One thing I learned from the internet this weekend . . .
Tylenol (acetaminophen) has been found to help relieve symptoms of existential angst. Seriously, Google it. Here's one link to get you started.
Monday, February 29, 2016
Saturday, February 27, 2016
My poor brain
First off, if you want to check out the story I submitted, it's at this link. The theme of the website is male mind control. Many of the stories go in ways that don't really appeal to me, things like humiliation, guys becoming sex slaves, guys turning into certain body types that don't do it for me (bears, twinks, etc.), but on occasion there is a story that really seems to click with what turns me on, which is what keeps me coming back. Typically I like stories that are a little bit more romantic, with the mind control simply changing the characters sexual preferences rather than taking away their free will. My story centers on muscle growth. Not to say that I find bodybuilder types the most sexually appealing (there's such a thing as too much of a good thing). But the transformative aspects (both body and mind) are a turn on for me.
Now an update on my life. Forewarning, this is going to be a rambling, venting entry. I've recommitted to using this blog as a means to help me. I need a place where I can vent and sort through my thoughts, and I need to check ego at the door and not feel guilty about feeling what I'm feeling.
My next appointment with my therapist is on Thursday. I'm going to ask for a referral to a new psychiatrist. My anxiety/depression has become very problematic. I am at the point where I am waking up in a state of anxiety, which makes it very hard to get up in the morning. The last time it was this bad was when I was 25/26, in the midst of my first career crisis after having second thoughts about doing a PhD. I don't count my post-breakup depression, because that was a different type of animal.
Other health concerns are complicating things. For more than a year now I have been dealing with various foot problems. It started with pain in one of the sesamoid bones (located at the big toe joint) in my right foot at the end of 2014. I started seeing a podiatrist, who tried putting me in a walking boot for several months. While I wore it a lot during that time (Feb-Apr 2015), I wonder whether I should have been even more strict. I didn't discontinue improv during that time. Instead I performed with the boot on. And I would take the boot off for very short distances (walking around the house, walking from the car to a restaurant, etc). At the end of that period I switched to wearing athletic shoes and walking carefully. This actually seemed to help my problem quite a bit, so I began to be hopeful that the worst was over.
I was wrong. My foot really became aggravated when I traveled in Italy during the summer. Since I didn't start off the trip with very much pain, I thought I would be okay. I brought plenty of kinesio tape to wrap my foot with for extra support. But by the end of the trip, I was in agony. I think I was compensating for the sesamoid pain the whole time. That altered walk was very hard on the ball of my foot, and when I got home I was experiencing a lot of metatarsal pain. I went back to the podiatrist and went back in the boot for a time, but it didn't seem to help. The podiatrist signed me up for physical therapy. Meanwhile, I tried wearing metatarsal pads in my shoes. This seemed to create other problems, as I would feel weird pain radiating up my leg. As soon as I discontinued use of the pads, oddly enough, the pain seemed to improve dramatically. Soon it felt like I was mostly back to just having sesamoid pain.
That lasted until January, when the metatarsal area started hurting again. I started using the boot off and on again for relief, including on the trips I took for work and my cousin's wedding. A new orthopedic surgeon I saw in December finally got back to me last week to confirm that I did not seem to have a sesamoid fracture. I went back to ask him about the metatarsal pain, but he very condescendingly told me I just needed to go back in the boot and wear it very strictly for several weeks, then gradually wean off of it. My pain is probably the worst and most constant it has been now, but the ortho doc waved away my working theory that I have a metatarsal stress fracture from the compensation I was doing.
So where I stand now -- I'm wearing the boot at all times again. My left foot has started to bother me too because it's having to bear the brunt of the work.
tl;dr: My feet are screwed up, have been for a long time, and they are not making my anxiety/depression and motivational problems any easier to overcome.
I'm trying to do the best I can. I am limiting walking however I can, and I am on an indefinite hiatus from performing in improv shows. Since improv and my troupe friends are such an important part of my life, I am still attending practice and doing music duty several shows a month. I'm also keeping my monthly show going, but more as a creative director instead of a lead performer.
In addition to trying to heal my foot injuries, I'm also taking it easy because of a minor back injury I sustained in a car accident last week. I was in the passenger seat of my car coming back from a three-day weekend trip (my friend was relieving me for a while as I had driven the first half) when a big pick up truck came out of nowhere and hit us in the back passenger-side. The truck ended up rolling onto its side on the shoulder. We were very fortunate, to say the least (and the other driver was okay too). Just one more thing to deal with right now. My car has been in the shop for the last two weeks.
