Thank you for being a pal

Another wonderful weekend spending time with Thomas. Uh oh. This time I didn't quite make it out without feeling down about it.

I enjoy hanging out with him so much. This is seriously Version 2.0 of my first relationship, at least so far. In that I met someone online, dated him for a a while, starting falling for him, got friend zoned, and now have been trying to navigate being friends while my feelings grow even stronger.

I know it's not sustainable. I figure I need to act sooner rather than later. It's not fair to either of us. So I'll probably try to hang out with him a lot less next weekend, and instead get coffee or something and have a chat so that we are on the same page.

I definitely got mixed messages from him over the weekend. On the one hand, he invited me to accompany him to all sorts of get-togethers. And we had dinner last night, just the two of us, in a very date-like atmosphere. And he gave me a kiss on the cheek when we parted ways on Saturday night.

BUT . . .

He jokingly called me a "cock-blocker" when he had to turn down a guy's offer to go for a walk at the beach because he was waiting for me to show up. And probably most damning of all, when we parted ways Sunday night he thanked me for hanging out and for being "such a pal." Then later that night after I texted him that I'd made it home safely, he reiterated his thanks and used the word "pal" again. Doesn't get much clearer than that.

So pretty much I am squarely in the friend zone, which is to be expected since I was . . . well . . . explicitly friend zoned earlier this year.

I just don't get how someone who I get along with SO well, who I have SO much in common with, who I share so many interests with, who shares my sense of humor . . . can fail to reciprocate my feelings. All that is enough for me to feel something, why isn't it enough for him?

Well, I do get it. I'm pretty sure he doubts our sexual chemistry. Because we didn't bump uglies when we were dating before. Nevermind that one or both of us was sick for most of that time.

I don't want to lose his friendship. Having him in my life makes me a happier person (well, except for today, haha). Finding a kindred spirit really makes you feel less alone in the world, you know?

BUT . . .

I felt the same way about Ben. And I was persistent in my pursuit of him. I did successfully have my first and only relationship because of my stubborn rejection of being friend-zoned. But ultimately I lost him completely from my life.

So I guess I'm just worried that history will continue to repeat itself. I know that just because something starts the same doesn't mean it will end the same. I guess I just need to tell him how I feel and hope for the best. Best scenario: he reciprocates. Okay scenario: he doesn't feel the same, but it doesn't affect our friendship in a negative way. Bad scenario: he doesn't feel the same and our friendship sours.

Guess I just gotta act. Any suggestions on how to bring it up, how to word it?

A great weekend and a growing friendship

I'd say I'm recovered from the disappointment that had me down when I wrote the last entry. Maybe I'm getting quicker at bouncing back? Maybe so.

I had an amazing weekend. I spent it in and around Los Angeles, hanging out with friends. I had lunch with my good friend Sam, my old "breakup buddy" who helped me cope with my breakup when I met him back in 2013. I hadn't seen him in several months, so it was good catching up. He's in a relationship now, and I'm extremely happy for him.

Much of the rest of the weekend I spent with Thomas. It hadn't been my original intention to spend so much time with him, but after we hung out as planned he invited me to several more events so I tagged along. I had a blast spending time with him, and I felt like we became closer friends. What's more, the experience did not make me sad at all (as you may recall, Thomas is the one I dated this year that I liked the most . . . he's the first guy since Ben that I liked to such a high degree). While I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish things could go somewhere beyond friendship with him, I've realized that I really enjoy his friendship as well, and if that's all I'll get then that's still a really good thing. He really is a joy to be around, and we have a lot in common, from a love of improv to interest in movies to the tendency to break out into song at the slightest provocation. Heck, even if all my dating exploits never result in a lasting boyfriend, friends like Thomas will still make it all worth it. Still . . . part of me wishes . . .

Meanwhile I'm chatting with several guys on Tinder, so I'm sure it won't be long before I go on some more dates. I think I'm becoming more comfortable with the sheer amount of dead ends that dating involves. For every great friend like Sam or Thomas that results from online dating, there's like 20 guys that go nowhere, whether they are duds from the first date, start promisingly and then suddenly do a 180 (like the guy who cooked for me) or just disappear entirely (like the young guy). I think for a long time I had trouble reconciling the inevitable high failure rate of dating with the fact that I had my first relationship with the second guy I went out with. For a long time I felt like it was because there was something broken in me. But really it's because I know what I want. I want someone that makes me excited, like Ben did, like Thomas did (does). I don't think it's unreasonable to hold out for that.

