Politics is infuriating. It always is. This time around, I can honesty say I am scared for the future of the country. Seeing the cast of characters that call themselves presidential candidates . . . these are the people who are next in line to lead the nation. And while part of me doesn't believe that a bully like Donald Trump, or a nincompoop like Ben Carson, or a religious extremist like Mike Huckabee or Ted Cruz could ever be elected into the presidency . . . part of me is nervous. Especially after the events in Paris, when it becomes clear that fear causes people to base their decisions more on their emotions than on logic.
A recent event especially makes me sick. Kevin Swanson, a vehemently anti-gay preacher from Colorado, hosted an event called the "National Religious Liberties Conference" recently. At this event, Swanson gave a frighteningly unhinged performance onstage, during which he repeatedly reminded the audience that the Bible calls for the death penalty for homosexuality. And while he stopped short of advocating that we practice this in our country (he said gay people need time to "repent" first), his message was clear: gay people deserve to die. And in attendance at this hate rally? Three high-profile Republican presidential candidates: Mike Huckabee (the creator of Chick-Fil-A Appreciation Day a few years back), Bobby Jindal (who has since dropped out of the race), and Ted Cruz (who stated that anyone who doesn't "start the morning on his knees" and fear God is not fit to be president).
You can watch Rachel Maddow's coverage of the event here. It starts just before the 6:00 mark.
The threat from ISIS in the Middle East is truly terrifying. The fact that people exist in this world whose overwhelming belief in a twisted version of religion causes them to commit unspeakably evil acts gives me a feeling of dread in my stomach. And the fact that people like Kevin Swanson exist in our own country, can host events attended by serious presidential candidates, and largely escape the attention of the media at large gives me a very similar feeling of dread.
Until we can stop extremism in all its forms, irrational hate will continue to plague our species.
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Sunday, November 15, 2015
Fighting impostor syndrome or, Why I need a bigger bed
Second weekend in a row with some sexual escapades; go me I guess!.
I had a message on OkCupid yesterday from a guy who is new to the area. Young guy in his early/mid 20s. Though my experience with the last young guy is still pretty fresh on my mind, this one seemed like a nice guy, and he was keen to meet up.
Well let's just say that this was not a repeat of my experience with the last young guy. After a nice lunch date and a walk, he ends up coming back to my place and almost immediately gets naked (this after I told him that I usually take things slow and that puts me at odds with most guys . . . something he obviously did NOT take to heart, haha). I decide to just go with it, seeing as I've been telling myself I need to get more sexual experience anyway. Midway through our messing around he clarifies that he is not looking for a relationship, just a potential friend-with-benefits. While I don't have very much intrinsic interest in such an arrangement, it would be a good opportunity to get some more experience, so I say I'm open to it.
Our session was pretty fun. I admit, it went on a bit long and I started to just want to finish. But near the end, when our bodies were super sweaty and slippery (I have never had such a sweaty lovemaking session, haha) I had a period where I was getting pretty into it. The sensations were good, his passion was noticeable, and I was able to finish (which doesn't always happen, especially with a new guy). Sex is really something that I need to be put in the mood for, and I also need to try to stay focused during. Thoughts constantly try to invade while I am struggling to stay in the moment. But in this case, I felt like I was almost feeling what a sexual experience is supposed to feel like. At least, a hook-up type one. I'd still prefer to have feelings for the other person!
One thing that would make things better: a bigger bed. The size of my bed definitely became an impediment, partially because he's a bit bigger than me. It's something I've been thinking about, and this experience reinforced its importance.
One thing I liked about this guy was his communication style. Throughout he was telling me what he wanted and what felt good, and he was asking me the same. Communication is huge for me, so that was nice.
Overall if this guy sticks around (he sounded like he wanted to see me again, whether that was the truth we'll see) I can see myself fooling around more with him.
It might be good for me, because I've been struggling with a bit of what seems like gay man impostor syndrome. Since I don't have the level of intrinsic interest in sex with men that most gay guys seem to have, it makes me feel weird about calling myself gay sometimes. Yes, I know I have only dated guys and I masturbate to fantasies that involve men (albeit not exactly straight-forward sexual fantasies). But because I feel so out of my element in the bedroom, I can't help but feel weird about it. It's something I really need to work through, because I feel it is the number one thing that is preventing me from finding a relationship. I feel it's the missing piece with guys like Thomas who are otherwise a perfect match for me. Heck, maybe it had something to do with the lack of chemistry that Ben felt for me at the end of our relationship.
Do any of you out there ever feel like you don't fully deserve your gay card? How many sexual experiences did it take for you to finally feel "natural" in the bedroom?
I had a message on OkCupid yesterday from a guy who is new to the area. Young guy in his early/mid 20s. Though my experience with the last young guy is still pretty fresh on my mind, this one seemed like a nice guy, and he was keen to meet up.
