Colin, backseat shenanigans, and more

Hello blog world, it's been a while.

To be honest, I'm writing this entry because of Brent's comment a few weeks ago that I just read recently. That got the "Oh, people are still reading this!" wheels turning. So, kudos Brent!

So, where is ol' Cal at right now?

Career-wise, I'm in a better mental space then I was a few months ago, particularly in February. I'm still in the same job and everything and still exploring what's next, but I'm not feeling all doom and gloom about it. Basically, I'm being kinder to myself. Right now I'm reading Peter Buffett's Life is What You Make It, which is really resonating with me. The never-ending pull of the various forces in my headspace continues, but at least that book is helping me quiet down some of the "shoulds."

Dating-wise, things have also quieted down. Things didn't "end" with Colin so much as they just kind of fizzled. We casually dated for quite a while, but it was an awkward time. I was on crutches in an attempt to resolve my recurrent foot issues, so I wasn't making it up to his neck of the woods very much. He came down to me a couple times, but life got busy and weeks would pass without us seeing each other. Gradually the frequency of texting diminished. On top of that, I was clearly conflicted, which became very apparent to me when I purposefully didn't invite him to an outing with a bunch of my friends because Thomas was already going (he'd won tickets to the same event so we had made plans to go together before things had gotten a little more serious with Colin). I was uncomfortable with having both Thomas and Colin there so I didn't ask Colin to go. Still not sure what the proper action was there.

The last time I saw Colin was a few weekends ago. We had lunch, and I brought up the subject of "us" so we could be on the same page. He surprised me a bit, as I thought he had totally lost interest. Instead, he said that he did like me a lot, but he was dealing with a lot of "baggage" (he recently broke up with his long-term, live-in boyfriend . . . it happened just a couple months before we met). He said he understood if I wanted to move on and look for someone a bit more emotionally prepared for a relationship. I sympathized with him greatly, remembering how hard my own break-up was (I still think about my ex all the damn time, I just don't beat myself up about it as much anymore). I told him I'd like to still hang out with him, and we left it at that. I'll probably visit him next time I'm in the area, but I feel like dating-wise we're kind of done.

I met up with a young guy off of Grindr lately. I don't know why I do that. I know what most Grindr guys are looking for, and I know it's not what I'm looking for. This was just the latest example of that. We had a nice first date that ended a bit awkwardly. Red Flag # 1 he had a big aversion to kissing after he walked me to my car. I understand not everyone is comfortable with public displays of affection, but modest displays when few people are around? We went out for drinks a few nights later. Red Flag # 2 he really pushed for coming right over to my place. I told him my roommate was up and about and I'd rather meet for drinks. After drinks he said how he wished he could make out with me, but was uncomfortable doing it in the parking lot. I suggested we go in my car. He agreed, but then asked if I could drive around and find a private place (Red Flag # 3). I naively did so, and we ended up in a deserted parking lot, with nary a soul around. He suggested we go to the back seat. Having not done very much backseat macking, I acquiesced, for the experience. We kissed, and he talked about how hot I was. Really sweet words. But as things went on I realized that he, naturally, had a lot more on his mind than just making out. I told him that I, unlike many guys, prefer to take things slow. He said that was totally fine . . . but suggested maybe I could just look at his dick? I said okay. So he whipped it out. Then he wanted to see mine. Okay. Then he's jacking off, and I all can think of is dude, don't you dare fire that thing all over my car's interior. I think he finally got the message that I wasn't going to go all the way with him in the back seat of my car. Come on, I'm in my 30's for Pete's sake! I know I missed out on the whole teenage dating thing, but still. Suffice to say, I haven't heard from him since. Didn't expect to.

I know it makes me feel like an alien, but I know the answer is not to feel guilty about my relative lack of lustiness. I can't change my level of sex drive anymore than I can change the direction of my interests.

