, the guy I met at Pride that I talked about in the last few entries. The other was his friend Dan, a mutual friend (who I actually went out with in the past as well). Between the two of them, I'm closer to Dan but still don't really know either of them very well at this point. Anyway, I was super happy that they came to my show. Dan and I texted a bit afterward and he invited me to go out with them and their other friend, Kevin on Saturday night.
Come Saturday night I met up with them and we went to dinner with a bunch of their other gay friends. Then to the gay bar, which was actually a lot of fun. I was quite conscious about how much I was drinking after a not-so-great experience a few weekends ago in West Hollywood (I was out with my cousin Roger's friends, drank too much and got sick for the first time ever), but I still had a good time. They are a really friendly group of guys, and Kevin is quite the party-animal. He drinks a bit too much (most of the times I've seen him he's been drunk) and then gets a little . . . overly affectionate. I was a bit conflicted, being a little tipsy myself. On the one hand, Kevin is really cute and seemed to be coming onto me. On the other hand, I didn't really want to be making out with him in front of Ali and Dan (especially since the last time I got drunk with them I made out with Ali . . . I don't really want to be that guy). So, long story short, we ended up at their friend's house and played cards while Kevin passed out on the couch. We didn't leave until 4:30 AM. It was fun to let loose and get to know my new friends, but at the same time I don't want to make that a habit.
I had a back-to-back pair of great first dates a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, after a great second date with the first guy, that one seems to have fizzled out. I had high hopes as he seemed to have good values and seemed to be impressed with my preference for relationships over hooking up, but now he doesn't message me anymore. As for the second guy, it has been several weeks since I met him since he had family in town, but we plan on meeting up again tomorrow. He seems like he has a good head on his shoulders and he's a late-bloomer like me, so we'll see how that goes.
That's about it, just thought I would write a little entry since it had been a while.
Later!
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Sunday, July 10, 2016
Vicious cycle
Let's see what's new . . .
I went out to dinner with Ali, the guy I had the drunken make out session at the bars with. As I feared, his interest did not carry over sober. We had a fine conversation and have chatted a bit via text since, and he even invited me to go out with his friends on Friday . . . unfortunately I couldn't go. But his interest has definitely waned and he answers texts sporadically. I wasn't quite sure we were a match either, but still, it was disappointing.
I'm definitely falling back into being interested in dating again, even though I started out the year telling myself that I would focus on career. I know relationships are important to me, but still . . . focusing too much on dating gets me frustrated. I start thinking about all the seemingly great matches that didn't like me back the same way (Ben and Thomas being the two prime examples). Or all the ones that flaked on me. Or the ones who live 40 minutes away and feel that is too far to date.
In positive news, my cousin Roger is seeing a guy. The two look like they're on track to be boyfriends, which is very exciting. This will be Roger's first relationship, so I'm pulling for him. Still, the cynic in me is wondering just how long it will be before the guy loses interest and jumps ship. I swear guys, I don't know how to regain my romantic optimism! With my own relationship ending in a blindside dump and every promising guy since then not working out, I feel like I'm in a bit of a vicious cycle. I need to develop a better outlook in order to have a better experience, but only a better experience would allow me to cultivate such an outlook. I guess all I can do is fake it 'til I make it.
I do keep wondering whether I need to move. Either to LA proper or to San Francisco. My friends YouTube Guy and his boyfriend would love it if I moved up to the Bay, and I have a potential lead as as far as a job. But I have such strong roots in So Cal, it would be tough to leave it. We'll see.
Question for discussion: are you driven more by career or by relationships? How much will you sacrifice in one for the other?
I went out to dinner with Ali, the guy I had the drunken make out session at the bars with. As I feared, his interest did not carry over sober. We had a fine conversation and have chatted a bit via text since, and he even invited me to go out with his friends on Friday . . . unfortunately I couldn't go. But his interest has definitely waned and he answers texts sporadically. I wasn't quite sure we were a match either, but still, it was disappointing.
I'm definitely falling back into being interested in dating again, even though I started out the year telling myself that I would focus on career. I know relationships are important to me, but still . . . focusing too much on dating gets me frustrated. I start thinking about all the seemingly great matches that didn't like me back the same way (Ben and Thomas being the two prime examples). Or all the ones that flaked on me. Or the ones who live 40 minutes away and feel that is too far to date.
In positive news, my cousin Roger is seeing a guy. The two look like they're on track to be boyfriends, which is very exciting. This will be Roger's first relationship, so I'm pulling for him. Still, the cynic in me is wondering just how long it will be before the guy loses interest and jumps ship. I swear guys, I don't know how to regain my romantic optimism! With my own relationship ending in a blindside dump and every promising guy since then not working out, I feel like I'm in a bit of a vicious cycle. I need to develop a better outlook in order to have a better experience, but only a better experience would allow me to cultivate such an outlook. I guess all I can do is fake it 'til I make it.
I do keep wondering whether I need to move. Either to LA proper or to San Francisco. My friends YouTube Guy and his boyfriend would love it if I moved up to the Bay, and I have a potential lead as as far as a job. But I have such strong roots in So Cal, it would be tough to leave it. We'll see.
Question for discussion: are you driven more by career or by relationships? How much will you sacrifice in one for the other?
Sunday, June 26, 2016
A surprise at Pride
Recently I attended Pride with my cousin Roger. Originally, we had intended to only go to see one particular performance, and then we would leave and figure out other things to do. Perhaps see a movie or something. But as seems to happen at Pride, things don't always go according to plan . . .
Midway through the performance, I spotted two familiar faces. One was a guy that I've been Facebook friends with for several years, ever since we met at a mutual friend's birthday party. The other was his friend, who I had met on Grindr last year and went on several dates with (it kind of fizzled out after he got sick and had to cancel on me several times, after which communication died down). I'll call them Tyler and Dan. They were there with a third friend, Ali. All three had been at Pride for most of the day and were already in various stages of intoxication. I'll admit, I had been wanting to hang out with Tyler and his friends for quite some time. Tyler and I live close to one another and I don't have many gay friends that live close by, but all previous attempts to arrange a hang out had fallen through. Now, happenstance had put us in the same place at the same time. The boys were headed to another room of the venue, and Tyler invited Roger and me to come along. Despite the fact that we had come to see the show, we decided to follow them.
Ali seemed to take an immediate liking to me. He complimented me repeatedly throughout the night, telling me I was "so handsome". He was very cute himself. And so, for the second Pride in a row, I ended up finding a boy to tag along with and (once I had ample booze in me) make out with.
