Well, my intuition about Handsome Guy was correct. After trying a couple times to narrow down another time to meet up he texted me that he just didn't feel a connection. Now if I had been more invested this may have rubbed me the wrong way. Four dates (with bedroom play) into dating, I think, should be more on the phone conversation or in-person chat side of things. But, I didn't react too much. Probably since I had already taken his uncommunicative last couple of weeks as a sign of disinterest, so I wasn't blindsided. I texted him "It's cool man." He thanked me for taking it so well. I responded with, "It's never easy." We chatted back and forth a bit. I suggested he still wasn't quite over his recent break-up (he clearly wasn't), and he responded with a sad, "Yeah, that could be the problem too. Nobody will ever match." I hear you man.
I gave him the advice that I also constantly give myself. It's true that no one will ever match our ex exactly. But that doesn't mean we can't find someone else we can develop feelings for. It will be different, but that doesn't mean it can't be just as good if not better. In fact, if the person values us enough to put work into the relationship and not cut and run in search of greener grass, then that's definitely better!
It's a delicate balance trying to maintain hope of finding someone while also trying to get into the mindset of not needing someone. It seems there are two ways to go. Either the "some day my prince will come" type of thinking, or the "my prince may never come, but I'll still be okay either way." The second way of thinking seems more depressing, but at the same time seems to be the healthier option.
I do think a lot about some of the quality guys that I have let go because the feelings just weren't there for me. Wes and especially Steve being the most recent instances. Steve really would make a good, caring and fun boyfriend. But I just couldn't get excited about him. My greatest fear is holding out for another feeling like Ben gave me and passing great matches by and winding up alone because of it.
How do I know my attraction for my ex was healthy? How do I know the very characteristics that caused him to wall me out and cut me off weren't what drew me to him in the first place?
It seems like the one sure-fire way to get over an ex is the passage of time. You're already far less hung up on Ben than you were a year ago. A year from now you'll think about him even less.
ReplyDeleteOnce the space in your heart that was occupied by Ben is freed up, there will be room for someone else. When you meet the right guy, things will click naturally and the relationship will work because you're both ready.
Being patient until that happens is the hard part. I suppose that's when we're supposed to learn to love ourselves and be comfortable being alone.
Anyway...keep soldiering on (as if you have a choice). Every day is a new day and you never know when you'll meet someone new. Keep putting yourself out there, especially in real life and not just on-line.
In a way, I'm envious that you had a relationship like you and Ben. I can't say I've been so fortunate, so I'm more in the latter camp.
ReplyDelete@TwoLives: Thanks for your advice man. Much appreciated.
ReplyDelete@Aek: Thanks for that. I know that I should just be grateful for the experience, even if it didn't last. Heck, before him I wasn't even sure I would ever have a relationship at all.
So I'm basically you pre-Ben. :-P Tbh, all the people I'd LOVE to be in relationships with don't even live in the same state. >.<
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