I haven't been all that inspired lately to update about recent goings-on. Just kind of more of the same. I went out with Tinder Guy and had a very nice lunch a few weekends ago. We walked down to the ocean and talked for a while. And he suggested he'd like to see me perform some time. But then through subsequent texting he mentioned how he thought he might be too busy to hang out again for at least several weeks (he lives more than an hour away). Our texting has dropped off, and I figure if someone says something like that it suggests they're not really that interested in seeing you more. Because if you really made any kind of impression wouldn't they want to make time? I don't know, what do you think? He seemed really interested when we met up in WeHo and I thought our lunch date was nice, but maybe I just failed to ignite a spark again.
As for Beach Guy, we've hung out four times so far. I am completely the driver of it though. Whenever I propose to hang out he has zero ideas about what to do and I have to plan everything. We've kissed and fooled around, but he doesn't initiate communication very much. In person I enjoy his company, but he sort of comes across as low energy. So, I don't really think it's going anywhere.
My mind is always going. It's a blessing and a curse. I think if anything my blogging has exemplified the "curse" aspects. Let's just say I understand the sentiment of that song that's on the radio now, "Habits" by Tove Lo. Though I'm not a pot smoker myself and have never even tried it, the lyrics of the song sort of strike a chord with me. "I got to stay high all the time just to keep you off my mind." I totally understand why people turn to substances to distract themselves. Thoughts of the ex, Ben, seem to always float in my consciousness. Sure, other things cover it up but when there's nothing else those thoughts are able to rise. That's one thing that improv has given me, a way to keep my mind occupied, to challenge myself and fight the thoughts and the missing him. Being past the year and a half point, it's harder and harder to justify why I feel this way still, for someone that I only dated for 2/3 of a year and haven't seen since. I swear, there's people who lose 10 year relationships that probably get over it quicker than I have. Why can't I MAKE myself believe that it will get better, that I'll find someone new, someone better, someone healthier? One thing I've never been good at is deluding myself. Honesty is my number one policy, and that includes honesty with myself. It seems I can't just STOP missing him. I have to accept that yes, I do miss him and that's okay. I have to accept that yes, in many ways that relationship was exceptional, especially for me. Trying to deny it, trying to tell myself Nah, he wasn't THAT great just doesn't work. Because I remember how happy I was, how much fun I had, and how optimistic I was becoming. I don't want to make myself believe that all of that was a delusion, that it was just due to naivety.
I admit, I get self-conscious when I bring up the ex in my blog. I imagine that there are readers out there who roll their eyes at mention of him. Get over him already! But once again, honesty is my policy. And if one, two, five or ten years after the break up I'm still thinking about him, then what else can I do besides mention it in my writing? I can't be fully true to myself by leaving it out.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Monday, September 15, 2014
The rarest type
My name is Cal. And I am addicted to personality typing.
For the last several years, as I've gotten super serious about figuring myself out, I've gone through periods where I'll do a lot of reading about Myers-Briggs types. It probably started with the purchase of the book, "Do What You Are."
I'm a bit ambivalent about the Myers Briggs. On the one hand, it is widely used by career counselors, employers, and many psychologists. On the other hand, it is not without controversy. Some people question its validity, which is only natural since humanity is certainly too complex to be neatly sorted into 16 discrete categories.
And yet, I always find reading about it fascinating. Perhaps it's my version of astrology.
In any case, the rest of this entry will be written assuming there is at least some validity to the Myers-Briggs.
I usually test as an INFJ, the most rare of types. Most sources I find estimate that only 1% of people are an INFJ. No wonder I feel so out of place a lot of the time!
For those unfamiliar, here's the break down of what those letters mean:
I: I'm an introvert, as opposed to an extrovert (E). This does not necessarily mean the same thing as shy. Shy is socially anxious. Introverted just means I gain more energy and spend more time in the "inner world" than in the "outer world." INFJ's are actually often mistaken for introverts, and I can say the same thing about myself. One of the greatest compliments I ever received was when an undergrad in the lab I used to work in denied that I was an introvert. Truth is, I love people and communicating. I just don't necessarily find it easy or effortless, and I often need to recharge alone after a lot of it.
