Lessons learned

I learned several important life lessons over the past couple weeks.

Lesson one: old friends aren’t always lost forever. Sometimes it just takes the right circumstance to reconnect.

This lesson was proven twice recently.

The first reconnection was brought on by, of all things, the death of Scott Weiland, former lead singer of Stone Temple Pilots and Velvet Revolver. Mutual love of STP’s music had led to the formation of one of my closest high school friendships years ago, but since college we had lost touch. Hearing the sad news about Weiland inspired me to look up my old friend on Facebook and reach out. He responded, and we caught up via Facebook Messenger. I discovered he was engaged, with his wedding imminent. I took the opportunity to come out to him, which actually took him by surprise, but he was very supportive. The last time I’d seen him was when I was 25, two years before I came out. We made tentative plans to meet up after his wedding, but then a week later he messaged me to say that there was enough space for me to come, if I was able. So, last night I saw my friend for the first time in 6 years, at his wedding. It was a very nice ceremony, and it was great seeing him again!

The second reconnection also occurred via Facebook. The friend in question was the former roommate of Ben, my ex-boyfriend. I’ve had minimal contact with this friend for the last 2.5 years, since it was just too hard to be in contact with him while the wounds from my breakup were still fresh. We happened to chat a bit on Facebook a few weeks ago, however, and I invited him to a show in LA in which I was performing. When opening night came along, there he was in the front row. He came along to the bar for drinks afterward, and I invited him to tag along to see a movie with me and my other friend last weekend. While I’ll admit seeing him again did dredge up a few painful feelings, it was mostly nice and by forming new memories with him I felt like I “reclaimed” him a bit from the past and from the strong association with Ben. It helps that they are no longer roommates, but I also think I really have grown and healed, which is wonderful to be able to say. Incidentally, I also share a love of STP’s music with this guy.

That’s it for the first lesson. On to lesson number two.

Lesson two: sometimes when you think there are only two possible outcomes from a situation, you’re wrong.

This lesson was taught through my interactions with Thomas last weekend.

As I’ve talked about in previous entries, I have developed pretty strong feelings for my friend Thomas. He’s the first guy since Ben that I’ve liked this much. We casually dated earlier this year when we first met, but he called things off because he thought I might be more “friend” material. I was quite disappointed at the time, and felt like circumstances (such as my unusually busy schedule at the time and the fact that one or both of us was sick most of the time we were seeing each other) had prevented us from taking things to the next level. After a bit of a hiatus, we reconnected and started hanging out again. Since then, I’ve shared a number of memorable experiences with him and have felt my feelings grow stronger. Once again, I found myself in a situation where a guy had friend zoned me when I felt we had a lot of potential. Since that is how my failed relationship with Ben had started, I at first thought the best course of action might be to just swallow my feelings and accept it. I figured if I persisted I would  either get rejected again, or have another short-lived relationship that ended in heartbreak and the loss of another great friend.

But the longer I tried to just be friends with Thomas, the more conflicted I felt. Eventually it reached the point where I knew I would have to be honest with him, even if it meant risking our friendship.

I was in LA last weekend, so I figured that would be the best opportunity to come clean. I came to support him at a performance, then hung out with him for a while afterward. Near the end of our meal, I opened up to him. I explained that though I greatly enjoyed our friendship, I also still had feelings for him that I was trying to reconcile. Leading up to this, I was mostly sure that he would tell me he just wanted friendship, with a small chance that he would reciprocate my feelings and we would be able to resume dating. This was basically me going in with extremely low expectations, to protect myself in case of rejection.

To my surprise, neither of those outcomes came to pass. Instead, he revealed that he actually would be open to dating again . . . except for the fact that he was seeing someone already . . . someone who he had been dating for a couple months already.

Having gone into the conversation with such low expectations, I was surprised to learn that Thomas did actually seem to have some feelings for me. It was timing, rather than me, that was the issue. After we talked a bit about the reasons he ended things before, he said that if for some reason things didn’t work out with the guy he’s currently seeing, he’d be open to dating again. It's an unusual situation, and I know better than to bank on him becoming single again. But the conversation still made me feel better, like my feelings were based on an actual connection and not just wishful thinking on my part. And the experience taught me yet another valuable lesson:

Lesson three: it pays to take a risk and follow your instincts, even if taking risks and following your instincts hasn’t always paid off in the past.

If I had acted on my instincts a couple months ago instead of allowing myself to be guarded and accepting defeat, things might have been different. Moving forward, I will do my best to not allow my experiences with Ben in the past to cause me to overthink things and become paralyzed.

Meanwhile, I’ve gone out a few times with a very nice guy who lives in my town. It’s still early to tell how much potential there is there, and my lingering feelings for Thomas are still a lingering issue, but I plan to see where it goes for now and not get too up in my head about it.

Men who should never be president

Politics is infuriating. It always is. This time around, I can honesty say I am scared for the future of the country. Seeing the cast of characters that call themselves presidential candidates . . . these are the people who are next in line to lead the nation. And while part of me doesn't believe that a bully like Donald Trump, or a nincompoop like Ben Carson, or a religious extremist like Mike Huckabee or Ted Cruz could ever be elected into the presidency . . . part of me is nervous. Especially after the events in Paris, when it becomes clear that fear causes people to base their decisions more on their emotions than on logic.

A recent event especially makes me sick. Kevin Swanson, a vehemently anti-gay preacher from Colorado, hosted an event called the "National Religious Liberties Conference" recently. At this event, Swanson gave a frighteningly unhinged performance onstage, during which he repeatedly reminded the audience that the Bible calls for the death penalty for homosexuality. And while he stopped short of advocating that we practice this in our country (he said gay people need time to "repent" first), his message was clear: gay people deserve to die. And in attendance at this hate rally? Three high-profile Republican presidential candidates: Mike Huckabee (the creator of Chick-Fil-A Appreciation Day a few years back), Bobby Jindal (who has since dropped out of the race), and Ted Cruz (who stated that anyone who doesn't "start the morning on his knees" and fear God is not fit to be president).

You can watch Rachel Maddow's coverage of the event here. It starts just before the 6:00 mark.

The threat from ISIS in the Middle East is truly terrifying. The fact that people exist in this world whose overwhelming belief in a twisted version of religion causes them to commit unspeakably evil acts gives me a feeling of dread in my stomach. And the fact that people like Kevin Swanson exist in our own country, can host events attended by serious presidential candidates, and largely escape the attention of the media at large gives me a very similar feeling of dread.

Until we can stop extremism in all its forms, irrational hate will continue to plague our species.

Fighting impostor syndrome or, Why I need a bigger bed

Second weekend in a row with some sexual escapades; go me I guess!.

I had a message on OkCupid yesterday from a guy who is new to the area. Young guy in his early/mid 20s. Though my experience with the last young guy is still pretty fresh on my mind, this one seemed like a nice guy, and he was keen to meet up.

Well let's just say that this was not a repeat of my experience with the last young guy. After a nice lunch date and a walk, he ends up coming back to my place and almost immediately gets naked (this after I told him that I usually take things slow and that puts me at odds with most guys . . . something he obviously did NOT take to heart, haha). I decide to just go with it, seeing as I've been telling myself I need to get more sexual experience anyway. Midway through our messing around he clarifies that he is not looking for a relationship, just a potential friend-with-benefits. While I don't have very much intrinsic interest in such an arrangement, it would be a good opportunity to get some more experience, so I say I'm open to it.

Our session was pretty fun. I admit, it went on a bit long and I started to just want to finish. But near the end, when our bodies were super sweaty and slippery (I have never had such a sweaty lovemaking session, haha) I had a period where I was getting pretty into it. The sensations were good, his passion was noticeable, and I was able to finish (which doesn't always happen, especially with a new guy). Sex is really something that I need to be put in the mood for, and I also need to try to stay focused during. Thoughts constantly try to invade while I am struggling to stay in the moment. But in this case, I felt like I was almost feeling what a sexual experience is supposed to feel like. At least, a hook-up type one. I'd still prefer to have feelings for the other person!

One thing that would make things better: a bigger bed. The size of my bed definitely became an impediment, partially because he's a bit bigger than me. It's something I've been thinking about, and this experience reinforced its importance.

One thing I liked about this guy was his communication style. Throughout he was telling me what he wanted and what felt good, and he was asking me the same. Communication is huge for me, so that was nice.

