Colin, backseat shenanigans, and more

Hello blog world, it's been a while.

To be honest, I'm writing this entry because of Brent's comment a few weeks ago that I just read recently. That got the "Oh, people are still reading this!" wheels turning. So, kudos Brent!

So, where is ol' Cal at right now?

Career-wise, I'm in a better mental space then I was a few months ago, particularly in February. I'm still in the same job and everything and still exploring what's next, but I'm not feeling all doom and gloom about it. Basically, I'm being kinder to myself. Right now I'm reading Peter Buffett's Life is What You Make It, which is really resonating with me. The never-ending pull of the various forces in my headspace continues, but at least that book is helping me quiet down some of the "shoulds."

Dating-wise, things have also quieted down. Things didn't "end" with Colin so much as they just kind of fizzled. We casually dated for quite a while, but it was an awkward time. I was on crutches in an attempt to resolve my recurrent foot issues, so I wasn't making it up to his neck of the woods very much. He came down to me a couple times, but life got busy and weeks would pass without us seeing each other. Gradually the frequency of texting diminished. On top of that, I was clearly conflicted, which became very apparent to me when I purposefully didn't invite him to an outing with a bunch of my friends because Thomas was already going (he'd won tickets to the same event so we had made plans to go together before things had gotten a little more serious with Colin). I was uncomfortable with having both Thomas and Colin there so I didn't ask Colin to go. Still not sure what the proper action was there.

The last time I saw Colin was a few weekends ago. We had lunch, and I brought up the subject of "us" so we could be on the same page. He surprised me a bit, as I thought he had totally lost interest. Instead, he said that he did like me a lot, but he was dealing with a lot of "baggage" (he recently broke up with his long-term, live-in boyfriend . . . it happened just a couple months before we met). He said he understood if I wanted to move on and look for someone a bit more emotionally prepared for a relationship. I sympathized with him greatly, remembering how hard my own break-up was (I still think about my ex all the damn time, I just don't beat myself up about it as much anymore). I told him I'd like to still hang out with him, and we left it at that. I'll probably visit him next time I'm in the area, but I feel like dating-wise we're kind of done.

I met up with a young guy off of Grindr lately. I don't know why I do that. I know what most Grindr guys are looking for, and I know it's not what I'm looking for. This was just the latest example of that. We had a nice first date that ended a bit awkwardly. Red Flag # 1 he had a big aversion to kissing after he walked me to my car. I understand not everyone is comfortable with public displays of affection, but modest displays when few people are around? We went out for drinks a few nights later. Red Flag # 2 he really pushed for coming right over to my place. I told him my roommate was up and about and I'd rather meet for drinks. After drinks he said how he wished he could make out with me, but was uncomfortable doing it in the parking lot. I suggested we go in my car. He agreed, but then asked if I could drive around and find a private place (Red Flag # 3). I naively did so, and we ended up in a deserted parking lot, with nary a soul around. He suggested we go to the back seat. Having not done very much backseat macking, I acquiesced, for the experience. We kissed, and he talked about how hot I was. Really sweet words. But as things went on I realized that he, naturally, had a lot more on his mind than just making out. I told him that I, unlike many guys, prefer to take things slow. He said that was totally fine . . . but suggested maybe I could just look at his dick? I said okay. So he whipped it out. Then he wanted to see mine. Okay. Then he's jacking off, and I all can think of is dude, don't you dare fire that thing all over my car's interior. I think he finally got the message that I wasn't going to go all the way with him in the back seat of my car. Come on, I'm in my 30's for Pete's sake! I know I missed out on the whole teenage dating thing, but still. Suffice to say, I haven't heard from him since. Didn't expect to.

I know it makes me feel like an alien, but I know the answer is not to feel guilty about my relative lack of lustiness. I can't change my level of sex drive anymore than I can change the direction of my interests.

Still, nothing gets me going like the ol' transformation fiction, coupled with images of muscly dudes. I sometimes wonder whether a muscular guy would get me feeling more of a sexual lust. Being slender myself I don't really see that happening any time soon, but it's something I wonder about. I've now written a total of three stories for the "Gay Spiral Mind Control Story Collection." There is just something about the combination of muscle growth and mental transformation that pushes my buttons. My roommate suggested that perhaps the way I could unlock my sex drive would be to date a guy who is actively working out to put on muscle. Perhaps his slow "transformation" over time would be erotic for me. Perhaps! I admit, I did find it sexy when my ex-bf Ben started getting more into working out. He had hardly touched a weight before he started dating me. I was the one who got him into it and he even started working as a personal trainer shortly after he kicked me to the curb. Guess I created a monster.

In other news, I had an emotional conversation with my mom on the phone the other day. We were talking about the Orlando attack and the responses to it (which might be material for another entry later this week, we'll see). I told her how blessed I felt to have such supportive parents, as I've seen some of my friends lack the same level of support from their own families when it comes to their status as LGBT. I could barely get the words out, I became so choked up. She told me she felt lucky to have me as a son. She only wishes all her kids could find happiness already because their romantic troubles are driving her crazy!

I love my mom. And my dad too. I talked to them both today, for Father's Day. They'll be visiting in about a month, so I'm looking forward to that.

Alright, enough for tonight, it's bedtime. The journey continues!

Until next time,
Cal