N: I'm intuitive (as opposed to sensing), meaning I pay a lot more attention to thoughts, ideas, and implications than I do to the physical world around me. This makes a lot of sense to me. I admit it, I'm not "with it" when it comes to the concerns of the outside world. My room is usually a mess. I hate daily tasks like cooking and cleaning (unless they can be made into a social activity). I'm not particularly materialistic. I like intellectual conversations and am good at grasping concepts.
F: This one's a close one. I'm a Feeler rather than a Thinker. It's about how I make decisions. Clearly (if you've read this blog) I am a very cerebral, logical person. But when it comes to making decisions, my values and emotions often win out. Hence why I turned down a grad school offer when it didn't feel right to me.
J: I'm stronger in "Judging" than "Perceiving." This is the least intuitive category, but basically it means I prefer closure, stability and order to ambiguity, spontaneity and disorder. I might be near the middle since I'm definitely not Type A and do consider myself quite laid back, but over all I do get stressed out with ambiguity (my blogs wouldn't exist other wise, haha).
INFJs are often drawn to two main types of careers . . . "helping" careers (teaching, counseling, health care, etc.) and "artistic" careers (writing, music, acting, etc.) That's pretty spot on since I work in something health care related and have artistic hobbies!
In relationships, INFJs are focused on deep, meaningful relationships and usually have little interest in one night stands (bingo).
As for what types they tend to be attracted to romantically . . . one of the top ones is ENFP. Which makes a lot of sense to me! I find people who are more extroverted than me to be attractive typically, and I also like people who are more laid back and spontaneous than me. However, I like to feel an intellectual connection and also like to share common values.
Thinking of the guys that I tend to be most attracted to, in retrospect they often seem to fit ENFP. Whether they actually are or whether that's just the way they present themselves is another question. I'm pretty sure that a certain former flame was guilty of hiding behind a facade.
Now, whether I should actually use personality typology to target possible matches is questionable. It is quite common for people to state their Myers-Briggs type in a dating profile. Just like anything else, it's just a fun thing to consider.
Your turn, what is your Myers-Briggs type?
For the last several years, as I've gotten super serious about figuring myself out, I've gone through periods where I'll do a lot of reading about Myers-Briggs types. It probably started with the purchase of the book, "Do What You Are."
I'm a bit ambivalent about the Myers Briggs. On the one hand, it is widely used by career counselors, employers, and many psychologists. On the other hand, it is not without controversy. Some people question its validity, which is only natural since humanity is certainly too complex to be neatly sorted into 16 discrete categories.
And yet, I always find reading about it fascinating. Perhaps it's my version of astrology.
In any case, the rest of this entry will be written assuming there is at least some validity to the Myers-Briggs.
I usually test as an INFJ, the most rare of types. Most sources I find estimate that only 1% of people are an INFJ. No wonder I feel so out of place a lot of the time!
For those unfamiliar, here's the break down of what those letters mean:
I: I'm an introvert, as opposed to an extrovert (E). This does not necessarily mean the same thing as shy. Shy is socially anxious. Introverted just means I gain more energy and spend more time in the "inner world" than in the "outer world." INFJ's are actually often mistaken for introverts, and I can say the same thing about myself. One of the greatest compliments I ever received was when an undergrad in the lab I used to work in denied that I was an introvert. Truth is, I love people and communicating. I just don't necessarily find it easy or effortless, and I often need to recharge alone after a lot of it.
N: I'm intuitive (as opposed to sensing), meaning I pay a lot more attention to thoughts, ideas, and implications than I do to the physical world around me. This makes a lot of sense to me. I admit it, I'm not "with it" when it comes to the concerns of the outside world. My room is usually a mess. I hate daily tasks like cooking and cleaning (unless they can be made into a social activity). I'm not particularly materialistic. I like intellectual conversations and am good at grasping concepts.
