All-American Boy

Has anyone heard of Steve Grand?

He's the Chicago-born gay singer that the media labeled "the first out gay country singer" back when his first music video for "All-American Boy" went viral in the summer of 2013. He never used the "country" label himself, although the song and video definitely had a bit of a country vibe to it. I was quite impressed by the video at the time. Part of that was Steve's looks of course. He is super hunky, with a near perfect physique (he used to model and his underwear pics are all over the internet). The other part, however, was that the song was actually damn catchy!

Then he released a second song, called "Stay." I liked that one even more! Super catchy, and I knew that this was a singer to watch. So when he started a Kickstarter campaign to fund his debut album, I made sure to contribute. The campaign was a record setter, surpassing his $81,000 goal in a single day and amassing a total of more than $300,000 by the time the campaign was closed. It was one of the most successful music campaigns in Kickstarter history.

It has taken awhile, but I have finally received my Kickstarter rewards, including a handwritten thank you note and a signed copy of the album itself! I am quite impressed with the album. And it turns out I haven't quite made the switch to country, as the album really is more of a rock album than anything else. Some songs have a bit of a country vibe, but others are straight forward rock, and one song in particular ("We Are the Night") is straight up Gaga-esque dance pop. It's pretty much Grand's "Born This Way."

So if you want to pick up an album full of great, catchy songs song by a gay dreamboat, I highly recommend All-American Boy :)

Here's the song "Stay", which I can't get enough of.

Cal's still here

Yep, I've definitely fallen off blogging again.

When I started this new blog I was all determined to start writing a lot more regularly. It didn't quite happen.

Perhaps one reason is, even though I was trying to move forward from the "All Mixed Up" version of Cal, over the past couple months I feel like I've sort of slid back into it. Once again the inner critic is becoming extremely vocal. The anxiety is rising. The ruminations growing. The career questions returning. The longing for my former relationship, which is now more than 2 years dead, resuming.

Maybe it's embarrassment? I want this to be the story of a guy who starts out hopelessly lost and confused, but gradually finds himself and builds the life of his dreams. I don't want it to be the story of a guy who keeps running in circles in his own mind, beating the same couple of issues to death over and over and over again.

At the same time, I know that what I should be aiming for in my writing is authenticity. Regardless of how frustrating and repetitive my issues are for me, they are still real.

The latest back slide was exacerbated by the guy that I've been going out with for the past month and a half or so. He's a really nice, cute guy who one might call a gaymer. We get along very well, have quite a number of things in common, and generally enjoy each others' company. However, over the past week I started to sense what could be a pulling away on his part. Knowing from past experience the consequences of ignoring such feelings, I decided to ask him at lunch over the weekend what his thoughts were about us. He told me he'd like to keep seeing each other for now, but he's not quite sure of our chemistry.

And there it is, that word that keeps sabotaging my most promising relationships. Chemistry was what my ex Ben cited as a problem, and it was also apparently something that Dean found lacking (in bed at least). The fact that this keeps happening leads me to two possibilities: 1) There is an epidemic among gay men of holding out for some elusive "feeling" at the expense of things like compatibility, similarity, etc. 2) There is something about me that is blocking guys from feeling chemistry with me.

Maybe it's my less-than-average sexual drive. Or maybe I'm still too guarded because of my bad experience (obviously that doesn't explain my ex, only the guys since). Or maybe it is just the luck of the draw. Whatever it is I'm afraid of getting trapped in a vicious cycle, where each subsequent failure makes me lose more hope, and thus have an even harder time connecting with romantic prospects. I've got to break the cycle somehow.

I've set up a phone consultation with a therapist based in San Francisco that specializes in gay male relationships. A lot of things on his website resonated with me. I know that a lot of my problems are in my head. By continuing to idealize my old relationship and allowing myself to lose hope, I'm setting myself up for failure. I've got to learn not to depend on finding someone. I've got to learn how to be happy on my own.

I'm reading a book called "Stumbling on Happiness" by Daniel Gilbert, a psychologist at Harvard. It's very interesting so far, though I'm not very far into it. Basically, it's about how human beings really aren't good about predicting what will make them happy.

I'd love to stumble in the right direction soon!

The story of Dean

Another long gap between entries.

