Desire

Hello all!

I'm trying to write more regularly, in general. This blog is only one of several different writing "projects" I currently have. I've started another blog for more general subjects of my interest, such as nerding out over rock music. I've only written a couple entries, but I'm thinking of linking to that one on my Facebook. Thus I would have this anonymous one, and that one would be accessible to my social network. I also have a book called "642 Things to Write About," which includes a whole lot of random writing prompts, some autobiographical and some fiction. Then there's the online novel writing class that I impulsively purchased on Groupon a while back. I haven't activated it yet because once you do you have a year to complete the class. The coupon expires in September though so I'll have to act soon.

Next, a big thank you to TwoLives for your very kind comment on the last entry. I'm not sure whether a relationship is in the cards in the next six months or not, but I definitely appreciate the sentiment. Ever since Thomas ended things and the other guy went away for the summer I've been kind of down about dating. As usual, with the lack of prospects comes the sexuality doubts, second guessing and ruminations. There was even a period where I was greatly missing my ex-boyfriend Ben. My first reaction to that was to berate myself for still feeling sad about a relationship that ended more than two years ago, but then I took the more healthy approach of self acceptance. Sometimes it seems I have to constantly remind myself that my relationship represented a lot more to me than just a romantic fling, and that I shouldn't beat myself up whenever I get down about it. Recovery does not occur in a linear fashion after all. There will always be peaks and valleys, the valleys just get less numerous over time. And they have.

A little while ago I found an interesting blog post at this link  http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2014/06/16/i-drew-this-graph-about-sexual-desire-and-i-think-it-might-change-your-life/

The blog belongs to a PhD who studies human sexuality. Basically she distinguishes between two varieties of sexual desire: spontaneous and responsive. Spontaneous desire is the kind that we often think of in the stereotypical man or in people with a high sex drive. The feeling of "horniness," the type of desire that seemingly comes from nowhere.

Then there's responsive desire, which many tend to assign to women or those with a low sex drive. This kind of desire is a lot more context-dependent. It happens when things "feel right."

According to the blog post, as one would expect, spontaneous desire is more common in men and responsive desire is more common in women. However, a small percentage of guys (5% or so), experience primarily responsive desire. To me this seems like another way of describing so-called "demisexuality," which has been one of the few sexual orientation terms that has seemed to describe me. Basically, those who identify as demisexual do not really experience sexual desire unless they find themselves in the appropriate context. Usually the prerequisites are some sort of affection or intimacy with another person.

Hearing about something that resembles my experience in this new way is quite validating. Unfortunately, being one of the 5% of guys that does not really experience spontaneous desire makes it hard to date other guys. Thomas ended our dating relationship, telling me that though he really liked spending time with me he thought of me as more like a friend. I can't help but wonder whether my desire patterns contributed to that. On the other side of the coin, the guy I met at the bar during Pride was all up in my business and wanted to get down and dirty in the restroom. Even though he has been sweet since then, that initial experience has colored my perception of him a bit and made me wonder whether he'd be too sexually driven for me.

Then there's the fact that I just don't find myself attracted to very many guys. There are times when I'm swiping on Tinder that I begin to wonder how gay I really am, since most guys do nothing for me. But I guess it's the same for a lot of people.

Anyways, I'd like to think you're right TwoLives. I would love to have a mutually loving relationship so that I can finally forget Ben, Dean, Thomas, and all the other disappointments and build a life with someone. When it comes, it comes. I can wait, my only hope is that it will in fact come.

And with that, a throw back to the trend on my previous blog of naming postings after song titles, and including the video!

The plot thickens, as usual

It's been a confusing couple of weeks on the romantic front.

I'm still dealing with the disappointment of losing Thomas. It's amazing how much he crept into my heart, even though we never got intimate other than a little kissing. It's striking how much I liked him. If only he had lived closer, or been more comfortable driving. He expressed interest in being friends, and I told him I'd like it too but would need some downtime first. On a whim I had asked him if he'd be willing to have more of a conversation about what happened, since he ended things while I was double parked dropping him off at his car. He said he'd absolutely be down for that. I'm still on the fence about whether such a conversation would be a good idea or not. I know "closure" is an elusive thing, but I'm having some major self-blame going on and would kind of like to talk through it a bit. The first phone debriefing I had with Ben post-relationship seemed to help at the time (though that help was undone by subsequent events). I don't know.