F: This one's a close one. I'm a Feeler rather than a Thinker. It's about how I make decisions. Clearly (if you've read this blog) I am a very cerebral, logical person. But when it comes to making decisions, my values and emotions often win out. Hence why I turned down a grad school offer when it didn't feel right to me.
J: I'm stronger in "Judging" than "Perceiving." This is the least intuitive category, but basically it means I prefer closure, stability and order to ambiguity, spontaneity and disorder. I might be near the middle since I'm definitely not Type A and do consider myself quite laid back, but over all I do get stressed out with ambiguity (my blogs wouldn't exist other wise, haha).
INFJs are often drawn to two main types of careers . . . "helping" careers (teaching, counseling, health care, etc.) and "artistic" careers (writing, music, acting, etc.) That's pretty spot on since I work in something health care related and have artistic hobbies!
In relationships, INFJs are focused on deep, meaningful relationships and usually have little interest in one night stands (bingo).
As for what types they tend to be attracted to romantically . . . one of the top ones is ENFP. Which makes a lot of sense to me! I find people who are more extroverted than me to be attractive typically, and I also like people who are more laid back and spontaneous than me. However, I like to feel an intellectual connection and also like to share common values.
Thinking of the guys that I tend to be most attracted to, in retrospect they often seem to fit ENFP. Whether they actually are or whether that's just the way they present themselves is another question. I'm pretty sure that a certain former flame was guilty of hiding behind a facade.
Now, whether I should actually use personality typology to target possible matches is questionable. It is quite common for people to state their Myers-Briggs type in a dating profile. Just like anything else, it's just a fun thing to consider.
Your turn, what is your Myers-Briggs type?
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Wisdom from an unlikely source
I've caught up a bit lately on my guilty pleasure show: Teen Wolf.
That show is better than a MTV teen supernatural drama has any right to be. The acting is great, the character relationships are compelling (all of the actors that play the parents are amazing), the eye candy is superb (the creator is gay, so I'm sure it's no accident that there is ample beefcake), and the story lines are fairly complex.
The themes of the show are great as well. The show is all about friendship, persevering against impossible odds, family, and growing up. Several scenes I have watched recently have struck an emotional chord with me.
First is a scene between the main character Scott and his mother. He is having trouble controlling his werewolf powers, and tells her he always controlled them before by using his "anchor." Trouble is, his anchor was his ex-girlfriend. Then his mother tells him this:
"Sweetheart, let me tell you something no teenager ever believes, but I guarantee you is the absolute truth. You fall in love more than once. It will happen again. It will be just as amazing and extraordinary as the first time and maybe just as painful. But it'll happen again. I promise. But until then, be your own anchor."
Call me a sap, but when she said this it brought tears to my eyes. I naturally thought of my own ex, and my struggle to find again what I felt with him.
Now of course, later that same season Scott does meet his next love interest. But hey, he's got a team of television writers on his side.
The next scene that struck a chord with me was a scene where Scott is talking to Dr. Deaton, the local veterinarian who also happens to be an expert on the supernatural and his mentor (pretty much the Rupert Giles character for you Buffy fans). Deaton talks to Scott about "regression to the mean." Basically the theory that things will always regress away from the extremes toward the mean. So when times are tough they are bound to get better. Likewise, when times are good they are likely to be followed by times that are not so good. Bottom line, I shouldn't think of good times in the past as being the only good times there will be. And I shouldn't get down when times are not so good, because it won't last forever.
Yes, I received inspiration from a teen soap on MTV about werewolves. But that's what I love about art, whether it be a TV show, a video game, a movie, a book, a song, or what have you. It is a way to share important ideas about the human experience with each other in an entertaining way.
That show is better than a MTV teen supernatural drama has any right to be. The acting is great, the character relationships are compelling (all of the actors that play the parents are amazing), the eye candy is superb (the creator is gay, so I'm sure it's no accident that there is ample beefcake), and the story lines are fairly complex.
The themes of the show are great as well. The show is all about friendship, persevering against impossible odds, family, and growing up. Several scenes I have watched recently have struck an emotional chord with me.