Another familiar face popped up during the night. This one belonged to a rather buff guy that I have seen on the dating websites and through mutual friends on Facebook. My only other time seeing him in person was when he was flirting with Roger in a bar about a year ago. Well, turns out the guy is Ali's ex-boyfriend. They seemed to be on good terms though. Although the dynamic between the two of them led to one slightly awkward, slightly awesome moment. Ali's ex had introduced himself to me and was asking me about myself (where do you live, etc.) He then asked, in a rather flirtatious manner, "Where's your boyfriend?" When I responded I didn't have one, he said, "Why not?" Before he could inquire further, Ali appeared and pulled him away. I couldn't hear what he said, but my guess was it was along the lines of "Lay off, he's mine!" It felt good to have two cute guys compete over me, even if they were both drunk, haha.
Roger managed to not drink as much as me (probably because he didn't have someone giving him drinks like Ali was doing for me), so Roger ended up driving us home. Tyler hitched a ride with us, since he lives close by. Dan seemed to be the one looking out for the other members of the group. I always did like him, and was sad that we didn't remain friends after we went out. Well, maybe we will now.
As for Ali, he texted me this morning. The first text was, of course, "Who are you?" He hadn't recorded my name with the number. Unfortunately, he did not remember kissing last night (he had to ask if we had). Fortunately, he did remember liking me, and has definitely followed through with making plans to meet up again. Let's hope I like him when he's sober! I did find out that he's 7 years younger than me, which was a bit of a surprise. I had assumed that he was the same age as Tyler and Dan. I suppose it's not that big a deal. I know I haven't had the best luck with guys in the 22-24 age range, but then again I haven't really had all that much luck with other ages either.
Here's to a fun night out, and a bit of an ego boost!
Midway through the performance, I spotted two familiar faces. One was a guy that I've been Facebook friends with for several years, ever since we met at a mutual friend's birthday party. The other was his friend, who I had met on Grindr last year and went on several dates with (it kind of fizzled out after he got sick and had to cancel on me several times, after which communication died down). I'll call them Tyler and Dan. They were there with a third friend, Ali. All three had been at Pride for most of the day and were already in various stages of intoxication. I'll admit, I had been wanting to hang out with Tyler and his friends for quite some time. Tyler and I live close to one another and I don't have many gay friends that live close by, but all previous attempts to arrange a hang out had fallen through. Now, happenstance had put us in the same place at the same time. The boys were headed to another room of the venue, and Tyler invited Roger and me to come along. Despite the fact that we had come to see the show, we decided to follow them.
Ali seemed to take an immediate liking to me. He complimented me repeatedly throughout the night, telling me I was "so handsome". He was very cute himself. And so, for the second Pride in a row, I ended up finding a boy to tag along with and (once I had ample booze in me) make out with.
Another familiar face popped up during the night. This one belonged to a rather buff guy that I have seen on the dating websites and through mutual friends on Facebook. My only other time seeing him in person was when he was flirting with Roger in a bar about a year ago. Well, turns out the guy is Ali's ex-boyfriend. They seemed to be on good terms though. Although the dynamic between the two of them led to one slightly awkward, slightly awesome moment. Ali's ex had introduced himself to me and was asking me about myself (where do you live, etc.) He then asked, in a rather flirtatious manner, "Where's your boyfriend?" When I responded I didn't have one, he said, "Why not?" Before he could inquire further, Ali appeared and pulled him away. I couldn't hear what he said, but my guess was it was along the lines of "Lay off, he's mine!" It felt good to have two cute guys compete over me, even if they were both drunk, haha.
Roger managed to not drink as much as me (probably because he didn't have someone giving him drinks like Ali was doing for me), so Roger ended up driving us home. Tyler hitched a ride with us, since he lives close by. Dan seemed to be the one looking out for the other members of the group. I always did like him, and was sad that we didn't remain friends after we went out. Well, maybe we will now.
As for Ali, he texted me this morning. The first text was, of course, "Who are you?" He hadn't recorded my name with the number. Unfortunately, he did not remember kissing last night (he had to ask if we had). Fortunately, he did remember liking me, and has definitely followed through with making plans to meet up again. Let's hope I like him when he's sober! I did find out that he's 7 years younger than me, which was a bit of a surprise. I had assumed that he was the same age as Tyler and Dan. I suppose it's not that big a deal. I know I haven't had the best luck with guys in the 22-24 age range, but then again I haven't really had all that much luck with other ages either.
Here's to a fun night out, and a bit of an ego boost!
Monday, June 20, 2016
Colin, backseat shenanigans, and more
Hello blog world, it's been a while.
To be honest, I'm writing this entry because of Brent's comment a few weeks ago that I just read recently. That got the "Oh, people are still reading this!" wheels turning. So, kudos Brent!
So, where is ol' Cal at right now?
Career-wise, I'm in a better mental space then I was a few months ago, particularly in February. I'm still in the same job and everything and still exploring what's next, but I'm not feeling all doom and gloom about it. Basically, I'm being kinder to myself. Right now I'm reading Peter Buffett's Life is What You Make It, which is really resonating with me. The never-ending pull of the various forces in my headspace continues, but at least that book is helping me quiet down some of the "shoulds."
Dating-wise, things have also quieted down. Things didn't "end" with Colin so much as they just kind of fizzled. We casually dated for quite a while, but it was an awkward time. I was on crutches in an attempt to resolve my recurrent foot issues, so I wasn't making it up to his neck of the woods very much. He came down to me a couple times, but life got busy and weeks would pass without us seeing each other. Gradually the frequency of texting diminished. On top of that, I was clearly conflicted, which became very apparent to me when I purposefully didn't invite him to an outing with a bunch of my friends because Thomas was already going (he'd won tickets to the same event so we had made plans to go together before things had gotten a little more serious with Colin). I was uncomfortable with having both Thomas and Colin there so I didn't ask Colin to go. Still not sure what the proper action was there.
The last time I saw Colin was a few weekends ago. We had lunch, and I brought up the subject of "us" so we could be on the same page. He surprised me a bit, as I thought he had totally lost interest. Instead, he said that he did like me a lot, but he was dealing with a lot of "baggage" (he recently broke up with his long-term, live-in boyfriend . . . it happened just a couple months before we met). He said he understood if I wanted to move on and look for someone a bit more emotionally prepared for a relationship. I sympathized with him greatly, remembering how hard my own break-up was (I still think about my ex all the damn time, I just don't beat myself up about it as much anymore). I told him I'd like to still hang out with him, and we left it at that. I'll probably visit him next time I'm in the area, but I feel like dating-wise we're kind of done.