As for the new guy, the one who cooked for me . . . well things got real complicated real fast. He's spending 2 months this summer out of state. The reality of this situation dawned on him after the third time we got together (for a cuddle session and sleep over). He had to cancel our fourth date plans because of a family get-together, and then sent me a lengthy text. In it he explained that he thought I was very sweet and was happy to be getting to know me, but felt like he just didn't have time to date before his departure (it was a week and a half, including a long weekend he was going to be out of town). He apologized and admitted that he should have thought of his impending departure before he agreed to meet up with me the first time. He asked if we could kind of put things on hold and then pick up when he gets back.

I'm certainly sympathetic . . . it's a difficult situation. I told him I would be okay with that. But the thing is, he has pretty much cut off communication (as in, he isn't initiating contact . . . he'll still respond if I do). I don't think he was making excuses because he made a big deal about how much he dislikes flaky guys, and he's always responsive to my texts. I'm confident that if he really had changed his mind about me he would tell me the truth. At the same time, it's weird to just pretend nothing ever happened and plan to have a total reset two months from now. Part of me feels like if he was really interested he would at least be checking in a little bit before his departure! That he would have taken me up on my offer for one last meet up so I could give him a goodbye kiss! I don't know. He seems very set on doing things the right way. He said it didn't feel right to him to start something right before leaving. So my approach is just trying to put him out of my mind, act as if things are over . . . and then see what happens two months from now.

I'm enjoying talking to guys on Tinder again, despite a little bit of resurgence of sexuality doubts (they spring up now and again, my OCD tendencies perhaps). I went to LA Pride over the weekend. Through the connections with my gay cousin Roger I actually marched in the parade . . . and that's not all. I actually ended up (after some convincing) wearing a colorful headdress with him and carrying a banner in front of the group we were marching with. Never thought I would do something like that!

After the parade we were hitting up bars and I was getting more and more tipsy. We wound up in the bar called Mickey's and I was scanning the dance floor for cute guys. One caught my eye for a while, but my interest waned when I saw him light up (smoking is a major turn off for me). Then all of a sudden, a guy comes over and starts dancing with me. Before I know it we are making out. And he is going to town. Kissing, biting, giving me a hickey (which remained and got spotted by a coworker this week), and even groping me in the middle of the frickin' bar. Let me tell you, I would NOT have been okay with that if I had been sober. But I was drunk and lonely, so I let it slide. He ended up hanging out the rest of the night with me, my cousin and our other companion (who had his eyes on my cousin). He tried to get me to go back to his place (actually his first suggestion was the bathroom), but even drunk I wouldn't do something like that.

The thing is, this guy wasn't just horny. He really liked me. He got my number and texted me the next day. He was super sweet, so I agreed to have dinner with him this week. We had a nice time. He's a nice guy, we had decent conversation and he seems very into me. And I'm a little uncomfortable . . . I'm not sure why. He's not quite the type I'm usually attracted too, but he's got a bit of cuteness to him. He's going out of town for 2 weeks so that gives me some time to think. 

I'm wondering whether I have the tendency to freak out when someone is into me. Perhaps I prefer being the pursuer. I don't know. I'm worried about hurting this guy. I'm also worried about not giving him enough of a chance, since he is sweet and actually IS willing to drive to me, unlike Thomas.

Big info dump! Haha. As you can tell there's a lot on my mind! Dating is so complicated, it's nice to have this place to vent. Feel free to weigh in on any or all of what I've written.

Have a great day everyone! 

A bittersweet weekend, and a new guy

Thanks to TwoLives for the comment on the last post.

Well, it's over with this guy. I'll call him Thomas. He deserves a pseudonym since he was such a memorable one.

We missed a weekend since we were both traveling for Memorial Day. Over this past weekend we hung out both Saturday and Sunday. I had an amazing time. We went out to eat, checked out a beautiful historic house/museum, saw an improv show together . . . and then he initiated a talk. For the first time. At first I had a little glimmer of hope. Was this going to be a "I really like you and I'm ready to get a little more intimate/serious talk?" I felt the chances were good seeing as how he had agreed to spend so much time with me, and we'd had such a great time. I went first, and emphasized how much I liked him. Then he spoke . . . and told me he has come to think of me as more of a friend.