Happy New Year everyone!

First of all the topics that were on my mind that I eluded to last time.

One topic was Dean. I wanted to talk about my burgeoning relationship with him. Well, now that's over. Overall we dated from October to December. We didn't see each other much because he lived a bit far away and was very busy with work and his extremely active social life. At the same time, I did manage to have some really cool, memorable experiences with him. He worked in entertainment, which meant I got to hang out with other people in the industry such as writers and executives. I even got to meet a couple of actors and attend an exclusive holiday party for a production company. So that was cool.

Ultimately, both Dean and I had some issues with the relationship. For me, the feelings weren't quite where they should be. I was giving it time, since I felt like with all the December parties and everything, we really hadn't gotten enough time to get to know each other one-on-one. For Dean, however, there were other issues. Ultimately, he felt like we were at different stages in life, which is true. He has an established, successful, high status career. While I'm doing alright professionally, having gotten a promotion not too long ago, it's not exactly my passion and I'm not sure it's where I want to stay. Mostly, the issue is that he's ready to settle down and have a family and he felt I wasn't quite there yet. He's probably right.

Another issue that Dean had was sex. The issue that I've feared would come up ever since I started dating. He detected early on that my sex drive wasn't very high. I alleviated his concerns for a while after I explained that it wasn't that I don't like sex, it's just that I'm not particularly driven to have it. We never got so far as to doing anal. He called himself a top, though he claimed he'd be willing to be more versatile in a relationship. Having never done it myself, I still don't know exactly what role I'd prefer. I tend to think I'd prefer just being versatile, since I'm not really comfortable defining myself with a label. And yet, part of me wonders whether I do prefer to be the more "masculine," dominant one. In any case, the sexual chemistry just wasn't there. I'm not sure I've really even felt "sexual chemistry" before. I'm hoping I can have it with someone, being the way I am.

Trouble became first apparent when Dean effectively uninvited me to a resort he was going to for a couple days. He claimed he needed some alone time. This was when I was in the Midwest for Christmas. When I got back to California, we spoke on the phone and he explained that he felt we just weren't going to work out. I told him I preferred an in-person conversation before we totally ended it, and he agreed. The next time I was in LA at my cousin's house he stopped by and we talked in his car for a while. We each explained how we felt about the dating relationship we had had. I told him the feelings hadn't been quite there for me yet, but I had been hoping we'd have more time to get to know each other. He told me his reasons for ending things. He very kindly told me I was the nicest guy he had ever dated, and insisted that he'd still love to hang out with me whenever I'm in his neck of the woods. We parted with a hug, on good terms.

I really wasn't sad about it ending. Yes, I'd had good times with him, but the feelings just weren't there and the chemistry just wasn't as good as I'd like it to have been.

I must admit, certain requests that I made of him while we were dating, such as asking if we could talk on the phone more often or whether we could go hiking or biking sometime, were attempts to make our relationship more like the one I used to have. Those are things I really miss. I don't think it's wrong to want those things, right? They shouldn't be off the table just because they are things I did with my ex. I just want to make sure I don't try to mold a guy into an ex-approximation, because that's a recipe for disaster.

My relationship with Dean had one casualty: I lost my friendship with the Turkish guy I've known since summer. As soon as he found out I was seeing someone he had a little bit of a fit and told me we couldn't be friends. Turns out his feelings for me were still very strong even after I had friend-zoned him. Apparently I was the first guy he'd had such strong feelings for, the one who convinced him he could feel that way for a guy (so I was his Ben . . . great). It's probably for the best, though, since I just really didn't feel the same way.

A Thanksgiving Coming Out Story

Has it been a month already? Time flies. Well, as is often the case when I don't update regularly, I have a bunch of things to talk about. Too many for one entry. So I'll split it up!

Today's topic: Roger's coming out at Thanksgiving.

First, a recap. Roger is my cousin. I have always been close to him and his brothers, Gavin and Brad. They are like the brothers I never had. Until I received confirmation early this year, I long suspected that Roger was gay, as did many others in the family (and out of the family for that matter). Roger is the type that is fairly obvious . . . but also oblivious to how obvious he is. He's not really feminine . . . I guess a little flamboyant? Hard to really describe. But you'd know. And it's not just his love of Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift and other pop music divas. It's not just his obsessive devotion to working out and posting pics on Instagram of him in his underwear. It's not just that he's never had a girlfriend, but has plenty of "girlfriends." It's just something about his demeanor that causes people to assume. Now of course, all of those things I listed are stereotypes. But when they're all present in one individual, it makes you kind of wonder.