Still, nothing gets me going like the ol' transformation fiction, coupled with images of muscly dudes. I sometimes wonder whether a muscular guy would get me feeling more of a sexual lust. Being slender myself I don't really see that happening any time soon, but it's something I wonder about. I've now written a total of three stories for the "Gay Spiral Mind Control Story Collection." There is just something about the combination of muscle growth and mental transformation that pushes my buttons. My roommate suggested that perhaps the way I could unlock my sex drive would be to date a guy who is actively working out to put on muscle. Perhaps his slow "transformation" over time would be erotic for me. Perhaps! I admit, I did find it sexy when my ex-bf Ben started getting more into working out. He had hardly touched a weight before he started dating me. I was the one who got him into it and he even started working as a personal trainer shortly after he kicked me to the curb. Guess I created a monster.

In other news, I had an emotional conversation with my mom on the phone the other day. We were talking about the Orlando attack and the responses to it (which might be material for another entry later this week, we'll see). I told her how blessed I felt to have such supportive parents, as I've seen some of my friends lack the same level of support from their own families when it comes to their status as LGBT. I could barely get the words out, I became so choked up. She told me she felt lucky to have me as a son. She only wishes all her kids could find happiness already because their romantic troubles are driving her crazy!

I love my mom. And my dad too. I talked to them both today, for Father's Day. They'll be visiting in about a month, so I'm looking forward to that.

Alright, enough for tonight, it's bedtime. The journey continues!

Until next time,
Cal

Difficult decisions ahead

Still chugging along.

I'm attempting to finally resolve the stubborn foot issues I've been dealing with for the last year and a half by going completely non-weight-bearing for a while. That means crutches. I've been on them for about a week now, and MAN is it tiring! My shoulder is killing me today. I think I might look into renting a knee scooter instead.

The guy I went out with last month that I wrote about in the previous entry is still in the picture. In fact, I could potentially see things going somewhere with this guy. He is very sweet and considerate, and has a good sense of humor. While we have limited common interests, he is very open minded and up for new experiences (within certain parameters), which is a big plus. I'll assign this guy a name. Let's call him Colin.

Thomas is still around as well, though. I had a second conversation with him, this one on the phone, about a week ago. Seeing how things are progressing with Colin, I felt it was important to touch base with Thomas to see where we stood. Last time I had a conversation with him, he had expressed interest in revisiting dating, but he had been two months into seeing another guy. Since then we had hung out on several occasions and had a couple of really awesome days together, but I had no idea whether he was still seeing the other guy.

While the phone conversation was pleasant, it pretty much was a replay of the first conversation. I did learn that he is no longer seeing the guy he'd been seeing before. However, now he's seeing a new guy, which doesn't bode well for us. He still didn't flat out reject me, but since he didn't tell me when things ended with the first guy and thereafter started dating someone else, I can pretty much tell where I stand in his priorities. It sucks because we get along so well and have so much in common, and he's so cute. Plus our common interests and similarities in personality mean we never have a shortage of things to do together. But in this case actions speak louder than words. I gave him a very clear chance to revisit things with me, and he has not acted on it. Instead, he seems to want to keep that door open as long as possible without actually doing anything to walk through it.

Which brings me to the question of what to do about him. I really hate to lose his friendship, but my feelings for him would certainly interfere with things developing with Colin or anybody else. Colin has some distinct advantages over him anyway. Unlike Thomas, Colin doesn't mind making drives to hang with me on the weekend. He also texts me often, showing his interest. Thomas texts me too (and seems to be doing so more as of late) but not as often.

I'm going to hold off on making any decisions about it until I see where things go with Colin these next couple weeks. Still, it's not something I'm looking forward to. Thomas is arguably my best friend in LA now. Part of me wants to say to him, "If you're afraid of risking our friendship by dating, don't you see that our friendship is in jeopardy by not dating as well? If I can't date you, I can't be friends with you, because I like you too damn much!" Ugh.

