A Thanksgiving Coming Out Story

Has it been a month already? Time flies. Well, as is often the case when I don't update regularly, I have a bunch of things to talk about. Too many for one entry. So I'll split it up!

Today's topic: Roger's coming out at Thanksgiving.

First, a recap. Roger is my cousin. I have always been close to him and his brothers, Gavin and Brad. They are like the brothers I never had. Until I received confirmation early this year, I long suspected that Roger was gay, as did many others in the family (and out of the family for that matter). Roger is the type that is fairly obvious . . . but also oblivious to how obvious he is. He's not really feminine . . . I guess a little flamboyant? Hard to really describe. But you'd know. And it's not just his love of Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift and other pop music divas. It's not just his obsessive devotion to working out and posting pics on Instagram of him in his underwear. It's not just that he's never had a girlfriend, but has plenty of "girlfriends." It's just something about his demeanor that causes people to assume. Now of course, all of those things I listed are stereotypes. But when they're all present in one individual, it makes you kind of wonder.

What it didn't make me do, however, was come to a definitive conclusion. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. No matter how many beefcake photos were floating around on Instagram, and no matter how many gay clubs he accompanied me to (at which he ran into people he knew), I was determined to let him come out in his own time, if there was even anything to come out about (oh, who was I kidding?)

When it became apparent that he knew his way around West Hollywood way more than I did, however, I began to get impatient. The final straw was when he came out to my friend Chris when Chris asked him point blank, and followed up the admission with, "Don't tell Cal."

Chris did tell Cal. And Cal did not understand WHY Roger didn't feel comfortable telling him.

I had come out to Roger more than two years earlier! Surely if anyone was safe to tell it would be me!

I had a conversation with him and pretty much confronted him with the issue. And he finally came clean to me. He also gave me permission to tell his two brothers, deciding he didn't want to tell him himself (they were already just as sure as I was, we had speculated together and were worried about Roger).

This began a snowball effect, and Roger subsequently came out to his close friends. He allowed me to tell my parents, and he talked to my mom openly about it at a family gathering (his parents weren't there, they live elsewhere).

He began to target Thanksgiving as the time that he would do the hardest task: come out to his own parents.

Background on Roger's parents: They are very conservative. They practically live in a right-wing bubble. Their home is in a rural gated community, and their only source of news is Fox News and conservative talk radio (so, rather one-sided). They also have been out of the workforce since practically the late 80s, and thus have even more limited exposure to other points of view. They run their own business out of their home now. As such, their views on homosexuality are . . . a bit antiquated. They've never said anything offensive to my face, but they have to my mom. They've expressed their concerns about me getting diseases, or having a shorter lifespan, or being promiscuous. That pissed me off more than a little. Do they know how unpromiscuous I am?

Knowing them as being so conservative and ignorant about gay people, I had been nervous to tell them about myself back in the day, in 2012. More nervous than I was to tell my own parents. Fortunately (?) I didn't have to. Roger took the initiative to tell them himself. It was over the phone. The conversation went something like this:

Roger's parents: So what did you do this weekend, Roger?

Roger: Oh, I hung out with Cal and Ben.

Roger's parents: That's nice. Who's Ben?

Roger: Umm . . .

This is where he could have said, "Cal's friend." Instead he decided to out me. And then he didn't tell me what he'd done until a month later, after I found out through my mom that his parents already knew somehow.

In any case, I digress. I am not vengeful, so I certainly wasn't going to out him to his parents. He needed to do it himself. And I assured him I'd have his back, as would his two brothers. I gave him the following caveats: 1) Don't tell them on Thanksgiving Day. Wait until at least the next day.  2) Don't tell them that a bunch of family members already know, unless you absolutely have to.

Cut to Thanksgiving. My other cousins and I pick Roger up from the airport. He's sporting his earrings in his recently pierced ears. Now, I don't think this is really the signal for "gay" that it used to be. But remember, my uncle and aunt live in a time capsule. Brad figured that this would force the issue, but I was skeptical. They'd seen him with magnetic studs in a Facebook picture. Surely these wouldn't be that big a deal?

Well, they were a big deal. His father pressed him on it, and pressed him on it. Until Roger decided to come clean right then and there.