So basically the main stresses of my life right now are my chronic foot problems, my car in the shop, my back pain, work stress, and figuring out my next career step. It gets me overwhelmed, and some days I just don't feel motivated to do anything except distract myself. At least I'm not so down about my dating life currently, but that's mostly because I've pretty much accepted that I'm likely not going to have a relationship in the foreseeable future and that the career things need to be figured out first.
I know there's a lot to be grateful for in my life. I know it's a bad idea to compare myself to others. I know a lot of my problems exist only in my head. But it's so hard to figure out what to do to make things better! Arbitrarily pick a career direction and do it just because? That's pretty much what it's coming down to. Not a very inspirational reason to go in a career direction ("I was suffering from anxiety and depression, and I knew the only way out was to move forward, but since I couldn't find a path that really spoke to me I just tossed a coin, and that's how I got here!").
I try to remind myself that the sexuality crisis I went through has a lot of similarities to the career crisis. When I was choosing between dating guys and dating girls, there were valid reasons for each. I had low hopes of ever having an actual relationship, let alone finding someone I could actually fall in love with. And yet, a mere few months after I made my decision to date guys, I had wound up in my very first relationship and had fallen in love. The passion I had for that relationship was not preexisting. It's not like I had a hint of passion for Ben when I decided to try dating guys . . . I hadn't even met him yet! So sometimes (always?) passion follows action, it doesn't precede it.
The lesson I am trying to teach myself (I saw it on a website recently): Clarity comes from action, not thought. My brain has been a helpful tool during a large part of my life. It allowed me to excel in school, in classes that many others struggled with. It has allowed me to do well in improv and turn it into a wonderful, enriching pastime (which I also discovered and grew a passion for, rather than already having one). But now it's time to cut down on the brain power, because it's hurting me. A lot.
Now an update on my life. Forewarning, this is going to be a rambling, venting entry. I've recommitted to using this blog as a means to help me. I need a place where I can vent and sort through my thoughts, and I need to check ego at the door and not feel guilty about feeling what I'm feeling.
My next appointment with my therapist is on Thursday. I'm going to ask for a referral to a new psychiatrist. My anxiety/depression has become very problematic. I am at the point where I am waking up in a state of anxiety, which makes it very hard to get up in the morning. The last time it was this bad was when I was 25/26, in the midst of my first career crisis after having second thoughts about doing a PhD. I don't count my post-breakup depression, because that was a different type of animal.
Other health concerns are complicating things. For more than a year now I have been dealing with various foot problems. It started with pain in one of the sesamoid bones (located at the big toe joint) in my right foot at the end of 2014. I started seeing a podiatrist, who tried putting me in a walking boot for several months. While I wore it a lot during that time (Feb-Apr 2015), I wonder whether I should have been even more strict. I didn't discontinue improv during that time. Instead I performed with the boot on. And I would take the boot off for very short distances (walking around the house, walking from the car to a restaurant, etc). At the end of that period I switched to wearing athletic shoes and walking carefully. This actually seemed to help my problem quite a bit, so I began to be hopeful that the worst was over.
I was wrong. My foot really became aggravated when I traveled in Italy during the summer. Since I didn't start off the trip with very much pain, I thought I would be okay. I brought plenty of kinesio tape to wrap my foot with for extra support. But by the end of the trip, I was in agony. I think I was compensating for the sesamoid pain the whole time. That altered walk was very hard on the ball of my foot, and when I got home I was experiencing a lot of metatarsal pain. I went back to the podiatrist and went back in the boot for a time, but it didn't seem to help. The podiatrist signed me up for physical therapy. Meanwhile, I tried wearing metatarsal pads in my shoes. This seemed to create other problems, as I would feel weird pain radiating up my leg. As soon as I discontinued use of the pads, oddly enough, the pain seemed to improve dramatically. Soon it felt like I was mostly back to just having sesamoid pain.
That lasted until January, when the metatarsal area started hurting again. I started using the boot off and on again for relief, including on the trips I took for work and my cousin's wedding. A new orthopedic surgeon I saw in December finally got back to me last week to confirm that I did not seem to have a sesamoid fracture. I went back to ask him about the metatarsal pain, but he very condescendingly told me I just needed to go back in the boot and wear it very strictly for several weeks, then gradually wean off of it. My pain is probably the worst and most constant it has been now, but the ortho doc waved away my working theory that I have a metatarsal stress fracture from the compensation I was doing.
So where I stand now -- I'm wearing the boot at all times again. My left foot has started to bother me too because it's having to bear the brunt of the work.
tl;dr: My feet are screwed up, have been for a long time, and they are not making my anxiety/depression and motivational problems any easier to overcome.