I met up with a young guy off of Grindr lately. I don't know why I do that. I know what most Grindr guys are looking for, and I know it's not what I'm looking for. This was just the latest example of that. We had a nice first date that ended a bit awkwardly. Red Flag # 1 he had a big aversion to kissing after he walked me to my car. I understand not everyone is comfortable with public displays of affection, but modest displays when few people are around? We went out for drinks a few nights later. Red Flag # 2 he really pushed for coming right over to my place. I told him my roommate was up and about and I'd rather meet for drinks. After drinks he said how he wished he could make out with me, but was uncomfortable doing it in the parking lot. I suggested we go in my car. He agreed, but then asked if I could drive around and find a private place (Red Flag # 3). I naively did so, and we ended up in a deserted parking lot, with nary a soul around. He suggested we go to the back seat. Having not done very much backseat macking, I acquiesced, for the experience. We kissed, and he talked about how hot I was. Really sweet words. But as things went on I realized that he, naturally, had a lot more on his mind than just making out. I told him that I, unlike many guys, prefer to take things slow. He said that was totally fine . . . but suggested maybe I could just look at his dick? I said okay. So he whipped it out. Then he wanted to see mine. Okay. Then he's jacking off, and I all can think of is dude, don't you dare fire that thing all over my car's interior. I think he finally got the message that I wasn't going to go all the way with him in the back seat of my car. Come on, I'm in my 30's for Pete's sake! I know I missed out on the whole teenage dating thing, but still. Suffice to say, I haven't heard from him since. Didn't expect to.
I know it makes me feel like an alien, but I know the answer is not to feel guilty about my relative lack of lustiness. I can't change my level of sex drive anymore than I can change the direction of my interests.
Still, nothing gets me going like the ol' transformation fiction, coupled with images of muscly dudes. I sometimes wonder whether a muscular guy would get me feeling more of a sexual lust. Being slender myself I don't really see that happening any time soon, but it's something I wonder about. I've now written a total of three stories for the "Gay Spiral Mind Control Story Collection." There is just something about the combination of muscle growth and mental transformation that pushes my buttons. My roommate suggested that perhaps the way I could unlock my sex drive would be to date a guy who is actively working out to put on muscle. Perhaps his slow "transformation" over time would be erotic for me. Perhaps! I admit, I did find it sexy when my ex-bf Ben started getting more into working out. He had hardly touched a weight before he started dating me. I was the one who got him into it and he even started working as a personal trainer shortly after he kicked me to the curb. Guess I created a monster.
In other news, I had an emotional conversation with my mom on the phone the other day. We were talking about the Orlando attack and the responses to it (which might be material for another entry later this week, we'll see). I told her how blessed I felt to have such supportive parents, as I've seen some of my friends lack the same level of support from their own families when it comes to their status as LGBT. I could barely get the words out, I became so choked up. She told me she felt lucky to have me as a son. She only wishes all her kids could find happiness already because their romantic troubles are driving her crazy!
I love my mom. And my dad too. I talked to them both today, for Father's Day. They'll be visiting in about a month, so I'm looking forward to that.
Alright, enough for tonight, it's bedtime. The journey continues!
Until next time,
Cal
To be honest, I'm writing this entry because of Brent's comment a few weeks ago that I just read recently. That got the "Oh, people are still reading this!" wheels turning. So, kudos Brent!
So, where is ol' Cal at right now?
Career-wise, I'm in a better mental space then I was a few months ago, particularly in February. I'm still in the same job and everything and still exploring what's next, but I'm not feeling all doom and gloom about it. Basically, I'm being kinder to myself. Right now I'm reading Peter Buffett's Life is What You Make It, which is really resonating with me. The never-ending pull of the various forces in my headspace continues, but at least that book is helping me quiet down some of the "shoulds."
Dating-wise, things have also quieted down. Things didn't "end" with Colin so much as they just kind of fizzled. We casually dated for quite a while, but it was an awkward time. I was on crutches in an attempt to resolve my recurrent foot issues, so I wasn't making it up to his neck of the woods very much. He came down to me a couple times, but life got busy and weeks would pass without us seeing each other. Gradually the frequency of texting diminished. On top of that, I was clearly conflicted, which became very apparent to me when I purposefully didn't invite him to an outing with a bunch of my friends because Thomas was already going (he'd won tickets to the same event so we had made plans to go together before things had gotten a little more serious with Colin). I was uncomfortable with having both Thomas and Colin there so I didn't ask Colin to go. Still not sure what the proper action was there.
The last time I saw Colin was a few weekends ago. We had lunch, and I brought up the subject of "us" so we could be on the same page. He surprised me a bit, as I thought he had totally lost interest. Instead, he said that he did like me a lot, but he was dealing with a lot of "baggage" (he recently broke up with his long-term, live-in boyfriend . . . it happened just a couple months before we met). He said he understood if I wanted to move on and look for someone a bit more emotionally prepared for a relationship. I sympathized with him greatly, remembering how hard my own break-up was (I still think about my ex all the damn time, I just don't beat myself up about it as much anymore). I told him I'd like to still hang out with him, and we left it at that. I'll probably visit him next time I'm in the area, but I feel like dating-wise we're kind of done.
I met up with a young guy off of Grindr lately. I don't know why I do that. I know what most Grindr guys are looking for, and I know it's not what I'm looking for. This was just the latest example of that. We had a nice first date that ended a bit awkwardly. Red Flag # 1 he had a big aversion to kissing after he walked me to my car. I understand not everyone is comfortable with public displays of affection, but modest displays when few people are around? We went out for drinks a few nights later. Red Flag # 2 he really pushed for coming right over to my place. I told him my roommate was up and about and I'd rather meet for drinks. After drinks he said how he wished he could make out with me, but was uncomfortable doing it in the parking lot. I suggested we go in my car. He agreed, but then asked if I could drive around and find a private place (Red Flag # 3). I naively did so, and we ended up in a deserted parking lot, with nary a soul around. He suggested we go to the back seat. Having not done very much backseat macking, I acquiesced, for the experience. We kissed, and he talked about how hot I was. Really sweet words. But as things went on I realized that he, naturally, had a lot more on his mind than just making out. I told him that I, unlike many guys, prefer to take things slow. He said that was totally fine . . . but suggested maybe I could just look at his dick? I said okay. So he whipped it out. Then he wanted to see mine. Okay. Then he's jacking off, and I all can think of is dude, don't you dare fire that thing all over my car's interior. I think he finally got the message that I wasn't going to go all the way with him in the back seat of my car. Come on, I'm in my 30's for Pete's sake! I know I missed out on the whole teenage dating thing, but still. Suffice to say, I haven't heard from him since. Didn't expect to.