I don't want to get into too much detail here, as the details of the conversation are between my cousin and his parents. Plus, I wasn't even present. As soon as I got the text from Roger saying "I told my dad!" I decided to go outside to give the family some privacy. Note: this was about 20 minutes before Thanksgiving dinner. Caveat 1 violated.

After loitering around outside in the dark and cold, texting Gavin and Brad to get them home as soon as possible (figures they were gone when this went down!) I tried going back in to see if the discussion was ongoing. I heard a short snippet of conversation indicating that Brad was having to explain who else already knew. Oops, there goes Caveat 2.

Ultimately, it went okay. The topic came up repeatedly over the course of the weekend, but never with me. Gavin talked to them, Brad talked to them, Gavin's fiancee talked to them. I'm sure they probably felt awkward bringing it up with me. I know at one point they asked Roger if I had anything to do with it (as if I corrupted him or influenced him). This pissed me off even though I knew it was coming. Roger had mentioned to me before that they had asked about me in that way. I know they're just ignorant and grasping at straws. Roger insisted that it was something he'd always known, that I had nothing to do with it, and that it was something innate.

In the end, Roger felt hugely better, like a great weight was lifted off his shoulders. I'm happy that I sort of got the ball rolling on his coming out process this year. His parents will take time to adjust. It's one thing when it's your nephew. It's different when it's your own son.

But, I have faith in them. Back when I was with Ben, they chatted with him on Facetime during the holidays. And after my break up, they were the only ones to call me especially to offer their condolences and to express regret that they didn't get to meet him. That phone call was one of the most touching things anyone has ever done for me.

So in the end, they still love Roger. They're not the kind of parents to disown him or try to make him change. And for that I am thankful.

So far so good

Hello all,

A quick update before the holidays. I will be taking the whole week off of work to drive up to Northern California to visit family, as well as YouTube Guy and his boyfriend.

Things are still progressing with Dean. It's been about a month and a half since we first met. I've accompanied him to a couple parties and have met several of his friends and coworkers. They all seem to like me. He has also come and hung out with me and my troupe friends a couple of times. One friend was slightly bummed that I brought him to a sketch show she performed in . . . she wanted to set me up with her friend in the group. I can't help but wonder whether that was a case of "Oh, I know a guy who'd be perfect for you!" "Oh really, how come?" "Well, he's gay, you're gay . . ."

Dean is a really great guy. Really friendly, fun, outgoing, and considerate. Part of me is just waiting for him to end things, haha. I'm doing all I can to get rid of my cynicism and allow for the possibility that maybe, just maybe this one might actually like me.

I still suffer from obsessive rumination about my past relationship, especially as Thanksgiving approaches and I am reminded of the time that my ex accompanied me across the country to my parents' house. I bounce between trying to cast my thoughts in a healthier light and just trying to suppress them entirely. I worry that I will never again be so enthusiastic about a new relationship, but I also wonder whether that isn't actually a good thing. Sure, I'm not head over heels for this new guy, but that would allow me to enter into a relationship with both eyes open. Any feelings would develop slowly out of getting to know one another and sharing experiences, and wouldn't be based on some stupid infatuation. I don't know. Just going with the flow.

The big upcoming event at Thanksgiving? My cousin Roger is going to come out to his conservative parents. And I'll be there. Should be interesting.

A promising guy

I had one of my blog readers comment to me that things must be going well, since I haven't updated lately. I guess you could say that, haha.

I did fully intend to write more often, regardless of my mood. I've just had other things on my mind lately, I guess. Maybe I'll answer more of those thought questions soon.

In any case, things are indeed going pretty well.

I'm still seeing Disney Guy, and he probably deserves a proper pseudonym. Let's call him Dean.

Since I met him at Disney Gay Days, we've hung out three times. Every weekend except one.

The first weekend, we spent a lot of time together. We had dinner at a nice restaurant, went to a dance club, saw a play, and lounged around. It just kind of happened that way since we had both come up with ideas for our first proper date.

The second weekend he came down to my neck of the woods and watched my improv show. Then we had brunch the next morning and I drove him up to one of my favorite viewpoints. Perhaps some other stuff happened in between there . . .

The third weekend we were too busy to hang out, but we did talk on the phone.

This past weekend I drove up to go to a Halloween party with Dean and his friends. Had a great time. I spent the night and we had breakfast the next morning before I needed to leave for a family gathering.