Well let's just say that this was not a repeat of my experience with the last young guy. After a nice lunch date and a walk, he ends up coming back to my place and almost immediately gets naked (this after I told him that I usually take things slow and that puts me at odds with most guys . . . something he obviously did NOT take to heart, haha). I decide to just go with it, seeing as I've been telling myself I need to get more sexual experience anyway. Midway through our messing around he clarifies that he is not looking for a relationship, just a potential friend-with-benefits. While I don't have very much intrinsic interest in such an arrangement, it would be a good opportunity to get some more experience, so I say I'm open to it.
Our session was pretty fun. I admit, it went on a bit long and I started to just want to finish. But near the end, when our bodies were super sweaty and slippery (I have never had such a sweaty lovemaking session, haha) I had a period where I was getting pretty into it. The sensations were good, his passion was noticeable, and I was able to finish (which doesn't always happen, especially with a new guy). Sex is really something that I need to be put in the mood for, and I also need to try to stay focused during. Thoughts constantly try to invade while I am struggling to stay in the moment. But in this case, I felt like I was almost feeling what a sexual experience is supposed to feel like. At least, a hook-up type one. I'd still prefer to have feelings for the other person!
One thing that would make things better: a bigger bed. The size of my bed definitely became an impediment, partially because he's a bit bigger than me. It's something I've been thinking about, and this experience reinforced its importance.
One thing I liked about this guy was his communication style. Throughout he was telling me what he wanted and what felt good, and he was asking me the same. Communication is huge for me, so that was nice.
Overall if this guy sticks around (he sounded like he wanted to see me again, whether that was the truth we'll see) I can see myself fooling around more with him.
It might be good for me, because I've been struggling with a bit of what seems like gay man impostor syndrome. Since I don't have the level of intrinsic interest in sex with men that most gay guys seem to have, it makes me feel weird about calling myself gay sometimes. Yes, I know I have only dated guys and I masturbate to fantasies that involve men (albeit not exactly straight-forward sexual fantasies). But because I feel so out of my element in the bedroom, I can't help but feel weird about it. It's something I really need to work through, because I feel it is the number one thing that is preventing me from finding a relationship. I feel it's the missing piece with guys like Thomas who are otherwise a perfect match for me. Heck, maybe it had something to do with the lack of chemistry that Ben felt for me at the end of our relationship.
Do any of you out there ever feel like you don't fully deserve your gay card? How many sexual experiences did it take for you to finally feel "natural" in the bedroom?
Monday, November 9, 2015
Communication Breakdown
I've been feeling pretty good lately, despite the usual dating frustrations.
One recent good experience: YouTube Guy and his boyfriend came to SoCal to visit for Halloween. I had a great time with them, and they finally got to see one of my improv shows. I think seeing me in my artistic element helped YouTube Guy understand what I like about improv, how it helps me be present in the moment and get out of my head. He said that even being in the audience allowed him to unplug from the worries of life for a little while.
Overall their visit was greatly relaxing and lifted my spirits (which have already been decently high as of late).
On the dating front, I've started to ramp up my dating efforts again after taking some downtime following the last few disappointments. There's one guy in particular who lives near me that I've been getting to know. We had texted for a while and finally met up a few weeks ago. He seems like a really nice, considerate guy, which is nice. Consideration seems to be lacking lately from others.
This weekend especially, I experienced lack of consideration from multiple individuals:
Thomas. We had made plans to see a movie on Sunday. I was also hoping to finally have an opportunity to have the chat with him that I've been meaning to have, to clarify what happened between us. But when I texted him to confirm Saturday night, he told me he had to reschedule because a friend was in town. Why he waited for me to text him to tell me this, I don't know, but it rubbed me the wrong way.
Roger, my cousin. I was planning to hang out with him and stay over at his place in LA after going on a date in the area*. But all day long Roger was unresponsive via phone or text. I ended up making other plans**, and then had to drive home Saturday night instead of staying over in the city. Turns out he started partying early that morning, and was too . . . distracted to check his phone all day long. Here I was afraid that he was in trouble or something . . . anyway he contacted me the next day and was apologetic. But with the double whammy of that and Thomas's cancellation I was not feeling the love.
*So what about that LA date I went on? It was a guy from Tinder I'd been chatting with for quite some time. Super cute, and we had a nice conversation. We hung out for about 2 hours and had a lot in common. He walked me back to my car afterward and we parted ways (with me debating whether I should have kissed him . . .), but he said to hit him up next I was around. A couple days later, this guy who has been so responsive and friendly via text for the last several weeks is now rather unresponsive. What ever happened to guys saying "Sorry, I'm not interested?" Grow some balls fellas!
**And those other plans I made after my cousin flaked on me? Well I met up with another guy. Rather unusual for me to go straight from one date to another, but hey, I was in the city and this guy had been wanting to meet up for a while now. He wasn't really feeling up to going out, so I came over to his place. We watched a movie on TV, during which we chatted and cuddled, and then made out, and then jerked each other off. The whole time he seemed very interested, complimenting me on my body. And afterward he was talking about how next time he'd have to come to my neck of the woods. When we parted ways he asked me to text him when I got home. Well I did text him when I got home, and then again a few days later (today) to see how the rest of his weekend was. No answer.