Lessons learned

I learned several important life lessons over the past couple weeks.

Lesson one: old friends aren’t always lost forever. Sometimes it just takes the right circumstance to reconnect.

This lesson was proven twice recently.

The first reconnection was brought on by, of all things, the death of Scott Weiland, former lead singer of Stone Temple Pilots and Velvet Revolver. Mutual love of STP’s music had led to the formation of one of my closest high school friendships years ago, but since college we had lost touch. Hearing the sad news about Weiland inspired me to look up my old friend on Facebook and reach out. He responded, and we caught up via Facebook Messenger. I discovered he was engaged, with his wedding imminent. I took the opportunity to come out to him, which actually took him by surprise, but he was very supportive. The last time I’d seen him was when I was 25, two years before I came out. We made tentative plans to meet up after his wedding, but then a week later he messaged me to say that there was enough space for me to come, if I was able. So, last night I saw my friend for the first time in 6 years, at his wedding. It was a very nice ceremony, and it was great seeing him again!

The second reconnection also occurred via Facebook. The friend in question was the former roommate of Ben, my ex-boyfriend. I’ve had minimal contact with this friend for the last 2.5 years, since it was just too hard to be in contact with him while the wounds from my breakup were still fresh. We happened to chat a bit on Facebook a few weeks ago, however, and I invited him to a show in LA in which I was performing. When opening night came along, there he was in the front row. He came along to the bar for drinks afterward, and I invited him to tag along to see a movie with me and my other friend last weekend. While I’ll admit seeing him again did dredge up a few painful feelings, it was mostly nice and by forming new memories with him I felt like I “reclaimed” him a bit from the past and from the strong association with Ben. It helps that they are no longer roommates, but I also think I really have grown and healed, which is wonderful to be able to say. Incidentally, I also share a love of STP’s music with this guy.

That’s it for the first lesson. On to lesson number two.

Lesson two: sometimes when you think there are only two possible outcomes from a situation, you’re wrong.

This lesson was taught through my interactions with Thomas last weekend.

As I’ve talked about in previous entries, I have developed pretty strong feelings for my friend Thomas. He’s the first guy since Ben that I’ve liked this much. We casually dated earlier this year when we first met, but he called things off because he thought I might be more “friend” material. I was quite disappointed at the time, and felt like circumstances (such as my unusually busy schedule at the time and the fact that one or both of us was sick most of the time we were seeing each other) had prevented us from taking things to the next level. After a bit of a hiatus, we reconnected and started hanging out again. Since then, I’ve shared a number of memorable experiences with him and have felt my feelings grow stronger. Once again, I found myself in a situation where a guy had friend zoned me when I felt we had a lot of potential. Since that is how my failed relationship with Ben had started, I at first thought the best course of action might be to just swallow my feelings and accept it. I figured if I persisted I would  either get rejected again, or have another short-lived relationship that ended in heartbreak and the loss of another great friend.

But the longer I tried to just be friends with Thomas, the more conflicted I felt. Eventually it reached the point where I knew I would have to be honest with him, even if it meant risking our friendship.

I was in LA last weekend, so I figured that would be the best opportunity to come clean. I came to support him at a performance, then hung out with him for a while afterward. Near the end of our meal, I opened up to him. I explained that though I greatly enjoyed our friendship, I also still had feelings for him that I was trying to reconcile. Leading up to this, I was mostly sure that he would tell me he just wanted friendship, with a small chance that he would reciprocate my feelings and we would be able to resume dating. This was basically me going in with extremely low expectations, to protect myself in case of rejection.

To my surprise, neither of those outcomes came to pass. Instead, he revealed that he actually would be open to dating again . . . except for the fact that he was seeing someone already . . . someone who he had been dating for a couple months already.

