Big reveal

I've been blogging for years, and one of the primary topics of this blog and my other one has been my journey toward figuring out my sexuality. However, there is a missing piece of the puzzle, and I don't think I have ever discussed it before. Why? I admit it. Because it's unusual. As hard as it was to come to terms with being attracted to men, it was at least something that was widespread in society. Unusual fetishes on the other hand . . . well thankfully because of the internet I know I am not alone in that respect either.

There is an unusual fetish that nonetheless has a presence on certain internet communities. It is known as a transformation fetish.

Transformation fetishists are aroused by depictions or descriptions of transformation. Who is doing the transforming and what they are transforming into varies. Some people get off on transgender transformations, or depictions/descriptions of men turning into women and vice versa. Others like age progression/regression. Others like transformations into animals, statues, objects . . . what have you.

For me, over the years I have managed to break down the elements of a transformation that I find erotic. At this point it is clear to me what kind of transformation does it for me and what kind doesn't. Male to female, for example, doesn't. Human to small animal or statue? Nope.

A transformation needs the following elements to get me hot and bothered:

1. It needs to be involuntary, brought on by something outside the character. This might be why the "Animorphs" book series never really did anything for me in that way. The characters could turn into animals at will. Well, that and also the next item . . .

2. It needs to involve an enhancement of masculine characteristics. Physically that usually means increased musculature. If this comes with stereotypical masculine personality changes (aggression, confidence, sexual drive), all the better. So a cartoon with a man being changed into a frog probably won't interest me. But an episode of the Aladdin cartoon show where Aladdin is transformed into a vicious shark? Ding.

3. The scenario is further enhanced if there is an element of mind control. So stories that mix transformation with hypnosis are extra interesting.

4. While POOF type instantaneous transformations are okay, it's much better if the transformation is slow and detailed. Taylor Lautner in Twilight? Meh. David Naughton in An American Werewolf in London. Woof.

This fetish has long been a source of shame for me. Having been a very conservative, withdrawn, goody-two shoes growing up, that doesn't come as much of a surprise.

My earliest transformation-related memories are dreams that I had when I was very young. Dreams of being forcibly changed into various creatures might be horrific for some kids, but I liked them. I also remember various cartoons with transformations in them, such as the aforementioned Aladdin cartoon, Conan the Adventurer, and many others.

When I was a teenager I had a fascination with werewolves. This makes sense, as werewolves meet all of the above criteria. In fact, the transformation scene in An American Werewolf in London is one of my first memories of getting aroused by external stimuli.

That was what turned me on in my teenage years. As it was something I was ashamed of, I naturally suppressed it. I remember one time I printed out an image of myself as a merman . . . that did not go over well with my parents.

Despite my embarrassment I would still entertain my interest now and then. I would seek out transformation related media wherever I could, particularly anything werewolf related. I discovered the Transformation Story Archive online, which paved the way to me discovering that there was actually an online community of transformation fetishists. The revelation that there were actually others with the same or a similar fetish was huge. It made me feel much less like a freak, though I was still not to the point where I was comfortable sharing my fetish with anyone.

I think part of the reason was because I was uncomfortable with some of the overlap of my fetish with other unusual fetishes. Because some of the scenarios that aroused me involved animal transformations, I was afraid that I was on a slippery slope toward bestiality. I also discovered the furry community online, since there is some overlap between them and the transformation fetish community. I was not into that at all. and (apologies to any furries), the idea pretty much repulsed me.

Then, as I began to acknowledge feelings I had for certain guys in college, I began to look at my fetish in a new light. Perhaps, in a way, I was using my fetish to mask my latent homosexuality? That's when I realized the importance of masculine characteristics in the stories that I found most arousing.

The first big step toward self-acceptance was opening up about my fetish in therapy. The next big step was telling the first non-therapist, who was my ex-boyfriend Ben. When I told him, he treated it as a non-issue, and even good-naturedly observed "Oh, so that's why you're a fan of that Teen Wolf show." His effortless acceptance was greatly validating.

After he dumped me and jettisoned me from his life it took a while to feel safe enough to tell another person, but eventually I opened up to a few of my closest friends and a couple of my cousins. Recently I had a rather in-depth discussion about it with my friend Jack (YouTube guy's boyfriend), and even shared with him some of the stories from one of my favorite websites.

In recent years, as I have accepted my attraction to men, my interest in werewolves has waned. Instead, I tend to read transformation stories with much more explicit gay overtones. The stories usually involve muscle growth and sometimes even straight-to-gay transformations. Even within such stories, however, I run into elements that don't do it for me, which reminds me that everyone has their own idiosyncratic kinks.

Since this fetish was pretty much the only thing that would get me aroused during my formative years, I naturally had a difficult time figuring out whether to date men or women. Even when I finally allowed for the possibility of being gay, I still had a hard time feeling truly "turned on" by guys. I don't fetishize genitalia like some people seem to do. Porn has never done much for me. I guess my goal recently has been to try to find where my fetish has the most overlap with reality (since the possibility of dating a werewolf or The Hulk is slim). Ideally I'd like to be able to tap into what turns me on the most so that I can properly perform with a sexual partner. I know some people use role play. Maybe I will try that someday.  

Anyways, I thought it was important to finally address this subject, since it is an element of what makes me who I am and has also complicated my sex/dating life. Has anyone heard of the transformation fetish before (or have it themselves?) What unusual kinks do you have?