Big changes coming, and puzzling over attraction patterns

It has finally happened. The first major career move since I came out five years ago. I applied for a new job, and I have been offered the position. It will require a move to LA. This will be the first time I've lived in a major city; up until now, I've been strictly in the suburbs. I'm excited, and a little nervous. It will be difficult to leave my current job as I really do love the people I work with, but a change is long overdue.

Last weekend was LA Pride. I went out to the bars with some friends. It really seems like guys get bolder during Pride. A guy started hitting on me and called me "rugged" (probably because I'm rocking facial hair right now). We kissed, and I told him I'd be back after I got a drink at the bar. I couldn't find him again. D'oh! He was cute too!

There was another interaction in the bar that wasn't quite so complimentary. A guy caught me standing next to my friends with my arms crossed. He came up to me and said, "Are you gay?" I answered affirmatively and he said, "You're super cute, but you need to fix the way you're standing." He repositioned my hands and had me straighten my back, then he went about his business. Later on he saw me in a more acceptable position and gave me a thumbs up. I wasn't even offended, I just thought it was funny.

I also spotted a guy I recognized from the dating apps. We hadn't talked in a while, but I had thought he was really cute. I decided (perhaps emboldened by a little liquid courage) to introduce myself. I followed up later on by sending him a message, and we've been chatting a bit ever since. I hope to meet up with him properly soon, especially since he lives in the area of LA that I plan to move to.

Otherwise on the dating front, I reactivated my paid Match account. I hadn't used it since my breakup with Ben. I've met two really nice guys on it. One was really into me. So naturally, I didn't feel the same way. I gave it five dates, but it was clear to me that I just wasn't excited about him. Still, because he was so nice and sweet I did feel bad for ending it. But, especially with my impending move, I just don't want to get seriously involved with someone, especially if I don't feel strongly about them.

I'm trying to figure out if there is a pattern in the guys I'm attracted to vs. not. I feel like it might have something to do with our dynamic. Even though I'm not the most aggressive or dominant guy, I do feel like I probably want to be the more dominant one in the relationship, or at least feel equal. After all, part of attraction is how someone makes you feel about yourself, and I don't tend to like feeling doted upon. If a guy never lets me pay for dinner, or is constantly tripping over himself to open doors for me, I don't like it. I'm not sure why. I'll have to continue to work on this.

Recent dating, and some unexpected news

It's been a long time. I thought I would write an entry, even though I don't know if many read this anymore.

Since the last time I wrote there's been two guys that I've gone on dates with. One I actually dated casually for about three months, which is the longest I've gone out with one guy since I've been single. He was quite a bit younger and also religious, but he was very nice and sweet and a great cuddler. He also wanted to take things slowly in the bedroom, which I definitely prefer. In fact, he even seemed to want to go slower than even I wanted! However, a month or so in I detected that there might not be lasting potential with him. He was not quite as communicative as I would like. I prefer guys that are very good at maintaining conversations without me having to do all the leg work. While shy introverts can be cute, I'm already introverted enough and prefer someone a little more gregarious for dating. However, I admittedly was enjoying what we had (whatever it was) and was in no hurry to end it. I wasn't in a hurry to define it either, though. Eventually, the guy's grad school got busy and he started texting me less and less. When he stopped responding to my texts I knew it was over. Still, ghosting irritates the hell out of me (especially after 3 months), so I sent a worried "I hope everything's okay" text to get him to respond. When he did, I knew it was over by his lame excuse. Freaking use your words people! Ghosting is NOT okay.

Something similar happened with the next guy, who was a lot more talkative and a lot closer to my age. We seemed to have a lot in common and he seemed to really like me. However, a few dates in, HIS grad school got busy and suddenly he had difficulty responding to texts and dropped off the face of the earth.

Both times, it happened after intimacy started to increase, which just reinforces my feelings of sexual inadequacy. It doesn't help that I still haven't gone "all the way." I just can't get myself to do it as a casual hook up. I've even had a friend offer to pop my cherry, but that is just all sorts of weird to me. I know part of it is my fears about STIs. Someone close to me confided that they are now HIV+ which served to drive the danger home. Now, I know they are a lot more promiscuous and weren't using proper protection at the time, but for an anxious guy like me it's hard to get over those fears.

In other news, my ex Ben has been on my mind more lately (probably because I don't currently have any prospects). It happens less these days than it used to (it had better, it's been 4 years and it was only an 8 month relationship), but it still happens. Then today my sister (who is still Facebook friends with him for some reason) gives me some news: he's engaged. To the guy that he started dating 3 months after he dumped me.

I know this feeling is something that happens to a lot of people. The feeling of when your ex gets engaged is especially painful when you were still in love with them when they dumped you, and the fact that he found the love of his life in 3 months when it took me two years to even find another guy that I could feel strongly for (who, like Ben, didn't feel the same) . . . it sucks. I am continually trying to pep talk myself. If he could do it, you can do it. It's a numbers game.

But when guy after guy who seems interested ends up ghosting me . . . it's easy to get disheartened.

I'm thinking of reactivating my paid membership on Match. That site is, after all, the only one I got an actual relationship from. Tinder and OkCupid have led to decent short flings here and there, but no one that I really felt like I clicked with strongly and no one that really seemed ready for a serious relationship like Ben was. And a friend of mine met his husband on Match a few years back. It's worth a try.

From Dusk Til (Almost) Dawn

I had one of the latest nights in a long time last night.

It all started on Friday night, when I was performing in an improv show and was delighted to see two friends in the audience. They hadn't told me they were coming. One was Ali, the guy I met at Pride that I talked about in the last few entries. The other was his friend Dan, a mutual friend (who I actually went out with in the past as well). Between the two of them, I'm closer to Dan but still don't really know either of them very well at this point. Anyway, I was super happy that they came to my show. Dan and I texted a bit afterward and he invited me to go out with them and their other friend, Kevin on Saturday night.

Come Saturday night I met up with them and we went to dinner with a bunch of their other gay friends. Then to the gay bar, which was actually a lot of fun. I was quite conscious about how much I was drinking after a not-so-great experience a few weekends ago in West Hollywood (I was out with my cousin Roger's friends, drank too much and got sick for the first time ever), but I still had a good time. They are a really friendly group of guys, and Kevin is quite the party-animal. He drinks a bit too much (most of the times I've seen him he's been drunk) and then gets a little . . . overly affectionate. I was a bit conflicted, being a little tipsy myself. On the one hand, Kevin is really cute and seemed to be coming onto me. On the other hand, I didn't really want to be making out with him in front of Ali and Dan (especially since the last time I got drunk with them I made out with Ali . . . I don't really want to be that guy). So, long story short, we ended up at their friend's house and played cards while Kevin passed out on the couch. We didn't leave until 4:30 AM. It was fun to let loose and get to know my new friends, but at the same time I don't want to make that a habit.

I had a back-to-back pair of great first dates a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, after a great second date with the first guy, that one seems to have fizzled out. I had high hopes as he seemed to have good values and seemed to be impressed with my preference for relationships over hooking up, but now he doesn't message me anymore. As for the second guy, it has been several weeks since I met him since he had family in town, but we plan on meeting up again tomorrow. He seems like he has a good head on his shoulders and he's a late-bloomer like me, so we'll see how that goes.

That's about it, just thought I would write a little entry since it had been a while.

Later!

Vicious cycle

Let's see what's new . . .

