Second weekend in a row with some sexual escapades; go me I guess!.
I had a message on OkCupid yesterday from a guy who is new to the area. Young guy in his early/mid 20s. Though my experience with the last young guy is still pretty fresh on my mind, this one seemed like a nice guy, and he was keen to meet up.
Well let's just say that this was not a repeat of my experience with the last young guy. After a nice lunch date and a walk, he ends up coming back to my place and almost immediately gets naked (this after I told him that I usually take things slow and that puts me at odds with most guys . . . something he obviously did NOT take to heart, haha). I decide to just go with it, seeing as I've been telling myself I need to get more sexual experience anyway. Midway through our messing around he clarifies that he is not looking for a relationship, just a potential friend-with-benefits. While I don't have very much intrinsic interest in such an arrangement, it would be a good opportunity to get some more experience, so I say I'm open to it.
Our session was pretty fun. I admit, it went on a bit long and I started to just want to finish. But near the end, when our bodies were super sweaty and slippery (I have never had such a sweaty lovemaking session, haha) I had a period where I was getting pretty into it. The sensations were good, his passion was noticeable, and I was able to finish (which doesn't always happen, especially with a new guy). Sex is really something that I need to be put in the mood for, and I also need to try to stay focused during. Thoughts constantly try to invade while I am struggling to stay in the moment. But in this case, I felt like I was almost feeling what a sexual experience is supposed to feel like. At least, a hook-up type one. I'd still prefer to have feelings for the other person!
One thing that would make things better: a bigger bed. The size of my bed definitely became an impediment, partially because he's a bit bigger than me. It's something I've been thinking about, and this experience reinforced its importance.
One thing I liked about this guy was his communication style. Throughout he was telling me what he wanted and what felt good, and he was asking me the same. Communication is huge for me, so that was nice.
Overall if this guy sticks around (he sounded like he wanted to see me again, whether that was the truth we'll see) I can see myself fooling around more with him.
It might be good for me, because I've been struggling with a bit of what seems like gay man impostor syndrome. Since I don't have the level of intrinsic interest in sex with men that most gay guys seem to have, it makes me feel weird about calling myself gay sometimes. Yes, I know I have only dated guys and I masturbate to fantasies that involve men (albeit not exactly straight-forward sexual fantasies). But because I feel so out of my element in the bedroom, I can't help but feel weird about it. It's something I really need to work through, because I feel it is the number one thing that is preventing me from finding a relationship. I feel it's the missing piece with guys like Thomas who are otherwise a perfect match for me. Heck, maybe it had something to do with the lack of chemistry that Ben felt for me at the end of our relationship.
Do any of you out there ever feel like you don't fully deserve your gay card? How many sexual experiences did it take for you to finally feel "natural" in the bedroom?
Honestly I don't have a problem with having a FWB. I did. The Guy. I would say it was probably at least a dozen times or so before I got comfortable with and things started feeling natural. If you have communication there is nothing wrong with it in my mind.
ReplyDeleteI've wondered if part of your challenge in finding a good guy is because you naturally exude a brotherly vs. loverly vibe.
ReplyDeleteSuppose that's true...what can you do about it? Pretend to be someone you're not? That wouldn't work for me. I believe real love can only spawn when two people are authentic with each other, otherwise false facades make for false love.
There probably are guys out there who have changed their authentic selves from being brotherly to being naturally sexually charming. How did they do it? My guess is it's like anything else...motivation and lots of practice. Just as with singing, playing an instrument or doing improv, they're all skills that can be significantly improved upon, even if you have almost no natural talent to begin with. So, yes, this guy has presented you with a huge learning opportunity. I say go with your instincts and have as much "meaningless" sex with him as possible. Even if you're not a love match, the sex is *not* meaningless. It will help you grow as a person and give you the sexual confidence you've been missing.
I had a FWB from ages 29 - 34. The guy had very little experience with men, but lots with women. He wasn't naturally super-sexy but he did have a talent for making sex fun, playful and fulfilling for hours at a time. I'd never been with anyone like him before so the experience was awesome - and very educational. Regular sex with him totally boosted my confidence.
Unfortunately, too many years of too much celibacy have killed whatever mojo I had. So, quite coincidentally, even before I read your post, I've been seriously thinking about finding another FWB, just for the practice and to see if I could make myself genuinely hunger for more sexual connections.
I look forward to hearing how things work out for you.
Hmm. I think a FWB would be good for you, in a sense. It can definitely help you feel more comfortable with yourself, and just make sure it's all safe! Keep us updated. :-P
ReplyDelete