Though the fear of ending up alone does rear its ugly head more often than I'd like.

The pattern continues

Preparing for a venting post. I'm experiencing a bit of emotional whiplash at the moment. It's been a good month up until now, I swear! Ha ha.

Let me start at the beginning. A guy messaged me on Grindr a few weeks ago. Young guy, only 22. But cute, and with a nice profile. We chat a bit, and he seems really friendly and interested in talking with me. He asks me what I'm looking for, and I say "meeting new people for friends and dates," and he says the same. Turns out we share some common interests and he lives really close to my work, so we agree to meet up. My usual dating range is 5 years on either side of my age, but I figured why not? The guy seems nice.

I met up with him after work last week, and we had a great time. Really nice guy, and we got along well. I kissed him at the end of the date, and we made out and cuddled a bit in my car. The next day he texted me, expressing his interest in seeing me again.

Cut to this past Saturday. We meet up and go to a shopping center. Our chemistry is great, and we even walk around holding hands, which I've only done with a handful of guys. I suggest we ride a nearby ferris wheel, so we do. It's a very romantic ride, and we kiss some more as it goes around. We then grab drinks at a nearby bar and talk for quite a while.

Back to my car, where we make out for quite a while, and cuddle. He says that it's okay if my hands wander a bit lower, so I graze down there a bit. Still, since this is only our second date I don't want to go too far, but I do what I'm comfortable with. After a while it's late, so I drive him over to his car and we part ways. I make it clear that I look forward to seeing him again. We both seem to have had a great time. There was never a lull in the conversation or an awkward moment.

This time, no text the next day, but I think nothing of it. Monday comes around and I texted him, asking how the rest of his weekend was. No answer. 

Tuesday: nothing.

Wednesday: nothing. I texted him to say I hope he's doing well, and that I hope to see him again soon. No answer.

Aaaand now the ruminations start. As while I keep trying to give him the benefit of the doubt (maybe he's busy, maybe he's having phone trouble, etc), as time goes on it is seeming more and more like he is giving me the cold shoulder.

Personally, not responding to a text is one of my pet peeves. I think it is hugely disrespectful. The last guy to give me the silent treatment was "the guy who cooked for me", the summer crush who went away for two months and came back with no interest in meeting up again. I tried to keep in touch and he stopped responding after showing interest at first in hanging out again (and that guy stated in his Tinder profile that non-responders are one of HIS pet-peeves!)

I'm trying to buffer my disappointment, but each time it gets a little harder. Could it really be because I didn't take him back to my place? Could two awesome dates with great chemistry really mean nothing if he didn't get laid? Was it the same story with the guy from the summer (in that case it was three great dates). 

Is it so wrong for me to want to get to know a guy a bit (a bit meaning more than just two dates) before jumping into the bedroom? And if that's not what's going on, then what the hell could it be?

I need advice. Do you expect sex within the first 2-3 dates? If you really had a good time with a guy but you didn't end up in bed together after making out, would you take that to me a lack of sexual chemistry, or lack of interest on his part?

I really wish I knew what I was doing wrong. In 2013 and 2014 it was easy to blame my failures on still recovering from heartbreak. But all these disappointments in 2015 suggest there's something else going on. And I'd love it to be something I can fix, rather than something about me (i.e., not quick enough into the bedroom). 

Maybe I was right not to date guys in their early 20s. Even if they seem mature, maybe they really are just about sex.

But I'll keep chugging. Because that's all I can do.

Hopefully I'll update this in a few days with a "False Alarm! He was just busy and I got all bent out of shape for nothing!" post. But going off of past experience . . . I'm not holding my breath.

Gaybor Day Weekend

I had a really awesome Labor Day Weekend.

A friend from the past drove up from San Diego to spend it with me . . . it was my friend Ron, who I first met back in 2013. I hadn't seen him since I was last in San Diego in July 2014.

Ron is one of my favorite guys that I have dated. It was mostly the combination of the distance between us and his busy schedule that put the kabosh on us dating before. I still think about him periodically. Well, this weekend he came up and we did an LA weekend together. It was awesome, but it also kind of cemented us as just-friends.