First is a scene between the main character Scott and his mother. He is having trouble controlling his werewolf powers, and tells her he always controlled them before by using his "anchor." Trouble is, his anchor was his ex-girlfriend. Then his mother tells him this:
"Sweetheart, let me tell you something no teenager ever believes, but I guarantee you is the absolute truth. You fall in love more than once. It will happen again. It will be just as amazing and extraordinary as the first time and maybe just as painful. But it'll happen again. I promise. But until then, be your own anchor."
Call me a sap, but when she said this it brought tears to my eyes. I naturally thought of my own ex, and my struggle to find again what I felt with him.
Now of course, later that same season Scott does meet his next love interest. But hey, he's got a team of television writers on his side.
The next scene that struck a chord with me was a scene where Scott is talking to Dr. Deaton, the local veterinarian who also happens to be an expert on the supernatural and his mentor (pretty much the Rupert Giles character for you Buffy fans). Deaton talks to Scott about "regression to the mean." Basically the theory that things will always regress away from the extremes toward the mean. So when times are tough they are bound to get better. Likewise, when times are good they are likely to be followed by times that are not so good. Bottom line, I shouldn't think of good times in the past as being the only good times there will be. And I shouldn't get down when times are not so good, because it won't last forever.
Yes, I received inspiration from a teen soap on MTV about werewolves. But that's what I love about art, whether it be a TV show, a video game, a movie, a book, a song, or what have you. It is a way to share important ideas about the human experience with each other in an entertaining way.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
A little recap
Another post because I have a lot on my mind.
The European Guy that I have been casually seeing has really developed feelings for me, and I had to give a little talk to him today to let him know that I just don't feel the same way. This guy is not exactly out and it turns out I'm the first that he has admitted such feelings for . . . so I do feel bad. But I don't want to lead him on since I'm now quite sure that it just isn't there for me.
I've set up a date on Saturday with Tinder Guy, the guy who I met up with in WeHo for the first time this past weekend. He seemed very nice, so I look forward to it.
There has been quite a flurry of meet ups lately, so at Jerry's suggestion in his comment earlier, here's a little recap of the current and recent prospects.
Handsome Guy: Met him on Plenty of Fish a few months ago. We dated for a month but he ended it. I was on the fence about him, but found him very attractive. We are friends now. I met up with him in WeHo for brunch, along with the guy he's currently dating.
Texas Guy: I've been texting him since March. Finally met this past holiday weekend. Super nice, but the fact that he lives out of state kind of limits the potential there.
Blue Eyes: LA resident. Quite sexual and aggressive. Lives quite far from me and doesn't have a car.
Tinder Guy: Guy from the San Diego area that I met on Tinder. We happened to both be in WeHo on the same night so we met up there, while I was with my friends. Our first one-on-one meet-up will happen this weekend.
Beach Guy: Another Tinder find. I hadn't given this guy a name yet, but since we had a romantic date on the beach I'll call him this. I've been out with him twice. He acts a bit distant when we're apart, but I do want to see him again. We'll see what happens.
European Guy: Guy who lives really close to me that I've hung out with over the past two months. He doesn't really do it for me, but he has developed feelings for me. So, I had to turn him down.
The European Guy that I have been casually seeing has really developed feelings for me, and I had to give a little talk to him today to let him know that I just don't feel the same way. This guy is not exactly out and it turns out I'm the first that he has admitted such feelings for . . . so I do feel bad. But I don't want to lead him on since I'm now quite sure that it just isn't there for me.
I've set up a date on Saturday with Tinder Guy, the guy who I met up with in WeHo for the first time this past weekend. He seemed very nice, so I look forward to it.
There has been quite a flurry of meet ups lately, so at Jerry's suggestion in his comment earlier, here's a little recap of the current and recent prospects.
Handsome Guy: Met him on Plenty of Fish a few months ago. We dated for a month but he ended it. I was on the fence about him, but found him very attractive. We are friends now. I met up with him in WeHo for brunch, along with the guy he's currently dating.
