Desire

Hello all!

I'm trying to write more regularly, in general. This blog is only one of several different writing "projects" I currently have. I've started another blog for more general subjects of my interest, such as nerding out over rock music. I've only written a couple entries, but I'm thinking of linking to that one on my Facebook. Thus I would have this anonymous one, and that one would be accessible to my social network. I also have a book called "642 Things to Write About," which includes a whole lot of random writing prompts, some autobiographical and some fiction. Then there's the online novel writing class that I impulsively purchased on Groupon a while back. I haven't activated it yet because once you do you have a year to complete the class. The coupon expires in September though so I'll have to act soon.

Next, a big thank you to TwoLives for your very kind comment on the last entry. I'm not sure whether a relationship is in the cards in the next six months or not, but I definitely appreciate the sentiment. Ever since Thomas ended things and the other guy went away for the summer I've been kind of down about dating. As usual, with the lack of prospects comes the sexuality doubts, second guessing and ruminations. There was even a period where I was greatly missing my ex-boyfriend Ben. My first reaction to that was to berate myself for still feeling sad about a relationship that ended more than two years ago, but then I took the more healthy approach of self acceptance. Sometimes it seems I have to constantly remind myself that my relationship represented a lot more to me than just a romantic fling, and that I shouldn't beat myself up whenever I get down about it. Recovery does not occur in a linear fashion after all. There will always be peaks and valleys, the valleys just get less numerous over time. And they have.

A little while ago I found an interesting blog post at this link  http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2014/06/16/i-drew-this-graph-about-sexual-desire-and-i-think-it-might-change-your-life/

The blog belongs to a PhD who studies human sexuality. Basically she distinguishes between two varieties of sexual desire: spontaneous and responsive. Spontaneous desire is the kind that we often think of in the stereotypical man or in people with a high sex drive. The feeling of "horniness," the type of desire that seemingly comes from nowhere.

Then there's responsive desire, which many tend to assign to women or those with a low sex drive. This kind of desire is a lot more context-dependent. It happens when things "feel right."

According to the blog post, as one would expect, spontaneous desire is more common in men and responsive desire is more common in women. However, a small percentage of guys (5% or so), experience primarily responsive desire. To me this seems like another way of describing so-called "demisexuality," which has been one of the few sexual orientation terms that has seemed to describe me. Basically, those who identify as demisexual do not really experience sexual desire unless they find themselves in the appropriate context. Usually the prerequisites are some sort of affection or intimacy with another person.

Hearing about something that resembles my experience in this new way is quite validating. Unfortunately, being one of the 5% of guys that does not really experience spontaneous desire makes it hard to date other guys. Thomas ended our dating relationship, telling me that though he really liked spending time with me he thought of me as more like a friend. I can't help but wonder whether my desire patterns contributed to that. On the other side of the coin, the guy I met at the bar during Pride was all up in my business and wanted to get down and dirty in the restroom. Even though he has been sweet since then, that initial experience has colored my perception of him a bit and made me wonder whether he'd be too sexually driven for me.

Then there's the fact that I just don't find myself attracted to very many guys. There are times when I'm swiping on Tinder that I begin to wonder how gay I really am, since most guys do nothing for me. But I guess it's the same for a lot of people.

Anyways, I'd like to think you're right TwoLives. I would love to have a mutually loving relationship so that I can finally forget Ben, Dean, Thomas, and all the other disappointments and build a life with someone. When it comes, it comes. I can wait, my only hope is that it will in fact come.

And with that, a throw back to the trend on my previous blog of naming postings after song titles, and including the video!

The plot thickens, as usual

It's been a confusing couple of weeks on the romantic front.

I'm still dealing with the disappointment of losing Thomas. It's amazing how much he crept into my heart, even though we never got intimate other than a little kissing. It's striking how much I liked him. If only he had lived closer, or been more comfortable driving. He expressed interest in being friends, and I told him I'd like it too but would need some downtime first. On a whim I had asked him if he'd be willing to have more of a conversation about what happened, since he ended things while I was double parked dropping him off at his car. He said he'd absolutely be down for that. I'm still on the fence about whether such a conversation would be a good idea or not. I know "closure" is an elusive thing, but I'm having some major self-blame going on and would kind of like to talk through it a bit. The first phone debriefing I had with Ben post-relationship seemed to help at the time (though that help was undone by subsequent events). I don't know.

As for the new guy, the one who cooked for me . . . well things got real complicated real fast. He's spending 2 months this summer out of state. The reality of this situation dawned on him after the third time we got together (for a cuddle session and sleep over). He had to cancel our fourth date plans because of a family get-together, and then sent me a lengthy text. In it he explained that he thought I was very sweet and was happy to be getting to know me, but felt like he just didn't have time to date before his departure (it was a week and a half, including a long weekend he was going to be out of town). He apologized and admitted that he should have thought of his impending departure before he agreed to meet up with me the first time. He asked if we could kind of put things on hold and then pick up when he gets back.