I went out to dinner with Ali, the guy I had the drunken make out session at the bars with. As I feared, his interest did not carry over sober. We had a fine conversation and have chatted a bit via text since, and he even invited me to go out with his friends on Friday . . . unfortunately I couldn't go. But his interest has definitely waned and he answers texts sporadically. I wasn't quite sure we were a match either, but still, it was disappointing.

I'm definitely falling back into being interested in dating again, even though I started out the year telling myself that I would focus on career. I know relationships are important to me, but still . . . focusing too much on dating gets me frustrated. I start thinking about all the seemingly great matches that didn't like me back the same way (Ben and Thomas being the two prime examples). Or all the ones that flaked on me. Or the ones who live 40 minutes away and feel that is too far to date.

In positive news, my cousin Roger is seeing a guy. The two look like they're on track to be boyfriends, which is very exciting. This will be Roger's first relationship, so I'm pulling for him. Still, the cynic in me is wondering just how long it will be before the guy loses interest and jumps ship. I swear guys, I don't know how to regain my romantic optimism! With my own relationship ending in a blindside dump and every promising guy since then not working out, I feel like I'm in a bit of a vicious cycle. I need to develop a better outlook in order to have a better experience, but only a better experience would allow me to cultivate such an outlook. I guess all I can do is fake it 'til I make it.

I do keep wondering whether I need to move. Either to LA proper or to San Francisco. My friends YouTube Guy and his boyfriend would love it if I moved up to the Bay, and I have a potential lead as as far as a job. But I have such strong roots in So Cal, it would be tough to leave it. We'll see.

Question for discussion: are you driven more by career or by relationships? How much will you sacrifice in one for the other?

A surprise at Pride

Recently I attended Pride with my cousin Roger. Originally, we had intended to only go to see one particular performance, and then we would leave and figure out other things to do. Perhaps see a movie or something. But as seems to happen at Pride, things don't always go according to plan . . .

Midway through the performance, I spotted two familiar faces. One was a guy that I've been Facebook friends with for several years, ever since we met at a mutual friend's birthday party. The other was his friend, who I had met on Grindr last year and went on several dates with (it kind of fizzled out after he got sick and had to cancel on me several times, after which communication died down). I'll call them Tyler and Dan. They were there with a third friend, Ali. All three had been at Pride for most of the day and were already in various stages of intoxication. I'll admit, I had been wanting to hang out with Tyler and his friends for quite some time. Tyler and I live close to one another and I don't have many gay friends that live close by, but all previous attempts to arrange a hang out had fallen through. Now, happenstance had put us in the same place at the same time. The boys were headed to another room of the venue, and Tyler invited Roger and me to come along. Despite the fact that we had come to see the show, we decided to follow them.

Ali seemed to take an immediate liking to me. He complimented me repeatedly throughout the night, telling me I was "so handsome". He was very cute himself. And so, for the second Pride in a row, I ended up finding a boy to tag along with and (once I had ample booze in me) make out with.

Another familiar face popped up during the night. This one belonged to a rather buff guy that I have seen on the dating websites and through mutual friends on Facebook. My only other time seeing him in person was when he was flirting with Roger in a bar about a year ago. Well, turns out the guy is Ali's ex-boyfriend. They seemed to be on good terms though. Although the dynamic between the two of them led to one slightly awkward, slightly awesome moment. Ali's ex had introduced himself to me and was asking me about myself (where do you live, etc.) He then asked, in a rather flirtatious manner, "Where's your boyfriend?" When I responded I didn't have one, he said, "Why not?" Before he could inquire further, Ali appeared and pulled him away. I couldn't hear what he said, but my guess was it was along the lines of "Lay off, he's mine!" It felt good to have two cute guys compete over me, even if they were both drunk, haha.

Roger managed to not drink as much as me (probably because he didn't have someone giving him drinks like Ali was doing for me), so Roger ended up driving us home. Tyler hitched a ride with us, since he lives close by. Dan seemed to be the one looking out for the other members of the group. I always did like him, and was sad that we didn't remain friends after we went out. Well, maybe we will now.

As for Ali, he texted me this morning. The first text was, of course, "Who are you?" He hadn't recorded my name with the number. Unfortunately, he did not remember kissing last night (he had to ask if we had). Fortunately, he did remember liking me, and has definitely followed through with making plans to meet up again. Let's hope I like him when he's sober! I did find out that he's 7 years younger than me, which was a bit of a surprise. I had assumed that he was the same age as Tyler and Dan. I suppose it's not that big a deal. I know I haven't had the best luck with guys in the 22-24 age range, but then again I haven't really had all that much luck with other ages either.

Here's to a fun night out, and a bit of an ego boost!

Colin, backseat shenanigans, and more

Hello blog world, it's been a while.

To be honest, I'm writing this entry because of Brent's comment a few weeks ago that I just read recently. That got the "Oh, people are still reading this!" wheels turning. So, kudos Brent!

So, where is ol' Cal at right now?

Career-wise, I'm in a better mental space then I was a few months ago, particularly in February. I'm still in the same job and everything and still exploring what's next, but I'm not feeling all doom and gloom about it. Basically, I'm being kinder to myself. Right now I'm reading Peter Buffett's Life is What You Make It, which is really resonating with me. The never-ending pull of the various forces in my headspace continues, but at least that book is helping me quiet down some of the "shoulds."

Dating-wise, things have also quieted down. Things didn't "end" with Colin so much as they just kind of fizzled. We casually dated for quite a while, but it was an awkward time. I was on crutches in an attempt to resolve my recurrent foot issues, so I wasn't making it up to his neck of the woods very much. He came down to me a couple times, but life got busy and weeks would pass without us seeing each other. Gradually the frequency of texting diminished. On top of that, I was clearly conflicted, which became very apparent to me when I purposefully didn't invite him to an outing with a bunch of my friends because Thomas was already going (he'd won tickets to the same event so we had made plans to go together before things had gotten a little more serious with Colin). I was uncomfortable with having both Thomas and Colin there so I didn't ask Colin to go. Still not sure what the proper action was there.

The last time I saw Colin was a few weekends ago. We had lunch, and I brought up the subject of "us" so we could be on the same page. He surprised me a bit, as I thought he had totally lost interest. Instead, he said that he did like me a lot, but he was dealing with a lot of "baggage" (he recently broke up with his long-term, live-in boyfriend . . . it happened just a couple months before we met). He said he understood if I wanted to move on and look for someone a bit more emotionally prepared for a relationship. I sympathized with him greatly, remembering how hard my own break-up was (I still think about my ex all the damn time, I just don't beat myself up about it as much anymore). I told him I'd like to still hang out with him, and we left it at that. I'll probably visit him next time I'm in the area, but I feel like dating-wise we're kind of done.

I met up with a young guy off of Grindr lately. I don't know why I do that. I know what most Grindr guys are looking for, and I know it's not what I'm looking for. This was just the latest example of that. We had a nice first date that ended a bit awkwardly. Red Flag # 1 he had a big aversion to kissing after he walked me to my car. I understand not everyone is comfortable with public displays of affection, but modest displays when few people are around? We went out for drinks a few nights later. Red Flag # 2 he really pushed for coming right over to my place. I told him my roommate was up and about and I'd rather meet for drinks. After drinks he said how he wished he could make out with me, but was uncomfortable doing it in the parking lot. I suggested we go in my car. He agreed, but then asked if I could drive around and find a private place (Red Flag # 3). I naively did so, and we ended up in a deserted parking lot, with nary a soul around. He suggested we go to the back seat. Having not done very much backseat macking, I acquiesced, for the experience. We kissed, and he talked about how hot I was. Really sweet words. But as things went on I realized that he, naturally, had a lot more on his mind than just making out. I told him that I, unlike many guys, prefer to take things slow. He said that was totally fine . . . but suggested maybe I could just look at his dick? I said okay. So he whipped it out. Then he wanted to see mine. Okay. Then he's jacking off, and I all can think of is dude, don't you dare fire that thing all over my car's interior. I think he finally got the message that I wasn't going to go all the way with him in the back seat of my car. Come on, I'm in my 30's for Pete's sake! I know I missed out on the whole teenage dating thing, but still. Suffice to say, I haven't heard from him since. Didn't expect to.