I'm liking him so far. He seems like he has a good head on his shoulders. I'm not getting troubling mixed messages. We usually check in via text about once a day or so. We click well personality wise. He's got a good, fascinating career in entertainment that he's been doing for quite some time, which speaks to his level of maturity and stability.

I'm definitely taking it slow. I'm just focused on getting to know him for now, especially since this is another guy that I can only see on weekends due to distance. I won't be able to see him this weekend because of more family activities (my mom is in town), but I'll probably visit him the week after. I'm still chatting with a couple other guys from OkCupid and Tinder that I have been corresponding with, but I'm not really messaging anyone new.

Dean identifies as a "top," which would be new for me if we were to enter into a relationship. I told him I lack experience in that realm but think I'd prefer a fairly versatile dynamic. He said in a relationship he'd be open to that. I'm not too worried about that kind of thing for now. I'm just focused on enjoying getting to know him. I'm just happy that I feel the potential for feelings for someone who, at least on the surface, seems to be emotionally healthy.

Disney Gay Days

I returned to "Gay Days" at Disneyland for the first time since I attended with Ben two years ago. The reclaiming continues!

This time around I went with my increasingly out cousin Roger, my youngest cousin Brad (the one I first came out to), and his girlfriend. The trip was actually in honor of Brad's girlfriend's nephew's birthday. The fact that it was during Gay Days was a (happy) coincidence.

I was a little disappointed that both Brad and his girlfriend seemed a little . . . critical of the idea of Gay Days. They didn't understand the "goal" of it and thought it was inappropriate for a family park.

For those who don't know, Gay Days is not an officially Disney-sanctioned event. But they do a little more than just tolerate it. Certain restaurants in the park even sell rainbow colored cake during the event. Mainly its just your typical day at Disneyland, except with a bunch of people wearing red and a lot more same-sex couples holding hands. Basically it's how I would imagine a day at Disneyland would be like if gays were a little less of a minority than they are now.

I didn't really ask, but I wouldn't be surprised if Brad and his girlfriend have softened their stance now that they have experienced it and didn't witness any debauchery going on.

The most notable thing that happened: I met up with a guy that I had met on Tinder. He lives in LA and was at the park with a huge group of people. It took some time to coordinate, but I finally was able to meet him (briefly) outside the Haunted Mansion. Later on I joined his group to ride the Cars ride at California Adventure. After that, most of his group went home so he and his female friend joined the four of us to attend World of Color and ride Space Mountain.

We seemed to click quite well. At the Mad Tea Party (basically the Disney version of a rave if you can imagine that, haha) we even ended up kissing a little bit. He initiated. I was very self-conscious kissing in a Disney theme park, but it was nice. During World of Color he put his arm around me, and I reciprocated. At Space Mountain we rode together. When we parted we kissed again. I made a somewhat impulsive comment about not wanting to make a scene. He responded by saying it wasn't the first time that two guys made out at Disney. I don't know . . . I know it shouldn't bother me but I guess I'm still not super comfortable with PDA. I realize that most of the making out I have done with guys has been in private. Ben was even more shy about that than me, so I never ran into this issue with him.

It was kind of odd meeting him for the first time while with my family. At some points I was walking and talking with him instead of my cousins, which made me a little self-conscious. But he's super nice and got along well with everyone.

In any case, we made tentative plans to have a proper date this coming weekend. During the week we each came up with separate ideas of things we could do in LA. Ultimately we decided to do them both: one on Saturday night and one on Sunday night. I know two dates in one weekend might be a lot for someone I just met, but I'm not too worried. He seems like a really cool guy, and both events sound super fun.

As if that's not enough, another guy from Tinder wanted to meet up, so I've made lunch plans with him for tomorrow. One minor detail: he lives right near Ben. The first restaurant he suggested is just a couple blocks away from Ben's house, and is a place we went to together several times. Suffice it to say I wasn't quite comfortable having a first date with a new guy in that neck of the woods, especially since it would be my first time going back. So I suggested we meet in Silver Lake instead.

So, looks to be another fun weekend. I look forward to getting to know Disney Guy better. I'm also glad I have another date so I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket.

Said and done

Question 4

When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

Logical answer: Yes. Easier said than done, so likely said will outweigh done.