I know it makes me feel like an alien, but I know the answer is not to feel guilty about my relative lack of lustiness. I can't change my level of sex drive anymore than I can change the direction of my interests.
Still, nothing gets me going like the ol' transformation fiction, coupled with images of muscly dudes. I sometimes wonder whether a muscular guy would get me feeling more of a sexual lust. Being slender myself I don't really see that happening any time soon, but it's something I wonder about. I've now written a total of three stories for the "Gay Spiral Mind Control Story Collection." There is just something about the combination of muscle growth and mental transformation that pushes my buttons. My roommate suggested that perhaps the way I could unlock my sex drive would be to date a guy who is actively working out to put on muscle. Perhaps his slow "transformation" over time would be erotic for me. Perhaps! I admit, I did find it sexy when my ex-bf Ben started getting more into working out. He had hardly touched a weight before he started dating me. I was the one who got him into it and he even started working as a personal trainer shortly after he kicked me to the curb. Guess I created a monster.
In other news, I had an emotional conversation with my mom on the phone the other day. We were talking about the Orlando attack and the responses to it (which might be material for another entry later this week, we'll see). I told her how blessed I felt to have such supportive parents, as I've seen some of my friends lack the same level of support from their own families when it comes to their status as LGBT. I could barely get the words out, I became so choked up. She told me she felt lucky to have me as a son. She only wishes all her kids could find happiness already because their romantic troubles are driving her crazy!
I love my mom. And my dad too. I talked to them both today, for Father's Day. They'll be visiting in about a month, so I'm looking forward to that.
Alright, enough for tonight, it's bedtime. The journey continues!
Until next time,
Cal
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Difficult decisions ahead
Still chugging along.
I'm attempting to finally resolve the stubborn foot issues I've been dealing with for the last year and a half by going completely non-weight-bearing for a while. That means crutches. I've been on them for about a week now, and MAN is it tiring! My shoulder is killing me today. I think I might look into renting a knee scooter instead.
The guy I went out with last month that I wrote about in the previous entry is still in the picture. In fact, I could potentially see things going somewhere with this guy. He is very sweet and considerate, and has a good sense of humor. While we have limited common interests, he is very open minded and up for new experiences (within certain parameters), which is a big plus. I'll assign this guy a name. Let's call him Colin.
Thomas is still around as well, though. I had a second conversation with him, this one on the phone, about a week ago. Seeing how things are progressing with Colin, I felt it was important to touch base with Thomas to see where we stood. Last time I had a conversation with him, he had expressed interest in revisiting dating, but he had been two months into seeing another guy. Since then we had hung out on several occasions and had a couple of really awesome days together, but I had no idea whether he was still seeing the other guy.
While the phone conversation was pleasant, it pretty much was a replay of the first conversation. I did learn that he is no longer seeing the guy he'd been seeing before. However, now he's seeing a new guy, which doesn't bode well for us. He still didn't flat out reject me, but since he didn't tell me when things ended with the first guy and thereafter started dating someone else, I can pretty much tell where I stand in his priorities. It sucks because we get along so well and have so much in common, and he's so cute. Plus our common interests and similarities in personality mean we never have a shortage of things to do together. But in this case actions speak louder than words. I gave him a very clear chance to revisit things with me, and he has not acted on it. Instead, he seems to want to keep that door open as long as possible without actually doing anything to walk through it.
Which brings me to the question of what to do about him. I really hate to lose his friendship, but my feelings for him would certainly interfere with things developing with Colin or anybody else. Colin has some distinct advantages over him anyway. Unlike Thomas, Colin doesn't mind making drives to hang with me on the weekend. He also texts me often, showing his interest. Thomas texts me too (and seems to be doing so more as of late) but not as often.
I'm going to hold off on making any decisions about it until I see where things go with Colin these next couple weeks. Still, it's not something I'm looking forward to. Thomas is arguably my best friend in LA now. Part of me wants to say to him, "If you're afraid of risking our friendship by dating, don't you see that our friendship is in jeopardy by not dating as well? If I can't date you, I can't be friends with you, because I like you too damn much!" Ugh.
I'm attempting to finally resolve the stubborn foot issues I've been dealing with for the last year and a half by going completely non-weight-bearing for a while. That means crutches. I've been on them for about a week now, and MAN is it tiring! My shoulder is killing me today. I think I might look into renting a knee scooter instead.
The guy I went out with last month that I wrote about in the previous entry is still in the picture. In fact, I could potentially see things going somewhere with this guy. He is very sweet and considerate, and has a good sense of humor. While we have limited common interests, he is very open minded and up for new experiences (within certain parameters), which is a big plus. I'll assign this guy a name. Let's call him Colin.
Thomas is still around as well, though. I had a second conversation with him, this one on the phone, about a week ago. Seeing how things are progressing with Colin, I felt it was important to touch base with Thomas to see where we stood. Last time I had a conversation with him, he had expressed interest in revisiting dating, but he had been two months into seeing another guy. Since then we had hung out on several occasions and had a couple of really awesome days together, but I had no idea whether he was still seeing the other guy.
While the phone conversation was pleasant, it pretty much was a replay of the first conversation. I did learn that he is no longer seeing the guy he'd been seeing before. However, now he's seeing a new guy, which doesn't bode well for us. He still didn't flat out reject me, but since he didn't tell me when things ended with the first guy and thereafter started dating someone else, I can pretty much tell where I stand in his priorities. It sucks because we get along so well and have so much in common, and he's so cute. Plus our common interests and similarities in personality mean we never have a shortage of things to do together. But in this case actions speak louder than words. I gave him a very clear chance to revisit things with me, and he has not acted on it. Instead, he seems to want to keep that door open as long as possible without actually doing anything to walk through it.
Which brings me to the question of what to do about him. I really hate to lose his friendship, but my feelings for him would certainly interfere with things developing with Colin or anybody else. Colin has some distinct advantages over him anyway. Unlike Thomas, Colin doesn't mind making drives to hang with me on the weekend. He also texts me often, showing his interest. Thomas texts me too (and seems to be doing so more as of late) but not as often.
