I'm still around. Things have been going pretty well lately. Work is good, improv is good, and I've been dating a guy I really like. In fact, he's probably the guy I've liked the most in the last two years. Super cute, common interests, similar personality, very nice and funny. But I feel the demons of the past affecting me and I'm trying to fight it. The problem is this guy is into taking things slow. For several weeks we were taking turns being sick so that added to the slowness. But now we're better and I still feel we're not progressing much. And this coming from a guy that prefers to take things slow. I was looking forward to finally being able to kiss him on the mouth again after being sick, but he only gave me a quick little kiss. Sometimes he'll call me "stud" or "baby" in his texts, other times it's "dude" or "man." I just don't want Ben Part 2, so I'm very wary about moving forward if there's ANY sign of ambivalence on his part. I know he got out of an 8-year relationship a little more than a year ago so I've been cutting him slack. At the same time, I feel like I am doing all of the flirting, complimenting, etc. And I've been on the other end so I know how mixed feelings translates into mixed messages. He is good about texting me everyday if I don't text first, but other than that I am the initiator of pretty much everything. It pains me because I really like this guy! The compatibility and personality "clicking" is to a level I haven't felt since . . . a long time ago. Part of me is worried that our momentum was lost by me being sick so long (longer than usual, it was like two and a half weeks) since I had to keep him at arm's length. If he's just another avoidant who's going to give me mixed messages, follow my lead for a while and then cut me out when I cease being exciting and new then I don't want to get invested. But I also don't want to assume that he would do that, because everyone is different (and he seems a lot less impulsive and conflicted then my ex.)
So I guess I'm just trying to strike a balance between learning from the past and not punishing a new guy for someone else's bad behavior.
I read an article at one point about the rule of Hell Yes. Well, in the article it was F*** Yes but you get the idea. The author argued that you should only date someone if they make you say "Hell Yes" and you make them say it too. If I were to follow that rule then it's already too late because I clearly haven't made this guy say Hell Yes.
And yes, we did have a "Where is this going" conversation at about the one month mark. He said he likes me but just wants to take things slow. That was a few weeks ago.
Also, he lives an hour from me (like many guys I date do, it seems). So I've only been seeing him on weekends.
Questions: Do you agree that we both should be saying "Hell yes" at this point? How do I up the ante without pushing him away by being too needy/anxious/pushy?
I hadn't heard about this "Hell Yes" dating philosophy before so I found the Mark Manson website that espouses it.
ReplyDeleteOverall, I think his points are on target, especially when he asks, "Why would you choose to be with someone who isn't excited to be with you?" There's really no good answer to that question.
What Manson doesn't talk about is timing. How much time should you invest in getting to know someone before you decide you need to exit the grey area? My guess is that the answer varies a lot by the individuals and the circumstances. In your situation, you've been apart for weeks and even when you have seen each other, your time together has been limited. Maybe it's too soon to exit the grey area?
My guess is that your guy's go-slow attitude is mostly because he's still mourning his previous relationship - and maybe his ex too. When you're still feeling raw from being hurt, you really can't open yourself up too quickly again. Going slow is a way to keep someone you like around but in a low-risk way.
If the break-up is not the primary cause of his go-slow attitude, that would concern me. Assuming it is, when you feel the timing is right I suggest that you break-up with him by saying something like, "X, I really, really like you. You're the best guy I've met in years. BUT, it's clear that you're still mourning your previous relationship. I've been there. I know what it's like. Take as much time as you need to heal and count me as a supportive friend in the process, but please also understand that I can't be your second choice. I have a lot to give a great guy like you, but I deserve to be first choice. It's not going to be easy for me, but I'm going to stop initiating contact with you. When you're ready to talk to me - and to be with me - let me know and we'll go from there."
Breaking up in that way puts you in the strongest position possible. You're either ending a relationship without a future OR you're setting important boundaries and establishing your self-worth, both of which will make you more attractive to him in the long-run.
You're such a good guy. One way or another, you WILL find a great partner to spend your life with.