He mentioned how we'd been going out for nearly two months and hadn't done anything in the bedroom. I pointed out that one or both of us was sick for nearly half the time we'd been seeing each other, which may have affected our momentum. There also was really no opportunity for it. He admitted that he could have invited me over to his place but never did. My place wasn't an option because he never offered to drive to my neck of the woods. I told him that his reluctance to drive to me had been a worry for me, and he said that though it may be a bit selfish, he just really doesn't like to drive.

And so that's it. The guy I've been the most excited about in two years is dumping me because he doesn't like to drive, and because my keeping my distance so as not to get him sick made him cease to see me as a romantic prospect (talk about nice guys finishing last . . .) I know realistically he may still need time to emotionally move on from his 8 year relationship. But it's still so frustrating! He really had me falling for him. His eyes were beautiful, his smile adorable, his personality charming, his presence so calming. We could talk for hours, which is a big deal for me. In a follow up text after I got home he complimented me for being such a "good conversationalist." All that time spent together and that's all he could see in me? It's a wonder we lasted so long.

Silver lining: I actually went on a first date last week, since I sensed that things were in the danger zone with Thomas. The date went really well, and the second date was last night. I went over to the guy's place and he cooked. It was delicious, and we had a great time. We also made out a lot. It was clear that he kind of wanted to go further, but he stopped himself. He clearly wants to take things a little slow (but not too slow). But he has made no secret of the fact that he likes me and is very impressed by me. He is also very handsome himself. More feminine than I would usually be attracted to, but in this case it somehow enhances his attractiveness. And you know what? I like not having to wonder about what the other guy thinks of me.

That second date has given me a much needed buffer to keep my spirits high after the disappointment with Thomas. It will still be a little while before I'm over that one though, and I hope it doesn't affect what I have going with this new guy. I'm going to keep my distance from Thomas for a while. If friendship is possible it's the only way, as I once learned the hard way.

In other news, I met a fellow blogger, Aek of The Masks We Wear, for the first time in person. Very nice guy and he came to see me perform improv. So great to finally meet him :)

Hoping to avoid déjà vu

Hey all,

I'm still around. Things have been going pretty well lately. Work is good, improv is good, and I've been dating a guy I really like. In fact, he's probably the guy I've liked the most in the last two years. Super cute, common interests, similar personality, very nice and funny. But I feel the demons of the past affecting me and I'm trying to fight it. The problem is this guy is into taking things slow. For several weeks we were taking turns being sick so that added to the slowness. But now we're better and I still feel we're not progressing much. And this coming from a guy that prefers to take things slow. I was looking forward to finally being able to kiss him on the mouth again after being sick, but he only gave me a quick little kiss. Sometimes he'll call me "stud" or "baby" in his texts, other times it's "dude" or "man." I just don't want Ben Part 2, so I'm very wary about moving forward if there's ANY sign of ambivalence on his part. I know he got out of an 8-year relationship a little more than a year ago so I've been cutting him slack. At the same time, I feel like I am doing all of the flirting, complimenting, etc. And I've been on the other end so I know how mixed feelings translates into mixed messages. He is good about texting me everyday if I don't text first, but other than that I am the initiator of pretty much everything. It pains me because I really like this guy! The compatibility and personality "clicking" is to a level I haven't felt since . . . a long time ago. Part of me is worried that our momentum was lost by me being sick so long (longer than usual, it was like two and a half weeks) since I had to keep him at arm's length. If he's just another avoidant who's going to give me mixed messages, follow my lead for a while and then cut me out when I cease being exciting and new then I don't want to get invested. But I also don't want to assume that he would do that, because everyone is different (and he seems a lot less impulsive and conflicted then my ex.)

So I guess I'm just trying to strike a balance between learning from the past and not punishing a new guy for someone else's bad behavior.

