Let me start at the beginning. A guy messaged me on Grindr a few weeks ago. Young guy, only 22. But cute, and with a nice profile. We chat a bit, and he seems really friendly and interested in talking with me. He asks me what I'm looking for, and I say "meeting new people for friends and dates," and he says the same. Turns out we share some common interests and he lives really close to my work, so we agree to meet up. My usual dating range is 5 years on either side of my age, but I figured why not? The guy seems nice.
I met up with him after work last week, and we had a great time. Really nice guy, and we got along well. I kissed him at the end of the date, and we made out and cuddled a bit in my car. The next day he texted me, expressing his interest in seeing me again.
Cut to this past Saturday. We meet up and go to a shopping center. Our chemistry is great, and we even walk around holding hands, which I've only done with a handful of guys. I suggest we ride a nearby ferris wheel, so we do. It's a very romantic ride, and we kiss some more as it goes around. We then grab drinks at a nearby bar and talk for quite a while.
Back to my car, where we make out for quite a while, and cuddle. He says that it's okay if my hands wander a bit lower, so I graze down there a bit. Still, since this is only our second date I don't want to go too far, but I do what I'm comfortable with. After a while it's late, so I drive him over to his car and we part ways. I make it clear that I look forward to seeing him again. We both seem to have had a great time. There was never a lull in the conversation or an awkward moment.
This time, no text the next day, but I think nothing of it. Monday comes around and I texted him, asking how the rest of his weekend was. No answer.
Tuesday: nothing.
Wednesday: nothing. I texted him to say I hope he's doing well, and that I hope to see him again soon. No answer.
Aaaand now the ruminations start. As while I keep trying to give him the benefit of the doubt (maybe he's busy, maybe he's having phone trouble, etc), as time goes on it is seeming more and more like he is giving me the cold shoulder.
Personally, not responding to a text is one of my pet peeves. I think it is hugely disrespectful. The last guy to give me the silent treatment was "the guy who cooked for me", the summer crush who went away for two months and came back with no interest in meeting up again. I tried to keep in touch and he stopped responding after showing interest at first in hanging out again (and that guy stated in his Tinder profile that non-responders are one of HIS pet-peeves!)
I'm trying to buffer my disappointment, but each time it gets a little harder. Could it really be because I didn't take him back to my place? Could two awesome dates with great chemistry really mean nothing if he didn't get laid? Was it the same story with the guy from the summer (in that case it was three great dates).
Is it so wrong for me to want to get to know a guy a bit (a bit meaning more than just two dates) before jumping into the bedroom? And if that's not what's going on, then what the hell could it be?
I need advice. Do you expect sex within the first 2-3 dates? If you really had a good time with a guy but you didn't end up in bed together after making out, would you take that to me a lack of sexual chemistry, or lack of interest on his part?
I really wish I knew what I was doing wrong. In 2013 and 2014 it was easy to blame my failures on still recovering from heartbreak. But all these disappointments in 2015 suggest there's something else going on. And I'd love it to be something I can fix, rather than something about me (i.e., not quick enough into the bedroom).
Maybe I was right not to date guys in their early 20s. Even if they seem mature, maybe they really are just about sex.
But I'll keep chugging. Because that's all I can do.
Hopefully I'll update this in a few days with a "False Alarm! He was just busy and I got all bent out of shape for nothing!" post. But going off of past experience . . . I'm not holding my breath.
So my partner and I are 10 years apart. He said he thinks it works because we are at different life stages - he was settled, I was not, so there was never the moving in question. He also said we get along really well, and so it works.
ReplyDeleteI went on a few dates like that where we had great chemistry, and then no response. My mind would wander, I would worry, feel rejected. I just put up with it and continued playing the scene.
I would say that I was guilty of getting intimate as early as the 2nd or 3rd meet up if it were a date, and that seemed to be the norm of the gay community, and I was horny, and I wanted a guy, and well, I believe that the 2nd or 3rd is what most guys expect. As far as whether I think that's too soon - I do - but I did feed into that, so I'm guilty.
You may have avoided some heartache here. What if you had taken him home and THEN he went missing? Or, what if you had several good dates (and sex each time) and then he told you he's not looking for a relationship, just "friends or dates"?
ReplyDeleteOf course there are exceptions, but it's pretty safe to assume any cute 22yo on Grindr isn't looking for a committed relationship. If they are, it's very likely to be someone near their own age.
As tempting as the young ones are, you're probably better off avoiding them. If you want someone who will genuinely appreciate you and who is relationship-ready, try guys who are older than you are. Homos are extremely age-conscious. We all want to date someone younger than ourselves.
I'm the same as you - the not responding to texts within 24 hours is a pet peeve of mine too. If I'm going to be rejected, I prefer it be communicated so I have closure. I have no advice for you, but if you figure something out, let me know!
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