I'm trying to write more regularly, in general. This blog is only one of several different writing "projects" I currently have. I've started another blog for more general subjects of my interest, such as nerding out over rock music. I've only written a couple entries, but I'm thinking of linking to that one on my Facebook. Thus I would have this anonymous one, and that one would be accessible to my social network. I also have a book called "642 Things to Write About," which includes a whole lot of random writing prompts, some autobiographical and some fiction. Then there's the online novel writing class that I impulsively purchased on Groupon a while back. I haven't activated it yet because once you do you have a year to complete the class. The coupon expires in September though so I'll have to act soon.
Next, a big thank you to TwoLives for your very kind comment on the last entry. I'm not sure whether a relationship is in the cards in the next six months or not, but I definitely appreciate the sentiment. Ever since Thomas ended things and the other guy went away for the summer I've been kind of down about dating. As usual, with the lack of prospects comes the sexuality doubts, second guessing and ruminations. There was even a period where I was greatly missing my ex-boyfriend Ben. My first reaction to that was to berate myself for still feeling sad about a relationship that ended more than two years ago, but then I took the more healthy approach of self acceptance. Sometimes it seems I have to constantly remind myself that my relationship represented a lot more to me than just a romantic fling, and that I shouldn't beat myself up whenever I get down about it. Recovery does not occur in a linear fashion after all. There will always be peaks and valleys, the valleys just get less numerous over time. And they have.
A little while ago I found an interesting blog post at this link http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2014/06/16/i-drew-this-graph-about-sexual-desire-and-i-think-it-might-change-your-life/
The blog belongs to a PhD who studies human sexuality. Basically she distinguishes between two varieties of sexual desire: spontaneous and responsive. Spontaneous desire is the kind that we often think of in the stereotypical man or in people with a high sex drive. The feeling of "horniness," the type of desire that seemingly comes from nowhere.
Then there's responsive desire, which many tend to assign to women or those with a low sex drive. This kind of desire is a lot more context-dependent. It happens when things "feel right."
According to the blog post, as one would expect, spontaneous desire is more common in men and responsive desire is more common in women. However, a small percentage of guys (5% or so), experience primarily responsive desire. To me this seems like another way of describing so-called "demisexuality," which has been one of the few sexual orientation terms that has seemed to describe me. Basically, those who identify as demisexual do not really experience sexual desire unless they find themselves in the appropriate context. Usually the prerequisites are some sort of affection or intimacy with another person.
Hearing about something that resembles my experience in this new way is quite validating. Unfortunately, being one of the 5% of guys that does not really experience spontaneous desire makes it hard to date other guys. Thomas ended our dating relationship, telling me that though he really liked spending time with me he thought of me as more like a friend. I can't help but wonder whether my desire patterns contributed to that. On the other side of the coin, the guy I met at the bar during Pride was all up in my business and wanted to get down and dirty in the restroom. Even though he has been sweet since then, that initial experience has colored my perception of him a bit and made me wonder whether he'd be too sexually driven for me.
Then there's the fact that I just don't find myself attracted to very many guys. There are times when I'm swiping on Tinder that I begin to wonder how gay I really am, since most guys do nothing for me. But I guess it's the same for a lot of people.
Anyways, I'd like to think you're right TwoLives. I would love to have a mutually loving relationship so that I can finally forget Ben, Dean, Thomas, and all the other disappointments and build a life with someone. When it comes, it comes. I can wait, my only hope is that it will in fact come.
And with that, a throw back to the trend on my previous blog of naming postings after song titles, and including the video!
From all my years of reading your posts, nothing you've said has made me think you're asexual. You sometimes say you are but the evidence you cite has never been convincing. Being one of twenty men who are responsive makes much more sense..but that's not asexual.
ReplyDeleteI don't see the asexual label as being helpful. Why put yourself in a box and preemptively limit your options? There's no benefit to that. On the other hand, if you label and accept yourself as sexually responsive, well, anything can happen.
Without a doubt, you're a hidden gem who is destined to be discovered by a wonderful (but likely unexpected) man. The reason you're hidden is because your self-doubts and hurt from the past are distractions that many guys can't relate to. If you stay hidden, it will be a smart, patient guy who sees the real you.
Your last post made me very optimistic because you were taking productive steps and weren't doubting yourself. When you behave in those ways, it's easier for the average guy to see the real you. Conversely, when you get discouraged (which is totally normal), your defenses go up and you're back to hiding. Either way, sooner or later, someone will find you and cherish you for who you are.
In the meantime, I wonder if you shouldn't be more experimental in your dating habits. I think your experience with the drunk guy at the bar is a sign that you're capable of being very pleasantly surprised, if the opportunity arises. I can't explain why, but I have this idea that if you saw that guy on Tinder, you wouldn't have swiped right.
Will you try this?
Swipe right for everyone you'd go on ONE platonic date with if they asked you out. When you get matched, as often as you can, make plans to meet face-to-face. Try not to screen them too much before meeting. These are practice dates more than anything else. You don't need to be too picky. When you meet, unless you somehow magically click within the first few minutes, use your improvisational skills to pull out one of your more subdued personality traits and play it up. Be silly. Be intellectual. Be egotistical. Be flirtatious. Be aloof. Be Barry Manilow. Be Bono. Try whatever theme strikes you and let the date play out in that character.
The reason I'd like to see you do this is because you seem to be very stuck in your head, which is ironic, because you're actually a very creative person. What I think you'll learn is that you're actually quite good at taking chances...that first dates aren't very important (and therefore not worth worrying much about)...and that, most importantly, an unexpected number of guys will surprise you by being very into you AND you will be surprised by how much you're into them.
Essentially, I'd like to see you break all your usual rules and just be silly and not worry what comes of it.
Also, boost your upper age limit by five years. A guy with some meaningful life experience is far more likely to get you than a dopey 20-something.
Love, love, love U2. Especially from the 80s. "Bad" - is there anything more to be said??
This post resonates with me on many levels. I sympathize with your struggles as they are mine too. But also for me, even if I wanted to meet up and do stuff, the demands and time constraints of my job preemptively makes it quite difficult. And as a result, many potential relationships fizzle out before I can properly give it a chance. Perhaps it'll change in the next year . . . one can hope.
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