Rest in pieces

The inevitable happened. My precious truck, the car I have driven ever since I was 16, is finally on its last legs. My family has been pressuring me to get a new car, but I was convinced I could get a decent number of miles from it still. Looking for a new car was not my top priority. After all, there's that whole matter of figuring out what to do with my life and who to share it with!

But entropy caught up with me, as it always does. My truck's engine started to make a rattling noise last week. I only let it go on a few days before I took it in to Midas to get it checked. Unfortunately . . . by then it was too late. Take note all who read this: if your car's engine makes a rattling sound stop as soon as you can and check the water levels! Turns out my water had been leaking. I guess the radiator cap gasket was worn out or something. In any case, this caused my engine to overheat. By the time I got it into Midas it had already started emitting a strange smell. Well sir, that's the smell of your engine melting!

The prognosis was bleak: I would have to get a rebuilt engine put into my truck, which would cost $5,000. That's more than the car's worth, which means it is time to go car shopping.

Since I was out of town all last weekend I wasn't able to get a new car, so this weekend is the target. Of course, that means this week I have been carless. My roommate happens to go to school right near where I work so I've been riding with her. Trouble is, she goes at 6 in the morning! So every day I've gone into work this week I've arrived at 6 AM. I've had to get rides home either from her or a coworker. I still haven't figured out how I'm getting to my improv shows tonight. But the prospect of getting a new car is somewhat exciting. Knowing myself I will get overwhelmed by the options so I am mostly just relying on the input from my car-aficionado friends and family members. I want something blue! :-D

Transportation was less of a problem yesterday. I didn't go into work yesterday at all; instead I took a sick day. I woke up in a hugely anxious state. I've been struggling a lot with anxiety lately. Not panic attacks (I have a friend who suffers those . . . I'm so fortunate not to experience them). Just chronic, existential type anxiety. Much like I have experienced the past 5 years, minus that brief interlude in 2012 when I was in my relationship and it wasn't quite as bad (I guess that's what that relationship was for . . . giving me a little breather).

I definitely have been stuck between figuring out "my passion" and pursuing it and just choosing something straight-forward and stable. I think the latter was my main attraction to med school, sadly. The fairly straight-forward career path sounded attractive to me, even if it didn't quite set my soul on fire. My problem is I keep going toward one thing, and then when I'm at the point where I'm able to apply (or even after sometimes) I lose interest for some reason.

One reason is that all of the things I've looked at require grad school. I admit it: I'm afraid of being in debt. Even the prospect of car payments has me worried, though I know I have the money for it and I'm planning to get something relatively inexpensive. But the idea of debt scares the beejesus out of me. I'm fortunate enough to not be in debt from my undergrad though.

Honestly, one thing that has long held my interest is clinical psychology. As anyone could tell from reading this blog I am a thinker, especially about the ways of human nature and the mind. I enjoy helping people, especially when I can make them feel better when they're feeling down. Whenever I can console Sam, "my breakup buddy," it makes me feel good. And if I could help people struggling with their life plans or their sexuality and help them avoid the lengthy, solitary process that I have gone through, that would be awesome. But the competitiveness of programs, the length, and the prospect of debt and difficulty finding jobs after school has kept me from going down that path. Hence I have focused more on careers with better pay and prospects, i.e., health care. But I've never had a passion for health care. Sure, I like working with people and helping people . . . but I'm just not sure if I can get sufficiently excited about that kind of helping. I don't know. I've been reading a lot of self help stuff lately and trying to get my head straight. Just been hard to sort through all the noise and built up baggage.

But I'm hopeful that I'll figure things out. At least I'm motivated to do so, even though I feel like I'm running in circles at times.

Older . . . wiser?

The sporadic posting continues. I really do want to write more. Not only does this blog help me, but writing is also an activity that I enjoy and want to continue to cultivate. It's just a matter of finding the time and getting myself to write . . .

Now, I actually did write a post a week or two ago. But I just didn't feel like posting it. As I recall I was in the middle of a deep funk and consequently the post was a downer. Yeah I've struggled with a bit of the blues lately. It seems that the pendulum has largely swung back to career concerns after being so focused on dating for the year after my relationship ended.

