Big changes coming, and puzzling over attraction patterns

It has finally happened. The first major career move since I came out five years ago. I applied for a new job, and I have been offered the position. It will require a move to LA. This will be the first time I've lived in a major city; up until now, I've been strictly in the suburbs. I'm excited, and a little nervous. It will be difficult to leave my current job as I really do love the people I work with, but a change is long overdue.

Last weekend was LA Pride. I went out to the bars with some friends. It really seems like guys get bolder during Pride. A guy started hitting on me and called me "rugged" (probably because I'm rocking facial hair right now). We kissed, and I told him I'd be back after I got a drink at the bar. I couldn't find him again. D'oh! He was cute too!

There was another interaction in the bar that wasn't quite so complimentary. A guy caught me standing next to my friends with my arms crossed. He came up to me and said, "Are you gay?" I answered affirmatively and he said, "You're super cute, but you need to fix the way you're standing." He repositioned my hands and had me straighten my back, then he went about his business. Later on he saw me in a more acceptable position and gave me a thumbs up. I wasn't even offended, I just thought it was funny.

I also spotted a guy I recognized from the dating apps. We hadn't talked in a while, but I had thought he was really cute. I decided (perhaps emboldened by a little liquid courage) to introduce myself. I followed up later on by sending him a message, and we've been chatting a bit ever since. I hope to meet up with him properly soon, especially since he lives in the area of LA that I plan to move to.

Otherwise on the dating front, I reactivated my paid Match account. I hadn't used it since my breakup with Ben. I've met two really nice guys on it. One was really into me. So naturally, I didn't feel the same way. I gave it five dates, but it was clear to me that I just wasn't excited about him. Still, because he was so nice and sweet I did feel bad for ending it. But, especially with my impending move, I just don't want to get seriously involved with someone, especially if I don't feel strongly about them.

I'm trying to figure out if there is a pattern in the guys I'm attracted to vs. not. I feel like it might have something to do with our dynamic. Even though I'm not the most aggressive or dominant guy, I do feel like I probably want to be the more dominant one in the relationship, or at least feel equal. After all, part of attraction is how someone makes you feel about yourself, and I don't tend to like feeling doted upon. If a guy never lets me pay for dinner, or is constantly tripping over himself to open doors for me, I don't like it. I'm not sure why. I'll have to continue to work on this.

Rest in pieces

The inevitable happened. My precious truck, the car I have driven ever since I was 16, is finally on its last legs. My family has been pressuring me to get a new car, but I was convinced I could get a decent number of miles from it still. Looking for a new car was not my top priority. After all, there's that whole matter of figuring out what to do with my life and who to share it with!

But entropy caught up with me, as it always does. My truck's engine started to make a rattling noise last week. I only let it go on a few days before I took it in to Midas to get it checked. Unfortunately . . . by then it was too late. Take note all who read this: if your car's engine makes a rattling sound stop as soon as you can and check the water levels! Turns out my water had been leaking. I guess the radiator cap gasket was worn out or something. In any case, this caused my engine to overheat. By the time I got it into Midas it had already started emitting a strange smell. Well sir, that's the smell of your engine melting!

The prognosis was bleak: I would have to get a rebuilt engine put into my truck, which would cost $5,000. That's more than the car's worth, which means it is time to go car shopping.

Since I was out of town all last weekend I wasn't able to get a new car, so this weekend is the target. Of course, that means this week I have been carless. My roommate happens to go to school right near where I work so I've been riding with her. Trouble is, she goes at 6 in the morning! So every day I've gone into work this week I've arrived at 6 AM. I've had to get rides home either from her or a coworker. I still haven't figured out how I'm getting to my improv shows tonight. But the prospect of getting a new car is somewhat exciting. Knowing myself I will get overwhelmed by the options so I am mostly just relying on the input from my car-aficionado friends and family members. I want something blue! :-D

Transportation was less of a problem yesterday. I didn't go into work yesterday at all; instead I took a sick day. I woke up in a hugely anxious state. I've been struggling a lot with anxiety lately. Not panic attacks (I have a friend who suffers those . . . I'm so fortunate not to experience them). Just chronic, existential type anxiety. Much like I have experienced the past 5 years, minus that brief interlude in 2012 when I was in my relationship and it wasn't quite as bad (I guess that's what that relationship was for . . . giving me a little breather).