I'm going to hold off on making any decisions about it until I see where things go with Colin these next couple weeks. Still, it's not something I'm looking forward to. Thomas is arguably my best friend in LA now. Part of me wants to say to him, "If you're afraid of risking our friendship by dating, don't you see that our friendship is in jeopardy by not dating as well? If I can't date you, I can't be friends with you, because I like you too damn much!" Ugh.
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Quick update
This weekend I was able to stay pretty calm. While the big issues still weigh on me, I was able to keep a bit more relaxed, mindful, and present.
Thursday I had the first therapy appointment I've had in a while. My therapist was out sick for one appointment, and then I missed the next one because of my car accident. So I was finally able to have a session. I think it really helped. I've scheduled sessions once a week for the next several weeks to try to help me get through the worst of this acute phase of my anxiety. Thinking about giving a psychiatrist another shot, but we'll see.
I've downloaded a meditation app called Headspace on my iPad. The first 10 days of meditation lessons/practice are free, after that its a monthly fee. I'm just trying the free trial first to see how I like it. I'm two days in. I could see it being something I enjoy as part of my daily routine. And maybe it will help me get up in the morning.
Even though dating is not my focus right now, I did go out with a new guy today. He had messaged me on Grindr back in December and we chatted off and on since then. We finally met, and I had a nice time. We met in my favorite "midway" shopping center between LA and where I live. Same shopping center where I first met Ben four years ago. Obviously the association still exists, but its been diluted over time. The guy is quite introverted and I definitely had to direct the conversation for much of the time, but he had a good time and has already expressed interest in meeting up again. So we're aiming for next weekend.
I'm increasingly realizing that although I do have real problems to deal with, my maladaptive beliefs and thought patterns are really the main problem. So getting a handle on that is definitely a priority.
Thursday I had the first therapy appointment I've had in a while. My therapist was out sick for one appointment, and then I missed the next one because of my car accident. So I was finally able to have a session. I think it really helped. I've scheduled sessions once a week for the next several weeks to try to help me get through the worst of this acute phase of my anxiety. Thinking about giving a psychiatrist another shot, but we'll see.
I've downloaded a meditation app called Headspace on my iPad. The first 10 days of meditation lessons/practice are free, after that its a monthly fee. I'm just trying the free trial first to see how I like it. I'm two days in. I could see it being something I enjoy as part of my daily routine. And maybe it will help me get up in the morning.
Even though dating is not my focus right now, I did go out with a new guy today. He had messaged me on Grindr back in December and we chatted off and on since then. We finally met, and I had a nice time. We met in my favorite "midway" shopping center between LA and where I live. Same shopping center where I first met Ben four years ago. Obviously the association still exists, but its been diluted over time. The guy is quite introverted and I definitely had to direct the conversation for much of the time, but he had a good time and has already expressed interest in meeting up again. So we're aiming for next weekend.
I'm increasingly realizing that although I do have real problems to deal with, my maladaptive beliefs and thought patterns are really the main problem. So getting a handle on that is definitely a priority.
Monday, February 29, 2016
Fun science finding of the day
One thing I learned from the internet this weekend . . .
Tylenol (acetaminophen) has been found to help relieve symptoms of existential angst. Seriously, Google it. Here's one link to get you started.
Tylenol (acetaminophen) has been found to help relieve symptoms of existential angst. Seriously, Google it. Here's one link to get you started.
Saturday, February 27, 2016
My poor brain
First off, if you want to check out the story I submitted, it's at this link. The theme of the website is male mind control. Many of the stories go in ways that don't really appeal to me, things like humiliation, guys becoming sex slaves, guys turning into certain body types that don't do it for me (bears, twinks, etc.), but on occasion there is a story that really seems to click with what turns me on, which is what keeps me coming back. Typically I like stories that are a little bit more romantic, with the mind control simply changing the characters sexual preferences rather than taking away their free will. My story centers on muscle growth. Not to say that I find bodybuilder types the most sexually appealing (there's such a thing as too much of a good thing). But the transformative aspects (both body and mind) are a turn on for me.
Now an update on my life. Forewarning, this is going to be a rambling, venting entry. I've recommitted to using this blog as a means to help me. I need a place where I can vent and sort through my thoughts, and I need to check ego at the door and not feel guilty about feeling what I'm feeling.
My next appointment with my therapist is on Thursday. I'm going to ask for a referral to a new psychiatrist. My anxiety/depression has become very problematic. I am at the point where I am waking up in a state of anxiety, which makes it very hard to get up in the morning. The last time it was this bad was when I was 25/26, in the midst of my first career crisis after having second thoughts about doing a PhD. I don't count my post-breakup depression, because that was a different type of animal.
Other health concerns are complicating things. For more than a year now I have been dealing with various foot problems. It started with pain in one of the sesamoid bones (located at the big toe joint) in my right foot at the end of 2014. I started seeing a podiatrist, who tried putting me in a walking boot for several months. While I wore it a lot during that time (Feb-Apr 2015), I wonder whether I should have been even more strict. I didn't discontinue improv during that time. Instead I performed with the boot on. And I would take the boot off for very short distances (walking around the house, walking from the car to a restaurant, etc). At the end of that period I switched to wearing athletic shoes and walking carefully. This actually seemed to help my problem quite a bit, so I began to be hopeful that the worst was over.
I was wrong. My foot really became aggravated when I traveled in Italy during the summer. Since I didn't start off the trip with very much pain, I thought I would be okay. I brought plenty of kinesio tape to wrap my foot with for extra support. But by the end of the trip, I was in agony. I think I was compensating for the sesamoid pain the whole time. That altered walk was very hard on the ball of my foot, and when I got home I was experiencing a lot of metatarsal pain. I went back to the podiatrist and went back in the boot for a time, but it didn't seem to help. The podiatrist signed me up for physical therapy. Meanwhile, I tried wearing metatarsal pads in my shoes. This seemed to create other problems, as I would feel weird pain radiating up my leg. As soon as I discontinued use of the pads, oddly enough, the pain seemed to improve dramatically. Soon it felt like I was mostly back to just having sesamoid pain.
That lasted until January, when the metatarsal area started hurting again. I started using the boot off and on again for relief, including on the trips I took for work and my cousin's wedding. A new orthopedic surgeon I saw in December finally got back to me last week to confirm that I did not seem to have a sesamoid fracture. I went back to ask him about the metatarsal pain, but he very condescendingly told me I just needed to go back in the boot and wear it very strictly for several weeks, then gradually wean off of it. My pain is probably the worst and most constant it has been now, but the ortho doc waved away my working theory that I have a metatarsal stress fracture from the compensation I was doing.
