Hello all!
I got my new car! It was a quick, painless process. Got a Mazda3 hatchback, and I even got it in the color I wanted ("crystal blue mica"). Quite different from a truck, but I'm really liking it. I took it up to the mountains a few weekends ago for a big get-together I planned.
THAT was a relaxing weekend. YouTube Guy and his boyfriend came down from the bay area, my cousin Brad came down from Nor Cal, and other friends such as Janice, Walter, and Nina came as well. We rented a cabin, drank, played games, went hiking, lounged around and had an AMAZING dinner. Literally one of the best meals I have ever had. It was the combination of the mountain setting, the great food (YouTube Guy's boyfriend went to culinary school), and of course, being surrounded by awesome friends. I felt a level of happiness that I hadn't felt in a long, long time.
The feeling of well-being lasted for a good week and a half. Yesterday and today I'm struggling a little bit against the blues again, but it's not too bad. I'm feeling more at peace with my professional situation. I've got a good, stable job and have an amazing hobby that I'm passionate about.
I met up with a couple cute, nice guys in the past week. One I've been out with twice so far. The first date was nice, we had dinner and walked around a shopping center. He texted me afterward expressing interest in hanging out again. This past Tuesday I took him to a local beach-side town for the second date. We ate at a really cool fish restaurant, then we walked around. I took him out to a ledge overlooking the crashing waves. It was really serene and beautiful . . . the setting was perfect so I decided to go for a kiss. First to test the waters a bit I put my arm around him, then when he leaned his head against my shoulder I went for it. We kissed for a while, and it was very nice. Afterward I went back to his place. I did not have the intention of going any farther than the making out for this date . . . but one thing led to another and we got frisky in the bedroom.
It was a great night, but I was worried we had moved too fast. I always do prefer letting feelings develop a bit before going that far, but at the same time it seems guys tend to expect things to happen within the first couple dates. I don't want to wind up in a "boat without a rudder" situation with someone else if I'm moving too slowly. Or as Steve had put it, a "weird friendship."
Then to complicate things more, I had a very emotional dream about my ex Ben the night after the date. It involved reconciliation and it stirred rather strong memories and feelings the next morning. That was yesterday, hence why my feeling of well-being has taken a bit of a hit the past few days.
I should recover soon, though. I attended a monthly LGBT social group dinner yesterday, and Jake the Australian was in attendance. Though I still don't see him that often we've grown pretty close, and he's a good source of support. He is taking a hiatus from dating. Seems we're both having a bit of a hard time with it.
My main problem: I'm having trouble developing feelings for guys. With Ben it happened so fast and naturally, but it seems so HARD now. Several guys I've had to disappoint because they were into me and I just didn't feel the same way. It's hard to decide whether it's just the luck of the draw, that I'm just not meeting good matches . . . or whether there's something still broken in me from my past experience. If it's the latter, I just don't know how to fix it. I still think about the past way too much. I still over-idealize HIM way too much. I still get anxious thinking about the prospect of winding up alone because I invested in an unhealthy person and it screwed me up emotionally. I still see all my heterosexual friends pairing up with great people and feel envious.
I try to be patient with myself though. Focus on self-improvement rather than finding someone. It really is the only way.
"It's hard to decide whether ... I'm just not meeting good matches . . . or whether there's something still broken in me from my past experience."
ReplyDeleteLiking someone, either as a friend or something more, doesn't take effort. It's natural. There are some people out there who are so likable, you can't *not* like them, even if you try - that's how charming and attractive they are to you.
A lot of that natural attraction, I think, is pheromones. When we really LIKE someone and can't explain it, our subconscious mind knows an attractive match when it sees one. This means that clicking with someone in a meaningful way is largely out of our control. We can hang out in places that "feel" right, and maybe we'll click with someone who has that same feeling, but other than that, the only real secret to successful dating is to meet a lot of people and be open to the unexpected.
That said, it's possible that the blindside from Ben was (and remains) so painful that you now have a subconscious fear of finding a successful relationship. After all, if things work out, you could be happy...but that would make you vulnerable to another blindside. On the other hand, if you're extremely cautious about who you like, the chances that you'll fall for someone (and thereby put yourself at risk) is far, far lower.
Fear can be a powerful but hidden factor in who and how we date.
Congrats on the new car!!! Blue is awesome!!! Mazdas are fun and sporty looking!!!
ReplyDeleteMazdas are supposed to be fun to drive, you sound happy with your choice. A hatchback offers more storage options.
ReplyDeleteIt's good you continue to meet new guys, you'll find someone with the right qualities you're looking for, don't settle for less.
Thanks for the comments as always fellas!
ReplyDeleteTwoLives: That's kind of what I'm holding out for. Someone for whom I feel the natural desire to see more and get to know more. I found one so quickly the first time, I guess I'm just wondering why it's taking so long this time around. Luck of the draw, I guess.
As for any lingering effects of the blindside, I continue to try to work through them.
Mike and Jerry: Thanks! Yeah I'm really happy so far. I always wanted a blue car. And having a hatchback means I can still take my bike around if I so desire.
Jerry: I definitely don't want to settle. But I also don't want to hold out for an unattainable perfection. Trying to find that balance.
Wow I haven't been on Blogger in a while. o_O But anyway, congrats on the new car and the get-together! :-D While you have problems developing feelings for guys (I do too, actually), I'm finding it difficult to MEET guys in the first place (heck, even getting a decent convo going, it's like people's brains stop working...).
ReplyDelete