I know it makes me feel like an alien, but I know the answer is not to feel guilty about my relative lack of lustiness. I can't change my level of sex drive anymore than I can change the direction of my interests.

Still, nothing gets me going like the ol' transformation fiction, coupled with images of muscly dudes. I sometimes wonder whether a muscular guy would get me feeling more of a sexual lust. Being slender myself I don't really see that happening any time soon, but it's something I wonder about. I've now written a total of three stories for the "Gay Spiral Mind Control Story Collection." There is just something about the combination of muscle growth and mental transformation that pushes my buttons. My roommate suggested that perhaps the way I could unlock my sex drive would be to date a guy who is actively working out to put on muscle. Perhaps his slow "transformation" over time would be erotic for me. Perhaps! I admit, I did find it sexy when my ex-bf Ben started getting more into working out. He had hardly touched a weight before he started dating me. I was the one who got him into it and he even started working as a personal trainer shortly after he kicked me to the curb. Guess I created a monster.

In other news, I had an emotional conversation with my mom on the phone the other day. We were talking about the Orlando attack and the responses to it (which might be material for another entry later this week, we'll see). I told her how blessed I felt to have such supportive parents, as I've seen some of my friends lack the same level of support from their own families when it comes to their status as LGBT. I could barely get the words out, I became so choked up. She told me she felt lucky to have me as a son. She only wishes all her kids could find happiness already because their romantic troubles are driving her crazy!

I love my mom. And my dad too. I talked to them both today, for Father's Day. They'll be visiting in about a month, so I'm looking forward to that.

Alright, enough for tonight, it's bedtime. The journey continues!

Until next time,
Cal

Difficult decisions ahead

Still chugging along.

I'm attempting to finally resolve the stubborn foot issues I've been dealing with for the last year and a half by going completely non-weight-bearing for a while. That means crutches. I've been on them for about a week now, and MAN is it tiring! My shoulder is killing me today. I think I might look into renting a knee scooter instead.

The guy I went out with last month that I wrote about in the previous entry is still in the picture. In fact, I could potentially see things going somewhere with this guy. He is very sweet and considerate, and has a good sense of humor. While we have limited common interests, he is very open minded and up for new experiences (within certain parameters), which is a big plus. I'll assign this guy a name. Let's call him Colin.

Thomas is still around as well, though. I had a second conversation with him, this one on the phone, about a week ago. Seeing how things are progressing with Colin, I felt it was important to touch base with Thomas to see where we stood. Last time I had a conversation with him, he had expressed interest in revisiting dating, but he had been two months into seeing another guy. Since then we had hung out on several occasions and had a couple of really awesome days together, but I had no idea whether he was still seeing the other guy.

While the phone conversation was pleasant, it pretty much was a replay of the first conversation. I did learn that he is no longer seeing the guy he'd been seeing before. However, now he's seeing a new guy, which doesn't bode well for us. He still didn't flat out reject me, but since he didn't tell me when things ended with the first guy and thereafter started dating someone else, I can pretty much tell where I stand in his priorities. It sucks because we get along so well and have so much in common, and he's so cute. Plus our common interests and similarities in personality mean we never have a shortage of things to do together. But in this case actions speak louder than words. I gave him a very clear chance to revisit things with me, and he has not acted on it. Instead, he seems to want to keep that door open as long as possible without actually doing anything to walk through it.

Which brings me to the question of what to do about him. I really hate to lose his friendship, but my feelings for him would certainly interfere with things developing with Colin or anybody else. Colin has some distinct advantages over him anyway. Unlike Thomas, Colin doesn't mind making drives to hang with me on the weekend. He also texts me often, showing his interest. Thomas texts me too (and seems to be doing so more as of late) but not as often.

I'm going to hold off on making any decisions about it until I see where things go with Colin these next couple weeks. Still, it's not something I'm looking forward to. Thomas is arguably my best friend in LA now. Part of me wants to say to him, "If you're afraid of risking our friendship by dating, don't you see that our friendship is in jeopardy by not dating as well? If I can't date you, I can't be friends with you, because I like you too damn much!" Ugh.

Quick update

This weekend I was able to stay pretty calm. While the big issues still weigh on me, I was able to keep a bit more relaxed, mindful, and present.

Thursday I had the first therapy appointment I've had in a while. My therapist was out sick for one appointment, and then I missed the next one because of my car accident. So I was finally able to have a session. I think it really helped. I've scheduled sessions once a week for the next several weeks to try to help me get through the worst of this acute phase of my anxiety. Thinking about giving a psychiatrist another shot, but we'll see.

I've downloaded a meditation app called Headspace on my iPad. The first 10 days of meditation lessons/practice are free, after that its a monthly fee. I'm just trying the free trial first to see how I like it. I'm two days in. I could see it being something I enjoy as part of my daily routine. And maybe it will help me get up in the morning.

Even though dating is not my focus right now, I did go out with a new guy today. He had messaged me on Grindr back in December and we chatted off and on since then. We finally met, and I had a nice time. We met in my favorite "midway" shopping center between LA and where I live. Same shopping center where I first met Ben four years ago. Obviously the association still exists, but its been diluted over time. The guy is quite introverted and I definitely had to direct the conversation for much of the time, but he had a good time and has already expressed interest in meeting up again. So we're aiming for next weekend.

I'm increasingly realizing that although I do have real problems to deal with, my maladaptive beliefs and thought patterns are really the main problem. So getting a handle on that is definitely a priority.

Lessons learned

I learned several important life lessons over the past couple weeks.

Lesson one: old friends aren’t always lost forever. Sometimes it just takes the right circumstance to reconnect.

This lesson was proven twice recently.

The first reconnection was brought on by, of all things, the death of Scott Weiland, former lead singer of Stone Temple Pilots and Velvet Revolver. Mutual love of STP’s music had led to the formation of one of my closest high school friendships years ago, but since college we had lost touch. Hearing the sad news about Weiland inspired me to look up my old friend on Facebook and reach out. He responded, and we caught up via Facebook Messenger. I discovered he was engaged, with his wedding imminent. I took the opportunity to come out to him, which actually took him by surprise, but he was very supportive. The last time I’d seen him was when I was 25, two years before I came out. We made tentative plans to meet up after his wedding, but then a week later he messaged me to say that there was enough space for me to come, if I was able. So, last night I saw my friend for the first time in 6 years, at his wedding. It was a very nice ceremony, and it was great seeing him again!

The second reconnection also occurred via Facebook. The friend in question was the former roommate of Ben, my ex-boyfriend. I’ve had minimal contact with this friend for the last 2.5 years, since it was just too hard to be in contact with him while the wounds from my breakup were still fresh. We happened to chat a bit on Facebook a few weeks ago, however, and I invited him to a show in LA in which I was performing. When opening night came along, there he was in the front row. He came along to the bar for drinks afterward, and I invited him to tag along to see a movie with me and my other friend last weekend. While I’ll admit seeing him again did dredge up a few painful feelings, it was mostly nice and by forming new memories with him I felt like I “reclaimed” him a bit from the past and from the strong association with Ben. It helps that they are no longer roommates, but I also think I really have grown and healed, which is wonderful to be able to say. Incidentally, I also share a love of STP’s music with this guy.

