Another wonderful weekend spending time with Thomas. Uh oh. This time I didn't quite make it out without feeling down about it.
I enjoy hanging out with him so much. This is seriously Version 2.0 of my first relationship, at least so far. In that I met someone online, dated him for a a while, starting falling for him, got friend zoned, and now have been trying to navigate being friends while my feelings grow even stronger.
I know it's not sustainable. I figure I need to act sooner rather than later. It's not fair to either of us. So I'll probably try to hang out with him a lot less next weekend, and instead get coffee or something and have a chat so that we are on the same page.
I definitely got mixed messages from him over the weekend. On the one hand, he invited me to accompany him to all sorts of get-togethers. And we had dinner last night, just the two of us, in a very date-like atmosphere. And he gave me a kiss on the cheek when we parted ways on Saturday night.
BUT . . .
He jokingly called me a "cock-blocker" when he had to turn down a guy's offer to go for a walk at the beach because he was waiting for me to show up. And probably most damning of all, when we parted ways Sunday night he thanked me for hanging out and for being "such a pal." Then later that night after I texted him that I'd made it home safely, he reiterated his thanks and used the word "pal" again. Doesn't get much clearer than that.
So pretty much I am squarely in the friend zone, which is to be expected since I was . . . well . . . explicitly friend zoned earlier this year.
I just don't get how someone who I get along with SO well, who I have SO much in common with, who I share so many interests with, who shares my sense of humor . . . can fail to reciprocate my feelings. All that is enough for me to feel something, why isn't it enough for him?
Well, I do get it. I'm pretty sure he doubts our sexual chemistry. Because we didn't bump uglies when we were dating before. Nevermind that one or both of us was sick for most of that time.
I don't want to lose his friendship. Having him in my life makes me a happier person (well, except for today, haha). Finding a kindred spirit really makes you feel less alone in the world, you know?
BUT . . .
I felt the same way about Ben. And I was persistent in my pursuit of him. I did successfully have my first and only relationship because of my stubborn rejection of being friend-zoned. But ultimately I lost him completely from my life.
So I guess I'm just worried that history will continue to repeat itself. I know that just because something starts the same doesn't mean it will end the same. I guess I just need to tell him how I feel and hope for the best. Best scenario: he reciprocates. Okay scenario: he doesn't feel the same, but it doesn't affect our friendship in a negative way. Bad scenario: he doesn't feel the same and our friendship sours.
Guess I just gotta act. Any suggestions on how to bring it up, how to word it?
I've been experiencing the *exact* same scenario over the past few months, although I'm slightly further along than you. There are so many moments where I feel such a strong connection to him, and sexual chemistry too, yet he claims we have none. Really? NONE?? When he told me that I felt like a delusional moron, like I was living in my own private alternate universe.
ReplyDeleteMy friend tells me he misses me and how he can't wait to get together again, ASAP!, then he tells me he wants me to meet his latest crush. It's so bizarre...and an exhausting emotional roller coaster ride.
What's helped me a lot is that I've realized how completely self-centered my friend is. He has a very limited comfort zone, so if we were in a relationship, I'd be required to live exactly as he does. That's just too confining for me. So, although I constantly feel pulled toward him, and I desperately want to passionately kiss him, I know I don't want to get involved with him.
You likely have no such doubts. If so, that just adds to the frustrations you already have.
At some point, you'll find the emotional roller coaster too exhausting. When that happens, you'll either make a big emotional confession to him, or, you'll need to totally back away. In either case, it's likely to be rough for you.
To avoid both of those things, my suggestion is that you "ping" him in a low-key way each time you see him. That is, rather than make a big deal about your feelings, plant seeds with him that may trigger a future epiphany. For example, pay him one honest, flattering and slightly subtle compliment each meeting. If you have extended eye contact, say "You have incredibly beautiful eyes. I could get lost in them." If you hug goodbye, say "It always makes me happy to get a hug from you." If he shares something personal, say "I'm very touched that you shared that with me. It makes me feel closer to you." These are all honest expressions of affection but if you say them sparingly and in a matter-of-face way, they're unlikely to overwhelm Thomas. In fact, he'll probably eat them up. Do your best not to gush or give too many compliments. You're leaving a trail of affectionate breadcrumbs for him to find his way to you, not beating him into submission.
I've been doing this and what I've found is that it gives me some degree of fulfillment, and just as importantly, it gives me an outlet so I don't keep the feelings bottled up until I burst. In a way, I'm taking the pressure off myself and putting it on him. It's a slow drip-drip-drip of "yes, I like you, when are you going to notice it's mutual?" Hopefully, one day, that's what will click for Thomas..."I really DO want a romantic relationship with Cal!"
This is just me - I'm obviously not the one to listen to when it comes to doling out advice since it can be wrong. I would probably write him over text after he says something considerate, like "I am so glad to have a friend like you," or "Thanks for listening to me, I appreciate having a friend like you"
ReplyDeleteThanks guys! I was hoping to hang out with him this weekend and maybe initiate a talk, but didn't end up going to his neck of the woods. I did text him to see how his week was. His response: "Hi Cal! Actually I was just thinking about you a little while ago."
ReplyDeleteWhy is it necessary to say that? Exactly the kind of comment an overthinker like me is gonna overthink haha.