Texas Guy: I've been texting him since March. Finally met this past holiday weekend. Super nice, but the fact that he lives out of state kind of limits the potential there.
Blue Eyes: LA resident. Quite sexual and aggressive. Lives quite far from me and doesn't have a car.
Tinder Guy: Guy from the San Diego area that I met on Tinder. We happened to both be in WeHo on the same night so we met up there, while I was with my friends. Our first one-on-one meet-up will happen this weekend.
Beach Guy: Another Tinder find. I hadn't given this guy a name yet, but since we had a romantic date on the beach I'll call him this. I've been out with him twice. He acts a bit distant when we're apart, but I do want to see him again. We'll see what happens.
European Guy: Guy who lives really close to me that I've hung out with over the past two months. He doesn't really do it for me, but he has developed feelings for me. So, I had to turn him down.
Gaybor Day Weekend . . . or Labor Gay Weekend?
I had a very nice Labor Day weekend. Well, except for a sore throat that I had throughout. I actually took the day off work today to try to rest up and finally kick it. Feeling better now.
I finally got to meet Texas Guy this weekend. As a recap, Texas Guy is someone that I first chatted with on Grindr way back in March when he was visiting California. We really clicked but weren't able to meet up before he had to go back to Texas. Since then we have been texting pen pals and have talked on the phone a couple of times. This weekend marked his first trip to So Cal since then. He and his aunt came to see me perform in a show, then he and I went up to LA and went out in WeHo with my LA gay crew. He's a really cool guy, and a great conversationalist. We went to The Abbey, but didn't make it out there until nearly 1 AM. So, we really didn't have much time to drink or anything before it was last call. My cousin Roger went, as did Chris and Timothy, who have been the cutest gay couple that I have known. I also ended up meeting up with a guy from Tinder that I've been talking to, since he happened to be at the Abbey as well. He was there with his friend who was visiting from the Bay Area. She was rather drunk, haha. The two of them joined our group, and I just kind of pretended that this was a friend of mine I already knew. I don't think anyone caught on that I actually had never met him before! He seemed really sweet. I look forward to hanging out with him again, and he seemed very keen on it too. He doesn't live very close to me, but he is willing to meet halfway.
I invited Tinder guy and his friend to come hang out with us at my cousin's place, but they didn't have a car and the girl was a little too drunk and hungry. So Texas Guy, Chris, and Timothy came back and hung out with us for a while. Texas Guy spent the night. Sunday morning he and I had brunch with a friend of mine, the Handsome Guy that I went out with a couple times a few months ago. He was up in WeHo with his current boyfriend and his friend who was visiting from the East Coast. After interacting with him in that situation, I realized more how much the two of us really aren't a match.
After brunch, Texas Guy and I checked out the Santa Monica pier, then I dropped him off with his family. I spent the rest of the day relaxing, and also set up tentative plans to meet up with a guy in LA the next day. Let's call him Blue Eyes.
So Monday I met up with Blue Eyes and went hiking in Runyon Canyon. I've been corresponding with Blue Eyes for a while now, and have been a bit on the fence about him. He is clearly a lot more sexual than I am. Even before we met for the first time he offered to share with me a JO video of his. Not my cup of tea. In person he seemed sweet though. Not much of a prospect since he lives in LA and doesn't have a car. But the hike was fun, and afterward we went back to his place, watched Netflix and did a lot of cuddling, massaging, and other play. We didn't make out since I had a sore throat. He also demonstrated his rather dominant nature. I just kind of let him do whatever. It was fun, I'm glad I had the experience. And we stopped short of doing anything with pants off, haha.