Having gone into the conversation with such low expectations, I was surprised to learn that Thomas did actually seem to have some feelings for me. It was timing, rather than me, that was the issue. After we talked a bit about the reasons he ended things before, he said that if for some reason things didn’t work out with the guy he’s currently seeing, he’d be open to dating again. It's an unusual situation, and I know better than to bank on him becoming single again. But the conversation still made me feel better, like my feelings were based on an actual connection and not just wishful thinking on my part. And the experience taught me yet another valuable lesson:

Lesson three: it pays to take a risk and follow your instincts, even if taking risks and following your instincts hasn’t always paid off in the past.

If I had acted on my instincts a couple months ago instead of allowing myself to be guarded and accepting defeat, things might have been different. Moving forward, I will do my best to not allow my experiences with Ben in the past to cause me to overthink things and become paralyzed.

Meanwhile, I’ve gone out a few times with a very nice guy who lives in my town. It’s still early to tell how much potential there is there, and my lingering feelings for Thomas are still a lingering issue, but I plan to see where it goes for now and not get too up in my head about it.

Communication Breakdown

I've been feeling pretty good lately, despite the usual dating frustrations.

One recent good experience: YouTube Guy and his boyfriend came to SoCal to visit for Halloween. I had a great time with them, and they finally got to see one of my improv shows. I think seeing me in my artistic element helped YouTube Guy understand what I like about improv, how it helps me be present in the moment and get out of my head. He said that even being in the audience allowed him to unplug from the worries of life for a little while.

Overall their visit was greatly relaxing and lifted my spirits (which have already been decently high as of late).

On the dating front, I've started to ramp up my dating efforts again after taking some downtime following the last few disappointments. There's one guy in particular who lives near me that I've been getting to know. We had texted for a while and finally met up a few weeks ago. He seems like a really nice, considerate guy, which is nice. Consideration seems to be lacking lately from others.

This weekend especially, I experienced lack of consideration from multiple individuals:

Thomas. We had made plans to see a movie on Sunday. I was also hoping to finally have an opportunity to have the chat with him that I've been meaning to have, to clarify what happened between us. But when I texted him to confirm Saturday night, he told me he had to reschedule because a friend was in town. Why he waited for me to text him to tell me this, I don't know, but it rubbed me the wrong way.

Roger, my cousin. I was planning to hang out with him and stay over at his place in LA after going on a date in the area*. But all day long Roger was unresponsive via phone or text. I ended up making other plans**, and then had to drive home Saturday night instead of staying over in the city. Turns out he started partying early that morning, and was too . . . distracted to check his phone all day long. Here I was afraid that he was in trouble or something . . . anyway he contacted me the next day and was apologetic. But with the double whammy of that and Thomas's cancellation I was not feeling the love.

*So what about that LA date I went on? It was a guy from Tinder I'd been chatting with for quite some time. Super cute, and we had a nice conversation. We hung out for about 2 hours and had a lot in common. He walked me back to my car afterward and we parted ways (with me debating whether I should have kissed him . . .), but he said to hit him up next I was around. A couple days later, this guy who has been so responsive and friendly via text for the last several weeks is now rather unresponsive. What ever happened to guys saying "Sorry, I'm not interested?" Grow some balls fellas!

**And those other plans I made after my cousin flaked on me? Well I met up with another guy. Rather unusual for me to go straight from one date to another, but hey, I was in the city and this guy had been wanting to meet up for a while now. He wasn't really feeling up to going out, so I came over to his place. We watched a movie on TV, during which we chatted and cuddled, and then made out, and then jerked each other off. The whole time he seemed very interested, complimenting me on my body. And afterward he was talking about how next time he'd have to come to my neck of the woods. When we parted ways he asked me to text him when I got home. Well I did text him when I got home, and then again a few days later (today) to see how the rest of his weekend was. No answer.

It doesn't seem like it was always like this. I feel like when I first started dating a few years ago, it was the odd guy who would just plan disappear and give me the cold shoulder. Now it seems like nearly every guy is doing it. I don't know what's going on, but I don't like it. I pledge to never do that to someone. Letting the conversation fade out is one thing. But not responding to a message is just plain rude.