So where I stand now -- I'm wearing the boot at all times again. My left foot has started to bother me too because it's having to bear the brunt of the work.
tl;dr: My feet are screwed up, have been for a long time, and they are not making my anxiety/depression and motivational problems any easier to overcome.
I'm trying to do the best I can. I am limiting walking however I can, and I am on an indefinite hiatus from performing in improv shows. Since improv and my troupe friends are such an important part of my life, I am still attending practice and doing music duty several shows a month. I'm also keeping my monthly show going, but more as a creative director instead of a lead performer.
In addition to trying to heal my foot injuries, I'm also taking it easy because of a minor back injury I sustained in a car accident last week. I was in the passenger seat of my car coming back from a three-day weekend trip (my friend was relieving me for a while as I had driven the first half) when a big pick up truck came out of nowhere and hit us in the back passenger-side. The truck ended up rolling onto its side on the shoulder. We were very fortunate, to say the least (and the other driver was okay too). Just one more thing to deal with right now. My car has been in the shop for the last two weeks.
So basically the main stresses of my life right now are my chronic foot problems, my car in the shop, my back pain, work stress, and figuring out my next career step. It gets me overwhelmed, and some days I just don't feel motivated to do anything except distract myself. At least I'm not so down about my dating life currently, but that's mostly because I've pretty much accepted that I'm likely not going to have a relationship in the foreseeable future and that the career things need to be figured out first.
I know there's a lot to be grateful for in my life. I know it's a bad idea to compare myself to others. I know a lot of my problems exist only in my head. But it's so hard to figure out what to do to make things better! Arbitrarily pick a career direction and do it just because? That's pretty much what it's coming down to. Not a very inspirational reason to go in a career direction ("I was suffering from anxiety and depression, and I knew the only way out was to move forward, but since I couldn't find a path that really spoke to me I just tossed a coin, and that's how I got here!").
I try to remind myself that the sexuality crisis I went through has a lot of similarities to the career crisis. When I was choosing between dating guys and dating girls, there were valid reasons for each. I had low hopes of ever having an actual relationship, let alone finding someone I could actually fall in love with. And yet, a mere few months after I made my decision to date guys, I had wound up in my very first relationship and had fallen in love. The passion I had for that relationship was not preexisting. It's not like I had a hint of passion for Ben when I decided to try dating guys . . . I hadn't even met him yet! So sometimes (always?) passion follows action, it doesn't precede it.
The lesson I am trying to teach myself (I saw it on a website recently): Clarity comes from action, not thought. My brain has been a helpful tool during a large part of my life. It allowed me to excel in school, in classes that many others struggled with. It has allowed me to do well in improv and turn it into a wonderful, enriching pastime (which I also discovered and grew a passion for, rather than already having one). But now it's time to cut down on the brain power, because it's hurting me. A lot.
Now an update on my life. Forewarning, this is going to be a rambling, venting entry. I've recommitted to using this blog as a means to help me. I need a place where I can vent and sort through my thoughts, and I need to check ego at the door and not feel guilty about feeling what I'm feeling.
My next appointment with my therapist is on Thursday. I'm going to ask for a referral to a new psychiatrist. My anxiety/depression has become very problematic. I am at the point where I am waking up in a state of anxiety, which makes it very hard to get up in the morning. The last time it was this bad was when I was 25/26, in the midst of my first career crisis after having second thoughts about doing a PhD. I don't count my post-breakup depression, because that was a different type of animal.
Other health concerns are complicating things. For more than a year now I have been dealing with various foot problems. It started with pain in one of the sesamoid bones (located at the big toe joint) in my right foot at the end of 2014. I started seeing a podiatrist, who tried putting me in a walking boot for several months. While I wore it a lot during that time (Feb-Apr 2015), I wonder whether I should have been even more strict. I didn't discontinue improv during that time. Instead I performed with the boot on. And I would take the boot off for very short distances (walking around the house, walking from the car to a restaurant, etc). At the end of that period I switched to wearing athletic shoes and walking carefully. This actually seemed to help my problem quite a bit, so I began to be hopeful that the worst was over.
I was wrong. My foot really became aggravated when I traveled in Italy during the summer. Since I didn't start off the trip with very much pain, I thought I would be okay. I brought plenty of kinesio tape to wrap my foot with for extra support. But by the end of the trip, I was in agony. I think I was compensating for the sesamoid pain the whole time. That altered walk was very hard on the ball of my foot, and when I got home I was experiencing a lot of metatarsal pain. I went back to the podiatrist and went back in the boot for a time, but it didn't seem to help. The podiatrist signed me up for physical therapy. Meanwhile, I tried wearing metatarsal pads in my shoes. This seemed to create other problems, as I would feel weird pain radiating up my leg. As soon as I discontinued use of the pads, oddly enough, the pain seemed to improve dramatically. Soon it felt like I was mostly back to just having sesamoid pain.
That lasted until January, when the metatarsal area started hurting again. I started using the boot off and on again for relief, including on the trips I took for work and my cousin's wedding. A new orthopedic surgeon I saw in December finally got back to me last week to confirm that I did not seem to have a sesamoid fracture. I went back to ask him about the metatarsal pain, but he very condescendingly told me I just needed to go back in the boot and wear it very strictly for several weeks, then gradually wean off of it. My pain is probably the worst and most constant it has been now, but the ortho doc waved away my working theory that I have a metatarsal stress fracture from the compensation I was doing.
So where I stand now -- I'm wearing the boot at all times again. My left foot has started to bother me too because it's having to bear the brunt of the work.
tl;dr: My feet are screwed up, have been for a long time, and they are not making my anxiety/depression and motivational problems any easier to overcome.
I'm trying to do the best I can. I am limiting walking however I can, and I am on an indefinite hiatus from performing in improv shows. Since improv and my troupe friends are such an important part of my life, I am still attending practice and doing music duty several shows a month. I'm also keeping my monthly show going, but more as a creative director instead of a lead performer.
In addition to trying to heal my foot injuries, I'm also taking it easy because of a minor back injury I sustained in a car accident last week. I was in the passenger seat of my car coming back from a three-day weekend trip (my friend was relieving me for a while as I had driven the first half) when a big pick up truck came out of nowhere and hit us in the back passenger-side. The truck ended up rolling onto its side on the shoulder. We were very fortunate, to say the least (and the other driver was okay too). Just one more thing to deal with right now. My car has been in the shop for the last two weeks.