I'm trying to do the best I can. I am limiting walking however I can, and I am on an indefinite hiatus from performing in improv shows. Since improv and my troupe friends are such an important part of my life, I am still attending practice and doing music duty several shows a month. I'm also keeping my monthly show going, but more as a creative director instead of a lead performer.
In addition to trying to heal my foot injuries, I'm also taking it easy because of a minor back injury I sustained in a car accident last week. I was in the passenger seat of my car coming back from a three-day weekend trip (my friend was relieving me for a while as I had driven the first half) when a big pick up truck came out of nowhere and hit us in the back passenger-side. The truck ended up rolling onto its side on the shoulder. We were very fortunate, to say the least (and the other driver was okay too). Just one more thing to deal with right now. My car has been in the shop for the last two weeks.
So basically the main stresses of my life right now are my chronic foot problems, my car in the shop, my back pain, work stress, and figuring out my next career step. It gets me overwhelmed, and some days I just don't feel motivated to do anything except distract myself. At least I'm not so down about my dating life currently, but that's mostly because I've pretty much accepted that I'm likely not going to have a relationship in the foreseeable future and that the career things need to be figured out first.
I know there's a lot to be grateful for in my life. I know it's a bad idea to compare myself to others. I know a lot of my problems exist only in my head. But it's so hard to figure out what to do to make things better! Arbitrarily pick a career direction and do it just because? That's pretty much what it's coming down to. Not a very inspirational reason to go in a career direction ("I was suffering from anxiety and depression, and I knew the only way out was to move forward, but since I couldn't find a path that really spoke to me I just tossed a coin, and that's how I got here!").
I try to remind myself that the sexuality crisis I went through has a lot of similarities to the career crisis. When I was choosing between dating guys and dating girls, there were valid reasons for each. I had low hopes of ever having an actual relationship, let alone finding someone I could actually fall in love with. And yet, a mere few months after I made my decision to date guys, I had wound up in my very first relationship and had fallen in love. The passion I had for that relationship was not preexisting. It's not like I had a hint of passion for Ben when I decided to try dating guys . . . I hadn't even met him yet! So sometimes (always?) passion follows action, it doesn't precede it.
The lesson I am trying to teach myself (I saw it on a website recently): Clarity comes from action, not thought. My brain has been a helpful tool during a large part of my life. It allowed me to excel in school, in classes that many others struggled with. It has allowed me to do well in improv and turn it into a wonderful, enriching pastime (which I also discovered and grew a passion for, rather than already having one). But now it's time to cut down on the brain power, because it's hurting me. A lot.
Sunday, February 21, 2016
A creative first
In more positive news, I have submitted an original fiction story to a website for the very first time ever! It's to an gay erotic stories website, haha. That may seem kind of out of left field for me, right? Well, this website caters to people who have my particular fetish interests (see this entry). The major theme of the website is male mind control, but a lot of the stories tend to have muscle growth elements as well. In keeping with my nature, the story does not actually involve any explicit sex scenes. I know some readers of that site will probably be disappointed by that, so I made a disclaimer right at the top. Sure, I could have forced one, but I don't want to let my creative vision be altered by giving the people what they want. And there certainly is the implication of a behind-the-scenes sex scene . . .
In any case, if there is interest, once the story is reviewed, approved and posted to the site I can post the link here.
In any case, if there is interest, once the story is reviewed, approved and posted to the site I can post the link here.
Show Me The Way
When I first started blogging years ago, it was to help me sort out issues that I was dealing with in regards to my sexuality. It took quite a while, but blogging definitely had a positive impact in helping me break the mental cycle that I was trapped in. In addition to giving me an outlet to vent my feelings and seek advice from others, it also gave me contacts that eventually helped me make progress. I give a lot of credit to fellow blogger El Genio, who happened to live near me and offered to meet up in person. With him I visited my first LA gay bar. More importantly, through hearing about his experiences with coming out and online dating, I was able to give myself the push I needed to sign up for dating sites. Once I did that, it was only a couple of months before I met Ben and had my first (and to this date, only) romantic relationship. It has definitely not been easy since then. The heartbreak from Ben's departure took a long time to heal (and the scars are still there . . . I still miss him a lot from time to time, even though he was only in my life for less than 1 year). Occasionally I will fall back into the doubts about my sexuality. Dating can be frustrating. Guys often turn out to be flakes or fakes or both. But, I've had some memorable experiences (not just with Ben but also with several other guys). I've made some amazing friends. And my confidence in that arena of my life has increased a lot. Why, on a recent trip to a foreign city I even had a mini-romance with a sweet guy. It was actually kind of nice having a short, days-long relationship with someone, with no expectations for it being long-term. Sort of liberating, in a way. Don't worry, this isn't the start of a new, more promiscuous Cal. Anyways, bottom line is, I have come far in overcoming my hang-ups and issues about my romantic life, even though things aren't where I would like them to be right now. And blogging definitely helped me along the path.