That’s it for the first lesson. On to lesson number two.

Lesson two: sometimes when you think there are only two possible outcomes from a situation, you’re wrong.

This lesson was taught through my interactions with Thomas last weekend.

As I’ve talked about in previous entries, I have developed pretty strong feelings for my friend Thomas. He’s the first guy since Ben that I’ve liked this much. We casually dated earlier this year when we first met, but he called things off because he thought I might be more “friend” material. I was quite disappointed at the time, and felt like circumstances (such as my unusually busy schedule at the time and the fact that one or both of us was sick most of the time we were seeing each other) had prevented us from taking things to the next level. After a bit of a hiatus, we reconnected and started hanging out again. Since then, I’ve shared a number of memorable experiences with him and have felt my feelings grow stronger. Once again, I found myself in a situation where a guy had friend zoned me when I felt we had a lot of potential. Since that is how my failed relationship with Ben had started, I at first thought the best course of action might be to just swallow my feelings and accept it. I figured if I persisted I would  either get rejected again, or have another short-lived relationship that ended in heartbreak and the loss of another great friend.

But the longer I tried to just be friends with Thomas, the more conflicted I felt. Eventually it reached the point where I knew I would have to be honest with him, even if it meant risking our friendship.

I was in LA last weekend, so I figured that would be the best opportunity to come clean. I came to support him at a performance, then hung out with him for a while afterward. Near the end of our meal, I opened up to him. I explained that though I greatly enjoyed our friendship, I also still had feelings for him that I was trying to reconcile. Leading up to this, I was mostly sure that he would tell me he just wanted friendship, with a small chance that he would reciprocate my feelings and we would be able to resume dating. This was basically me going in with extremely low expectations, to protect myself in case of rejection.

To my surprise, neither of those outcomes came to pass. Instead, he revealed that he actually would be open to dating again . . . except for the fact that he was seeing someone already . . . someone who he had been dating for a couple months already.

Having gone into the conversation with such low expectations, I was surprised to learn that Thomas did actually seem to have some feelings for me. It was timing, rather than me, that was the issue. After we talked a bit about the reasons he ended things before, he said that if for some reason things didn’t work out with the guy he’s currently seeing, he’d be open to dating again. It's an unusual situation, and I know better than to bank on him becoming single again. But the conversation still made me feel better, like my feelings were based on an actual connection and not just wishful thinking on my part. And the experience taught me yet another valuable lesson:

Lesson three: it pays to take a risk and follow your instincts, even if taking risks and following your instincts hasn’t always paid off in the past.

If I had acted on my instincts a couple months ago instead of allowing myself to be guarded and accepting defeat, things might have been different. Moving forward, I will do my best to not allow my experiences with Ben in the past to cause me to overthink things and become paralyzed.

Meanwhile, I’ve gone out a few times with a very nice guy who lives in my town. It’s still early to tell how much potential there is there, and my lingering feelings for Thomas are still a lingering issue, but I plan to see where it goes for now and not get too up in my head about it.

Fighting impostor syndrome or, Why I need a bigger bed

Second weekend in a row with some sexual escapades; go me I guess!.

I had a message on OkCupid yesterday from a guy who is new to the area. Young guy in his early/mid 20s. Though my experience with the last young guy is still pretty fresh on my mind, this one seemed like a nice guy, and he was keen to meet up.

Well let's just say that this was not a repeat of my experience with the last young guy. After a nice lunch date and a walk, he ends up coming back to my place and almost immediately gets naked (this after I told him that I usually take things slow and that puts me at odds with most guys . . . something he obviously did NOT take to heart, haha). I decide to just go with it, seeing as I've been telling myself I need to get more sexual experience anyway. Midway through our messing around he clarifies that he is not looking for a relationship, just a potential friend-with-benefits. While I don't have very much intrinsic interest in such an arrangement, it would be a good opportunity to get some more experience, so I say I'm open to it.

Our session was pretty fun. I admit, it went on a bit long and I started to just want to finish. But near the end, when our bodies were super sweaty and slippery (I have never had such a sweaty lovemaking session, haha) I had a period where I was getting pretty into it. The sensations were good, his passion was noticeable, and I was able to finish (which doesn't always happen, especially with a new guy). Sex is really something that I need to be put in the mood for, and I also need to try to stay focused during. Thoughts constantly try to invade while I am struggling to stay in the moment. But in this case, I felt like I was almost feeling what a sexual experience is supposed to feel like. At least, a hook-up type one. I'd still prefer to have feelings for the other person!

One thing that would make things better: a bigger bed. The size of my bed definitely became an impediment, partially because he's a bit bigger than me. It's something I've been thinking about, and this experience reinforced its importance.

One thing I liked about this guy was his communication style. Throughout he was telling me what he wanted and what felt good, and he was asking me the same. Communication is huge for me, so that was nice.

Overall if this guy sticks around (he sounded like he wanted to see me again, whether that was the truth we'll see) I can see myself fooling around more with him.

It might be good for me, because I've been struggling with a bit of what seems like gay man impostor syndrome. Since I don't have the level of intrinsic interest in sex with men that most gay guys seem to have, it makes me feel weird about calling myself gay sometimes. Yes, I know I have only dated guys and I masturbate to fantasies that involve men (albeit not exactly straight-forward sexual fantasies). But because I feel so out of my element in the bedroom, I can't help but feel weird about it. It's something I really need to work through, because I feel it is the number one thing that is preventing me from finding a relationship. I feel it's the missing piece with guys like Thomas who are otherwise a perfect match for me. Heck, maybe it had something to do with the lack of chemistry that Ben felt for me at the end of our relationship.

Do any of you out there ever feel like you don't fully deserve your gay card? How many sexual experiences did it take for you to finally feel "natural" in the bedroom?

Communication Breakdown

I've been feeling pretty good lately, despite the usual dating frustrations.

One recent good experience: YouTube Guy and his boyfriend came to SoCal to visit for Halloween. I had a great time with them, and they finally got to see one of my improv shows. I think seeing me in my artistic element helped YouTube Guy understand what I like about improv, how it helps me be present in the moment and get out of my head. He said that even being in the audience allowed him to unplug from the worries of life for a little while.

Overall their visit was greatly relaxing and lifted my spirits (which have already been decently high as of late).

On the dating front, I've started to ramp up my dating efforts again after taking some downtime following the last few disappointments. There's one guy in particular who lives near me that I've been getting to know. We had texted for a while and finally met up a few weeks ago. He seems like a really nice, considerate guy, which is nice. Consideration seems to be lacking lately from others.

This weekend especially, I experienced lack of consideration from multiple individuals:

Thomas. We had made plans to see a movie on Sunday. I was also hoping to finally have an opportunity to have the chat with him that I've been meaning to have, to clarify what happened between us. But when I texted him to confirm Saturday night, he told me he had to reschedule because a friend was in town. Why he waited for me to text him to tell me this, I don't know, but it rubbed me the wrong way.

Roger, my cousin. I was planning to hang out with him and stay over at his place in LA after going on a date in the area*. But all day long Roger was unresponsive via phone or text. I ended up making other plans**, and then had to drive home Saturday night instead of staying over in the city. Turns out he started partying early that morning, and was too . . . distracted to check his phone all day long. Here I was afraid that he was in trouble or something . . . anyway he contacted me the next day and was apologetic. But with the double whammy of that and Thomas's cancellation I was not feeling the love.