Overall if this guy sticks around (he sounded like he wanted to see me again, whether that was the truth we'll see) I can see myself fooling around more with him.

It might be good for me, because I've been struggling with a bit of what seems like gay man impostor syndrome. Since I don't have the level of intrinsic interest in sex with men that most gay guys seem to have, it makes me feel weird about calling myself gay sometimes. Yes, I know I have only dated guys and I masturbate to fantasies that involve men (albeit not exactly straight-forward sexual fantasies). But because I feel so out of my element in the bedroom, I can't help but feel weird about it. It's something I really need to work through, because I feel it is the number one thing that is preventing me from finding a relationship. I feel it's the missing piece with guys like Thomas who are otherwise a perfect match for me. Heck, maybe it had something to do with the lack of chemistry that Ben felt for me at the end of our relationship.

Do any of you out there ever feel like you don't fully deserve your gay card? How many sexual experiences did it take for you to finally feel "natural" in the bedroom?

Communication Breakdown

I've been feeling pretty good lately, despite the usual dating frustrations.

One recent good experience: YouTube Guy and his boyfriend came to SoCal to visit for Halloween. I had a great time with them, and they finally got to see one of my improv shows. I think seeing me in my artistic element helped YouTube Guy understand what I like about improv, how it helps me be present in the moment and get out of my head. He said that even being in the audience allowed him to unplug from the worries of life for a little while.

Overall their visit was greatly relaxing and lifted my spirits (which have already been decently high as of late).

On the dating front, I've started to ramp up my dating efforts again after taking some downtime following the last few disappointments. There's one guy in particular who lives near me that I've been getting to know. We had texted for a while and finally met up a few weeks ago. He seems like a really nice, considerate guy, which is nice. Consideration seems to be lacking lately from others.

This weekend especially, I experienced lack of consideration from multiple individuals:

Thomas. We had made plans to see a movie on Sunday. I was also hoping to finally have an opportunity to have the chat with him that I've been meaning to have, to clarify what happened between us. But when I texted him to confirm Saturday night, he told me he had to reschedule because a friend was in town. Why he waited for me to text him to tell me this, I don't know, but it rubbed me the wrong way.

Roger, my cousin. I was planning to hang out with him and stay over at his place in LA after going on a date in the area*. But all day long Roger was unresponsive via phone or text. I ended up making other plans**, and then had to drive home Saturday night instead of staying over in the city. Turns out he started partying early that morning, and was too . . . distracted to check his phone all day long. Here I was afraid that he was in trouble or something . . . anyway he contacted me the next day and was apologetic. But with the double whammy of that and Thomas's cancellation I was not feeling the love.

*So what about that LA date I went on? It was a guy from Tinder I'd been chatting with for quite some time. Super cute, and we had a nice conversation. We hung out for about 2 hours and had a lot in common. He walked me back to my car afterward and we parted ways (with me debating whether I should have kissed him . . .), but he said to hit him up next I was around. A couple days later, this guy who has been so responsive and friendly via text for the last several weeks is now rather unresponsive. What ever happened to guys saying "Sorry, I'm not interested?" Grow some balls fellas!

**And those other plans I made after my cousin flaked on me? Well I met up with another guy. Rather unusual for me to go straight from one date to another, but hey, I was in the city and this guy had been wanting to meet up for a while now. He wasn't really feeling up to going out, so I came over to his place. We watched a movie on TV, during which we chatted and cuddled, and then made out, and then jerked each other off. The whole time he seemed very interested, complimenting me on my body. And afterward he was talking about how next time he'd have to come to my neck of the woods. When we parted ways he asked me to text him when I got home. Well I did text him when I got home, and then again a few days later (today) to see how the rest of his weekend was. No answer.

It doesn't seem like it was always like this. I feel like when I first started dating a few years ago, it was the odd guy who would just plan disappear and give me the cold shoulder. Now it seems like nearly every guy is doing it. I don't know what's going on, but I don't like it. I pledge to never do that to someone. Letting the conversation fade out is one thing. But not responding to a message is just plain rude.

But at least I hadn't had time to develop feelings for either of those guys. My heart is becoming a little more resilient. I'll treat guys like that like pinball bumpers. They may jerk me around a little bit, but ultimately I'll just ricochet off with minimal momentum lost. Meanwhile, I'll be the change I want to see in the world. I won't use people like a means to an end, and if someone likes me I will not rudely give them the cold shoulder. As much as it can hurt to be rejected, being honest and direct is the grown-up, considerate way to be. I would rather someone tell me that it's not going to work out, and give a reason why so I can learn and grow. Because the only lesson I learn from the silent treatment is that the dating scene is full of assholes.

Hey, remember when I used to name my posts after song titles, and include the video for the song in question?

Thank you for being a pal

Another wonderful weekend spending time with Thomas. Uh oh. This time I didn't quite make it out without feeling down about it.

I enjoy hanging out with him so much. This is seriously Version 2.0 of my first relationship, at least so far. In that I met someone online, dated him for a a while, starting falling for him, got friend zoned, and now have been trying to navigate being friends while my feelings grow even stronger.

I know it's not sustainable. I figure I need to act sooner rather than later. It's not fair to either of us. So I'll probably try to hang out with him a lot less next weekend, and instead get coffee or something and have a chat so that we are on the same page.

I definitely got mixed messages from him over the weekend. On the one hand, he invited me to accompany him to all sorts of get-togethers. And we had dinner last night, just the two of us, in a very date-like atmosphere. And he gave me a kiss on the cheek when we parted ways on Saturday night.

BUT . . .

He jokingly called me a "cock-blocker" when he had to turn down a guy's offer to go for a walk at the beach because he was waiting for me to show up. And probably most damning of all, when we parted ways Sunday night he thanked me for hanging out and for being "such a pal." Then later that night after I texted him that I'd made it home safely, he reiterated his thanks and used the word "pal" again. Doesn't get much clearer than that.

So pretty much I am squarely in the friend zone, which is to be expected since I was . . . well . . . explicitly friend zoned earlier this year.

I just don't get how someone who I get along with SO well, who I have SO much in common with, who I share so many interests with, who shares my sense of humor . . . can fail to reciprocate my feelings. All that is enough for me to feel something, why isn't it enough for him?

Well, I do get it. I'm pretty sure he doubts our sexual chemistry. Because we didn't bump uglies when we were dating before. Nevermind that one or both of us was sick for most of that time.

I don't want to lose his friendship. Having him in my life makes me a happier person (well, except for today, haha). Finding a kindred spirit really makes you feel less alone in the world, you know?

BUT . . .

I felt the same way about Ben. And I was persistent in my pursuit of him. I did successfully have my first and only relationship because of my stubborn rejection of being friend-zoned. But ultimately I lost him completely from my life.

So I guess I'm just worried that history will continue to repeat itself. I know that just because something starts the same doesn't mean it will end the same. I guess I just need to tell him how I feel and hope for the best. Best scenario: he reciprocates. Okay scenario: he doesn't feel the same, but it doesn't affect our friendship in a negative way. Bad scenario: he doesn't feel the same and our friendship sours.

Guess I just gotta act. Any suggestions on how to bring it up, how to word it?

A great weekend and a growing friendship

I'd say I'm recovered from the disappointment that had me down when I wrote the last entry. Maybe I'm getting quicker at bouncing back? Maybe so.

I had an amazing weekend. I spent it in and around Los Angeles, hanging out with friends. I had lunch with my good friend Sam, my old "breakup buddy" who helped me cope with my breakup when I met him back in 2013. I hadn't seen him in several months, so it was good catching up. He's in a relationship now, and I'm extremely happy for him.

Much of the rest of the weekend I spent with Thomas. It hadn't been my original intention to spend so much time with him, but after we hung out as planned he invited me to several more events so I tagged along. I had a blast spending time with him, and I felt like we became closer friends. What's more, the experience did not make me sad at all (as you may recall, Thomas is the one I dated this year that I liked the most . . . he's the first guy since Ben that I liked to such a high degree). While I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish things could go somewhere beyond friendship with him, I've realized that I really enjoy his friendship as well, and if that's all I'll get then that's still a really good thing. He really is a joy to be around, and we have a lot in common, from a love of improv to interest in movies to the tendency to break out into song at the slightest provocation. Heck, even if all my dating exploits never result in a lasting boyfriend, friends like Thomas will still make it all worth it. Still . . . part of me wishes . . .