I say this because I'm at crisis level again. This has to do with the other part of my life that I have struggled with: career. There are a lot of parallels. For the last several years I have mostly avoided discussing my career problems on this blog. This has been for a number of reasons: one, I'm ashamed of them. I realize now that I have to get over this. After all, what's an anonymous (well mostly anonymous . . . there are a couple of readers who know me in person) blog if I can't use it the way I need it? Second, I felt like it would be better if the blog followed the theme of dating and relationships. It would be more focused that way. But really, the overarching theme is me finding myself. I am "Looking" after all (and know, not in the sexual sense).
As I've mentioned before, I took the title of this blog from a Soundgarden song called "Outshined." The full line is, "I'm looking California, but feeling Minnesota." No offense to any Minnesotans out there! Basically, when Chris Cornell says this he's implying that though he has a sunny disposition on the outside, on the inside it's nothing but overcast and dreary. Well, I write this post now because the Minnesota is starting to expose itself to the surface, and I'm sick of feeling this way. It has been years that I've been dealing with these same issues. Focusing on my sexuality for a few years and then my creative interests (improv comedy) for a few years were nice (and arguably worthy) distractions, but now it is high time I worked on this other part of myself.
My major issue is anxiety. It is now manifesting a bit of depression, but at the core anxiety is my main problem and always has been. Really, it was at the core of my sexuality confusion as well. If I had not been so anxious about dating the "wrong" sex, I might have started dating much earlier than 27.
Similarly, with career my major issue has long been fear of choosing the "wrong" path. This seems hugely more significant to me (or at least, to my mind), since one's career occupies the majority of one's time on this planet AND is responsible for providing one the means to have a life. It determines where you live, many of those you associate with, how much you can own, what you can do, where you can go. As much as people say that relationships are the real source of happiness in life, you can't get away from the importance of career. One problem is I have fixated on relationships and my career has suffered. Now I'm in a state where I feel the discontent I have with my professional self is adversely affecting my relationships. I'm leaning a bit top heavily on my family and friends for emotional support. And I find myself being a lot less motivated to date when I feel so down (and feeling like that doesn't make me the most attractive dating partner anyway).
Not to say that my job is bad. I work with some really great people. What I do is in the medical realm, so its mission involves helping people. It allows me to travel periodically, sometimes to really cool cities. It also allows enough flexibility that I can spend extra time in those cities when I do go there. That flexibility also allows me to go to appointments when I need to during the day with minimal drama. And the work hours are light enough (most of the time) that I am able to keep active in improv comedy, which has been my major avocation for the last several years, as well as date and spend time with friends.
But. As much as I know how important it is to be grateful for what you have, there is a lot that is wrong. There is very little room for advancement in my job. One career path that many who do what I do often move to involves the loss of much of what I like about my job. While it pays better it also involves constant travel, longer hours, and very solitary, detail-oriented work.
Over the years I have tried to push myself one way after another. I was accepted to a PhD program but then freaked out as I realized all the negative aspects of an academic career. I researched a number of different health care practitioner careers but none of them spoke to me. I applied to med school despite great reservations about that life, and did not reapply when I failed to get in. I have considered high school teaching and mental health counseling, both of which I could see myself caring about a bit more than other things, but I've had worries about the stress levels, job market, and finances. I've thought about seeing where my love of creativity could take me, but come up short with ideas about how I could go about that.
So far this year I've waffled back and forth between trying to force myself into something and trying to get a handle on my anxiety/depression first. Frankly, the way my work performance has suffered recently I know that my number one priority is to improve at my current job. It's nice to have that as a goal, since there's no question in my mind that it's a worthy goal. Unfortunately, I can't for the life of me figure out what bigger-picture worthy goal to focus on. In this way it's not like my sexuality dilemma was. That was a 50/50 choice and one clearly (once I was honest with myself) had more natural appeal. When it comes to career, there's an infinite number of possibilities. I feel completely stuck and overwhelmed.
So, I'm going to try blogging more as I sort through this. It's tough to show this side of myself, even anonymously, but it's adversely affecting my life and hey, blogging has helped me before.