Not to say dating is completely off my radar. In fact, I downloaded Tinder the other day to give it a try. I actually like it pretty well. I've been chatting with a couple of guys. It's way less scuzzy than Grindr. Though I have been casually seeing a guy I met on Grindr lately. He's an academic from Europe and is a real nice guy. He also lives SUPER close to me. He did try to initiate sexual escapades at our second date though. I asked him to slow down and we ended up making out for a good long while. I was only moderately into it. I think I really am like the stereotypical woman in that I need to have an emotional connection in order to want to do anything with someone. Thus when guys move too fast I am not very responsive, which then feeds back into my worries about my sexuality. I am going to see him again, and hopefully I can ask him to slow things down a bit so I can get to know him better before we tongue wrestle again.

I spent the weekend working a special event in San Diego and spent the nights at my friend Ron's house. He's the one who I casually dated from approximately November to January. Things fizzled back then because of the distance and because he didn't reach out very much. I do know that he had some things in his life going on at the time. I had a very good time with him. I got quite tipsy the first night from drinks he made and ended up cuddling and spooning with him throughout that night. The rest of the weekend we didn't get quite so touchy. I'm a bit torn about him. On the one hand, he's one of the few guys post-Ben that I have been able to muster up some feelings for. On the other hand, he lives quite far and doesn't really seem to show much explicit interest in dating again. Though he certainly didn't discourage the cuddling.

Oh, and I'm 30 now. Bye bye 20s. Ugh, I'm not ready! I don't have my life figured out yet!

Alright that's enough for now. I'll write more about my latest life and career musings later. Until then!

Pink elephants on parade

I know there are plenty of gay guys that have strong opinions about politics. One interesting thing about Handsome Guy was that he was a Republican. It made sense. He grew up on a farm, he's a small business owner and works in finance. When it comes to LGBT issues, his stance was the Republican Party would eventually come around. So he votes based on economic issues.

Personally, I'm not the kind of guy who would make blanket statements such as "I'll never date someone who votes Republican!" I consider myself politically moderate myself.

What are your opinions? Do you think there is an inherent contradiction to being a gay Republican? Would you date someone who was one?

Someday

Well, my intuition about Handsome Guy was correct. After trying a couple times to narrow down another time to meet up he texted me that he just didn't feel a connection. Now if I had been more invested this may have rubbed me the wrong way. Four dates (with bedroom play) into dating, I think, should be more on the phone conversation or in-person chat side of things. But, I didn't react too much. Probably since I had already taken his uncommunicative last couple of weeks as a sign of disinterest, so I wasn't blindsided. I texted him "It's cool man." He thanked me for taking it so well. I responded with, "It's never easy." We chatted back and forth a bit. I suggested he still wasn't quite over his recent break-up (he clearly wasn't), and he responded with a sad, "Yeah, that could be the problem too. Nobody will ever match." I hear you man.

I gave him the advice that I also constantly give myself. It's true that no one will ever match our ex exactly. But that doesn't mean we can't find someone else we can develop feelings for. It will be different, but that doesn't mean it can't be just as good if not better. In fact, if the person values us enough to put work into the relationship and not cut and run in search of greener grass, then that's definitely better!

It's a delicate balance trying to maintain hope of finding someone while also trying to get into the mindset of not needing someone. It seems there are two ways to go. Either the "some day my prince will come" type of thinking, or the "my prince may never come, but I'll still be okay either way." The second way of thinking seems more depressing, but at the same time seems to be the healthier option.

I do think a lot about some of the quality guys that I have let go because the feelings just weren't there for me. Wes and especially Steve being the most recent instances. Steve really would make a good, caring and fun boyfriend. But I just couldn't get excited about him. My greatest fear is holding out for another feeling like Ben gave me and passing great matches by and winding up alone because of it.

How do I know my attraction for my ex was healthy? How do I know the very characteristics that caused him to wall me out and cut me off weren't what drew me to him in the first place?

June Adventures

I'm still seeing the handsome guy . . . or at least I think I am? We've seen each other a total of four times. And I haven't seen him in the last two weeks. Now, that included my trip to the San Francisco area, but still . . . he used to check in at least once every other day or so via text now he doesn't so much. He is in the middle of a big move and has been working long hours so that might explain part of it. At the same time, if he was really that into me you'd think he would be making more of an effort.

So I've continued meeting up with other guys. I met up with this really cute Brazilian guy over the weekend. He is young, an exchange undergraduate student, but I had a good time with him. Then I met up with a guy from Grindr on Sunday. He seemed like a really nice guy, but I just didn't feel much attraction for him. He liked me though, so I had to respond to his "let's hang out again" text today with the never pleasant let-him-down-gently text.