But at least I hadn't had time to develop feelings for either of those guys. My heart is becoming a little more resilient. I'll treat guys like that like pinball bumpers. They may jerk me around a little bit, but ultimately I'll just ricochet off with minimal momentum lost. Meanwhile, I'll be the change I want to see in the world. I won't use people like a means to an end, and if someone likes me I will not rudely give them the cold shoulder. As much as it can hurt to be rejected, being honest and direct is the grown-up, considerate way to be. I would rather someone tell me that it's not going to work out, and give a reason why so I can learn and grow. Because the only lesson I learn from the silent treatment is that the dating scene is full of assholes.

Hey, remember when I used to name my posts after song titles, and include the video for the song in question?

Thank you for being a pal

Another wonderful weekend spending time with Thomas. Uh oh. This time I didn't quite make it out without feeling down about it.

I enjoy hanging out with him so much. This is seriously Version 2.0 of my first relationship, at least so far. In that I met someone online, dated him for a a while, starting falling for him, got friend zoned, and now have been trying to navigate being friends while my feelings grow even stronger.

I know it's not sustainable. I figure I need to act sooner rather than later. It's not fair to either of us. So I'll probably try to hang out with him a lot less next weekend, and instead get coffee or something and have a chat so that we are on the same page.

I definitely got mixed messages from him over the weekend. On the one hand, he invited me to accompany him to all sorts of get-togethers. And we had dinner last night, just the two of us, in a very date-like atmosphere. And he gave me a kiss on the cheek when we parted ways on Saturday night.

BUT . . .

He jokingly called me a "cock-blocker" when he had to turn down a guy's offer to go for a walk at the beach because he was waiting for me to show up. And probably most damning of all, when we parted ways Sunday night he thanked me for hanging out and for being "such a pal." Then later that night after I texted him that I'd made it home safely, he reiterated his thanks and used the word "pal" again. Doesn't get much clearer than that.

So pretty much I am squarely in the friend zone, which is to be expected since I was . . . well . . . explicitly friend zoned earlier this year.

I just don't get how someone who I get along with SO well, who I have SO much in common with, who I share so many interests with, who shares my sense of humor . . . can fail to reciprocate my feelings. All that is enough for me to feel something, why isn't it enough for him?

Well, I do get it. I'm pretty sure he doubts our sexual chemistry. Because we didn't bump uglies when we were dating before. Nevermind that one or both of us was sick for most of that time.

I don't want to lose his friendship. Having him in my life makes me a happier person (well, except for today, haha). Finding a kindred spirit really makes you feel less alone in the world, you know?

BUT . . .

I felt the same way about Ben. And I was persistent in my pursuit of him. I did successfully have my first and only relationship because of my stubborn rejection of being friend-zoned. But ultimately I lost him completely from my life.

So I guess I'm just worried that history will continue to repeat itself. I know that just because something starts the same doesn't mean it will end the same. I guess I just need to tell him how I feel and hope for the best. Best scenario: he reciprocates. Okay scenario: he doesn't feel the same, but it doesn't affect our friendship in a negative way. Bad scenario: he doesn't feel the same and our friendship sours.

Guess I just gotta act. Any suggestions on how to bring it up, how to word it?

Gaybor Day Weekend

I had a really awesome Labor Day Weekend.

A friend from the past drove up from San Diego to spend it with me . . . it was my friend Ron, who I first met back in 2013. I hadn't seen him since I was last in San Diego in July 2014.

Ron is one of my favorite guys that I have dated. It was mostly the combination of the distance between us and his busy schedule that put the kabosh on us dating before. I still think about him periodically. Well, this weekend he came up and we did an LA weekend together. It was awesome, but it also kind of cemented us as just-friends.