We spent a lot of time with my cousin Roger, who is very comfortable being out and about by now. In fact, he got quite a bit of action over the weekend. First, he spent the night in a hotel room with Ron's flamboyant friend. Then he had a random guy come up to him at a bar in West Hollywood, and before you knew it they were kissing. The guy was really cute too!

Ron and I went shopping for clothes, which was nice. I got some new shirts, some dark jeans, and some new shoes. I hate clothes shopping, especially alone, so it was really nice to have someone there to provide advice.

We went out to the bars in West Hollywood two nights in a row, and stayed out quite late both nights. One night several of my friends met up with us, including El Genio from the blogs. It was so nice seeing him again!

The highlight of the weekend, and also the most emotionally complex experience, was when Ron and I met up with Thomas. Thomas, as you may recall, is the latest guy I had strong feelings for who friend zoned me. The three of us had a board game night, which was insanely fun. It also was, I noticed at one point, me hanging out with the two guys who I was most interested in dating over the past several years.

They are such cool guys and good friends. I just wish I could date one of them. Ron is pretty much out of the question now, as I opened up to him on the drive home from LA about my lingering feelings for Thomas. That and he is about twice as far away as Thomas is.

Thomas frustrates me. We get along SO well, we have so many things in common, and he is so frickin' attractive to me! But he ended things, and the last time I continued to pursue a guy after I was friend zoned . . . well, I did have my first relationship. But ultimately I got my heart broken. I like Thomas so much that I don't want to risk losing him as a friend. At the same time, I like him so much more than ever single other guy I've dated in the past several years! I guess the most aggravating thing is that we went out for two months, and he seemed legitimately interested at the beginning. So, I feel like I had a chance and blew it, which can feel worse than having never had a chance at all.

I am determined to pursue the friendship, because I really do feel like it would be a shame to lose him as a friend. At the same time, I'm conflicted about whether I should ever admit my feelings or just try to grow out of them.

I think what I need to work on is upping my flirtation game when dating. I know sexual energy doesn't come naturally to me, but I'm gonna have to learn to at least fake it somewhat if I want to stop getting friend zoned left and right. The next time a Thomas comes around, I don't want to miss my chance.

The Catfish Saga

So you know that weird muscle guy who was lecturing me about being shallow on Grindr? Things got weirder.

For the purposes of this story I'm going to use two pseudonyms to differentiate between the parties involved. Muscle Guy is the Grindr profile. Manny is the guy that I went out on three dates with that Muscle Guy claimed to have seen me with.

My first interaction with Muscle Guy was after Date 2 with Manny. That was the interaction I talked about in the last entry. Muscle Guy seemed to really be keen on convincing me to continue dating Manny, as well as lecturing me about the folly of dating for physical attraction. To the point where I thought, "What if this is actually Manny himself, and he's testing me to see how I act if an attractive guy messages me?"

However Manny seemed like a stand-up guy in person, so I banished those thoughts. Muscle Guy didn't show up again until about a week later . . .

On the same day that Manny had asked me to Date 3. A couple hours before the date I check Grindr and Muscle Guy messages me. Immediately he wants to know what I'm doing that night. I tell him I have dinner plans and he asks me to bail on them and go out with him instead. I tell him I can't. He asks me if my plans are a date or with a friend . . . I don't answer.

Date 3: My roommate suggests I check Grindr in the restaurant parking lot to see if Muscle Guy is close by (which would suggest he is really Manny). I do . . . and his profile has vanished, as well as our previous conversation. Weird.

I have an okay time with Manny, but several things bother me (in addition to my suspicion of a connection to Muscle Guy), including his refusal to let me pay for my dinner (he already paid for the first two dates, and I don't like being overly doted upon). He literally throws my credit card on the ground when I offer it. After dinner I tell him that I'm not really feeling the romantic energy between us. He is disappointed and immediately assumes it is about physical attraction. He talks about how members of his family that have very good long-term relationships did not base them on physical attraction.

While physical attraction was indeed an issue, I recognize that its not everything (that's why I gave it three dates). But at that point I just wasn't feeling enough of a connection. He took it well, or at least seemed to.

Later that night, Muscle Guy reappears and hits me up on Grindr, asking how dinner was. He then asks me if I'm still with "That guy," meaning Manny. I ask him how come. He responds "How come??" I answer, I just want to know why you're asking. He says, "I just don't want to be a hindrance." After I tell him I'm not seeing Manny anymore he asks what happened, so he knows if he "has a chance," but I decline to go into it.