I read an article at one point about the rule of Hell Yes. Well, in the article it was F*** Yes but you get the idea. The author argued that you should only date someone if they make you say "Hell Yes" and you make them say it too. If I were to follow that rule then it's already too late because I clearly haven't made this guy say Hell Yes.

And yes, we did have a "Where is this going" conversation at about the one month mark. He said he likes me but just wants to take things slow. That was a few weeks ago.

Also, he lives an hour from me (like many guys I date do, it seems). So I've only been seeing him on weekends.

Questions: Do you agree that we both should be saying "Hell yes" at this point? How do I up the ante without pushing him away by being too needy/anxious/pushy? 

All-American Boy

Has anyone heard of Steve Grand?

He's the Chicago-born gay singer that the media labeled "the first out gay country singer" back when his first music video for "All-American Boy" went viral in the summer of 2013. He never used the "country" label himself, although the song and video definitely had a bit of a country vibe to it. I was quite impressed by the video at the time. Part of that was Steve's looks of course. He is super hunky, with a near perfect physique (he used to model and his underwear pics are all over the internet). The other part, however, was that the song was actually damn catchy!

Then he released a second song, called "Stay." I liked that one even more! Super catchy, and I knew that this was a singer to watch. So when he started a Kickstarter campaign to fund his debut album, I made sure to contribute. The campaign was a record setter, surpassing his $81,000 goal in a single day and amassing a total of more than $300,000 by the time the campaign was closed. It was one of the most successful music campaigns in Kickstarter history.

It has taken awhile, but I have finally received my Kickstarter rewards, including a handwritten thank you note and a signed copy of the album itself! I am quite impressed with the album. And it turns out I haven't quite made the switch to country, as the album really is more of a rock album than anything else. Some songs have a bit of a country vibe, but others are straight forward rock, and one song in particular ("We Are the Night") is straight up Gaga-esque dance pop. It's pretty much Grand's "Born This Way."

So if you want to pick up an album full of great, catchy songs song by a gay dreamboat, I highly recommend All-American Boy :)

Here's the song "Stay", which I can't get enough of.

Cal's still here

Yep, I've definitely fallen off blogging again.

When I started this new blog I was all determined to start writing a lot more regularly. It didn't quite happen.

Perhaps one reason is, even though I was trying to move forward from the "All Mixed Up" version of Cal, over the past couple months I feel like I've sort of slid back into it. Once again the inner critic is becoming extremely vocal. The anxiety is rising. The ruminations growing. The career questions returning. The longing for my former relationship, which is now more than 2 years dead, resuming.

Maybe it's embarrassment? I want this to be the story of a guy who starts out hopelessly lost and confused, but gradually finds himself and builds the life of his dreams. I don't want it to be the story of a guy who keeps running in circles in his own mind, beating the same couple of issues to death over and over and over again.

At the same time, I know that what I should be aiming for in my writing is authenticity. Regardless of how frustrating and repetitive my issues are for me, they are still real.

The latest back slide was exacerbated by the guy that I've been going out with for the past month and a half or so. He's a really nice, cute guy who one might call a gaymer. We get along very well, have quite a number of things in common, and generally enjoy each others' company. However, over the past week I started to sense what could be a pulling away on his part. Knowing from past experience the consequences of ignoring such feelings, I decided to ask him at lunch over the weekend what his thoughts were about us. He told me he'd like to keep seeing each other for now, but he's not quite sure of our chemistry.

And there it is, that word that keeps sabotaging my most promising relationships. Chemistry was what my ex Ben cited as a problem, and it was also apparently something that Dean found lacking (in bed at least). The fact that this keeps happening leads me to two possibilities: 1) There is an epidemic among gay men of holding out for some elusive "feeling" at the expense of things like compatibility, similarity, etc. 2) There is something about me that is blocking guys from feeling chemistry with me.

Maybe it's my less-than-average sexual drive. Or maybe I'm still too guarded because of my bad experience (obviously that doesn't explain my ex, only the guys since). Or maybe it is just the luck of the draw. Whatever it is I'm afraid of getting trapped in a vicious cycle, where each subsequent failure makes me lose more hope, and thus have an even harder time connecting with romantic prospects. I've got to break the cycle somehow.