Meanwhile I'm chatting with several guys on Tinder, so I'm sure it won't be long before I go on some more dates. I think I'm becoming more comfortable with the sheer amount of dead ends that dating involves. For every great friend like Sam or Thomas that results from online dating, there's like 20 guys that go nowhere, whether they are duds from the first date, start promisingly and then suddenly do a 180 (like the guy who cooked for me) or just disappear entirely (like the young guy). I think for a long time I had trouble reconciling the inevitable high failure rate of dating with the fact that I had my first relationship with the second guy I went out with. For a long time I felt like it was because there was something broken in me. But really it's because I know what I want. I want someone that makes me excited, like Ben did, like Thomas did (does). I don't think it's unreasonable to hold out for that.

Though the fear of ending up alone does rear its ugly head more often than I'd like.

The pattern continues

Preparing for a venting post. I'm experiencing a bit of emotional whiplash at the moment. It's been a good month up until now, I swear! Ha ha.

Let me start at the beginning. A guy messaged me on Grindr a few weeks ago. Young guy, only 22. But cute, and with a nice profile. We chat a bit, and he seems really friendly and interested in talking with me. He asks me what I'm looking for, and I say "meeting new people for friends and dates," and he says the same. Turns out we share some common interests and he lives really close to my work, so we agree to meet up. My usual dating range is 5 years on either side of my age, but I figured why not? The guy seems nice.

I met up with him after work last week, and we had a great time. Really nice guy, and we got along well. I kissed him at the end of the date, and we made out and cuddled a bit in my car. The next day he texted me, expressing his interest in seeing me again.

Cut to this past Saturday. We meet up and go to a shopping center. Our chemistry is great, and we even walk around holding hands, which I've only done with a handful of guys. I suggest we ride a nearby ferris wheel, so we do. It's a very romantic ride, and we kiss some more as it goes around. We then grab drinks at a nearby bar and talk for quite a while.

Back to my car, where we make out for quite a while, and cuddle. He says that it's okay if my hands wander a bit lower, so I graze down there a bit. Still, since this is only our second date I don't want to go too far, but I do what I'm comfortable with. After a while it's late, so I drive him over to his car and we part ways. I make it clear that I look forward to seeing him again. We both seem to have had a great time. There was never a lull in the conversation or an awkward moment.

This time, no text the next day, but I think nothing of it. Monday comes around and I texted him, asking how the rest of his weekend was. No answer. 

Tuesday: nothing.

Wednesday: nothing. I texted him to say I hope he's doing well, and that I hope to see him again soon. No answer.

Aaaand now the ruminations start. As while I keep trying to give him the benefit of the doubt (maybe he's busy, maybe he's having phone trouble, etc), as time goes on it is seeming more and more like he is giving me the cold shoulder.

Personally, not responding to a text is one of my pet peeves. I think it is hugely disrespectful. The last guy to give me the silent treatment was "the guy who cooked for me", the summer crush who went away for two months and came back with no interest in meeting up again. I tried to keep in touch and he stopped responding after showing interest at first in hanging out again (and that guy stated in his Tinder profile that non-responders are one of HIS pet-peeves!)

I'm trying to buffer my disappointment, but each time it gets a little harder. Could it really be because I didn't take him back to my place? Could two awesome dates with great chemistry really mean nothing if he didn't get laid? Was it the same story with the guy from the summer (in that case it was three great dates). 

Is it so wrong for me to want to get to know a guy a bit (a bit meaning more than just two dates) before jumping into the bedroom? And if that's not what's going on, then what the hell could it be?

I need advice. Do you expect sex within the first 2-3 dates? If you really had a good time with a guy but you didn't end up in bed together after making out, would you take that to me a lack of sexual chemistry, or lack of interest on his part?

I really wish I knew what I was doing wrong. In 2013 and 2014 it was easy to blame my failures on still recovering from heartbreak. But all these disappointments in 2015 suggest there's something else going on. And I'd love it to be something I can fix, rather than something about me (i.e., not quick enough into the bedroom). 

Maybe I was right not to date guys in their early 20s. Even if they seem mature, maybe they really are just about sex.

But I'll keep chugging. Because that's all I can do.

Hopefully I'll update this in a few days with a "False Alarm! He was just busy and I got all bent out of shape for nothing!" post. But going off of past experience . . . I'm not holding my breath.

Gaybor Day Weekend

I had a really awesome Labor Day Weekend.

A friend from the past drove up from San Diego to spend it with me . . . it was my friend Ron, who I first met back in 2013. I hadn't seen him since I was last in San Diego in July 2014.

Ron is one of my favorite guys that I have dated. It was mostly the combination of the distance between us and his busy schedule that put the kabosh on us dating before. I still think about him periodically. Well, this weekend he came up and we did an LA weekend together. It was awesome, but it also kind of cemented us as just-friends.

We spent a lot of time with my cousin Roger, who is very comfortable being out and about by now. In fact, he got quite a bit of action over the weekend. First, he spent the night in a hotel room with Ron's flamboyant friend. Then he had a random guy come up to him at a bar in West Hollywood, and before you knew it they were kissing. The guy was really cute too!

Ron and I went shopping for clothes, which was nice. I got some new shirts, some dark jeans, and some new shoes. I hate clothes shopping, especially alone, so it was really nice to have someone there to provide advice.

We went out to the bars in West Hollywood two nights in a row, and stayed out quite late both nights. One night several of my friends met up with us, including El Genio from the blogs. It was so nice seeing him again!

The highlight of the weekend, and also the most emotionally complex experience, was when Ron and I met up with Thomas. Thomas, as you may recall, is the latest guy I had strong feelings for who friend zoned me. The three of us had a board game night, which was insanely fun. It also was, I noticed at one point, me hanging out with the two guys who I was most interested in dating over the past several years.

They are such cool guys and good friends. I just wish I could date one of them. Ron is pretty much out of the question now, as I opened up to him on the drive home from LA about my lingering feelings for Thomas. That and he is about twice as far away as Thomas is.

Thomas frustrates me. We get along SO well, we have so many things in common, and he is so frickin' attractive to me! But he ended things, and the last time I continued to pursue a guy after I was friend zoned . . . well, I did have my first relationship. But ultimately I got my heart broken. I like Thomas so much that I don't want to risk losing him as a friend. At the same time, I like him so much more than ever single other guy I've dated in the past several years! I guess the most aggravating thing is that we went out for two months, and he seemed legitimately interested at the beginning. So, I feel like I had a chance and blew it, which can feel worse than having never had a chance at all.

I am determined to pursue the friendship, because I really do feel like it would be a shame to lose him as a friend. At the same time, I'm conflicted about whether I should ever admit my feelings or just try to grow out of them.

I think what I need to work on is upping my flirtation game when dating. I know sexual energy doesn't come naturally to me, but I'm gonna have to learn to at least fake it somewhat if I want to stop getting friend zoned left and right. The next time a Thomas comes around, I don't want to miss my chance.

The Catfish Saga

So you know that weird muscle guy who was lecturing me about being shallow on Grindr? Things got weirder.

For the purposes of this story I'm going to use two pseudonyms to differentiate between the parties involved. Muscle Guy is the Grindr profile. Manny is the guy that I went out on three dates with that Muscle Guy claimed to have seen me with.

My first interaction with Muscle Guy was after Date 2 with Manny. That was the interaction I talked about in the last entry. Muscle Guy seemed to really be keen on convincing me to continue dating Manny, as well as lecturing me about the folly of dating for physical attraction. To the point where I thought, "What if this is actually Manny himself, and he's testing me to see how I act if an attractive guy messages me?"

However Manny seemed like a stand-up guy in person, so I banished those thoughts. Muscle Guy didn't show up again until about a week later . . .

On the same day that Manny had asked me to Date 3. A couple hours before the date I check Grindr and Muscle Guy messages me. Immediately he wants to know what I'm doing that night. I tell him I have dinner plans and he asks me to bail on them and go out with him instead. I tell him I can't. He asks me if my plans are a date or with a friend . . . I don't answer.

Date 3: My roommate suggests I check Grindr in the restaurant parking lot to see if Muscle Guy is close by (which would suggest he is really Manny). I do . . . and his profile has vanished, as well as our previous conversation. Weird.