My San Francisco trip was fun. I spent time with my two friends who live there (YouTube Guy, aka Steven, and his boyfriend Jack), saw a friend from college and his wife, and then on my last day I met up with a guy that I had chatted with on Grindr when he was visiting California several months ago. He was really cool and I had a great time with him (figures). We were amazingly similar in our interests and also had some parallels in our career paths. I definitely plan to stay in touch with him, and if life ever brings me to the bay I definitely know who I'm looking up!

Between my new SF friend and Texas guy, it certainly seems that the guys I click with best tend to be from elsewhere. Sigh. I'll keep chugging.

While in SF, Jack acted as my gay mentor as he often does. He took me clothes shopping to get some more form-fitting clothes of brighter colors than make up my usual palette. Nina and her boyfriend arrived while I was in the dressing room so all three of them plus the gap girl had their say. According to the gap girl, I need to do more squats.

One thing that Jack likes to dish out is dating advice, but I take a lot of it with a grain of salt. I have always used the "be yourself" approach, but he is a proponent of various dating rules such as keeping your emotions close to your chest early on, leave them wanting more, etc. I guess there's something to be said for that, but at the same time I feel like those who play games are more likely to attract other game players.

In other news, improv is going awesomely and is still the highlight of my week. I had multiple shows over the weekend and they all went very well. One particular game I played ended up being the troupe leader's favorite of the night, so he put it up on our troupe YouTube channel.

I am finally applying for a new job title at work, something that I should have done a long, long time ago. It was so hard to focus on that when I was so concerned with coming out, dating, having my first relationship, losing my relationship, struggling with depression, healing, etc. etc. But the time has come. As has the time to finally get serious about the next step. It's been hard to overcome the inertia I've built up, but it's going to have to be done.

Entering Summer

Hello everyone!

A little update. Things have been busy so I haven't been blogging much.

I haven't seen Steve since I ended our dating relationship, but we're still planning to hang out at some point. I do like the guy and do feel bummed that it didn't work out.

However, I have started seeing a guy with a much higher attraction factor for me, which definitely clues me in on what was lacking with Steve. This guy is one of the most handsome guys I've dated. Our first date went quite well, with us kissing and cuddling by the end of it. The second date ended with bedroom fun, which is something I haven't done it quite a while. I ran into the old problem of not being able to finish, which I think is probably anxiety-related. This guy isn't quite as communicative as Steve was (doesn't text very often) so I'm playing it cool. He had a hurtful breakup in January, which adds to my caution. I definitely wasn't ready for a relationship five months after my breakup. So I'm waiting to see whether this guy actually has interest in me or whether he's just looking for fun to heal his heart. Another thing . . . I found out he is actually the ex of one of the first guys I went out with, 2 years ago. I remember that guy telling me the story of his heartbreak. Not sure I should be getting involved with someone who has broken the heart of someone else, but then again heartbreak happens all the time.

I am also still in touch with the Texas guy! That long distance friendship has definitely turned out to have legs! Now I'd just like to meet him in person. We're both going to be in San Francisco this month, but on different weekends.

A brief aside to play the broken record: still thinking about Ben too much. Dreamed about him the other night and woke up in a bad mood. I don't know what I can do to continue to get over him, it's been so long now! I KNOW I over-idealize him. But it's so hard to logic away the feelings. I don't feel like I'm healing any more and I just want my heart to catch up to my brain and realize that that emotionally fickle, dishonest, impulsive fool was not the great match for me I thought he was.

In non love-related news, I have now performed in more than 20 improv shows. Becoming a performer has really changed my life. It has given me the creative outlet I craved for a long time and has given me something new to put my energy toward. Hurray for that!

And then John was a zombie

What's with the weird blog title? Well according to the very addictive website TV Tropes, "And then John was a zombie" is "a situation in which a character, frequently a protagonist, is turned into the very thing he or she has been fighting."

What does this have to do with anything? Well, read on.

As the weeks went by since my last entry, I continued to hang out with Steve once or twice a week. We would cuddle, we would kiss. We would joke. Our trip down to see Ron's play was fun. Warning sign one: I found myself more physically drawn to Ron than Steve, even though dating with Ron had fizzled due to the distance and all the things going on in Ron's life.