We spent a lot of time with my cousin Roger, who is very comfortable being out and about by now. In fact, he got quite a bit of action over the weekend. First, he spent the night in a hotel room with Ron's flamboyant friend. Then he had a random guy come up to him at a bar in West Hollywood, and before you knew it they were kissing. The guy was really cute too!

Ron and I went shopping for clothes, which was nice. I got some new shirts, some dark jeans, and some new shoes. I hate clothes shopping, especially alone, so it was really nice to have someone there to provide advice.

We went out to the bars in West Hollywood two nights in a row, and stayed out quite late both nights. One night several of my friends met up with us, including El Genio from the blogs. It was so nice seeing him again!

The highlight of the weekend, and also the most emotionally complex experience, was when Ron and I met up with Thomas. Thomas, as you may recall, is the latest guy I had strong feelings for who friend zoned me. The three of us had a board game night, which was insanely fun. It also was, I noticed at one point, me hanging out with the two guys who I was most interested in dating over the past several years.

They are such cool guys and good friends. I just wish I could date one of them. Ron is pretty much out of the question now, as I opened up to him on the drive home from LA about my lingering feelings for Thomas. That and he is about twice as far away as Thomas is.

Thomas frustrates me. We get along SO well, we have so many things in common, and he is so frickin' attractive to me! But he ended things, and the last time I continued to pursue a guy after I was friend zoned . . . well, I did have my first relationship. But ultimately I got my heart broken. I like Thomas so much that I don't want to risk losing him as a friend. At the same time, I like him so much more than ever single other guy I've dated in the past several years! I guess the most aggravating thing is that we went out for two months, and he seemed legitimately interested at the beginning. So, I feel like I had a chance and blew it, which can feel worse than having never had a chance at all.

I am determined to pursue the friendship, because I really do feel like it would be a shame to lose him as a friend. At the same time, I'm conflicted about whether I should ever admit my feelings or just try to grow out of them.

I think what I need to work on is upping my flirtation game when dating. I know sexual energy doesn't come naturally to me, but I'm gonna have to learn to at least fake it somewhat if I want to stop getting friend zoned left and right. The next time a Thomas comes around, I don't want to miss my chance.

The plot thickens, as usual

It's been a confusing couple of weeks on the romantic front.

I'm still dealing with the disappointment of losing Thomas. It's amazing how much he crept into my heart, even though we never got intimate other than a little kissing. It's striking how much I liked him. If only he had lived closer, or been more comfortable driving. He expressed interest in being friends, and I told him I'd like it too but would need some downtime first. On a whim I had asked him if he'd be willing to have more of a conversation about what happened, since he ended things while I was double parked dropping him off at his car. He said he'd absolutely be down for that. I'm still on the fence about whether such a conversation would be a good idea or not. I know "closure" is an elusive thing, but I'm having some major self-blame going on and would kind of like to talk through it a bit. The first phone debriefing I had with Ben post-relationship seemed to help at the time (though that help was undone by subsequent events). I don't know.

As for the new guy, the one who cooked for me . . . well things got real complicated real fast. He's spending 2 months this summer out of state. The reality of this situation dawned on him after the third time we got together (for a cuddle session and sleep over). He had to cancel our fourth date plans because of a family get-together, and then sent me a lengthy text. In it he explained that he thought I was very sweet and was happy to be getting to know me, but felt like he just didn't have time to date before his departure (it was a week and a half, including a long weekend he was going to be out of town). He apologized and admitted that he should have thought of his impending departure before he agreed to meet up with me the first time. He asked if we could kind of put things on hold and then pick up when he gets back.

