Not so weird

I'm curious as to what people think of my previous entry . . . it was definitely one of my most personal. I was inspired to come clean by YouTube user "Adorkable," a gay guy who has talked on his channel about having a transformation fetish. 

I tell ya, it is liberating to feel like you're not as weird as you thought you were. Between reading more about that, and finding Emily Nagoski's blog, I'm feeling more comfortable with my sexuality than I can remember.

Here is another article where she talks about spontaneous vs. responsive desire, and the results of society's glorification of the former and misunderstanding of the latter. 

http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2010/02/27/do-you-know-when-you-want-it/

What she says about responsive desire strikes a chord with me. Doesn't randomly want sex? Check. Would be fine with having sex once a week or less? Check. Able to get aroused in the appropriate context? Check.

I had a date with a guy in LA last night. He was quite cute and really nice, and I related to him quite a bit with his coming out story. We kissed before parting ways, and that woke me up downstairs. Meanwhile, watching Magic Mike with my cousin on the 4th of July, though very pleasurable to the senses, noticeably didn't leave me feeling aroused. Old Cal might have started over thinking that and wondering how he could really be gay if Channing Tatum gyrating couldn't give him a boner. But now that I've had a bit of a paradigm shift, I realize that not all gay guys are the same. Sure, the majority of them might be horn dogs (as with the majority of men), but not all. 

I had breakfast with Thomas for the first time since he ended things. I want to keep him as a friend, especially seeing as how we really never got very serious. Damn do I still like him though! We had a great conversation and I was reminded of how I relate to him in so many ways. But, I have learned from past experience that when a guy says he doesn't want to date, you have to believe him. Because even if pushing the issue got me a relationship, it would not be a relationship with a very strong foundation. And I really don't need Ben 2.0. 

Speaking of Ben, my cousin Roger made the questionable decision to remind me of Ben's birthday recently. What can I say, Roger is not always the most tactful (he's the one who semi-inadvertently outed me to my aunt and uncle after all). I successfully resisted any and all urges to reach out to my ex, so yay for me. But then later that day, as I was hiking with a friend, I saw a guy who looked very much like Ben. For a moment I thought it was actually him. And in that moment I got a little preview of what actually running into him would feel like. Let me tell you, it was not pleasant. Kind of like having an ice cream headache in my whole body. So yeah, that specter still haunts me. But, I've learned that it's something I just have to live with. Getting over a lost love has some active elements, but it's primarily a passive process it seems.

As addicted as I seem to be to dating, I'm beginning to feel the clock tick again on career issues. Though my job is decent (and better than the job I had during my acute career crisis several years ago), I still have the nagging feeling that I should be doing more with my life. I just keep having the fear that changing paths will adversely affect my ability to have a relationship. It seems my greatest fear is being alone, and that fear affects my life choices a lot more than it should. But then again, I've kept my current job that leaves me plenty of time to date, and what relationship do I have to show for it? I'm taking baby steps to figure these things out, but I just feel like my youth is running out. A big change or risk is going to have to happen at some point.

Even with these concerns, I know I'm not alone. They are concerns and worries that plenty of people have. I just hope as I look back at this time in my life 20 years from now, I will be looking back from a place of contentment.