The weekend wasn't all positive. After hanging out with Chris and Timothy Saturday night and not detecting anything amiss, I never would have suspected that it would be the last time I'd see them as a couple. Chris was planning a get together for Labor Day, so after I left Blue Eyes' place I gave him a call to check in. He didn't answer, so I called Timothy. He said he wasn't at Chris's place, nor would he be going. There was something odd about his tone of voice. I didn't think much of it, thinking he must just be busy. However, he called me back a few minutes later to explain that Chris had actually broken up with him the night before. Now, the possibility of this happening had definitely crossed my mind previously. Chris is 25 and Timothy just barely turned 21. Though the age difference isn't huge, they are definitely at different places in their development. Still, they were always so cute together and I adore them both. It really made me sad that it had come to this. Timothy told me that he was still confused about what was going on, and asked me to take care of Chris. My heart went out to him . . . I knew what it was like to be dumped by someone I cared strongly for.
I went to meet up with Chris as his Labor Day get together was ending. The two of us grabbed dinner and he explained to me his side of the story. I consoled him as best as I could, and assured him that if he needed to talk I'd be there for him. They'd been together for quite a while (about two years I believe), so I knew this wouldn't be easy for either of them.
All in all a busy and fun weekend, despite my sore throat and the unexpected break up of two of my good LA friends. I will probably see Texas Guy again once more before he goes home. I hope to see Tinder Guy again soon.
Meeting so many nice guys, despite various barriers to actual relationships (distance being the most common one), has definitely been therapeutic for me. I feel generally happy these days, and I feel more optimistic that I will find someone else some day.
I finally got to meet Texas Guy this weekend. As a recap, Texas Guy is someone that I first chatted with on Grindr way back in March when he was visiting California. We really clicked but weren't able to meet up before he had to go back to Texas. Since then we have been texting pen pals and have talked on the phone a couple of times. This weekend marked his first trip to So Cal since then. He and his aunt came to see me perform in a show, then he and I went up to LA and went out in WeHo with my LA gay crew. He's a really cool guy, and a great conversationalist. We went to The Abbey, but didn't make it out there until nearly 1 AM. So, we really didn't have much time to drink or anything before it was last call. My cousin Roger went, as did Chris and Timothy, who have been the cutest gay couple that I have known. I also ended up meeting up with a guy from Tinder that I've been talking to, since he happened to be at the Abbey as well. He was there with his friend who was visiting from the Bay Area. She was rather drunk, haha. The two of them joined our group, and I just kind of pretended that this was a friend of mine I already knew. I don't think anyone caught on that I actually had never met him before! He seemed really sweet. I look forward to hanging out with him again, and he seemed very keen on it too. He doesn't live very close to me, but he is willing to meet halfway.
I invited Tinder guy and his friend to come hang out with us at my cousin's place, but they didn't have a car and the girl was a little too drunk and hungry. So Texas Guy, Chris, and Timothy came back and hung out with us for a while. Texas Guy spent the night. Sunday morning he and I had brunch with a friend of mine, the Handsome Guy that I went out with a couple times a few months ago. He was up in WeHo with his current boyfriend and his friend who was visiting from the East Coast. After interacting with him in that situation, I realized more how much the two of us really aren't a match.
After brunch, Texas Guy and I checked out the Santa Monica pier, then I dropped him off with his family. I spent the rest of the day relaxing, and also set up tentative plans to meet up with a guy in LA the next day. Let's call him Blue Eyes.
So Monday I met up with Blue Eyes and went hiking in Runyon Canyon. I've been corresponding with Blue Eyes for a while now, and have been a bit on the fence about him. He is clearly a lot more sexual than I am. Even before we met for the first time he offered to share with me a JO video of his. Not my cup of tea. In person he seemed sweet though. Not much of a prospect since he lives in LA and doesn't have a car. But the hike was fun, and afterward we went back to his place, watched Netflix and did a lot of cuddling, massaging, and other play. We didn't make out since I had a sore throat. He also demonstrated his rather dominant nature. I just kind of let him do whatever. It was fun, I'm glad I had the experience. And we stopped short of doing anything with pants off, haha.