I have an okay time with Manny, but several things bother me (in addition to my suspicion of a connection to Muscle Guy), including his refusal to let me pay for my dinner (he already paid for the first two dates, and I don't like being overly doted upon). He literally throws my credit card on the ground when I offer it. After dinner I tell him that I'm not really feeling the romantic energy between us. He is disappointed and immediately assumes it is about physical attraction. He talks about how members of his family that have very good long-term relationships did not base them on physical attraction.

While physical attraction was indeed an issue, I recognize that its not everything (that's why I gave it three dates). But at that point I just wasn't feeling enough of a connection. He took it well, or at least seemed to.

Later that night, Muscle Guy reappears and hits me up on Grindr, asking how dinner was. He then asks me if I'm still with "That guy," meaning Manny. I ask him how come. He responds "How come??" I answer, I just want to know why you're asking. He says, "I just don't want to be a hindrance." After I tell him I'm not seeing Manny anymore he asks what happened, so he knows if he "has a chance," but I decline to go into it.

Now I'm getting really suspicious and am pretty darn certain that Muscle Guy is really Manny himself, or at least a friend. I reverse image search the photos he sent, and it turns out they belong to a fitness model slash gay porn star.

A ha! Gotcha! Well maybe . . . I Facebook search the real model and it turns out . . . wait for it . . . he's friends with Manny on Facebook!

I try to play along to catch him in a lie. At one strange point in the conversation Muscle Guy dismisses himself to check on his "friend" who he is supposedly staying with while in town. Said "friend" is acting all depressed and annoying, he says. When he returns, he claims that his friend's mood is due to having had an "asshole date." 

I wrap up the convo with Muscle Guy, who I am at this point 100% sure is catfishing me, and I'm 90% sure it's Manny himself (the real model lives abroad). 

The only lingering questions: did Manny really think he was being sneaky? Also, what was all of Manny's emphasis on honesty in our conversations if he's impersonating one of his FB friends to "test" the guys he goes on dates with? Weeeeeird. 

Anyways, that was my experience with a catfish. I was so creeped out during that whole time. I hope the above made sense. If it comes across as confusing, well join the club! Let me know what you think about it, and if you feel (as I do) that the evidence points to Muscle Guy and Manny being one and the same.

Back to the Grind, for now

I took a long break from Grindr. About a year. I felt like it was contributing too much to compulsive checking, and all for very little return. However, I recently was traveling in Europe (yay!), and decided to download it again to try to meet local guys.

Well, I didn't meet any locals, but I did meet an Australian who was traveling (do Australians travel a lot, or what?) It turned out really well! He was a super nice guy and pretty cute, We hung out out for a good part of the day in Rome, had dinner together, and checked out the Roman gay scene. The scene wasn't much, just a couple bars that were pretty low energy . . . then again we went on a week night. The coolest thing about the bars is that they are located right next to the Colosseum. We overall had a great time, and we ended up making out a little bit at the end of the night before we parted ways. A romantic little Roman holiday. Maybe that is my version of a one night stand. Getting to know someone over a day, swapping stories and getting to know each other, having a nice dinner and drinks, and then kissing a bit. We didn't go any further because I had an early morning, but it was a nice experience. I know the lack of expectation that it could lead to anything long term probably helped me get out of my head. We're Facebook friends now.

I still have Grindr on my phone now that I'm home. It has led me to go on a couple dates with a new guy. Very interesting guy . . . very sweet and smart. Very successful. Great, fun personality. Also not the physical type I'm usually attracted to. I've been out with him twice. He's exactly the kind of guy that gets me stuck in my head. We click personality-wise pretty well. But I don't really feel the romantic energy, the base attraction. And that kind of thing just triggers and feeds my sexuality doubts.

Cut to tonight. I notice I got a message from a very attractive torso. Six pack abs, nice chest, the works. Not the kind of profile I usually get a message from. I hesitantly respond, and he answers quickly and seems nice and conversational. He also says that I look familiar. He asks me if I was on a date at the mall recently. I say yes, and he responds that he saw me with my date. He mentions how I looked happy, and asks if it is even worth it for him to pursue me. He sends me a face pic and he is smoking hot. I assure him that things are casual with the other guy, we've only been on two dates, and I am open to meeting others. The guy asks to see a body pic, so I send him the first one I can find, a shirtless pic of me at the beach. The guy then says, "I wish you the best with this guy."

Upon further inquiry he says that I'm not his type, he likes more muscle. This doesn't come as a surprise, frankly at this point I was surprised that such a buff, hot guy would express interest in the first place. He apologetically calls himself shallow (could he not tell I wasn't buff when he saw me at the mall?) He then starts to try to convince me to continue dating the other guy. He stresses the importance of finding someone who can make you laugh, and he brings up again how happy I seemed on my date (turns out he was the hot guy I noticed sitting at the table behind my date, lol) He tells me that looks fade, and that I should go for the guys that see beyond looks.

While a lot of what he says is good advice, his hypocrisy is of course rather striking. I suggest to him that he practice what he preach, reminding him that he just called himself shallow and rejected me based on my physique. He agrees but turns it back on me and even sends me a cartoon with the following text:

"God, why haven't you sent me a boyfriend? God replied: I did but you keep telling him 'No fats, no fems . . .'"

The whole time I can't believe I'm having this conversation. Here's a guy who talks about wanting to "pursue" me, then immediately changes his mind when he sees my body picture, then tries to convince me to marry another guy he saw me with and implies I'm shallow for not wanting to marry the guy after two dates. It was all just very . . . weird.

But it did get me thinking about attraction. It is frustrating how usually the guys that are the most into me are the ones that do little for me attraction-wise. And it's true, looks fade. But at the same time I date guys for a reason. Attraction, at least some basic level of it, is important. Heck, it's what I struggle with. Guys catch my eye all the time but the guys I go on dates with rarely have the same effect on me. And especially having had a boyfriend in the past who I did find attractive, it's hard to not want that again. I give guys a chance, even if attraction isn't quite there at the beginning. But ultimately, I don't think it's shallow to want to be attracted to your partner. It's why gay guys date guys in the first place.

Anyways, Grindr can definitely lead to meeting cool people, like my Australian friend. It can also lead to very weird conversations. Will I delete it again? Probably. But for now it's just another tool to meet people I might not otherwise. And get the occasional lecture about shallowness from a shallow muscle guy.

The More Things Change

Despite my focus on professional issues in the previous entry, I can't pretend that my personal life is not important. It is. Very important. It always has been. My sexuality confusion has defined and dominated the last decade in a way that I regret immensely. At the same time, you can't say that I haven't been proactive in trying to find a solution.

After years of trying to figure things out in the safety of my own room, I forced myself out there and started dating. I almost immediately got a relationship for my trouble, and for the better part of a year these issues started to decrease in intensity. They were still present, but I was happy enough that I finally felt like I was making progress.

Then it ended, and the issues came back with a vengeance, During that time I've dated a LOT. I've gone on so many first dates, and though I haven't had as many sexual experiences as many guys, I've had several. Still not anything beyond oral for the most part, but still . . . I'm a bit more experienced than I was starting out. But no one has come along and made me feel convinced that this was the right path for me. And that's what is so aggravating. Ben's not enough. One relationship could be a fluke.

I hear so many stories about guys coming out of the closet, and the first time they do something with a guy it just feels right. And sure, when I have a promising prospect like Thomas, it does relieve my anxiety a bit. But does it feel right? I just don't know. It seems like my lack of interest in actual sex is the common factor that has torpedoed my potential relationships with several good guys now. Our lack of good sexual chemistry was a major factor in Dean ending things. Things ended with the gaymer earlier this year after we fooled around (awkwardly). And Thomas, the best match I've found since I've been single again, cited our lack of bedroom play when he told me he thought of me as more of a friend (even though he never once invited me over, nor drove to my neck of the woods . . . where would we have done it Thomas, the car?) Not to mention the "guy who cooked for me" who went away from the summer. He came back . . . and responded to my text with a "I'm not in dating mode right now" explanation, along with an apology. This from a guy that was very interested after our first two dates! When did his interest seem to die off? Not after his trip . . . no, I can trace it to right before he left. Right after our third time seeing each other, during which I slept over at his place and we didn't do anything sexual.