*So what about that LA date I went on? It was a guy from Tinder I'd been chatting with for quite some time. Super cute, and we had a nice conversation. We hung out for about 2 hours and had a lot in common. He walked me back to my car afterward and we parted ways (with me debating whether I should have kissed him . . .), but he said to hit him up next I was around. A couple days later, this guy who has been so responsive and friendly via text for the last several weeks is now rather unresponsive. What ever happened to guys saying "Sorry, I'm not interested?" Grow some balls fellas!

**And those other plans I made after my cousin flaked on me? Well I met up with another guy. Rather unusual for me to go straight from one date to another, but hey, I was in the city and this guy had been wanting to meet up for a while now. He wasn't really feeling up to going out, so I came over to his place. We watched a movie on TV, during which we chatted and cuddled, and then made out, and then jerked each other off. The whole time he seemed very interested, complimenting me on my body. And afterward he was talking about how next time he'd have to come to my neck of the woods. When we parted ways he asked me to text him when I got home. Well I did text him when I got home, and then again a few days later (today) to see how the rest of his weekend was. No answer.

It doesn't seem like it was always like this. I feel like when I first started dating a few years ago, it was the odd guy who would just plan disappear and give me the cold shoulder. Now it seems like nearly every guy is doing it. I don't know what's going on, but I don't like it. I pledge to never do that to someone. Letting the conversation fade out is one thing. But not responding to a message is just plain rude.

But at least I hadn't had time to develop feelings for either of those guys. My heart is becoming a little more resilient. I'll treat guys like that like pinball bumpers. They may jerk me around a little bit, but ultimately I'll just ricochet off with minimal momentum lost. Meanwhile, I'll be the change I want to see in the world. I won't use people like a means to an end, and if someone likes me I will not rudely give them the cold shoulder. As much as it can hurt to be rejected, being honest and direct is the grown-up, considerate way to be. I would rather someone tell me that it's not going to work out, and give a reason why so I can learn and grow. Because the only lesson I learn from the silent treatment is that the dating scene is full of assholes.

Hey, remember when I used to name my posts after song titles, and include the video for the song in question?

Thank you for being a pal

Another wonderful weekend spending time with Thomas. Uh oh. This time I didn't quite make it out without feeling down about it.

I enjoy hanging out with him so much. This is seriously Version 2.0 of my first relationship, at least so far. In that I met someone online, dated him for a a while, starting falling for him, got friend zoned, and now have been trying to navigate being friends while my feelings grow even stronger.

I know it's not sustainable. I figure I need to act sooner rather than later. It's not fair to either of us. So I'll probably try to hang out with him a lot less next weekend, and instead get coffee or something and have a chat so that we are on the same page.

I definitely got mixed messages from him over the weekend. On the one hand, he invited me to accompany him to all sorts of get-togethers. And we had dinner last night, just the two of us, in a very date-like atmosphere. And he gave me a kiss on the cheek when we parted ways on Saturday night.

BUT . . .

He jokingly called me a "cock-blocker" when he had to turn down a guy's offer to go for a walk at the beach because he was waiting for me to show up. And probably most damning of all, when we parted ways Sunday night he thanked me for hanging out and for being "such a pal." Then later that night after I texted him that I'd made it home safely, he reiterated his thanks and used the word "pal" again. Doesn't get much clearer than that.

So pretty much I am squarely in the friend zone, which is to be expected since I was . . . well . . . explicitly friend zoned earlier this year.

I just don't get how someone who I get along with SO well, who I have SO much in common with, who I share so many interests with, who shares my sense of humor . . . can fail to reciprocate my feelings. All that is enough for me to feel something, why isn't it enough for him?

Well, I do get it. I'm pretty sure he doubts our sexual chemistry. Because we didn't bump uglies when we were dating before. Nevermind that one or both of us was sick for most of that time.

I don't want to lose his friendship. Having him in my life makes me a happier person (well, except for today, haha). Finding a kindred spirit really makes you feel less alone in the world, you know?

BUT . . .

I felt the same way about Ben. And I was persistent in my pursuit of him. I did successfully have my first and only relationship because of my stubborn rejection of being friend-zoned. But ultimately I lost him completely from my life.

So I guess I'm just worried that history will continue to repeat itself. I know that just because something starts the same doesn't mean it will end the same. I guess I just need to tell him how I feel and hope for the best. Best scenario: he reciprocates. Okay scenario: he doesn't feel the same, but it doesn't affect our friendship in a negative way. Bad scenario: he doesn't feel the same and our friendship sours.

Guess I just gotta act. Any suggestions on how to bring it up, how to word it?

A great weekend and a growing friendship

I'd say I'm recovered from the disappointment that had me down when I wrote the last entry. Maybe I'm getting quicker at bouncing back? Maybe so.

I had an amazing weekend. I spent it in and around Los Angeles, hanging out with friends. I had lunch with my good friend Sam, my old "breakup buddy" who helped me cope with my breakup when I met him back in 2013. I hadn't seen him in several months, so it was good catching up. He's in a relationship now, and I'm extremely happy for him.

Much of the rest of the weekend I spent with Thomas. It hadn't been my original intention to spend so much time with him, but after we hung out as planned he invited me to several more events so I tagged along. I had a blast spending time with him, and I felt like we became closer friends. What's more, the experience did not make me sad at all (as you may recall, Thomas is the one I dated this year that I liked the most . . . he's the first guy since Ben that I liked to such a high degree). While I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish things could go somewhere beyond friendship with him, I've realized that I really enjoy his friendship as well, and if that's all I'll get then that's still a really good thing. He really is a joy to be around, and we have a lot in common, from a love of improv to interest in movies to the tendency to break out into song at the slightest provocation. Heck, even if all my dating exploits never result in a lasting boyfriend, friends like Thomas will still make it all worth it. Still . . . part of me wishes . . .

Meanwhile I'm chatting with several guys on Tinder, so I'm sure it won't be long before I go on some more dates. I think I'm becoming more comfortable with the sheer amount of dead ends that dating involves. For every great friend like Sam or Thomas that results from online dating, there's like 20 guys that go nowhere, whether they are duds from the first date, start promisingly and then suddenly do a 180 (like the guy who cooked for me) or just disappear entirely (like the young guy). I think for a long time I had trouble reconciling the inevitable high failure rate of dating with the fact that I had my first relationship with the second guy I went out with. For a long time I felt like it was because there was something broken in me. But really it's because I know what I want. I want someone that makes me excited, like Ben did, like Thomas did (does). I don't think it's unreasonable to hold out for that.

Though the fear of ending up alone does rear its ugly head more often than I'd like.

The pattern continues

Preparing for a venting post. I'm experiencing a bit of emotional whiplash at the moment. It's been a good month up until now, I swear! Ha ha.

Let me start at the beginning. A guy messaged me on Grindr a few weeks ago. Young guy, only 22. But cute, and with a nice profile. We chat a bit, and he seems really friendly and interested in talking with me. He asks me what I'm looking for, and I say "meeting new people for friends and dates," and he says the same. Turns out we share some common interests and he lives really close to my work, so we agree to meet up. My usual dating range is 5 years on either side of my age, but I figured why not? The guy seems nice.

I met up with him after work last week, and we had a great time. Really nice guy, and we got along well. I kissed him at the end of the date, and we made out and cuddled a bit in my car. The next day he texted me, expressing his interest in seeing me again.