I'm certainly sympathetic . . . it's a difficult situation. I told him I would be okay with that. But the thing is, he has pretty much cut off communication (as in, he isn't initiating contact . . . he'll still respond if I do). I don't think he was making excuses because he made a big deal about how much he dislikes flaky guys, and he's always responsive to my texts. I'm confident that if he really had changed his mind about me he would tell me the truth. At the same time, it's weird to just pretend nothing ever happened and plan to have a total reset two months from now. Part of me feels like if he was really interested he would at least be checking in a little bit before his departure! That he would have taken me up on my offer for one last meet up so I could give him a goodbye kiss! I don't know. He seems very set on doing things the right way. He said it didn't feel right to him to start something right before leaving. So my approach is just trying to put him out of my mind, act as if things are over . . . and then see what happens two months from now.

I'm enjoying talking to guys on Tinder again, despite a little bit of resurgence of sexuality doubts (they spring up now and again, my OCD tendencies perhaps). I went to LA Pride over the weekend. Through the connections with my gay cousin Roger I actually marched in the parade . . . and that's not all. I actually ended up (after some convincing) wearing a colorful headdress with him and carrying a banner in front of the group we were marching with. Never thought I would do something like that!

After the parade we were hitting up bars and I was getting more and more tipsy. We wound up in the bar called Mickey's and I was scanning the dance floor for cute guys. One caught my eye for a while, but my interest waned when I saw him light up (smoking is a major turn off for me). Then all of a sudden, a guy comes over and starts dancing with me. Before I know it we are making out. And he is going to town. Kissing, biting, giving me a hickey (which remained and got spotted by a coworker this week), and even groping me in the middle of the frickin' bar. Let me tell you, I would NOT have been okay with that if I had been sober. But I was drunk and lonely, so I let it slide. He ended up hanging out the rest of the night with me, my cousin and our other companion (who had his eyes on my cousin). He tried to get me to go back to his place (actually his first suggestion was the bathroom), but even drunk I wouldn't do something like that.

The thing is, this guy wasn't just horny. He really liked me. He got my number and texted me the next day. He was super sweet, so I agreed to have dinner with him this week. We had a nice time. He's a nice guy, we had decent conversation and he seems very into me. And I'm a little uncomfortable . . . I'm not sure why. He's not quite the type I'm usually attracted too, but he's got a bit of cuteness to him. He's going out of town for 2 weeks so that gives me some time to think. 

I'm wondering whether I have the tendency to freak out when someone is into me. Perhaps I prefer being the pursuer. I don't know. I'm worried about hurting this guy. I'm also worried about not giving him enough of a chance, since he is sweet and actually IS willing to drive to me, unlike Thomas.

Big info dump! Haha. As you can tell there's a lot on my mind! Dating is so complicated, it's nice to have this place to vent. Feel free to weigh in on any or all of what I've written.

Have a great day everyone! 

A bittersweet weekend, and a new guy

Thanks to TwoLives for the comment on the last post.

Well, it's over with this guy. I'll call him Thomas. He deserves a pseudonym since he was such a memorable one.

We missed a weekend since we were both traveling for Memorial Day. Over this past weekend we hung out both Saturday and Sunday. I had an amazing time. We went out to eat, checked out a beautiful historic house/museum, saw an improv show together . . . and then he initiated a talk. For the first time. At first I had a little glimmer of hope. Was this going to be a "I really like you and I'm ready to get a little more intimate/serious talk?" I felt the chances were good seeing as how he had agreed to spend so much time with me, and we'd had such a great time. I went first, and emphasized how much I liked him. Then he spoke . . . and told me he has come to think of me as more of a friend.

He mentioned how we'd been going out for nearly two months and hadn't done anything in the bedroom. I pointed out that one or both of us was sick for nearly half the time we'd been seeing each other, which may have affected our momentum. There also was really no opportunity for it. He admitted that he could have invited me over to his place but never did. My place wasn't an option because he never offered to drive to my neck of the woods. I told him that his reluctance to drive to me had been a worry for me, and he said that though it may be a bit selfish, he just really doesn't like to drive.

And so that's it. The guy I've been the most excited about in two years is dumping me because he doesn't like to drive, and because my keeping my distance so as not to get him sick made him cease to see me as a romantic prospect (talk about nice guys finishing last . . .) I know realistically he may still need time to emotionally move on from his 8 year relationship. But it's still so frustrating! He really had me falling for him. His eyes were beautiful, his smile adorable, his personality charming, his presence so calming. We could talk for hours, which is a big deal for me. In a follow up text after I got home he complimented me for being such a "good conversationalist." All that time spent together and that's all he could see in me? It's a wonder we lasted so long.

Silver lining: I actually went on a first date last week, since I sensed that things were in the danger zone with Thomas. The date went really well, and the second date was last night. I went over to the guy's place and he cooked. It was delicious, and we had a great time. We also made out a lot. It was clear that he kind of wanted to go further, but he stopped himself. He clearly wants to take things a little slow (but not too slow). But he has made no secret of the fact that he likes me and is very impressed by me. He is also very handsome himself. More feminine than I would usually be attracted to, but in this case it somehow enhances his attractiveness. And you know what? I like not having to wonder about what the other guy thinks of me.

That second date has given me a much needed buffer to keep my spirits high after the disappointment with Thomas. It will still be a little while before I'm over that one though, and I hope it doesn't affect what I have going with this new guy. I'm going to keep my distance from Thomas for a while. If friendship is possible it's the only way, as I once learned the hard way.

In other news, I met a fellow blogger, Aek of The Masks We Wear, for the first time in person. Very nice guy and he came to see me perform improv. So great to finally meet him :)