I've gone on a couple dates with a guy who has an amazing personality. Seriously, this guy is cool. I'm also not particularly physically attracted to him. I also am not sure I'm comfortable being doted on like he seems to like doing. So this is not helping my current bout of confusion.

I guess I'm afraid I like guys more in theory than in practice. Sure, the hot ones are great to look at . . . but how does that translate to a relationship? If the kind of guy I'm interested in only comes around once in a blue moon, and then rejects me for not being into sex enough or not getting to it fast enough, then why am I even dating guys?

I know that a lot of this has to do with the fact that I don't have any prospects right now that I have interest in like I did with guys like Thomas and the flake who cooked for me. But still. I shouldn't have to actively be dating someone to feel (more) confident in my sexuality.

I honestly feel like I might just be alone forever. And I know that it's that feeling that makes it possible, but I can't control it.

So if I force myself to stop dating and focus on career, it might just be because I've given up on finding someone. Because if I have to be alone, I might as well try to do what I want.

I'm sorry for this Debbie Downer fest. I've just really been bothered by this lately. Too many disappointments in a row, and frustration over never seeming to be attracted to the guys that do like me. Then there's a (married) girl I know that I seem to be crushing on, to throw that into the mix.

Maybe I just want what I can't have, what seems unobtainable . . . before I came out guys seemed so desirable . . . now girls don't seem so bad. Oh that greener grass . . .

Accepting myself, forgiving myself

I created this blog and my original one so I could be completely open about the things that are troubling me. This has pretty much been dominated by two major topics: my personal life (including figuring out my sexuality and dating) and my professional life (primarily deciding on my career direction).

Other than a period during 2010 when I wrote about struggling over the decision to go to grad school or not, I haven't really talked much about my career concerns on this blog. I think a major reason for this is . . . shame. Yep, the same reason I had never discussed my peculiar sexual fetish until recently has kept me from discussing career concerns. Which is stupid. This is an anonymous blog. The purpose of said blog is to help me work through my issues! Who cares if the same issues carry on over a long time? Keeping them to myself is counter-productive . . . that's why I started blogging!

Yeah, that's the reason why I feel shame. Because I feel like I'm still dealing with very similar issues to those I was dealing with five years ago, and for that matter five years before that.

But the thing I try to remind myself of: I'm not unusual. PLENTY of people are struggling to find their place in the world. Plenty of people feel like they could be doing more with their lives. Plenty of people feel stuck.

When I graduated from college, I took out a notebook and made a Pros/Cons table. On one side of the table was "PhD." On the other side was "MD." Those were the only two options I allowed myself. I found that notebook today while I was going through boxes preparing for a move.

In many ways I was a different person then. Yet I STILL feel, at least on some level, like a little bit of a failure for having not gone down one of those paths. The thing is, neither of them was a path that I felt passionate about. Both of them required a huge up-front commitment and sacrifices that I just did not feel were worth the prizes at the end.

What I would really like is to learn to accept myself and forgive myself. To stop feeling like I failed by not choosing the MD or PhD path.

There's a positive way of looking at my choices, and a negative way.

Negative way: You are lazy and fearful. You have let fear and your risk aversion control your life and keep you from achieving the level of success you're capable of. You've focused on and prioritized personal issues, which will keep you mediocre. Your search for your life's passion will prove fruitless as you're chasing after a mirage.

Positive way: You have grown and learned much from your experiences and you are still learning and growing. You are living a more authentic life now by making room for your interests and rightfully prioritizing your personal life (because it has meaning to you). You will not be mediocre, because you CARE. PhD and MD are not the be-all end-all to success, and success itself is relative anyway. True success is found by living an authentic life. Not by forcing yourself into competitive high-level career paths that do not speak to your heart.

I want to fully believe in the latter. But exorcising the former is difficult at times. My mood seems to correlate with how much I've internalized the Positive Way at any given time.

It's important for me to make progress in this realm of my life. In fact, I've decided that it should be my Number One priority. I have not achieved a lasting relationship in the last three years despite all of my efforts and time that I've put towards dating. I think focusing on myself, my career, and my life in general are more likely to help me get the relationship I want than focusing on meeting guy after guy. I need to become the kind of guy that any other guy would feel grateful to be able to date. And I'll do that by working on becoming more fulfilled in the other realms of my life.

Not to say I'm going to stop dating. I'll still date. But it can't be my primary focus. There's more work to be done.

Not so weird

I'm curious as to what people think of my previous entry . . . it was definitely one of my most personal. I was inspired to come clean by YouTube user "Adorkable," a gay guy who has talked on his channel about having a transformation fetish. 

I tell ya, it is liberating to feel like you're not as weird as you thought you were. Between reading more about that, and finding Emily Nagoski's blog, I'm feeling more comfortable with my sexuality than I can remember.

Here is another article where she talks about spontaneous vs. responsive desire, and the results of society's glorification of the former and misunderstanding of the latter. 

http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2010/02/27/do-you-know-when-you-want-it/

What she says about responsive desire strikes a chord with me. Doesn't randomly want sex? Check. Would be fine with having sex once a week or less? Check. Able to get aroused in the appropriate context? Check.

I had a date with a guy in LA last night. He was quite cute and really nice, and I related to him quite a bit with his coming out story. We kissed before parting ways, and that woke me up downstairs. Meanwhile, watching Magic Mike with my cousin on the 4th of July, though very pleasurable to the senses, noticeably didn't leave me feeling aroused. Old Cal might have started over thinking that and wondering how he could really be gay if Channing Tatum gyrating couldn't give him a boner. But now that I've had a bit of a paradigm shift, I realize that not all gay guys are the same. Sure, the majority of them might be horn dogs (as with the majority of men), but not all. 

I had breakfast with Thomas for the first time since he ended things. I want to keep him as a friend, especially seeing as how we really never got very serious. Damn do I still like him though! We had a great conversation and I was reminded of how I relate to him in so many ways. But, I have learned from past experience that when a guy says he doesn't want to date, you have to believe him. Because even if pushing the issue got me a relationship, it would not be a relationship with a very strong foundation. And I really don't need Ben 2.0. 

Speaking of Ben, my cousin Roger made the questionable decision to remind me of Ben's birthday recently. What can I say, Roger is not always the most tactful (he's the one who semi-inadvertently outed me to my aunt and uncle after all). I successfully resisted any and all urges to reach out to my ex, so yay for me. But then later that day, as I was hiking with a friend, I saw a guy who looked very much like Ben. For a moment I thought it was actually him. And in that moment I got a little preview of what actually running into him would feel like. Let me tell you, it was not pleasant. Kind of like having an ice cream headache in my whole body. So yeah, that specter still haunts me. But, I've learned that it's something I just have to live with. Getting over a lost love has some active elements, but it's primarily a passive process it seems.

As addicted as I seem to be to dating, I'm beginning to feel the clock tick again on career issues. Though my job is decent (and better than the job I had during my acute career crisis several years ago), I still have the nagging feeling that I should be doing more with my life. I just keep having the fear that changing paths will adversely affect my ability to have a relationship. It seems my greatest fear is being alone, and that fear affects my life choices a lot more than it should. But then again, I've kept my current job that leaves me plenty of time to date, and what relationship do I have to show for it? I'm taking baby steps to figure these things out, but I just feel like my youth is running out. A big change or risk is going to have to happen at some point.

Even with these concerns, I know I'm not alone. They are concerns and worries that plenty of people have. I just hope as I look back at this time in my life 20 years from now, I will be looking back from a place of contentment.

Big reveal

I've been blogging for years, and one of the primary topics of this blog and my other one has been my journey toward figuring out my sexuality. However, there is a missing piece of the puzzle, and I don't think I have ever discussed it before. Why? I admit it. Because it's unusual. As hard as it was to come to terms with being attracted to men, it was at least something that was widespread in society. Unusual fetishes on the other hand . . . well thankfully because of the internet I know I am not alone in that respect either.

There is an unusual fetish that nonetheless has a presence on certain internet communities. It is known as a transformation fetish.

Transformation fetishists are aroused by depictions or descriptions of transformation. Who is doing the transforming and what they are transforming into varies. Some people get off on transgender transformations, or depictions/descriptions of men turning into women and vice versa. Others like age progression/regression. Others like transformations into animals, statues, objects . . . what have you.

For me, over the years I have managed to break down the elements of a transformation that I find erotic. At this point it is clear to me what kind of transformation does it for me and what kind doesn't. Male to female, for example, doesn't. Human to small animal or statue? Nope.