I'm certainly sympathetic . . . it's a difficult situation. I told him I would be okay with that. But the thing is, he has pretty much cut off communication (as in, he isn't initiating contact . . . he'll still respond if I do). I don't think he was making excuses because he made a big deal about how much he dislikes flaky guys, and he's always responsive to my texts. I'm confident that if he really had changed his mind about me he would tell me the truth. At the same time, it's weird to just pretend nothing ever happened and plan to have a total reset two months from now. Part of me feels like if he was really interested he would at least be checking in a little bit before his departure! That he would have taken me up on my offer for one last meet up so I could give him a goodbye kiss! I don't know. He seems very set on doing things the right way. He said it didn't feel right to him to start something right before leaving. So my approach is just trying to put him out of my mind, act as if things are over . . . and then see what happens two months from now.

I'm enjoying talking to guys on Tinder again, despite a little bit of resurgence of sexuality doubts (they spring up now and again, my OCD tendencies perhaps). I went to LA Pride over the weekend. Through the connections with my gay cousin Roger I actually marched in the parade . . . and that's not all. I actually ended up (after some convincing) wearing a colorful headdress with him and carrying a banner in front of the group we were marching with. Never thought I would do something like that!

After the parade we were hitting up bars and I was getting more and more tipsy. We wound up in the bar called Mickey's and I was scanning the dance floor for cute guys. One caught my eye for a while, but my interest waned when I saw him light up (smoking is a major turn off for me). Then all of a sudden, a guy comes over and starts dancing with me. Before I know it we are making out. And he is going to town. Kissing, biting, giving me a hickey (which remained and got spotted by a coworker this week), and even groping me in the middle of the frickin' bar. Let me tell you, I would NOT have been okay with that if I had been sober. But I was drunk and lonely, so I let it slide. He ended up hanging out the rest of the night with me, my cousin and our other companion (who had his eyes on my cousin). He tried to get me to go back to his place (actually his first suggestion was the bathroom), but even drunk I wouldn't do something like that.

The thing is, this guy wasn't just horny. He really liked me. He got my number and texted me the next day. He was super sweet, so I agreed to have dinner with him this week. We had a nice time. He's a nice guy, we had decent conversation and he seems very into me. And I'm a little uncomfortable . . . I'm not sure why. He's not quite the type I'm usually attracted too, but he's got a bit of cuteness to him. He's going out of town for 2 weeks so that gives me some time to think. 

I'm wondering whether I have the tendency to freak out when someone is into me. Perhaps I prefer being the pursuer. I don't know. I'm worried about hurting this guy. I'm also worried about not giving him enough of a chance, since he is sweet and actually IS willing to drive to me, unlike Thomas.

Big info dump! Haha. As you can tell there's a lot on my mind! Dating is so complicated, it's nice to have this place to vent. Feel free to weigh in on any or all of what I've written.

Have a great day everyone! 

A bittersweet weekend, and a new guy

Thanks to TwoLives for the comment on the last post.

Well, it's over with this guy. I'll call him Thomas. He deserves a pseudonym since he was such a memorable one.

We missed a weekend since we were both traveling for Memorial Day. Over this past weekend we hung out both Saturday and Sunday. I had an amazing time. We went out to eat, checked out a beautiful historic house/museum, saw an improv show together . . . and then he initiated a talk. For the first time. At first I had a little glimmer of hope. Was this going to be a "I really like you and I'm ready to get a little more intimate/serious talk?" I felt the chances were good seeing as how he had agreed to spend so much time with me, and we'd had such a great time. I went first, and emphasized how much I liked him. Then he spoke . . . and told me he has come to think of me as more of a friend.

He mentioned how we'd been going out for nearly two months and hadn't done anything in the bedroom. I pointed out that one or both of us was sick for nearly half the time we'd been seeing each other, which may have affected our momentum. There also was really no opportunity for it. He admitted that he could have invited me over to his place but never did. My place wasn't an option because he never offered to drive to my neck of the woods. I told him that his reluctance to drive to me had been a worry for me, and he said that though it may be a bit selfish, he just really doesn't like to drive.