Cut to this past Saturday. We meet up and go to a shopping center. Our chemistry is great, and we even walk around holding hands, which I've only done with a handful of guys. I suggest we ride a nearby ferris wheel, so we do. It's a very romantic ride, and we kiss some more as it goes around. We then grab drinks at a nearby bar and talk for quite a while.

Back to my car, where we make out for quite a while, and cuddle. He says that it's okay if my hands wander a bit lower, so I graze down there a bit. Still, since this is only our second date I don't want to go too far, but I do what I'm comfortable with. After a while it's late, so I drive him over to his car and we part ways. I make it clear that I look forward to seeing him again. We both seem to have had a great time. There was never a lull in the conversation or an awkward moment.

This time, no text the next day, but I think nothing of it. Monday comes around and I texted him, asking how the rest of his weekend was. No answer. 

Tuesday: nothing.

Wednesday: nothing. I texted him to say I hope he's doing well, and that I hope to see him again soon. No answer.

Aaaand now the ruminations start. As while I keep trying to give him the benefit of the doubt (maybe he's busy, maybe he's having phone trouble, etc), as time goes on it is seeming more and more like he is giving me the cold shoulder.

Personally, not responding to a text is one of my pet peeves. I think it is hugely disrespectful. The last guy to give me the silent treatment was "the guy who cooked for me", the summer crush who went away for two months and came back with no interest in meeting up again. I tried to keep in touch and he stopped responding after showing interest at first in hanging out again (and that guy stated in his Tinder profile that non-responders are one of HIS pet-peeves!)

I'm trying to buffer my disappointment, but each time it gets a little harder. Could it really be because I didn't take him back to my place? Could two awesome dates with great chemistry really mean nothing if he didn't get laid? Was it the same story with the guy from the summer (in that case it was three great dates). 

Is it so wrong for me to want to get to know a guy a bit (a bit meaning more than just two dates) before jumping into the bedroom? And if that's not what's going on, then what the hell could it be?

I need advice. Do you expect sex within the first 2-3 dates? If you really had a good time with a guy but you didn't end up in bed together after making out, would you take that to me a lack of sexual chemistry, or lack of interest on his part?

I really wish I knew what I was doing wrong. In 2013 and 2014 it was easy to blame my failures on still recovering from heartbreak. But all these disappointments in 2015 suggest there's something else going on. And I'd love it to be something I can fix, rather than something about me (i.e., not quick enough into the bedroom). 

Maybe I was right not to date guys in their early 20s. Even if they seem mature, maybe they really are just about sex.

But I'll keep chugging. Because that's all I can do.

Hopefully I'll update this in a few days with a "False Alarm! He was just busy and I got all bent out of shape for nothing!" post. But going off of past experience . . . I'm not holding my breath.

Gaybor Day Weekend

I had a really awesome Labor Day Weekend.

A friend from the past drove up from San Diego to spend it with me . . . it was my friend Ron, who I first met back in 2013. I hadn't seen him since I was last in San Diego in July 2014.

Ron is one of my favorite guys that I have dated. It was mostly the combination of the distance between us and his busy schedule that put the kabosh on us dating before. I still think about him periodically. Well, this weekend he came up and we did an LA weekend together. It was awesome, but it also kind of cemented us as just-friends.

We spent a lot of time with my cousin Roger, who is very comfortable being out and about by now. In fact, he got quite a bit of action over the weekend. First, he spent the night in a hotel room with Ron's flamboyant friend. Then he had a random guy come up to him at a bar in West Hollywood, and before you knew it they were kissing. The guy was really cute too!

Ron and I went shopping for clothes, which was nice. I got some new shirts, some dark jeans, and some new shoes. I hate clothes shopping, especially alone, so it was really nice to have someone there to provide advice.

We went out to the bars in West Hollywood two nights in a row, and stayed out quite late both nights. One night several of my friends met up with us, including El Genio from the blogs. It was so nice seeing him again!

The highlight of the weekend, and also the most emotionally complex experience, was when Ron and I met up with Thomas. Thomas, as you may recall, is the latest guy I had strong feelings for who friend zoned me. The three of us had a board game night, which was insanely fun. It also was, I noticed at one point, me hanging out with the two guys who I was most interested in dating over the past several years.

They are such cool guys and good friends. I just wish I could date one of them. Ron is pretty much out of the question now, as I opened up to him on the drive home from LA about my lingering feelings for Thomas. That and he is about twice as far away as Thomas is.

Thomas frustrates me. We get along SO well, we have so many things in common, and he is so frickin' attractive to me! But he ended things, and the last time I continued to pursue a guy after I was friend zoned . . . well, I did have my first relationship. But ultimately I got my heart broken. I like Thomas so much that I don't want to risk losing him as a friend. At the same time, I like him so much more than ever single other guy I've dated in the past several years! I guess the most aggravating thing is that we went out for two months, and he seemed legitimately interested at the beginning. So, I feel like I had a chance and blew it, which can feel worse than having never had a chance at all.

I am determined to pursue the friendship, because I really do feel like it would be a shame to lose him as a friend. At the same time, I'm conflicted about whether I should ever admit my feelings or just try to grow out of them.

I think what I need to work on is upping my flirtation game when dating. I know sexual energy doesn't come naturally to me, but I'm gonna have to learn to at least fake it somewhat if I want to stop getting friend zoned left and right. The next time a Thomas comes around, I don't want to miss my chance.

The Catfish Saga

So you know that weird muscle guy who was lecturing me about being shallow on Grindr? Things got weirder.

For the purposes of this story I'm going to use two pseudonyms to differentiate between the parties involved. Muscle Guy is the Grindr profile. Manny is the guy that I went out on three dates with that Muscle Guy claimed to have seen me with.

My first interaction with Muscle Guy was after Date 2 with Manny. That was the interaction I talked about in the last entry. Muscle Guy seemed to really be keen on convincing me to continue dating Manny, as well as lecturing me about the folly of dating for physical attraction. To the point where I thought, "What if this is actually Manny himself, and he's testing me to see how I act if an attractive guy messages me?"

However Manny seemed like a stand-up guy in person, so I banished those thoughts. Muscle Guy didn't show up again until about a week later . . .

On the same day that Manny had asked me to Date 3. A couple hours before the date I check Grindr and Muscle Guy messages me. Immediately he wants to know what I'm doing that night. I tell him I have dinner plans and he asks me to bail on them and go out with him instead. I tell him I can't. He asks me if my plans are a date or with a friend . . . I don't answer.

Date 3: My roommate suggests I check Grindr in the restaurant parking lot to see if Muscle Guy is close by (which would suggest he is really Manny). I do . . . and his profile has vanished, as well as our previous conversation. Weird.

I have an okay time with Manny, but several things bother me (in addition to my suspicion of a connection to Muscle Guy), including his refusal to let me pay for my dinner (he already paid for the first two dates, and I don't like being overly doted upon). He literally throws my credit card on the ground when I offer it. After dinner I tell him that I'm not really feeling the romantic energy between us. He is disappointed and immediately assumes it is about physical attraction. He talks about how members of his family that have very good long-term relationships did not base them on physical attraction.

While physical attraction was indeed an issue, I recognize that its not everything (that's why I gave it three dates). But at that point I just wasn't feeling enough of a connection. He took it well, or at least seemed to.