A transformation needs the following elements to get me hot and bothered:

1. It needs to be involuntary, brought on by something outside the character. This might be why the "Animorphs" book series never really did anything for me in that way. The characters could turn into animals at will. Well, that and also the next item . . .

2. It needs to involve an enhancement of masculine characteristics. Physically that usually means increased musculature. If this comes with stereotypical masculine personality changes (aggression, confidence, sexual drive), all the better. So a cartoon with a man being changed into a frog probably won't interest me. But an episode of the Aladdin cartoon show where Aladdin is transformed into a vicious shark? Ding.

3. The scenario is further enhanced if there is an element of mind control. So stories that mix transformation with hypnosis are extra interesting.

4. While POOF type instantaneous transformations are okay, it's much better if the transformation is slow and detailed. Taylor Lautner in Twilight? Meh. David Naughton in An American Werewolf in London. Woof.

This fetish has long been a source of shame for me. Having been a very conservative, withdrawn, goody-two shoes growing up, that doesn't come as much of a surprise.

My earliest transformation-related memories are dreams that I had when I was very young. Dreams of being forcibly changed into various creatures might be horrific for some kids, but I liked them. I also remember various cartoons with transformations in them, such as the aforementioned Aladdin cartoon, Conan the Adventurer, and many others.

When I was a teenager I had a fascination with werewolves. This makes sense, as werewolves meet all of the above criteria. In fact, the transformation scene in An American Werewolf in London is one of my first memories of getting aroused by external stimuli.

That was what turned me on in my teenage years. As it was something I was ashamed of, I naturally suppressed it. I remember one time I printed out an image of myself as a merman . . . that did not go over well with my parents.

Despite my embarrassment I would still entertain my interest now and then. I would seek out transformation related media wherever I could, particularly anything werewolf related. I discovered the Transformation Story Archive online, which paved the way to me discovering that there was actually an online community of transformation fetishists. The revelation that there were actually others with the same or a similar fetish was huge. It made me feel much less like a freak, though I was still not to the point where I was comfortable sharing my fetish with anyone.

I think part of the reason was because I was uncomfortable with some of the overlap of my fetish with other unusual fetishes. Because some of the scenarios that aroused me involved animal transformations, I was afraid that I was on a slippery slope toward bestiality. I also discovered the furry community online, since there is some overlap between them and the transformation fetish community. I was not into that at all. and (apologies to any furries), the idea pretty much repulsed me.

Then, as I began to acknowledge feelings I had for certain guys in college, I began to look at my fetish in a new light. Perhaps, in a way, I was using my fetish to mask my latent homosexuality? That's when I realized the importance of masculine characteristics in the stories that I found most arousing.

The first big step toward self-acceptance was opening up about my fetish in therapy. The next big step was telling the first non-therapist, who was my ex-boyfriend Ben. When I told him, he treated it as a non-issue, and even good-naturedly observed "Oh, so that's why you're a fan of that Teen Wolf show." His effortless acceptance was greatly validating.

After he dumped me and jettisoned me from his life it took a while to feel safe enough to tell another person, but eventually I opened up to a few of my closest friends and a couple of my cousins. Recently I had a rather in-depth discussion about it with my friend Jack (YouTube guy's boyfriend), and even shared with him some of the stories from one of my favorite websites.

In recent years, as I have accepted my attraction to men, my interest in werewolves has waned. Instead, I tend to read transformation stories with much more explicit gay overtones. The stories usually involve muscle growth and sometimes even straight-to-gay transformations. Even within such stories, however, I run into elements that don't do it for me, which reminds me that everyone has their own idiosyncratic kinks.

Since this fetish was pretty much the only thing that would get me aroused during my formative years, I naturally had a difficult time figuring out whether to date men or women. Even when I finally allowed for the possibility of being gay, I still had a hard time feeling truly "turned on" by guys. I don't fetishize genitalia like some people seem to do. Porn has never done much for me. I guess my goal recently has been to try to find where my fetish has the most overlap with reality (since the possibility of dating a werewolf or The Hulk is slim). Ideally I'd like to be able to tap into what turns me on the most so that I can properly perform with a sexual partner. I know some people use role play. Maybe I will try that someday.  

Anyways, I thought it was important to finally address this subject, since it is an element of what makes me who I am and has also complicated my sex/dating life. Has anyone heard of the transformation fetish before (or have it themselves?) What unusual kinks do you have?

Desire

Hello all!

I'm trying to write more regularly, in general. This blog is only one of several different writing "projects" I currently have. I've started another blog for more general subjects of my interest, such as nerding out over rock music. I've only written a couple entries, but I'm thinking of linking to that one on my Facebook. Thus I would have this anonymous one, and that one would be accessible to my social network. I also have a book called "642 Things to Write About," which includes a whole lot of random writing prompts, some autobiographical and some fiction. Then there's the online novel writing class that I impulsively purchased on Groupon a while back. I haven't activated it yet because once you do you have a year to complete the class. The coupon expires in September though so I'll have to act soon.

Next, a big thank you to TwoLives for your very kind comment on the last entry. I'm not sure whether a relationship is in the cards in the next six months or not, but I definitely appreciate the sentiment. Ever since Thomas ended things and the other guy went away for the summer I've been kind of down about dating. As usual, with the lack of prospects comes the sexuality doubts, second guessing and ruminations. There was even a period where I was greatly missing my ex-boyfriend Ben. My first reaction to that was to berate myself for still feeling sad about a relationship that ended more than two years ago, but then I took the more healthy approach of self acceptance. Sometimes it seems I have to constantly remind myself that my relationship represented a lot more to me than just a romantic fling, and that I shouldn't beat myself up whenever I get down about it. Recovery does not occur in a linear fashion after all. There will always be peaks and valleys, the valleys just get less numerous over time. And they have.

A little while ago I found an interesting blog post at this link  http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2014/06/16/i-drew-this-graph-about-sexual-desire-and-i-think-it-might-change-your-life/

The blog belongs to a PhD who studies human sexuality. Basically she distinguishes between two varieties of sexual desire: spontaneous and responsive. Spontaneous desire is the kind that we often think of in the stereotypical man or in people with a high sex drive. The feeling of "horniness," the type of desire that seemingly comes from nowhere.

Then there's responsive desire, which many tend to assign to women or those with a low sex drive. This kind of desire is a lot more context-dependent. It happens when things "feel right."

According to the blog post, as one would expect, spontaneous desire is more common in men and responsive desire is more common in women. However, a small percentage of guys (5% or so), experience primarily responsive desire. To me this seems like another way of describing so-called "demisexuality," which has been one of the few sexual orientation terms that has seemed to describe me. Basically, those who identify as demisexual do not really experience sexual desire unless they find themselves in the appropriate context. Usually the prerequisites are some sort of affection or intimacy with another person.

Hearing about something that resembles my experience in this new way is quite validating. Unfortunately, being one of the 5% of guys that does not really experience spontaneous desire makes it hard to date other guys. Thomas ended our dating relationship, telling me that though he really liked spending time with me he thought of me as more like a friend. I can't help but wonder whether my desire patterns contributed to that. On the other side of the coin, the guy I met at the bar during Pride was all up in my business and wanted to get down and dirty in the restroom. Even though he has been sweet since then, that initial experience has colored my perception of him a bit and made me wonder whether he'd be too sexually driven for me.

Then there's the fact that I just don't find myself attracted to very many guys. There are times when I'm swiping on Tinder that I begin to wonder how gay I really am, since most guys do nothing for me. But I guess it's the same for a lot of people.

Anyways, I'd like to think you're right TwoLives. I would love to have a mutually loving relationship so that I can finally forget Ben, Dean, Thomas, and all the other disappointments and build a life with someone. When it comes, it comes. I can wait, my only hope is that it will in fact come.

And with that, a throw back to the trend on my previous blog of naming postings after song titles, and including the video!

The plot thickens, as usual

It's been a confusing couple of weeks on the romantic front.

