I haven't been all that inspired lately to update about recent goings-on. Just kind of more of the same. I went out with Tinder Guy and had a very nice lunch a few weekends ago. We walked down to the ocean and talked for a while. And he suggested he'd like to see me perform some time. But then through subsequent texting he mentioned how he thought he might be too busy to hang out again for at least several weeks (he lives more than an hour away). Our texting has dropped off, and I figure if someone says something like that it suggests they're not really that interested in seeing you more. Because if you really made any kind of impression wouldn't they want to make time? I don't know, what do you think? He seemed really interested when we met up in WeHo and I thought our lunch date was nice, but maybe I just failed to ignite a spark again.
As for Beach Guy, we've hung out four times so far. I am completely the driver of it though. Whenever I propose to hang out he has zero ideas about what to do and I have to plan everything. We've kissed and fooled around, but he doesn't initiate communication very much. In person I enjoy his company, but he sort of comes across as low energy. So, I don't really think it's going anywhere.
My mind is always going. It's a blessing and a curse. I think if anything my blogging has exemplified the "curse" aspects. Let's just say I understand the sentiment of that song that's on the radio now, "Habits" by Tove Lo. Though I'm not a pot smoker myself and have never even tried it, the lyrics of the song sort of strike a chord with me. "I got to stay high all the time just to keep you off my mind." I totally understand why people turn to substances to distract themselves. Thoughts of the ex, Ben, seem to always float in my consciousness. Sure, other things cover it up but when there's nothing else those thoughts are able to rise. That's one thing that improv has given me, a way to keep my mind occupied, to challenge myself and fight the thoughts and the missing him. Being past the year and a half point, it's harder and harder to justify why I feel this way still, for someone that I only dated for 2/3 of a year and haven't seen since. I swear, there's people who lose 10 year relationships that probably get over it quicker than I have. Why can't I MAKE myself believe that it will get better, that I'll find someone new, someone better, someone healthier? One thing I've never been good at is deluding myself. Honesty is my number one policy, and that includes honesty with myself. It seems I can't just STOP missing him. I have to accept that yes, I do miss him and that's okay. I have to accept that yes, in many ways that relationship was exceptional, especially for me. Trying to deny it, trying to tell myself Nah, he wasn't THAT great just doesn't work. Because I remember how happy I was, how much fun I had, and how optimistic I was becoming. I don't want to make myself believe that all of that was a delusion, that it was just due to naivety.
I admit, I get self-conscious when I bring up the ex in my blog. I imagine that there are readers out there who roll their eyes at mention of him. Get over him already! But once again, honesty is my policy. And if one, two, five or ten years after the break up I'm still thinking about him, then what else can I do besides mention it in my writing? I can't be fully true to myself by leaving it out.
"I get self-conscious when I bring up the ex in my blog. I imagine that there are readers out there who roll their eyes at mention of him."
ReplyDeleteIt's *your* blog. Write about whatever you like. Readers will continue to read because they like YOU.
"if you really made any kind of impression wouldn't they want to make time?"
I totally believes this. For me, actions matter far more than words.
Attractions are very motivating. When you're attracted to someone, they're always on your mind and you want to see them as often as possible. Whereas when you only casually like someone, it's easy to get distracted by other people and events in life. That said, I've encountered people who swear they genuinely like someone but they can't focus on them at the time, for one reason or another. I therefore wouldn't write Tinder Guy off yet, but clearly, the ball is in his court. Ping him in a few weeks if you haven't heard from him and give him one more try.
"maybe I just failed to ignite a spark again."
This statement is pretty revealing. Putting "I" and "failure" together in any sentence is a powerful thing and it suggests that, deep down, you're struggling with low self-esteem. (Perhaps worsened because of what happened with Ben.)
Not meeting the right partner *does* feel personal...but, if you think about it, it's not: true, enduring attractions are powerful and natural. You can't force them to happen. All you can do is keep putting yourself out there, do your best to stay positive, and let nature takes its course. Don't be overly selective about who you meet. If you're skeptical about someone but still unsure, meet them. You never know when a spark will ignite. Success is NOT a reflection of you as a person, it's a mysterious product of clicking with someone intuitively. I like to blame pheromones. Even if that's wrong, it's so much less painful than beating yourself up.
Sounds so much like me trying to read into everything.
ReplyDeleteyou'll get over Ben when you are ready. I can see probably the easiest way is to find a replacement for him, but that's been your challenge. Keep looking.
ReplyDelete