The plot thickens, as usual

It's been a confusing couple of weeks on the romantic front.

I'm still dealing with the disappointment of losing Thomas. It's amazing how much he crept into my heart, even though we never got intimate other than a little kissing. It's striking how much I liked him. If only he had lived closer, or been more comfortable driving. He expressed interest in being friends, and I told him I'd like it too but would need some downtime first. On a whim I had asked him if he'd be willing to have more of a conversation about what happened, since he ended things while I was double parked dropping him off at his car. He said he'd absolutely be down for that. I'm still on the fence about whether such a conversation would be a good idea or not. I know "closure" is an elusive thing, but I'm having some major self-blame going on and would kind of like to talk through it a bit. The first phone debriefing I had with Ben post-relationship seemed to help at the time (though that help was undone by subsequent events). I don't know.

As for the new guy, the one who cooked for me . . . well things got real complicated real fast. He's spending 2 months this summer out of state. The reality of this situation dawned on him after the third time we got together (for a cuddle session and sleep over). He had to cancel our fourth date plans because of a family get-together, and then sent me a lengthy text. In it he explained that he thought I was very sweet and was happy to be getting to know me, but felt like he just didn't have time to date before his departure (it was a week and a half, including a long weekend he was going to be out of town). He apologized and admitted that he should have thought of his impending departure before he agreed to meet up with me the first time. He asked if we could kind of put things on hold and then pick up when he gets back.

I'm certainly sympathetic . . . it's a difficult situation. I told him I would be okay with that. But the thing is, he has pretty much cut off communication (as in, he isn't initiating contact . . . he'll still respond if I do). I don't think he was making excuses because he made a big deal about how much he dislikes flaky guys, and he's always responsive to my texts. I'm confident that if he really had changed his mind about me he would tell me the truth. At the same time, it's weird to just pretend nothing ever happened and plan to have a total reset two months from now. Part of me feels like if he was really interested he would at least be checking in a little bit before his departure! That he would have taken me up on my offer for one last meet up so I could give him a goodbye kiss! I don't know. He seems very set on doing things the right way. He said it didn't feel right to him to start something right before leaving. So my approach is just trying to put him out of my mind, act as if things are over . . . and then see what happens two months from now.

I'm enjoying talking to guys on Tinder again, despite a little bit of resurgence of sexuality doubts (they spring up now and again, my OCD tendencies perhaps). I went to LA Pride over the weekend. Through the connections with my gay cousin Roger I actually marched in the parade . . . and that's not all. I actually ended up (after some convincing) wearing a colorful headdress with him and carrying a banner in front of the group we were marching with. Never thought I would do something like that!

After the parade we were hitting up bars and I was getting more and more tipsy. We wound up in the bar called Mickey's and I was scanning the dance floor for cute guys. One caught my eye for a while, but my interest waned when I saw him light up (smoking is a major turn off for me). Then all of a sudden, a guy comes over and starts dancing with me. Before I know it we are making out. And he is going to town. Kissing, biting, giving me a hickey (which remained and got spotted by a coworker this week), and even groping me in the middle of the frickin' bar. Let me tell you, I would NOT have been okay with that if I had been sober. But I was drunk and lonely, so I let it slide. He ended up hanging out the rest of the night with me, my cousin and our other companion (who had his eyes on my cousin). He tried to get me to go back to his place (actually his first suggestion was the bathroom), but even drunk I wouldn't do something like that.

The thing is, this guy wasn't just horny. He really liked me. He got my number and texted me the next day. He was super sweet, so I agreed to have dinner with him this week. We had a nice time. He's a nice guy, we had decent conversation and he seems very into me. And I'm a little uncomfortable . . . I'm not sure why. He's not quite the type I'm usually attracted too, but he's got a bit of cuteness to him. He's going out of town for 2 weeks so that gives me some time to think. 

I'm wondering whether I have the tendency to freak out when someone is into me. Perhaps I prefer being the pursuer. I don't know. I'm worried about hurting this guy. I'm also worried about not giving him enough of a chance, since he is sweet and actually IS willing to drive to me, unlike Thomas.

Big info dump! Haha. As you can tell there's a lot on my mind! Dating is so complicated, it's nice to have this place to vent. Feel free to weigh in on any or all of what I've written.

Have a great day everyone!