Later that night, Muscle Guy reappears and hits me up on Grindr, asking how dinner was. He then asks me if I'm still with "That guy," meaning Manny. I ask him how come. He responds "How come??" I answer, I just want to know why you're asking. He says, "I just don't want to be a hindrance." After I tell him I'm not seeing Manny anymore he asks what happened, so he knows if he "has a chance," but I decline to go into it.

Now I'm getting really suspicious and am pretty darn certain that Muscle Guy is really Manny himself, or at least a friend. I reverse image search the photos he sent, and it turns out they belong to a fitness model slash gay porn star.

A ha! Gotcha! Well maybe . . . I Facebook search the real model and it turns out . . . wait for it . . . he's friends with Manny on Facebook!

I try to play along to catch him in a lie. At one strange point in the conversation Muscle Guy dismisses himself to check on his "friend" who he is supposedly staying with while in town. Said "friend" is acting all depressed and annoying, he says. When he returns, he claims that his friend's mood is due to having had an "asshole date." 

I wrap up the convo with Muscle Guy, who I am at this point 100% sure is catfishing me, and I'm 90% sure it's Manny himself (the real model lives abroad). 

The only lingering questions: did Manny really think he was being sneaky? Also, what was all of Manny's emphasis on honesty in our conversations if he's impersonating one of his FB friends to "test" the guys he goes on dates with? Weeeeeird. 

Anyways, that was my experience with a catfish. I was so creeped out during that whole time. I hope the above made sense. If it comes across as confusing, well join the club! Let me know what you think about it, and if you feel (as I do) that the evidence points to Muscle Guy and Manny being one and the same.

Back to the Grind, for now

I took a long break from Grindr. About a year. I felt like it was contributing too much to compulsive checking, and all for very little return. However, I recently was traveling in Europe (yay!), and decided to download it again to try to meet local guys.

Well, I didn't meet any locals, but I did meet an Australian who was traveling (do Australians travel a lot, or what?) It turned out really well! He was a super nice guy and pretty cute, We hung out out for a good part of the day in Rome, had dinner together, and checked out the Roman gay scene. The scene wasn't much, just a couple bars that were pretty low energy . . . then again we went on a week night. The coolest thing about the bars is that they are located right next to the Colosseum. We overall had a great time, and we ended up making out a little bit at the end of the night before we parted ways. A romantic little Roman holiday. Maybe that is my version of a one night stand. Getting to know someone over a day, swapping stories and getting to know each other, having a nice dinner and drinks, and then kissing a bit. We didn't go any further because I had an early morning, but it was a nice experience. I know the lack of expectation that it could lead to anything long term probably helped me get out of my head. We're Facebook friends now.

I still have Grindr on my phone now that I'm home. It has led me to go on a couple dates with a new guy. Very interesting guy . . . very sweet and smart. Very successful. Great, fun personality. Also not the physical type I'm usually attracted to. I've been out with him twice. He's exactly the kind of guy that gets me stuck in my head. We click personality-wise pretty well. But I don't really feel the romantic energy, the base attraction. And that kind of thing just triggers and feeds my sexuality doubts.

Cut to tonight. I notice I got a message from a very attractive torso. Six pack abs, nice chest, the works. Not the kind of profile I usually get a message from. I hesitantly respond, and he answers quickly and seems nice and conversational. He also says that I look familiar. He asks me if I was on a date at the mall recently. I say yes, and he responds that he saw me with my date. He mentions how I looked happy, and asks if it is even worth it for him to pursue me. He sends me a face pic and he is smoking hot. I assure him that things are casual with the other guy, we've only been on two dates, and I am open to meeting others. The guy asks to see a body pic, so I send him the first one I can find, a shirtless pic of me at the beach. The guy then says, "I wish you the best with this guy."

Upon further inquiry he says that I'm not his type, he likes more muscle. This doesn't come as a surprise, frankly at this point I was surprised that such a buff, hot guy would express interest in the first place. He apologetically calls himself shallow (could he not tell I wasn't buff when he saw me at the mall?) He then starts to try to convince me to continue dating the other guy. He stresses the importance of finding someone who can make you laugh, and he brings up again how happy I seemed on my date (turns out he was the hot guy I noticed sitting at the table behind my date, lol) He tells me that looks fade, and that I should go for the guys that see beyond looks.

While a lot of what he says is good advice, his hypocrisy is of course rather striking. I suggest to him that he practice what he preach, reminding him that he just called himself shallow and rejected me based on my physique. He agrees but turns it back on me and even sends me a cartoon with the following text:

"God, why haven't you sent me a boyfriend? God replied: I did but you keep telling him 'No fats, no fems . . .'"

The whole time I can't believe I'm having this conversation. Here's a guy who talks about wanting to "pursue" me, then immediately changes his mind when he sees my body picture, then tries to convince me to marry another guy he saw me with and implies I'm shallow for not wanting to marry the guy after two dates. It was all just very . . . weird.

But it did get me thinking about attraction. It is frustrating how usually the guys that are the most into me are the ones that do little for me attraction-wise. And it's true, looks fade. But at the same time I date guys for a reason. Attraction, at least some basic level of it, is important. Heck, it's what I struggle with. Guys catch my eye all the time but the guys I go on dates with rarely have the same effect on me. And especially having had a boyfriend in the past who I did find attractive, it's hard to not want that again. I give guys a chance, even if attraction isn't quite there at the beginning. But ultimately, I don't think it's shallow to want to be attracted to your partner. It's why gay guys date guys in the first place.

Anyways, Grindr can definitely lead to meeting cool people, like my Australian friend. It can also lead to very weird conversations. Will I delete it again? Probably. But for now it's just another tool to meet people I might not otherwise. And get the occasional lecture about shallowness from a shallow muscle guy.

The More Things Change

Despite my focus on professional issues in the previous entry, I can't pretend that my personal life is not important. It is. Very important. It always has been. My sexuality confusion has defined and dominated the last decade in a way that I regret immensely. At the same time, you can't say that I haven't been proactive in trying to find a solution.

After years of trying to figure things out in the safety of my own room, I forced myself out there and started dating. I almost immediately got a relationship for my trouble, and for the better part of a year these issues started to decrease in intensity. They were still present, but I was happy enough that I finally felt like I was making progress.

Then it ended, and the issues came back with a vengeance, During that time I've dated a LOT. I've gone on so many first dates, and though I haven't had as many sexual experiences as many guys, I've had several. Still not anything beyond oral for the most part, but still . . . I'm a bit more experienced than I was starting out. But no one has come along and made me feel convinced that this was the right path for me. And that's what is so aggravating. Ben's not enough. One relationship could be a fluke.

I hear so many stories about guys coming out of the closet, and the first time they do something with a guy it just feels right. And sure, when I have a promising prospect like Thomas, it does relieve my anxiety a bit. But does it feel right? I just don't know. It seems like my lack of interest in actual sex is the common factor that has torpedoed my potential relationships with several good guys now. Our lack of good sexual chemistry was a major factor in Dean ending things. Things ended with the gaymer earlier this year after we fooled around (awkwardly). And Thomas, the best match I've found since I've been single again, cited our lack of bedroom play when he told me he thought of me as more of a friend (even though he never once invited me over, nor drove to my neck of the woods . . . where would we have done it Thomas, the car?) Not to mention the "guy who cooked for me" who went away from the summer. He came back . . . and responded to my text with a "I'm not in dating mode right now" explanation, along with an apology. This from a guy that was very interested after our first two dates! When did his interest seem to die off? Not after his trip . . . no, I can trace it to right before he left. Right after our third time seeing each other, during which I slept over at his place and we didn't do anything sexual.