I'm still dealing with the disappointment of losing Thomas. It's amazing how much he crept into my heart, even though we never got intimate other than a little kissing. It's striking how much I liked him. If only he had lived closer, or been more comfortable driving. He expressed interest in being friends, and I told him I'd like it too but would need some downtime first. On a whim I had asked him if he'd be willing to have more of a conversation about what happened, since he ended things while I was double parked dropping him off at his car. He said he'd absolutely be down for that. I'm still on the fence about whether such a conversation would be a good idea or not. I know "closure" is an elusive thing, but I'm having some major self-blame going on and would kind of like to talk through it a bit. The first phone debriefing I had with Ben post-relationship seemed to help at the time (though that help was undone by subsequent events). I don't know.

As for the new guy, the one who cooked for me . . . well things got real complicated real fast. He's spending 2 months this summer out of state. The reality of this situation dawned on him after the third time we got together (for a cuddle session and sleep over). He had to cancel our fourth date plans because of a family get-together, and then sent me a lengthy text. In it he explained that he thought I was very sweet and was happy to be getting to know me, but felt like he just didn't have time to date before his departure (it was a week and a half, including a long weekend he was going to be out of town). He apologized and admitted that he should have thought of his impending departure before he agreed to meet up with me the first time. He asked if we could kind of put things on hold and then pick up when he gets back.

I'm certainly sympathetic . . . it's a difficult situation. I told him I would be okay with that. But the thing is, he has pretty much cut off communication (as in, he isn't initiating contact . . . he'll still respond if I do). I don't think he was making excuses because he made a big deal about how much he dislikes flaky guys, and he's always responsive to my texts. I'm confident that if he really had changed his mind about me he would tell me the truth. At the same time, it's weird to just pretend nothing ever happened and plan to have a total reset two months from now. Part of me feels like if he was really interested he would at least be checking in a little bit before his departure! That he would have taken me up on my offer for one last meet up so I could give him a goodbye kiss! I don't know. He seems very set on doing things the right way. He said it didn't feel right to him to start something right before leaving. So my approach is just trying to put him out of my mind, act as if things are over . . . and then see what happens two months from now.

I'm enjoying talking to guys on Tinder again, despite a little bit of resurgence of sexuality doubts (they spring up now and again, my OCD tendencies perhaps). I went to LA Pride over the weekend. Through the connections with my gay cousin Roger I actually marched in the parade . . . and that's not all. I actually ended up (after some convincing) wearing a colorful headdress with him and carrying a banner in front of the group we were marching with. Never thought I would do something like that!

After the parade we were hitting up bars and I was getting more and more tipsy. We wound up in the bar called Mickey's and I was scanning the dance floor for cute guys. One caught my eye for a while, but my interest waned when I saw him light up (smoking is a major turn off for me). Then all of a sudden, a guy comes over and starts dancing with me. Before I know it we are making out. And he is going to town. Kissing, biting, giving me a hickey (which remained and got spotted by a coworker this week), and even groping me in the middle of the frickin' bar. Let me tell you, I would NOT have been okay with that if I had been sober. But I was drunk and lonely, so I let it slide. He ended up hanging out the rest of the night with me, my cousin and our other companion (who had his eyes on my cousin). He tried to get me to go back to his place (actually his first suggestion was the bathroom), but even drunk I wouldn't do something like that.

The thing is, this guy wasn't just horny. He really liked me. He got my number and texted me the next day. He was super sweet, so I agreed to have dinner with him this week. We had a nice time. He's a nice guy, we had decent conversation and he seems very into me. And I'm a little uncomfortable . . . I'm not sure why. He's not quite the type I'm usually attracted too, but he's got a bit of cuteness to him. He's going out of town for 2 weeks so that gives me some time to think. 

I'm wondering whether I have the tendency to freak out when someone is into me. Perhaps I prefer being the pursuer. I don't know. I'm worried about hurting this guy. I'm also worried about not giving him enough of a chance, since he is sweet and actually IS willing to drive to me, unlike Thomas.

Big info dump! Haha. As you can tell there's a lot on my mind! Dating is so complicated, it's nice to have this place to vent. Feel free to weigh in on any or all of what I've written.

Have a great day everyone! 

A bittersweet weekend, and a new guy

Thanks to TwoLives for the comment on the last post.

Well, it's over with this guy. I'll call him Thomas. He deserves a pseudonym since he was such a memorable one.

We missed a weekend since we were both traveling for Memorial Day. Over this past weekend we hung out both Saturday and Sunday. I had an amazing time. We went out to eat, checked out a beautiful historic house/museum, saw an improv show together . . . and then he initiated a talk. For the first time. At first I had a little glimmer of hope. Was this going to be a "I really like you and I'm ready to get a little more intimate/serious talk?" I felt the chances were good seeing as how he had agreed to spend so much time with me, and we'd had such a great time. I went first, and emphasized how much I liked him. Then he spoke . . . and told me he has come to think of me as more of a friend.

He mentioned how we'd been going out for nearly two months and hadn't done anything in the bedroom. I pointed out that one or both of us was sick for nearly half the time we'd been seeing each other, which may have affected our momentum. There also was really no opportunity for it. He admitted that he could have invited me over to his place but never did. My place wasn't an option because he never offered to drive to my neck of the woods. I told him that his reluctance to drive to me had been a worry for me, and he said that though it may be a bit selfish, he just really doesn't like to drive.

And so that's it. The guy I've been the most excited about in two years is dumping me because he doesn't like to drive, and because my keeping my distance so as not to get him sick made him cease to see me as a romantic prospect (talk about nice guys finishing last . . .) I know realistically he may still need time to emotionally move on from his 8 year relationship. But it's still so frustrating! He really had me falling for him. His eyes were beautiful, his smile adorable, his personality charming, his presence so calming. We could talk for hours, which is a big deal for me. In a follow up text after I got home he complimented me for being such a "good conversationalist." All that time spent together and that's all he could see in me? It's a wonder we lasted so long.

Silver lining: I actually went on a first date last week, since I sensed that things were in the danger zone with Thomas. The date went really well, and the second date was last night. I went over to the guy's place and he cooked. It was delicious, and we had a great time. We also made out a lot. It was clear that he kind of wanted to go further, but he stopped himself. He clearly wants to take things a little slow (but not too slow). But he has made no secret of the fact that he likes me and is very impressed by me. He is also very handsome himself. More feminine than I would usually be attracted to, but in this case it somehow enhances his attractiveness. And you know what? I like not having to wonder about what the other guy thinks of me.

That second date has given me a much needed buffer to keep my spirits high after the disappointment with Thomas. It will still be a little while before I'm over that one though, and I hope it doesn't affect what I have going with this new guy. I'm going to keep my distance from Thomas for a while. If friendship is possible it's the only way, as I once learned the hard way.

In other news, I met a fellow blogger, Aek of The Masks We Wear, for the first time in person. Very nice guy and he came to see me perform improv. So great to finally meet him :)

Hoping to avoid déjà vu

Hey all,

I'm still around. Things have been going pretty well lately. Work is good, improv is good, and I've been dating a guy I really like. In fact, he's probably the guy I've liked the most in the last two years. Super cute, common interests, similar personality, very nice and funny. But I feel the demons of the past affecting me and I'm trying to fight it. The problem is this guy is into taking things slow. For several weeks we were taking turns being sick so that added to the slowness. But now we're better and I still feel we're not progressing much. And this coming from a guy that prefers to take things slow. I was looking forward to finally being able to kiss him on the mouth again after being sick, but he only gave me a quick little kiss. Sometimes he'll call me "stud" or "baby" in his texts, other times it's "dude" or "man." I just don't want Ben Part 2, so I'm very wary about moving forward if there's ANY sign of ambivalence on his part. I know he got out of an 8-year relationship a little more than a year ago so I've been cutting him slack. At the same time, I feel like I am doing all of the flirting, complimenting, etc. And I've been on the other end so I know how mixed feelings translates into mixed messages. He is good about texting me everyday if I don't text first, but other than that I am the initiator of pretty much everything. It pains me because I really like this guy! The compatibility and personality "clicking" is to a level I haven't felt since . . . a long time ago. Part of me is worried that our momentum was lost by me being sick so long (longer than usual, it was like two and a half weeks) since I had to keep him at arm's length. If he's just another avoidant who's going to give me mixed messages, follow my lead for a while and then cut me out when I cease being exciting and new then I don't want to get invested. But I also don't want to assume that he would do that, because everyone is different (and he seems a lot less impulsive and conflicted then my ex.)

So I guess I'm just trying to strike a balance between learning from the past and not punishing a new guy for someone else's bad behavior.