I definitely have been stuck between figuring out "my passion" and pursuing it and just choosing something straight-forward and stable. I think the latter was my main attraction to med school, sadly. The fairly straight-forward career path sounded attractive to me, even if it didn't quite set my soul on fire. My problem is I keep going toward one thing, and then when I'm at the point where I'm able to apply (or even after sometimes) I lose interest for some reason.

One reason is that all of the things I've looked at require grad school. I admit it: I'm afraid of being in debt. Even the prospect of car payments has me worried, though I know I have the money for it and I'm planning to get something relatively inexpensive. But the idea of debt scares the beejesus out of me. I'm fortunate enough to not be in debt from my undergrad though.

Honestly, one thing that has long held my interest is clinical psychology. As anyone could tell from reading this blog I am a thinker, especially about the ways of human nature and the mind. I enjoy helping people, especially when I can make them feel better when they're feeling down. Whenever I can console Sam, "my breakup buddy," it makes me feel good. And if I could help people struggling with their life plans or their sexuality and help them avoid the lengthy, solitary process that I have gone through, that would be awesome. But the competitiveness of programs, the length, and the prospect of debt and difficulty finding jobs after school has kept me from going down that path. Hence I have focused more on careers with better pay and prospects, i.e., health care. But I've never had a passion for health care. Sure, I like working with people and helping people . . . but I'm just not sure if I can get sufficiently excited about that kind of helping. I don't know. I've been reading a lot of self help stuff lately and trying to get my head straight. Just been hard to sort through all the noise and built up baggage.

But I'm hopeful that I'll figure things out. At least I'm motivated to do so, even though I feel like I'm running in circles at times.

June Adventures

I'm still seeing the handsome guy . . . or at least I think I am? We've seen each other a total of four times. And I haven't seen him in the last two weeks. Now, that included my trip to the San Francisco area, but still . . . he used to check in at least once every other day or so via text now he doesn't so much. He is in the middle of a big move and has been working long hours so that might explain part of it. At the same time, if he was really that into me you'd think he would be making more of an effort.

So I've continued meeting up with other guys. I met up with this really cute Brazilian guy over the weekend. He is young, an exchange undergraduate student, but I had a good time with him. Then I met up with a guy from Grindr on Sunday. He seemed like a really nice guy, but I just didn't feel much attraction for him. He liked me though, so I had to respond to his "let's hang out again" text today with the never pleasant let-him-down-gently text.

My San Francisco trip was fun. I spent time with my two friends who live there (YouTube Guy, aka Steven, and his boyfriend Jack), saw a friend from college and his wife, and then on my last day I met up with a guy that I had chatted with on Grindr when he was visiting California several months ago. He was really cool and I had a great time with him (figures). We were amazingly similar in our interests and also had some parallels in our career paths. I definitely plan to stay in touch with him, and if life ever brings me to the bay I definitely know who I'm looking up!

Between my new SF friend and Texas guy, it certainly seems that the guys I click with best tend to be from elsewhere. Sigh. I'll keep chugging.

While in SF, Jack acted as my gay mentor as he often does. He took me clothes shopping to get some more form-fitting clothes of brighter colors than make up my usual palette. Nina and her boyfriend arrived while I was in the dressing room so all three of them plus the gap girl had their say. According to the gap girl, I need to do more squats.

One thing that Jack likes to dish out is dating advice, but I take a lot of it with a grain of salt. I have always used the "be yourself" approach, but he is a proponent of various dating rules such as keeping your emotions close to your chest early on, leave them wanting more, etc. I guess there's something to be said for that, but at the same time I feel like those who play games are more likely to attract other game players.

In other news, improv is going awesomely and is still the highlight of my week. I had multiple shows over the weekend and they all went very well. One particular game I played ended up being the troupe leader's favorite of the night, so he put it up on our troupe YouTube channel.

I am finally applying for a new job title at work, something that I should have done a long, long time ago. It was so hard to focus on that when I was so concerned with coming out, dating, having my first relationship, losing my relationship, struggling with depression, healing, etc. etc. But the time has come. As has the time to finally get serious about the next step. It's been hard to overcome the inertia I've built up, but it's going to have to be done.