I've gone on a couple dates with a guy who has an amazing personality. Seriously, this guy is cool. I'm also not particularly physically attracted to him. I also am not sure I'm comfortable being doted on like he seems to like doing. So this is not helping my current bout of confusion.

I guess I'm afraid I like guys more in theory than in practice. Sure, the hot ones are great to look at . . . but how does that translate to a relationship? If the kind of guy I'm interested in only comes around once in a blue moon, and then rejects me for not being into sex enough or not getting to it fast enough, then why am I even dating guys?

I know that a lot of this has to do with the fact that I don't have any prospects right now that I have interest in like I did with guys like Thomas and the flake who cooked for me. But still. I shouldn't have to actively be dating someone to feel (more) confident in my sexuality.

I honestly feel like I might just be alone forever. And I know that it's that feeling that makes it possible, but I can't control it.

So if I force myself to stop dating and focus on career, it might just be because I've given up on finding someone. Because if I have to be alone, I might as well try to do what I want.

I'm sorry for this Debbie Downer fest. I've just really been bothered by this lately. Too many disappointments in a row, and frustration over never seeming to be attracted to the guys that do like me. Then there's a (married) girl I know that I seem to be crushing on, to throw that into the mix.

Maybe I just want what I can't have, what seems unobtainable . . . before I came out guys seemed so desirable . . . now girls don't seem so bad. Oh that greener grass . . .

Accepting myself, forgiving myself

I created this blog and my original one so I could be completely open about the things that are troubling me. This has pretty much been dominated by two major topics: my personal life (including figuring out my sexuality and dating) and my professional life (primarily deciding on my career direction).

Other than a period during 2010 when I wrote about struggling over the decision to go to grad school or not, I haven't really talked much about my career concerns on this blog. I think a major reason for this is . . . shame. Yep, the same reason I had never discussed my peculiar sexual fetish until recently has kept me from discussing career concerns. Which is stupid. This is an anonymous blog. The purpose of said blog is to help me work through my issues! Who cares if the same issues carry on over a long time? Keeping them to myself is counter-productive . . . that's why I started blogging!

Yeah, that's the reason why I feel shame. Because I feel like I'm still dealing with very similar issues to those I was dealing with five years ago, and for that matter five years before that.

But the thing I try to remind myself of: I'm not unusual. PLENTY of people are struggling to find their place in the world. Plenty of people feel like they could be doing more with their lives. Plenty of people feel stuck.

When I graduated from college, I took out a notebook and made a Pros/Cons table. On one side of the table was "PhD." On the other side was "MD." Those were the only two options I allowed myself. I found that notebook today while I was going through boxes preparing for a move.

In many ways I was a different person then. Yet I STILL feel, at least on some level, like a little bit of a failure for having not gone down one of those paths. The thing is, neither of them was a path that I felt passionate about. Both of them required a huge up-front commitment and sacrifices that I just did not feel were worth the prizes at the end.

What I would really like is to learn to accept myself and forgive myself. To stop feeling like I failed by not choosing the MD or PhD path.

There's a positive way of looking at my choices, and a negative way.

Negative way: You are lazy and fearful. You have let fear and your risk aversion control your life and keep you from achieving the level of success you're capable of. You've focused on and prioritized personal issues, which will keep you mediocre. Your search for your life's passion will prove fruitless as you're chasing after a mirage.

Positive way: You have grown and learned much from your experiences and you are still learning and growing. You are living a more authentic life now by making room for your interests and rightfully prioritizing your personal life (because it has meaning to you). You will not be mediocre, because you CARE. PhD and MD are not the be-all end-all to success, and success itself is relative anyway. True success is found by living an authentic life. Not by forcing yourself into competitive high-level career paths that do not speak to your heart.

I want to fully believe in the latter. But exorcising the former is difficult at times. My mood seems to correlate with how much I've internalized the Positive Way at any given time.

It's important for me to make progress in this realm of my life. In fact, I've decided that it should be my Number One priority. I have not achieved a lasting relationship in the last three years despite all of my efforts and time that I've put towards dating. I think focusing on myself, my career, and my life in general are more likely to help me get the relationship I want than focusing on meeting guy after guy. I need to become the kind of guy that any other guy would feel grateful to be able to date. And I'll do that by working on becoming more fulfilled in the other realms of my life.

Not to say I'm going to stop dating. I'll still date. But it can't be my primary focus. There's more work to be done.

Not so weird

I'm curious as to what people think of my previous entry . . . it was definitely one of my most personal. I was inspired to come clean by YouTube user "Adorkable," a gay guy who has talked on his channel about having a transformation fetish. 

I tell ya, it is liberating to feel like you're not as weird as you thought you were. Between reading more about that, and finding Emily Nagoski's blog, I'm feeling more comfortable with my sexuality than I can remember.

Here is another article where she talks about spontaneous vs. responsive desire, and the results of society's glorification of the former and misunderstanding of the latter. 

http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2010/02/27/do-you-know-when-you-want-it/

What she says about responsive desire strikes a chord with me. Doesn't randomly want sex? Check. Would be fine with having sex once a week or less? Check. Able to get aroused in the appropriate context? Check.

I had a date with a guy in LA last night. He was quite cute and really nice, and I related to him quite a bit with his coming out story. We kissed before parting ways, and that woke me up downstairs. Meanwhile, watching Magic Mike with my cousin on the 4th of July, though very pleasurable to the senses, noticeably didn't leave me feeling aroused. Old Cal might have started over thinking that and wondering how he could really be gay if Channing Tatum gyrating couldn't give him a boner. But now that I've had a bit of a paradigm shift, I realize that not all gay guys are the same. Sure, the majority of them might be horn dogs (as with the majority of men), but not all. 

I had breakfast with Thomas for the first time since he ended things. I want to keep him as a friend, especially seeing as how we really never got very serious. Damn do I still like him though! We had a great conversation and I was reminded of how I relate to him in so many ways. But, I have learned from past experience that when a guy says he doesn't want to date, you have to believe him. Because even if pushing the issue got me a relationship, it would not be a relationship with a very strong foundation. And I really don't need Ben 2.0. 

Speaking of Ben, my cousin Roger made the questionable decision to remind me of Ben's birthday recently. What can I say, Roger is not always the most tactful (he's the one who semi-inadvertently outed me to my aunt and uncle after all). I successfully resisted any and all urges to reach out to my ex, so yay for me. But then later that day, as I was hiking with a friend, I saw a guy who looked very much like Ben. For a moment I thought it was actually him. And in that moment I got a little preview of what actually running into him would feel like. Let me tell you, it was not pleasant. Kind of like having an ice cream headache in my whole body. So yeah, that specter still haunts me. But, I've learned that it's something I just have to live with. Getting over a lost love has some active elements, but it's primarily a passive process it seems.

As addicted as I seem to be to dating, I'm beginning to feel the clock tick again on career issues. Though my job is decent (and better than the job I had during my acute career crisis several years ago), I still have the nagging feeling that I should be doing more with my life. I just keep having the fear that changing paths will adversely affect my ability to have a relationship. It seems my greatest fear is being alone, and that fear affects my life choices a lot more than it should. But then again, I've kept my current job that leaves me plenty of time to date, and what relationship do I have to show for it? I'm taking baby steps to figure these things out, but I just feel like my youth is running out. A big change or risk is going to have to happen at some point.

Even with these concerns, I know I'm not alone. They are concerns and worries that plenty of people have. I just hope as I look back at this time in my life 20 years from now, I will be looking back from a place of contentment.