I've set up a phone consultation with a therapist based in San Francisco that specializes in gay male relationships. A lot of things on his website resonated with me. I know that a lot of my problems are in my head. By continuing to idealize my old relationship and allowing myself to lose hope, I'm setting myself up for failure. I've got to learn not to depend on finding someone. I've got to learn how to be happy on my own.

I'm reading a book called "Stumbling on Happiness" by Daniel Gilbert, a psychologist at Harvard. It's very interesting so far, though I'm not very far into it. Basically, it's about how human beings really aren't good about predicting what will make them happy.

I'd love to stumble in the right direction soon!

The story of Dean

Another long gap between entries.

Happy New Year everyone!

First of all the topics that were on my mind that I eluded to last time.

One topic was Dean. I wanted to talk about my burgeoning relationship with him. Well, now that's over. Overall we dated from October to December. We didn't see each other much because he lived a bit far away and was very busy with work and his extremely active social life. At the same time, I did manage to have some really cool, memorable experiences with him. He worked in entertainment, which meant I got to hang out with other people in the industry such as writers and executives. I even got to meet a couple of actors and attend an exclusive holiday party for a production company. So that was cool.

Ultimately, both Dean and I had some issues with the relationship. For me, the feelings weren't quite where they should be. I was giving it time, since I felt like with all the December parties and everything, we really hadn't gotten enough time to get to know each other one-on-one. For Dean, however, there were other issues. Ultimately, he felt like we were at different stages in life, which is true. He has an established, successful, high status career. While I'm doing alright professionally, having gotten a promotion not too long ago, it's not exactly my passion and I'm not sure it's where I want to stay. Mostly, the issue is that he's ready to settle down and have a family and he felt I wasn't quite there yet. He's probably right.

Another issue that Dean had was sex. The issue that I've feared would come up ever since I started dating. He detected early on that my sex drive wasn't very high. I alleviated his concerns for a while after I explained that it wasn't that I don't like sex, it's just that I'm not particularly driven to have it. We never got so far as to doing anal. He called himself a top, though he claimed he'd be willing to be more versatile in a relationship. Having never done it myself, I still don't know exactly what role I'd prefer. I tend to think I'd prefer just being versatile, since I'm not really comfortable defining myself with a label. And yet, part of me wonders whether I do prefer to be the more "masculine," dominant one. In any case, the sexual chemistry just wasn't there. I'm not sure I've really even felt "sexual chemistry" before. I'm hoping I can have it with someone, being the way I am.

Trouble became first apparent when Dean effectively uninvited me to a resort he was going to for a couple days. He claimed he needed some alone time. This was when I was in the Midwest for Christmas. When I got back to California, we spoke on the phone and he explained that he felt we just weren't going to work out. I told him I preferred an in-person conversation before we totally ended it, and he agreed. The next time I was in LA at my cousin's house he stopped by and we talked in his car for a while. We each explained how we felt about the dating relationship we had had. I told him the feelings hadn't been quite there for me yet, but I had been hoping we'd have more time to get to know each other. He told me his reasons for ending things. He very kindly told me I was the nicest guy he had ever dated, and insisted that he'd still love to hang out with me whenever I'm in his neck of the woods. We parted with a hug, on good terms.

I really wasn't sad about it ending. Yes, I'd had good times with him, but the feelings just weren't there and the chemistry just wasn't as good as I'd like it to have been.

I must admit, certain requests that I made of him while we were dating, such as asking if we could talk on the phone more often or whether we could go hiking or biking sometime, were attempts to make our relationship more like the one I used to have. Those are things I really miss. I don't think it's wrong to want those things, right? They shouldn't be off the table just because they are things I did with my ex. I just want to make sure I don't try to mold a guy into an ex-approximation, because that's a recipe for disaster.

My relationship with Dean had one casualty: I lost my friendship with the Turkish guy I've known since summer. As soon as he found out I was seeing someone he had a little bit of a fit and told me we couldn't be friends. Turns out his feelings for me were still very strong even after I had friend-zoned him. Apparently I was the first guy he'd had such strong feelings for, the one who convinced him he could feel that way for a guy (so I was his Ben . . . great). It's probably for the best, though, since I just really didn't feel the same way.