But this is more of a thought-provoking question rather than one that calls for an actual answer.

My twenties are in the past. My "youth" years are fleeting. Definitely my problems have been 1) developing a life focus and all that comes with it, including goals, plans, etc., 2) getting out of my own way and allowing myself to follow my heart and true interests instead of what I feel I "should" do, and 3) learning to take chances, put myself out there, and take risks.

I feel I am making progress in these respects. But is the progress fast enough? Developing my improv comedy hobby has been a major blessing for me. It has allowed me to express my creativity, which has been a treasured part of my personality ever since I was a little kid but has been tragically underutilized during my adult life. As for the rest of my life though, I feel like I haven't really "done" much. I'm still in exploratory mode, but that can't last forever.

I want to find someone to share my life with. I want to develop myself into the strong, confident person that I know I have the potential to be. I want to live a life of meaning. I want to enhance the lives of those I love. 

Maybe I do have goals after all.

Different priorities

The radio silence from Tinder Guy finally got too much for me, so I decided to text him and bid him farewell, saying that I assumed his nonresponsiveness was an indication that he did not want to meet up again.

He texted back and apologized for not responding. He said that he is busier than ever before finishing up his PhD, and he really needs to focus on that "without distractions." He said he hoped I understood. I said I did, and left it at that.

So this is two guys from Tinder (him and Beach Guy) who I really liked, but who aren't serious about dating because of other issues (discontent with career and desire to move for Beach Guy, focus on schoolwork for Tinder Guy). I'm beginning to wonder whether I should give Match.com another try. Since it's paid I feel like I'd be more likely to find guys on there who are actually serious about finding a relationship.

My cousin Brad and his girlfriend are visiting LA this weekend. On Sunday we're planning to go to Disneyland. Incidentally, it is Gay Days this weekend. Last time I went to Gay Days at Disneyland was two years ago with . . . Good! The reclaiming continues.

Square one again

Time to take a time out from the thought questions so I can give an update on my dating life. Well, I'm back to zero prospects. The two major prospects, Tinder Guy and Beach Guy, have both run their course.

Tinder Guy has stopped responding to my texts, which is a huge bummer since I really thought he was a cool guy and thought he liked me too.

Beach Guy was starting to become uncommunicative so I texted him indicating that I sensed he was not interested in dating and that was fine, and that I'd like to still hang out if he would. He responded saying he's not sure what he's looking for, he's planning to try to get a job in another state, and he didn't know how to tell me. He did say I'm a great guy though, for what that's worth.

On the positive side of things, I've been feeling better than ever about Ben over the past couple of weeks. A lot of that has to do with some reading I've done about narcissism. Now, I don't think he's got full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but it was quite striking how some of the writings about relationships with a narcissist paralleled by own experience. Especially the three phases of the relationship: idealization, devaluing, and discarding. It calls to mind how enthusiastic Ben was at the beginning, how he grew a bit more distant shortly after telling me he loved me, and then how he jettisoned the relationship suddenly. Now, I know it's foolish to try to psychoanalyze someone from afar, but looking at his behavior through this lens has made a lot of the bizarre things he said and did make sense for the first time. And that has made me feel better, and given me actual reason to believe that it really wasn't my fault (even though logically I knew it wasn't, it was hard to really feel that way). Narcissists have a hard time empathizing with others, and even though they come across as very charismatic and caring at first, they ultimately prioritize their own feelings and ego over the feelings of others. These are things that I decided upon independently about him, even before reading about narcissism. What I know about his childhood is consistent with the theory as well.

Bottom line, thinking along these lines has really helped in knocking him off the pedestal I had him on, which is something I've been struggling to do for the last year and a half.

I was tested the other day when I received an email in my inbox. Someone had apparently had their account hacked or infected or something, and emails with a likely malicious link were sent out to their address book contacts. And guess who that someone was? My heart skipped a beat when I saw his name show up in my inbox, but I immediately saw the generic spam message in the subject line and knew the truth. I laughed about it afterwards.

In other getting-over-the-ex news, I went hiking with my friend Walter in the place where Ben and I went on our third date. I hadn't been back since. That was an important location to "reclaim." It was also the location where Ben gave me the "boat without a rudder" speech and friend-zoned me (temporarily). I remember how disappointed I was that day. If I only knew.