The weekend wasn't all positive. After hanging out with Chris and Timothy Saturday night and not detecting anything amiss, I never would have suspected that it would be the last time I'd see them as a couple. Chris was planning a get together for Labor Day, so after I left Blue Eyes' place I gave him a call to check in. He didn't answer, so I called Timothy. He said he wasn't at Chris's place, nor would he be going. There was something odd about his tone of voice. I didn't think much of it, thinking he must just be busy. However, he called me back a few minutes later to explain that Chris had actually broken up with him the night before. Now, the possibility of this happening had definitely crossed my mind previously. Chris is 25 and Timothy just barely turned 21. Though the age difference isn't huge, they are definitely at different places in their development. Still, they were always so cute together and I adore them both. It really made me sad that it had come to this. Timothy told me that he was still confused about what was going on, and asked me to take care of Chris. My heart went out to him . . . I knew what it was like to be dumped by someone I cared strongly for.
I went to meet up with Chris as his Labor Day get together was ending. The two of us grabbed dinner and he explained to me his side of the story. I consoled him as best as I could, and assured him that if he needed to talk I'd be there for him. They'd been together for quite a while (about two years I believe), so I knew this wouldn't be easy for either of them.
All in all a busy and fun weekend, despite my sore throat and the unexpected break up of two of my good LA friends. I will probably see Texas Guy again once more before he goes home. I hope to see Tinder Guy again soon.
Meeting so many nice guys, despite various barriers to actual relationships (distance being the most common one), has definitely been therapeutic for me. I feel generally happy these days, and I feel more optimistic that I will find someone else some day.
Friday, August 29, 2014
Otherwise straight
Found this interesting article about an otherwise straight guy who falls in love and enters a relationship with his male best friend.
I find this kind of story so beautiful.
I find this kind of story so beautiful.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Mountain Getaway and Recent Dating
Hello all!
I got my new car! It was a quick, painless process. Got a Mazda3 hatchback, and I even got it in the color I wanted ("crystal blue mica"). Quite different from a truck, but I'm really liking it. I took it up to the mountains a few weekends ago for a big get-together I planned.
THAT was a relaxing weekend. YouTube Guy and his boyfriend came down from the bay area, my cousin Brad came down from Nor Cal, and other friends such as Janice, Walter, and Nina came as well. We rented a cabin, drank, played games, went hiking, lounged around and had an AMAZING dinner. Literally one of the best meals I have ever had. It was the combination of the mountain setting, the great food (YouTube Guy's boyfriend went to culinary school), and of course, being surrounded by awesome friends. I felt a level of happiness that I hadn't felt in a long, long time.
The feeling of well-being lasted for a good week and a half. Yesterday and today I'm struggling a little bit against the blues again, but it's not too bad. I'm feeling more at peace with my professional situation. I've got a good, stable job and have an amazing hobby that I'm passionate about.
I met up with a couple cute, nice guys in the past week. One I've been out with twice so far. The first date was nice, we had dinner and walked around a shopping center. He texted me afterward expressing interest in hanging out again. This past Tuesday I took him to a local beach-side town for the second date. We ate at a really cool fish restaurant, then we walked around. I took him out to a ledge overlooking the crashing waves. It was really serene and beautiful . . . the setting was perfect so I decided to go for a kiss. First to test the waters a bit I put my arm around him, then when he leaned his head against my shoulder I went for it. We kissed for a while, and it was very nice. Afterward I went back to his place. I did not have the intention of going any farther than the making out for this date . . . but one thing led to another and we got frisky in the bedroom.
It was a great night, but I was worried we had moved too fast. I always do prefer letting feelings develop a bit before going that far, but at the same time it seems guys tend to expect things to happen within the first couple dates. I don't want to wind up in a "boat without a rudder" situation with someone else if I'm moving too slowly. Or as Steve had put it, a "weird friendship."
Then to complicate things more, I had a very emotional dream about my ex Ben the night after the date. It involved reconciliation and it stirred rather strong memories and feelings the next morning. That was yesterday, hence why my feeling of well-being has taken a bit of a hit the past few days.
I should recover soon, though. I attended a monthly LGBT social group dinner yesterday, and Jake the Australian was in attendance. Though I still don't see him that often we've grown pretty close, and he's a good source of support. He is taking a hiatus from dating. Seems we're both having a bit of a hard time with it.