So basically the main stresses of my life right now are my chronic foot problems, my car in the shop, my back pain, work stress, and figuring out my next career step. It gets me overwhelmed, and some days I just don't feel motivated to do anything except distract myself. At least I'm not so down about my dating life currently, but that's mostly because I've pretty much accepted that I'm likely not going to have a relationship in the foreseeable future and that the career things need to be figured out first.
I know there's a lot to be grateful for in my life. I know it's a bad idea to compare myself to others. I know a lot of my problems exist only in my head. But it's so hard to figure out what to do to make things better! Arbitrarily pick a career direction and do it just because? That's pretty much what it's coming down to. Not a very inspirational reason to go in a career direction ("I was suffering from anxiety and depression, and I knew the only way out was to move forward, but since I couldn't find a path that really spoke to me I just tossed a coin, and that's how I got here!").
I try to remind myself that the sexuality crisis I went through has a lot of similarities to the career crisis. When I was choosing between dating guys and dating girls, there were valid reasons for each. I had low hopes of ever having an actual relationship, let alone finding someone I could actually fall in love with. And yet, a mere few months after I made my decision to date guys, I had wound up in my very first relationship and had fallen in love. The passion I had for that relationship was not preexisting. It's not like I had a hint of passion for Ben when I decided to try dating guys . . . I hadn't even met him yet! So sometimes (always?) passion follows action, it doesn't precede it.
The lesson I am trying to teach myself (I saw it on a website recently): Clarity comes from action, not thought. My brain has been a helpful tool during a large part of my life. It allowed me to excel in school, in classes that many others struggled with. It has allowed me to do well in improv and turn it into a wonderful, enriching pastime (which I also discovered and grew a passion for, rather than already having one). But now it's time to cut down on the brain power, because it's hurting me. A lot.
Sunday, February 21, 2016
A creative first
In more positive news, I have submitted an original fiction story to a website for the very first time ever! It's to an gay erotic stories website, haha. That may seem kind of out of left field for me, right? Well, this website caters to people who have my particular fetish interests (see this entry). The major theme of the website is male mind control, but a lot of the stories tend to have muscle growth elements as well. In keeping with my nature, the story does not actually involve any explicit sex scenes. I know some readers of that site will probably be disappointed by that, so I made a disclaimer right at the top. Sure, I could have forced one, but I don't want to let my creative vision be altered by giving the people what they want. And there certainly is the implication of a behind-the-scenes sex scene . . .
In any case, if there is interest, once the story is reviewed, approved and posted to the site I can post the link here.
In any case, if there is interest, once the story is reviewed, approved and posted to the site I can post the link here.
Show Me The Way
When I first started blogging years ago, it was to help me sort out issues that I was dealing with in regards to my sexuality. It took quite a while, but blogging definitely had a positive impact in helping me break the mental cycle that I was trapped in. In addition to giving me an outlet to vent my feelings and seek advice from others, it also gave me contacts that eventually helped me make progress. I give a lot of credit to fellow blogger El Genio, who happened to live near me and offered to meet up in person. With him I visited my first LA gay bar. More importantly, through hearing about his experiences with coming out and online dating, I was able to give myself the push I needed to sign up for dating sites. Once I did that, it was only a couple of months before I met Ben and had my first (and to this date, only) romantic relationship. It has definitely not been easy since then. The heartbreak from Ben's departure took a long time to heal (and the scars are still there . . . I still miss him a lot from time to time, even though he was only in my life for less than 1 year). Occasionally I will fall back into the doubts about my sexuality. Dating can be frustrating. Guys often turn out to be flakes or fakes or both. But, I've had some memorable experiences (not just with Ben but also with several other guys). I've made some amazing friends. And my confidence in that arena of my life has increased a lot. Why, on a recent trip to a foreign city I even had a mini-romance with a sweet guy. It was actually kind of nice having a short, days-long relationship with someone, with no expectations for it being long-term. Sort of liberating, in a way. Don't worry, this isn't the start of a new, more promiscuous Cal. Anyways, bottom line is, I have come far in overcoming my hang-ups and issues about my romantic life, even though things aren't where I would like them to be right now. And blogging definitely helped me along the path.
I say this because I'm at crisis level again. This has to do with the other part of my life that I have struggled with: career. There are a lot of parallels. For the last several years I have mostly avoided discussing my career problems on this blog. This has been for a number of reasons: one, I'm ashamed of them. I realize now that I have to get over this. After all, what's an anonymous (well mostly anonymous . . . there are a couple of readers who know me in person) blog if I can't use it the way I need it? Second, I felt like it would be better if the blog followed the theme of dating and relationships. It would be more focused that way. But really, the overarching theme is me finding myself. I am "Looking" after all (and know, not in the sexual sense).
As I've mentioned before, I took the title of this blog from a Soundgarden song called "Outshined." The full line is, "I'm looking California, but feeling Minnesota." No offense to any Minnesotans out there! Basically, when Chris Cornell says this he's implying that though he has a sunny disposition on the outside, on the inside it's nothing but overcast and dreary. Well, I write this post now because the Minnesota is starting to expose itself to the surface, and I'm sick of feeling this way. It has been years that I've been dealing with these same issues. Focusing on my sexuality for a few years and then my creative interests (improv comedy) for a few years were nice (and arguably worthy) distractions, but now it is high time I worked on this other part of myself.
My major issue is anxiety. It is now manifesting a bit of depression, but at the core anxiety is my main problem and always has been. Really, it was at the core of my sexuality confusion as well. If I had not been so anxious about dating the "wrong" sex, I might have started dating much earlier than 27.
Similarly, with career my major issue has long been fear of choosing the "wrong" path. This seems hugely more significant to me (or at least, to my mind), since one's career occupies the majority of one's time on this planet AND is responsible for providing one the means to have a life. It determines where you live, many of those you associate with, how much you can own, what you can do, where you can go. As much as people say that relationships are the real source of happiness in life, you can't get away from the importance of career. One problem is I have fixated on relationships and my career has suffered. Now I'm in a state where I feel the discontent I have with my professional self is adversely affecting my relationships. I'm leaning a bit top heavily on my family and friends for emotional support. And I find myself being a lot less motivated to date when I feel so down (and feeling like that doesn't make me the most attractive dating partner anyway).