It doesn't seem like it was always like this. I feel like when I first started dating a few years ago, it was the odd guy who would just plan disappear and give me the cold shoulder. Now it seems like nearly every guy is doing it. I don't know what's going on, but I don't like it. I pledge to never do that to someone. Letting the conversation fade out is one thing. But not responding to a message is just plain rude.
But at least I hadn't had time to develop feelings for either of those guys. My heart is becoming a little more resilient. I'll treat guys like that like pinball bumpers. They may jerk me around a little bit, but ultimately I'll just ricochet off with minimal momentum lost. Meanwhile, I'll be the change I want to see in the world. I won't use people like a means to an end, and if someone likes me I will not rudely give them the cold shoulder. As much as it can hurt to be rejected, being honest and direct is the grown-up, considerate way to be. I would rather someone tell me that it's not going to work out, and give a reason why so I can learn and grow. Because the only lesson I learn from the silent treatment is that the dating scene is full of assholes.
Hey, remember when I used to name my posts after song titles, and include the video for the song in question?
One recent good experience: YouTube Guy and his boyfriend came to SoCal to visit for Halloween. I had a great time with them, and they finally got to see one of my improv shows. I think seeing me in my artistic element helped YouTube Guy understand what I like about improv, how it helps me be present in the moment and get out of my head. He said that even being in the audience allowed him to unplug from the worries of life for a little while.
Overall their visit was greatly relaxing and lifted my spirits (which have already been decently high as of late).
On the dating front, I've started to ramp up my dating efforts again after taking some downtime following the last few disappointments. There's one guy in particular who lives near me that I've been getting to know. We had texted for a while and finally met up a few weeks ago. He seems like a really nice, considerate guy, which is nice. Consideration seems to be lacking lately from others.
This weekend especially, I experienced lack of consideration from multiple individuals:
Thomas. We had made plans to see a movie on Sunday. I was also hoping to finally have an opportunity to have the chat with him that I've been meaning to have, to clarify what happened between us. But when I texted him to confirm Saturday night, he told me he had to reschedule because a friend was in town. Why he waited for me to text him to tell me this, I don't know, but it rubbed me the wrong way.
Roger, my cousin. I was planning to hang out with him and stay over at his place in LA after going on a date in the area*. But all day long Roger was unresponsive via phone or text. I ended up making other plans**, and then had to drive home Saturday night instead of staying over in the city. Turns out he started partying early that morning, and was too . . . distracted to check his phone all day long. Here I was afraid that he was in trouble or something . . . anyway he contacted me the next day and was apologetic. But with the double whammy of that and Thomas's cancellation I was not feeling the love.
*So what about that LA date I went on? It was a guy from Tinder I'd been chatting with for quite some time. Super cute, and we had a nice conversation. We hung out for about 2 hours and had a lot in common. He walked me back to my car afterward and we parted ways (with me debating whether I should have kissed him . . .), but he said to hit him up next I was around. A couple days later, this guy who has been so responsive and friendly via text for the last several weeks is now rather unresponsive. What ever happened to guys saying "Sorry, I'm not interested?" Grow some balls fellas!
**And those other plans I made after my cousin flaked on me? Well I met up with another guy. Rather unusual for me to go straight from one date to another, but hey, I was in the city and this guy had been wanting to meet up for a while now. He wasn't really feeling up to going out, so I came over to his place. We watched a movie on TV, during which we chatted and cuddled, and then made out, and then jerked each other off. The whole time he seemed very interested, complimenting me on my body. And afterward he was talking about how next time he'd have to come to my neck of the woods. When we parted ways he asked me to text him when I got home. Well I did text him when I got home, and then again a few days later (today) to see how the rest of his weekend was. No answer.
It doesn't seem like it was always like this. I feel like when I first started dating a few years ago, it was the odd guy who would just plan disappear and give me the cold shoulder. Now it seems like nearly every guy is doing it. I don't know what's going on, but I don't like it. I pledge to never do that to someone. Letting the conversation fade out is one thing. But not responding to a message is just plain rude.
But at least I hadn't had time to develop feelings for either of those guys. My heart is becoming a little more resilient. I'll treat guys like that like pinball bumpers. They may jerk me around a little bit, but ultimately I'll just ricochet off with minimal momentum lost. Meanwhile, I'll be the change I want to see in the world. I won't use people like a means to an end, and if someone likes me I will not rudely give them the cold shoulder. As much as it can hurt to be rejected, being honest and direct is the grown-up, considerate way to be. I would rather someone tell me that it's not going to work out, and give a reason why so I can learn and grow. Because the only lesson I learn from the silent treatment is that the dating scene is full of assholes.
Hey, remember when I used to name my posts after song titles, and include the video for the song in question?
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