I couldn't find any glaring incompatibilities and I genuinely enjoyed Steve's company, so I continued to see him. There were some small issues. He definitely was more of a texter than I am. I prefer talking on the phone over the impersonal, imprecise and easily misconstrued excuse for communication that is texting. I explained this to him, and I had a nice conversation on the phone with him a couple times. But he told me he's not really one to initiate phone conversations, partially because he's busy a lot. Sometimes when too much time passed before I texted him he would send a passive-aggressive type of text like "How are you, silent boy?" or the worst one, "Are you still alive?" This really grated . . . bringing back memories of Brody.

Earlier this month I fell into a funk. Cinco de Mayo rolled around, which was the two year anniversary of the start of my relationship with Ben. Thoughts of him always turn into a vicious cycle. I'll think about him and get sad, then try to block out the thoughts and get angry at myself for still thinking about him, then get frustrated that I need to be so hard on myself in order to block the thoughts . . . then I start thinking about memories of him to make me feel better, then I get sad again.

Steve texted me during one of my sad days, and I told him I was feeling a bit moody. He offered a listening ear, and I decided to open up to him about my OCD tendencies and my lingering hurt over my break-up. He was very understanding, and I was glad we talked about it. Still, as my experience with Brody taught me, you have to be careful of how much you talk about your ex with someone who has feelings for you . . . so I didn't go into much detail.

Last night I went over to Steve's place to watch a comedy special with him. Afterward we cuddled on the couch a bit, but I could sense he wanted more. I was just not feeling it. At one point he said in a semi-joking tone, "You're confusing." I knew he wasn't joking.

I had known I needed to talk to him about where we were going, and now was the time. "I feel like we should talk," I said. I told him that even though I really liked him, the feelings just weren't there for me.

This was where the conversation took an unexpected turn: we started talking about how Steve had felt during the time he was seeing me. He felt like he had had to reign in his usual flirtatious behavior because he felt it was not reciprocated. His passive-aggressive texts (which he acknowledged were inappropriate and inferior to being direct) were due to frustration over feeling like it was always him initiating communication (one of his pet-peeves). He felt like I was holding back a lot of the time. As our conversation continued I realized this was the first time I was really being completely open and honest with him. He stated that this Cal was much more attractive than the inhibited guy I had been lately.

I explained to him that I felt I had overcompensated. That since being dumped by the guy I loved I have made it a priority not to do to others what had been done to me. Not to lead them on, and to try to protect their feelings at all costs. Steve took issue with this. "I'm gonna call you out on your bullshit," he said. "I'm a grown-up, and I don't need you to protect me. Relationships come with the risk of getting hurt. It's not your responsibility to protect me from that. I can take care of myself." He also suggested that I was over-thinking things way to much (surprise surprise).

This was probably the part of the conversation when I started to break down. Yes, that's right. I was letting a dating prospect go, and I was the one that was crying. He had hit a little close to home. I realized with horror that by trying so hard not to do what Ben had done to me, I had nevertheless become Ben in my brief relationship with Steve. By trying to protect Steve from hurt, I was shooting any potential relationship in the foot. I didn't reciprocate affectionate gestures because I wasn't sure of my feelings and was so concerned about leading him on. I kept my true self shielded because I wasn't sure how I felt and hoped the feelings would kick in. But feelings can't kick in if you guard yourself. It is only by opening up, by being vulnerable, that feelings are allowed to grow. The flower of love needs oxygen . . . it doesn't need to be held under a magnifying glass. It's a metaphor I told myself countless times after my relationship ended.

Steve told me that at times he had felt a glimmer of potential with me, but in the last week or so his feelings had cooled since it didn't feel like we were progressing anywhere. The slowness made him feel we had more of a "weird friendship" than anything else.

Well, suffice it to say I felt quite bad that I had hurt him. And to his credit, he admitted that he should have brought it up sooner. Overall he was very understanding. He told me I'm a genuinely good guy, and despite my indecisiveness, I'm a lot more of an adult than any of the other guys he has dated. He ended up confiding in him a bit about some of my self-worth issues and the way I put so much pressure on myself. I swear, I got a lot out of that conversation. At the end we both agreed that we really want to remain friends.

I would like that a lot. And unlike Ben, I fully plan to be proactive about it.

Come to think of it, even though in my dating relationship with Steve I took on some of Ben's avoidant characteristics, ultimately the ending was different.

I did not lie. I did not tell anyone I loved them. I did not give false hope of reconciliation. I did not promise a friendship that I had no intention of actively pursuing. And when we had the discussion, I opened up about my own baggage. Something that Ben was never quite comfortable doing.

Maybe in this case, John isn't a zombie after all.