Not to say that my job is bad. I work with some really great people. What I do is in the medical realm, so its mission involves helping people. It allows me to travel periodically, sometimes to really cool cities. It also allows enough flexibility that I can spend extra time in those cities when I do go there. That flexibility also allows me to go to appointments when I need to during the day with minimal drama. And the work hours are light enough (most of the time) that I am able to keep active in improv comedy, which has been my major avocation for the last several years, as well as date and spend time with friends.
But. As much as I know how important it is to be grateful for what you have, there is a lot that is wrong. There is very little room for advancement in my job. One career path that many who do what I do often move to involves the loss of much of what I like about my job. While it pays better it also involves constant travel, longer hours, and very solitary, detail-oriented work.
Over the years I have tried to push myself one way after another. I was accepted to a PhD program but then freaked out as I realized all the negative aspects of an academic career. I researched a number of different health care practitioner careers but none of them spoke to me. I applied to med school despite great reservations about that life, and did not reapply when I failed to get in. I have considered high school teaching and mental health counseling, both of which I could see myself caring about a bit more than other things, but I've had worries about the stress levels, job market, and finances. I've thought about seeing where my love of creativity could take me, but come up short with ideas about how I could go about that.
So far this year I've waffled back and forth between trying to force myself into something and trying to get a handle on my anxiety/depression first. Frankly, the way my work performance has suffered recently I know that my number one priority is to improve at my current job. It's nice to have that as a goal, since there's no question in my mind that it's a worthy goal. Unfortunately, I can't for the life of me figure out what bigger-picture worthy goal to focus on. In this way it's not like my sexuality dilemma was. That was a 50/50 choice and one clearly (once I was honest with myself) had more natural appeal. When it comes to career, there's an infinite number of possibilities. I feel completely stuck and overwhelmed.
So, I'm going to try blogging more as I sort through this. It's tough to show this side of myself, even anonymously, but it's adversely affecting my life and hey, blogging has helped me before.
If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. Have you struggled with anxiety and depression? Have you struggled with career indecision, or indecision in other areas of your life? Have you found things that have helped you? What factors have you used to make tough decisions in your life, and how did things turn out? I know this blog doesn't have many followers, but if you happen to read this feel free to weigh in.
Cal
I say this because I'm at crisis level again. This has to do with the other part of my life that I have struggled with: career. There are a lot of parallels. For the last several years I have mostly avoided discussing my career problems on this blog. This has been for a number of reasons: one, I'm ashamed of them. I realize now that I have to get over this. After all, what's an anonymous (well mostly anonymous . . . there are a couple of readers who know me in person) blog if I can't use it the way I need it? Second, I felt like it would be better if the blog followed the theme of dating and relationships. It would be more focused that way. But really, the overarching theme is me finding myself. I am "Looking" after all (and know, not in the sexual sense).
As I've mentioned before, I took the title of this blog from a Soundgarden song called "Outshined." The full line is, "I'm looking California, but feeling Minnesota." No offense to any Minnesotans out there! Basically, when Chris Cornell says this he's implying that though he has a sunny disposition on the outside, on the inside it's nothing but overcast and dreary. Well, I write this post now because the Minnesota is starting to expose itself to the surface, and I'm sick of feeling this way. It has been years that I've been dealing with these same issues. Focusing on my sexuality for a few years and then my creative interests (improv comedy) for a few years were nice (and arguably worthy) distractions, but now it is high time I worked on this other part of myself.
My major issue is anxiety. It is now manifesting a bit of depression, but at the core anxiety is my main problem and always has been. Really, it was at the core of my sexuality confusion as well. If I had not been so anxious about dating the "wrong" sex, I might have started dating much earlier than 27.
Similarly, with career my major issue has long been fear of choosing the "wrong" path. This seems hugely more significant to me (or at least, to my mind), since one's career occupies the majority of one's time on this planet AND is responsible for providing one the means to have a life. It determines where you live, many of those you associate with, how much you can own, what you can do, where you can go. As much as people say that relationships are the real source of happiness in life, you can't get away from the importance of career. One problem is I have fixated on relationships and my career has suffered. Now I'm in a state where I feel the discontent I have with my professional self is adversely affecting my relationships. I'm leaning a bit top heavily on my family and friends for emotional support. And I find myself being a lot less motivated to date when I feel so down (and feeling like that doesn't make me the most attractive dating partner anyway).
Not to say that my job is bad. I work with some really great people. What I do is in the medical realm, so its mission involves helping people. It allows me to travel periodically, sometimes to really cool cities. It also allows enough flexibility that I can spend extra time in those cities when I do go there. That flexibility also allows me to go to appointments when I need to during the day with minimal drama. And the work hours are light enough (most of the time) that I am able to keep active in improv comedy, which has been my major avocation for the last several years, as well as date and spend time with friends.
But. As much as I know how important it is to be grateful for what you have, there is a lot that is wrong. There is very little room for advancement in my job. One career path that many who do what I do often move to involves the loss of much of what I like about my job. While it pays better it also involves constant travel, longer hours, and very solitary, detail-oriented work.
Over the years I have tried to push myself one way after another. I was accepted to a PhD program but then freaked out as I realized all the negative aspects of an academic career. I researched a number of different health care practitioner careers but none of them spoke to me. I applied to med school despite great reservations about that life, and did not reapply when I failed to get in. I have considered high school teaching and mental health counseling, both of which I could see myself caring about a bit more than other things, but I've had worries about the stress levels, job market, and finances. I've thought about seeing where my love of creativity could take me, but come up short with ideas about how I could go about that.
So far this year I've waffled back and forth between trying to force myself into something and trying to get a handle on my anxiety/depression first. Frankly, the way my work performance has suffered recently I know that my number one priority is to improve at my current job. It's nice to have that as a goal, since there's no question in my mind that it's a worthy goal. Unfortunately, I can't for the life of me figure out what bigger-picture worthy goal to focus on. In this way it's not like my sexuality dilemma was. That was a 50/50 choice and one clearly (once I was honest with myself) had more natural appeal. When it comes to career, there's an infinite number of possibilities. I feel completely stuck and overwhelmed.
So, I'm going to try blogging more as I sort through this. It's tough to show this side of myself, even anonymously, but it's adversely affecting my life and hey, blogging has helped me before.
If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. Have you struggled with anxiety and depression? Have you struggled with career indecision, or indecision in other areas of your life? Have you found things that have helped you? What factors have you used to make tough decisions in your life, and how did things turn out? I know this blog doesn't have many followers, but if you happen to read this feel free to weigh in.
Cal
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