Now I'm getting really suspicious and am pretty darn certain that Muscle Guy is really Manny himself, or at least a friend. I reverse image search the photos he sent, and it turns out they belong to a fitness model slash gay porn star.

A ha! Gotcha! Well maybe . . . I Facebook search the real model and it turns out . . . wait for it . . . he's friends with Manny on Facebook!

I try to play along to catch him in a lie. At one strange point in the conversation Muscle Guy dismisses himself to check on his "friend" who he is supposedly staying with while in town. Said "friend" is acting all depressed and annoying, he says. When he returns, he claims that his friend's mood is due to having had an "asshole date." 

I wrap up the convo with Muscle Guy, who I am at this point 100% sure is catfishing me, and I'm 90% sure it's Manny himself (the real model lives abroad). 

The only lingering questions: did Manny really think he was being sneaky? Also, what was all of Manny's emphasis on honesty in our conversations if he's impersonating one of his FB friends to "test" the guys he goes on dates with? Weeeeeird. 

Anyways, that was my experience with a catfish. I was so creeped out during that whole time. I hope the above made sense. If it comes across as confusing, well join the club! Let me know what you think about it, and if you feel (as I do) that the evidence points to Muscle Guy and Manny being one and the same.

Back to the Grind, for now

I took a long break from Grindr. About a year. I felt like it was contributing too much to compulsive checking, and all for very little return. However, I recently was traveling in Europe (yay!), and decided to download it again to try to meet local guys.

Well, I didn't meet any locals, but I did meet an Australian who was traveling (do Australians travel a lot, or what?) It turned out really well! He was a super nice guy and pretty cute, We hung out out for a good part of the day in Rome, had dinner together, and checked out the Roman gay scene. The scene wasn't much, just a couple bars that were pretty low energy . . . then again we went on a week night. The coolest thing about the bars is that they are located right next to the Colosseum. We overall had a great time, and we ended up making out a little bit at the end of the night before we parted ways. A romantic little Roman holiday. Maybe that is my version of a one night stand. Getting to know someone over a day, swapping stories and getting to know each other, having a nice dinner and drinks, and then kissing a bit. We didn't go any further because I had an early morning, but it was a nice experience. I know the lack of expectation that it could lead to anything long term probably helped me get out of my head. We're Facebook friends now.

I still have Grindr on my phone now that I'm home. It has led me to go on a couple dates with a new guy. Very interesting guy . . . very sweet and smart. Very successful. Great, fun personality. Also not the physical type I'm usually attracted to. I've been out with him twice. He's exactly the kind of guy that gets me stuck in my head. We click personality-wise pretty well. But I don't really feel the romantic energy, the base attraction. And that kind of thing just triggers and feeds my sexuality doubts.

Cut to tonight. I notice I got a message from a very attractive torso. Six pack abs, nice chest, the works. Not the kind of profile I usually get a message from. I hesitantly respond, and he answers quickly and seems nice and conversational. He also says that I look familiar. He asks me if I was on a date at the mall recently. I say yes, and he responds that he saw me with my date. He mentions how I looked happy, and asks if it is even worth it for him to pursue me. He sends me a face pic and he is smoking hot. I assure him that things are casual with the other guy, we've only been on two dates, and I am open to meeting others. The guy asks to see a body pic, so I send him the first one I can find, a shirtless pic of me at the beach. The guy then says, "I wish you the best with this guy."

Upon further inquiry he says that I'm not his type, he likes more muscle. This doesn't come as a surprise, frankly at this point I was surprised that such a buff, hot guy would express interest in the first place. He apologetically calls himself shallow (could he not tell I wasn't buff when he saw me at the mall?) He then starts to try to convince me to continue dating the other guy. He stresses the importance of finding someone who can make you laugh, and he brings up again how happy I seemed on my date (turns out he was the hot guy I noticed sitting at the table behind my date, lol) He tells me that looks fade, and that I should go for the guys that see beyond looks.

While a lot of what he says is good advice, his hypocrisy is of course rather striking. I suggest to him that he practice what he preach, reminding him that he just called himself shallow and rejected me based on my physique. He agrees but turns it back on me and even sends me a cartoon with the following text:

"God, why haven't you sent me a boyfriend? God replied: I did but you keep telling him 'No fats, no fems . . .'"