My main problem: I'm having trouble developing feelings for guys. With Ben it happened so fast and naturally, but it seems so HARD now. Several guys I've had to disappoint because they were into me and I just didn't feel the same way. It's hard to decide whether it's just the luck of the draw, that I'm just not meeting good matches . . . or whether there's something still broken in me from my past experience. If it's the latter, I just don't know how to fix it. I still think about the past way too much. I still over-idealize HIM way too much. I still get anxious thinking about the prospect of winding up alone because I invested in an unhealthy person and it screwed me up emotionally. I still see all my heterosexual friends pairing up with great people and feel envious.
I try to be patient with myself though. Focus on self-improvement rather than finding someone. It really is the only way.
I got my new car! It was a quick, painless process. Got a Mazda3 hatchback, and I even got it in the color I wanted ("crystal blue mica"). Quite different from a truck, but I'm really liking it. I took it up to the mountains a few weekends ago for a big get-together I planned.
THAT was a relaxing weekend. YouTube Guy and his boyfriend came down from the bay area, my cousin Brad came down from Nor Cal, and other friends such as Janice, Walter, and Nina came as well. We rented a cabin, drank, played games, went hiking, lounged around and had an AMAZING dinner. Literally one of the best meals I have ever had. It was the combination of the mountain setting, the great food (YouTube Guy's boyfriend went to culinary school), and of course, being surrounded by awesome friends. I felt a level of happiness that I hadn't felt in a long, long time.
The feeling of well-being lasted for a good week and a half. Yesterday and today I'm struggling a little bit against the blues again, but it's not too bad. I'm feeling more at peace with my professional situation. I've got a good, stable job and have an amazing hobby that I'm passionate about.
I met up with a couple cute, nice guys in the past week. One I've been out with twice so far. The first date was nice, we had dinner and walked around a shopping center. He texted me afterward expressing interest in hanging out again. This past Tuesday I took him to a local beach-side town for the second date. We ate at a really cool fish restaurant, then we walked around. I took him out to a ledge overlooking the crashing waves. It was really serene and beautiful . . . the setting was perfect so I decided to go for a kiss. First to test the waters a bit I put my arm around him, then when he leaned his head against my shoulder I went for it. We kissed for a while, and it was very nice. Afterward I went back to his place. I did not have the intention of going any farther than the making out for this date . . . but one thing led to another and we got frisky in the bedroom.
It was a great night, but I was worried we had moved too fast. I always do prefer letting feelings develop a bit before going that far, but at the same time it seems guys tend to expect things to happen within the first couple dates. I don't want to wind up in a "boat without a rudder" situation with someone else if I'm moving too slowly. Or as Steve had put it, a "weird friendship."
Then to complicate things more, I had a very emotional dream about my ex Ben the night after the date. It involved reconciliation and it stirred rather strong memories and feelings the next morning. That was yesterday, hence why my feeling of well-being has taken a bit of a hit the past few days.
I should recover soon, though. I attended a monthly LGBT social group dinner yesterday, and Jake the Australian was in attendance. Though I still don't see him that often we've grown pretty close, and he's a good source of support. He is taking a hiatus from dating. Seems we're both having a bit of a hard time with it.
My main problem: I'm having trouble developing feelings for guys. With Ben it happened so fast and naturally, but it seems so HARD now. Several guys I've had to disappoint because they were into me and I just didn't feel the same way. It's hard to decide whether it's just the luck of the draw, that I'm just not meeting good matches . . . or whether there's something still broken in me from my past experience. If it's the latter, I just don't know how to fix it. I still think about the past way too much. I still over-idealize HIM way too much. I still get anxious thinking about the prospect of winding up alone because I invested in an unhealthy person and it screwed me up emotionally. I still see all my heterosexual friends pairing up with great people and feel envious.
I try to be patient with myself though. Focus on self-improvement rather than finding someone. It really is the only way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)