And so that's it. The guy I've been the most excited about in two years is dumping me because he doesn't like to drive, and because my keeping my distance so as not to get him sick made him cease to see me as a romantic prospect (talk about nice guys finishing last . . .) I know realistically he may still need time to emotionally move on from his 8 year relationship. But it's still so frustrating! He really had me falling for him. His eyes were beautiful, his smile adorable, his personality charming, his presence so calming. We could talk for hours, which is a big deal for me. In a follow up text after I got home he complimented me for being such a "good conversationalist." All that time spent together and that's all he could see in me? It's a wonder we lasted so long.

Silver lining: I actually went on a first date last week, since I sensed that things were in the danger zone with Thomas. The date went really well, and the second date was last night. I went over to the guy's place and he cooked. It was delicious, and we had a great time. We also made out a lot. It was clear that he kind of wanted to go further, but he stopped himself. He clearly wants to take things a little slow (but not too slow). But he has made no secret of the fact that he likes me and is very impressed by me. He is also very handsome himself. More feminine than I would usually be attracted to, but in this case it somehow enhances his attractiveness. And you know what? I like not having to wonder about what the other guy thinks of me.

That second date has given me a much needed buffer to keep my spirits high after the disappointment with Thomas. It will still be a little while before I'm over that one though, and I hope it doesn't affect what I have going with this new guy. I'm going to keep my distance from Thomas for a while. If friendship is possible it's the only way, as I once learned the hard way.

In other news, I met a fellow blogger, Aek of The Masks We Wear, for the first time in person. Very nice guy and he came to see me perform improv. So great to finally meet him :)

Hoping to avoid déjà vu

Hey all,

I'm still around. Things have been going pretty well lately. Work is good, improv is good, and I've been dating a guy I really like. In fact, he's probably the guy I've liked the most in the last two years. Super cute, common interests, similar personality, very nice and funny. But I feel the demons of the past affecting me and I'm trying to fight it. The problem is this guy is into taking things slow. For several weeks we were taking turns being sick so that added to the slowness. But now we're better and I still feel we're not progressing much. And this coming from a guy that prefers to take things slow. I was looking forward to finally being able to kiss him on the mouth again after being sick, but he only gave me a quick little kiss. Sometimes he'll call me "stud" or "baby" in his texts, other times it's "dude" or "man." I just don't want Ben Part 2, so I'm very wary about moving forward if there's ANY sign of ambivalence on his part. I know he got out of an 8-year relationship a little more than a year ago so I've been cutting him slack. At the same time, I feel like I am doing all of the flirting, complimenting, etc. And I've been on the other end so I know how mixed feelings translates into mixed messages. He is good about texting me everyday if I don't text first, but other than that I am the initiator of pretty much everything. It pains me because I really like this guy! The compatibility and personality "clicking" is to a level I haven't felt since . . . a long time ago. Part of me is worried that our momentum was lost by me being sick so long (longer than usual, it was like two and a half weeks) since I had to keep him at arm's length. If he's just another avoidant who's going to give me mixed messages, follow my lead for a while and then cut me out when I cease being exciting and new then I don't want to get invested. But I also don't want to assume that he would do that, because everyone is different (and he seems a lot less impulsive and conflicted then my ex.)

So I guess I'm just trying to strike a balance between learning from the past and not punishing a new guy for someone else's bad behavior.

I read an article at one point about the rule of Hell Yes. Well, in the article it was F*** Yes but you get the idea. The author argued that you should only date someone if they make you say "Hell Yes" and you make them say it too. If I were to follow that rule then it's already too late because I clearly haven't made this guy say Hell Yes.

And yes, we did have a "Where is this going" conversation at about the one month mark. He said he likes me but just wants to take things slow. That was a few weeks ago.

Also, he lives an hour from me (like many guys I date do, it seems). So I've only been seeing him on weekends.

Questions: Do you agree that we both should be saying "Hell yes" at this point? How do I up the ante without pushing him away by being too needy/anxious/pushy?