The whole time I can't believe I'm having this conversation. Here's a guy who talks about wanting to "pursue" me, then immediately changes his mind when he sees my body picture, then tries to convince me to marry another guy he saw me with and implies I'm shallow for not wanting to marry the guy after two dates. It was all just very . . . weird.

But it did get me thinking about attraction. It is frustrating how usually the guys that are the most into me are the ones that do little for me attraction-wise. And it's true, looks fade. But at the same time I date guys for a reason. Attraction, at least some basic level of it, is important. Heck, it's what I struggle with. Guys catch my eye all the time but the guys I go on dates with rarely have the same effect on me. And especially having had a boyfriend in the past who I did find attractive, it's hard to not want that again. I give guys a chance, even if attraction isn't quite there at the beginning. But ultimately, I don't think it's shallow to want to be attracted to your partner. It's why gay guys date guys in the first place.

Anyways, Grindr can definitely lead to meeting cool people, like my Australian friend. It can also lead to very weird conversations. Will I delete it again? Probably. But for now it's just another tool to meet people I might not otherwise. And get the occasional lecture about shallowness from a shallow muscle guy.

The More Things Change

Despite my focus on professional issues in the previous entry, I can't pretend that my personal life is not important. It is. Very important. It always has been. My sexuality confusion has defined and dominated the last decade in a way that I regret immensely. At the same time, you can't say that I haven't been proactive in trying to find a solution.

After years of trying to figure things out in the safety of my own room, I forced myself out there and started dating. I almost immediately got a relationship for my trouble, and for the better part of a year these issues started to decrease in intensity. They were still present, but I was happy enough that I finally felt like I was making progress.

Then it ended, and the issues came back with a vengeance, During that time I've dated a LOT. I've gone on so many first dates, and though I haven't had as many sexual experiences as many guys, I've had several. Still not anything beyond oral for the most part, but still . . . I'm a bit more experienced than I was starting out. But no one has come along and made me feel convinced that this was the right path for me. And that's what is so aggravating. Ben's not enough. One relationship could be a fluke.

I hear so many stories about guys coming out of the closet, and the first time they do something with a guy it just feels right. And sure, when I have a promising prospect like Thomas, it does relieve my anxiety a bit. But does it feel right? I just don't know. It seems like my lack of interest in actual sex is the common factor that has torpedoed my potential relationships with several good guys now. Our lack of good sexual chemistry was a major factor in Dean ending things. Things ended with the gaymer earlier this year after we fooled around (awkwardly). And Thomas, the best match I've found since I've been single again, cited our lack of bedroom play when he told me he thought of me as more of a friend (even though he never once invited me over, nor drove to my neck of the woods . . . where would we have done it Thomas, the car?) Not to mention the "guy who cooked for me" who went away from the summer. He came back . . . and responded to my text with a "I'm not in dating mode right now" explanation, along with an apology. This from a guy that was very interested after our first two dates! When did his interest seem to die off? Not after his trip . . . no, I can trace it to right before he left. Right after our third time seeing each other, during which I slept over at his place and we didn't do anything sexual.

I've gone on a couple dates with a guy who has an amazing personality. Seriously, this guy is cool. I'm also not particularly physically attracted to him. I also am not sure I'm comfortable being doted on like he seems to like doing. So this is not helping my current bout of confusion.

I guess I'm afraid I like guys more in theory than in practice. Sure, the hot ones are great to look at . . . but how does that translate to a relationship? If the kind of guy I'm interested in only comes around once in a blue moon, and then rejects me for not being into sex enough or not getting to it fast enough, then why am I even dating guys?

I know that a lot of this has to do with the fact that I don't have any prospects right now that I have interest in like I did with guys like Thomas and the flake who cooked for me. But still. I shouldn't have to actively be dating someone to feel (more) confident in my sexuality.

I honestly feel like I might just be alone forever. And I know that it's that feeling that makes it possible, but I can't control it.

So if I force myself to stop dating and focus on career, it might just be because I've given up on finding someone. Because if I have to be alone, I might as well try to do what I want.

I'm sorry for this Debbie Downer fest. I've just really been bothered by this lately. Too many disappointments in a row, and frustration over never seeming to be attracted to the guys that do like me. Then there's a (married) girl I know that I seem to be crushing on, to throw that into the mix.

Maybe I just want what I can't have, what seems unobtainable . . . before I came out guys seemed so desirable . . . now girls don't seem so bad. Oh that greener grass . . .