If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. Have you struggled with anxiety and depression? Have you struggled with career indecision, or indecision in other areas of your life? Have you found things that have helped you? What factors have you used to make tough decisions in your life, and how did things turn out? I know this blog doesn't have many followers, but if you happen to read this feel free to weigh in.
Cal
I say this because I'm at crisis level again. This has to do with the other part of my life that I have struggled with: career. There are a lot of parallels. For the last several years I have mostly avoided discussing my career problems on this blog. This has been for a number of reasons: one, I'm ashamed of them. I realize now that I have to get over this. After all, what's an anonymous (well mostly anonymous . . . there are a couple of readers who know me in person) blog if I can't use it the way I need it? Second, I felt like it would be better if the blog followed the theme of dating and relationships. It would be more focused that way. But really, the overarching theme is me finding myself. I am "Looking" after all (and know, not in the sexual sense).
As I've mentioned before, I took the title of this blog from a Soundgarden song called "Outshined." The full line is, "I'm looking California, but feeling Minnesota." No offense to any Minnesotans out there! Basically, when Chris Cornell says this he's implying that though he has a sunny disposition on the outside, on the inside it's nothing but overcast and dreary. Well, I write this post now because the Minnesota is starting to expose itself to the surface, and I'm sick of feeling this way. It has been years that I've been dealing with these same issues. Focusing on my sexuality for a few years and then my creative interests (improv comedy) for a few years were nice (and arguably worthy) distractions, but now it is high time I worked on this other part of myself.
My major issue is anxiety. It is now manifesting a bit of depression, but at the core anxiety is my main problem and always has been. Really, it was at the core of my sexuality confusion as well. If I had not been so anxious about dating the "wrong" sex, I might have started dating much earlier than 27.
Similarly, with career my major issue has long been fear of choosing the "wrong" path. This seems hugely more significant to me (or at least, to my mind), since one's career occupies the majority of one's time on this planet AND is responsible for providing one the means to have a life. It determines where you live, many of those you associate with, how much you can own, what you can do, where you can go. As much as people say that relationships are the real source of happiness in life, you can't get away from the importance of career. One problem is I have fixated on relationships and my career has suffered. Now I'm in a state where I feel the discontent I have with my professional self is adversely affecting my relationships. I'm leaning a bit top heavily on my family and friends for emotional support. And I find myself being a lot less motivated to date when I feel so down (and feeling like that doesn't make me the most attractive dating partner anyway).
Not to say that my job is bad. I work with some really great people. What I do is in the medical realm, so its mission involves helping people. It allows me to travel periodically, sometimes to really cool cities. It also allows enough flexibility that I can spend extra time in those cities when I do go there. That flexibility also allows me to go to appointments when I need to during the day with minimal drama. And the work hours are light enough (most of the time) that I am able to keep active in improv comedy, which has been my major avocation for the last several years, as well as date and spend time with friends.
But. As much as I know how important it is to be grateful for what you have, there is a lot that is wrong. There is very little room for advancement in my job. One career path that many who do what I do often move to involves the loss of much of what I like about my job. While it pays better it also involves constant travel, longer hours, and very solitary, detail-oriented work.
Over the years I have tried to push myself one way after another. I was accepted to a PhD program but then freaked out as I realized all the negative aspects of an academic career. I researched a number of different health care practitioner careers but none of them spoke to me. I applied to med school despite great reservations about that life, and did not reapply when I failed to get in. I have considered high school teaching and mental health counseling, both of which I could see myself caring about a bit more than other things, but I've had worries about the stress levels, job market, and finances. I've thought about seeing where my love of creativity could take me, but come up short with ideas about how I could go about that.
So far this year I've waffled back and forth between trying to force myself into something and trying to get a handle on my anxiety/depression first. Frankly, the way my work performance has suffered recently I know that my number one priority is to improve at my current job. It's nice to have that as a goal, since there's no question in my mind that it's a worthy goal. Unfortunately, I can't for the life of me figure out what bigger-picture worthy goal to focus on. In this way it's not like my sexuality dilemma was. That was a 50/50 choice and one clearly (once I was honest with myself) had more natural appeal. When it comes to career, there's an infinite number of possibilities. I feel completely stuck and overwhelmed.
So, I'm going to try blogging more as I sort through this. It's tough to show this side of myself, even anonymously, but it's adversely affecting my life and hey, blogging has helped me before.
If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. Have you struggled with anxiety and depression? Have you struggled with career indecision, or indecision in other areas of your life? Have you found things that have helped you? What factors have you used to make tough decisions in your life, and how did things turn out? I know this blog doesn't have many followers, but if you happen to read this feel free to weigh in.
Cal
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)