I read an article at one point about the rule of Hell Yes. Well, in the article it was F*** Yes but you get the idea. The author argued that you should only date someone if they make you say "Hell Yes" and you make them say it too. If I were to follow that rule then it's already too late because I clearly haven't made this guy say Hell Yes.

And yes, we did have a "Where is this going" conversation at about the one month mark. He said he likes me but just wants to take things slow. That was a few weeks ago.

Also, he lives an hour from me (like many guys I date do, it seems). So I've only been seeing him on weekends.

Questions: Do you agree that we both should be saying "Hell yes" at this point? How do I up the ante without pushing him away by being too needy/anxious/pushy? 

All-American Boy

Has anyone heard of Steve Grand?

He's the Chicago-born gay singer that the media labeled "the first out gay country singer" back when his first music video for "All-American Boy" went viral in the summer of 2013. He never used the "country" label himself, although the song and video definitely had a bit of a country vibe to it. I was quite impressed by the video at the time. Part of that was Steve's looks of course. He is super hunky, with a near perfect physique (he used to model and his underwear pics are all over the internet). The other part, however, was that the song was actually damn catchy!

Then he released a second song, called "Stay." I liked that one even more! Super catchy, and I knew that this was a singer to watch. So when he started a Kickstarter campaign to fund his debut album, I made sure to contribute. The campaign was a record setter, surpassing his $81,000 goal in a single day and amassing a total of more than $300,000 by the time the campaign was closed. It was one of the most successful music campaigns in Kickstarter history.

It has taken awhile, but I have finally received my Kickstarter rewards, including a handwritten thank you note and a signed copy of the album itself! I am quite impressed with the album. And it turns out I haven't quite made the switch to country, as the album really is more of a rock album than anything else. Some songs have a bit of a country vibe, but others are straight forward rock, and one song in particular ("We Are the Night") is straight up Gaga-esque dance pop. It's pretty much Grand's "Born This Way."

So if you want to pick up an album full of great, catchy songs song by a gay dreamboat, I highly recommend All-American Boy :)

Here's the song "Stay", which I can't get enough of.

Cal's still here

Yep, I've definitely fallen off blogging again.

When I started this new blog I was all determined to start writing a lot more regularly. It didn't quite happen.

Perhaps one reason is, even though I was trying to move forward from the "All Mixed Up" version of Cal, over the past couple months I feel like I've sort of slid back into it. Once again the inner critic is becoming extremely vocal. The anxiety is rising. The ruminations growing. The career questions returning. The longing for my former relationship, which is now more than 2 years dead, resuming.

Maybe it's embarrassment? I want this to be the story of a guy who starts out hopelessly lost and confused, but gradually finds himself and builds the life of his dreams. I don't want it to be the story of a guy who keeps running in circles in his own mind, beating the same couple of issues to death over and over and over again.

At the same time, I know that what I should be aiming for in my writing is authenticity. Regardless of how frustrating and repetitive my issues are for me, they are still real.

The latest back slide was exacerbated by the guy that I've been going out with for the past month and a half or so. He's a really nice, cute guy who one might call a gaymer. We get along very well, have quite a number of things in common, and generally enjoy each others' company. However, over the past week I started to sense what could be a pulling away on his part. Knowing from past experience the consequences of ignoring such feelings, I decided to ask him at lunch over the weekend what his thoughts were about us. He told me he'd like to keep seeing each other for now, but he's not quite sure of our chemistry.

And there it is, that word that keeps sabotaging my most promising relationships. Chemistry was what my ex Ben cited as a problem, and it was also apparently something that Dean found lacking (in bed at least). The fact that this keeps happening leads me to two possibilities: 1) There is an epidemic among gay men of holding out for some elusive "feeling" at the expense of things like compatibility, similarity, etc. 2) There is something about me that is blocking guys from feeling chemistry with me.

Maybe it's my less-than-average sexual drive. Or maybe I'm still too guarded because of my bad experience (obviously that doesn't explain my ex, only the guys since). Or maybe it is just the luck of the draw. Whatever it is I'm afraid of getting trapped in a vicious cycle, where each subsequent failure makes me lose more hope, and thus have an even harder time connecting with romantic prospects. I've got to break the cycle somehow.

I've set up a phone consultation with a therapist based in San Francisco that specializes in gay male relationships. A lot of things on his website resonated with me. I know that a lot of my problems are in my head. By continuing to idealize my old relationship and allowing myself to lose hope, I'm setting myself up for failure. I've got to learn not to depend on finding someone. I've got to learn how to be happy on my own.

I'm reading a book called "Stumbling on Happiness" by Daniel Gilbert, a psychologist at Harvard. It's very interesting so far, though I'm not very far into it. Basically, it's about how human beings really aren't good about predicting what will make them happy.

I'd love to stumble in the right direction soon!

The story of Dean

Another long gap between entries.

Happy New Year everyone!

First of all the topics that were on my mind that I eluded to last time.

One topic was Dean. I wanted to talk about my burgeoning relationship with him. Well, now that's over. Overall we dated from October to December. We didn't see each other much because he lived a bit far away and was very busy with work and his extremely active social life. At the same time, I did manage to have some really cool, memorable experiences with him. He worked in entertainment, which meant I got to hang out with other people in the industry such as writers and executives. I even got to meet a couple of actors and attend an exclusive holiday party for a production company. So that was cool.

Ultimately, both Dean and I had some issues with the relationship. For me, the feelings weren't quite where they should be. I was giving it time, since I felt like with all the December parties and everything, we really hadn't gotten enough time to get to know each other one-on-one. For Dean, however, there were other issues. Ultimately, he felt like we were at different stages in life, which is true. He has an established, successful, high status career. While I'm doing alright professionally, having gotten a promotion not too long ago, it's not exactly my passion and I'm not sure it's where I want to stay. Mostly, the issue is that he's ready to settle down and have a family and he felt I wasn't quite there yet. He's probably right.

Another issue that Dean had was sex. The issue that I've feared would come up ever since I started dating. He detected early on that my sex drive wasn't very high. I alleviated his concerns for a while after I explained that it wasn't that I don't like sex, it's just that I'm not particularly driven to have it. We never got so far as to doing anal. He called himself a top, though he claimed he'd be willing to be more versatile in a relationship. Having never done it myself, I still don't know exactly what role I'd prefer. I tend to think I'd prefer just being versatile, since I'm not really comfortable defining myself with a label. And yet, part of me wonders whether I do prefer to be the more "masculine," dominant one. In any case, the sexual chemistry just wasn't there. I'm not sure I've really even felt "sexual chemistry" before. I'm hoping I can have it with someone, being the way I am.

Trouble became first apparent when Dean effectively uninvited me to a resort he was going to for a couple days. He claimed he needed some alone time. This was when I was in the Midwest for Christmas. When I got back to California, we spoke on the phone and he explained that he felt we just weren't going to work out. I told him I preferred an in-person conversation before we totally ended it, and he agreed. The next time I was in LA at my cousin's house he stopped by and we talked in his car for a while. We each explained how we felt about the dating relationship we had had. I told him the feelings hadn't been quite there for me yet, but I had been hoping we'd have more time to get to know each other. He told me his reasons for ending things. He very kindly told me I was the nicest guy he had ever dated, and insisted that he'd still love to hang out with me whenever I'm in his neck of the woods. We parted with a hug, on good terms.

I really wasn't sad about it ending. Yes, I'd had good times with him, but the feelings just weren't there and the chemistry just wasn't as good as I'd like it to have been.

I must admit, certain requests that I made of him while we were dating, such as asking if we could talk on the phone more often or whether we could go hiking or biking sometime, were attempts to make our relationship more like the one I used to have. Those are things I really miss. I don't think it's wrong to want those things, right? They shouldn't be off the table just because they are things I did with my ex. I just want to make sure I don't try to mold a guy into an ex-approximation, because that's a recipe for disaster.

My relationship with Dean had one casualty: I lost my friendship with the Turkish guy I've known since summer. As soon as he found out I was seeing someone he had a little bit of a fit and told me we couldn't be friends. Turns out his feelings for me were still very strong even after I had friend-zoned him. Apparently I was the first guy he'd had such strong feelings for, the one who convinced him he could feel that way for a guy (so I was his Ben . . . great). It's probably for the best, though, since I just really didn't feel the same way.