What it didn't make me do, however, was come to a definitive conclusion. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. No matter how many beefcake photos were floating around on Instagram, and no matter how many gay clubs he accompanied me to (at which he ran into people he knew), I was determined to let him come out in his own time, if there was even anything to come out about (oh, who was I kidding?)

When it became apparent that he knew his way around West Hollywood way more than I did, however, I began to get impatient. The final straw was when he came out to my friend Chris when Chris asked him point blank, and followed up the admission with, "Don't tell Cal."

Chris did tell Cal. And Cal did not understand WHY Roger didn't feel comfortable telling him.

I had come out to Roger more than two years earlier! Surely if anyone was safe to tell it would be me!

I had a conversation with him and pretty much confronted him with the issue. And he finally came clean to me. He also gave me permission to tell his two brothers, deciding he didn't want to tell him himself (they were already just as sure as I was, we had speculated together and were worried about Roger).

This began a snowball effect, and Roger subsequently came out to his close friends. He allowed me to tell my parents, and he talked to my mom openly about it at a family gathering (his parents weren't there, they live elsewhere).

He began to target Thanksgiving as the time that he would do the hardest task: come out to his own parents.

Background on Roger's parents: They are very conservative. They practically live in a right-wing bubble. Their home is in a rural gated community, and their only source of news is Fox News and conservative talk radio (so, rather one-sided). They also have been out of the workforce since practically the late 80s, and thus have even more limited exposure to other points of view. They run their own business out of their home now. As such, their views on homosexuality are . . . a bit antiquated. They've never said anything offensive to my face, but they have to my mom. They've expressed their concerns about me getting diseases, or having a shorter lifespan, or being promiscuous. That pissed me off more than a little. Do they know how unpromiscuous I am?

Knowing them as being so conservative and ignorant about gay people, I had been nervous to tell them about myself back in the day, in 2012. More nervous than I was to tell my own parents. Fortunately (?) I didn't have to. Roger took the initiative to tell them himself. It was over the phone. The conversation went something like this:

Roger's parents: So what did you do this weekend, Roger?

Roger: Oh, I hung out with Cal and Ben.

Roger's parents: That's nice. Who's Ben?

Roger: Umm . . .

This is where he could have said, "Cal's friend." Instead he decided to out me. And then he didn't tell me what he'd done until a month later, after I found out through my mom that his parents already knew somehow.

In any case, I digress. I am not vengeful, so I certainly wasn't going to out him to his parents. He needed to do it himself. And I assured him I'd have his back, as would his two brothers. I gave him the following caveats: 1) Don't tell them on Thanksgiving Day. Wait until at least the next day.  2) Don't tell them that a bunch of family members already know, unless you absolutely have to.

Cut to Thanksgiving. My other cousins and I pick Roger up from the airport. He's sporting his earrings in his recently pierced ears. Now, I don't think this is really the signal for "gay" that it used to be. But remember, my uncle and aunt live in a time capsule. Brad figured that this would force the issue, but I was skeptical. They'd seen him with magnetic studs in a Facebook picture. Surely these wouldn't be that big a deal?

Well, they were a big deal. His father pressed him on it, and pressed him on it. Until Roger decided to come clean right then and there.

I don't want to get into too much detail here, as the details of the conversation are between my cousin and his parents. Plus, I wasn't even present. As soon as I got the text from Roger saying "I told my dad!" I decided to go outside to give the family some privacy. Note: this was about 20 minutes before Thanksgiving dinner. Caveat 1 violated.

After loitering around outside in the dark and cold, texting Gavin and Brad to get them home as soon as possible (figures they were gone when this went down!) I tried going back in to see if the discussion was ongoing. I heard a short snippet of conversation indicating that Brad was having to explain who else already knew. Oops, there goes Caveat 2.

Ultimately, it went okay. The topic came up repeatedly over the course of the weekend, but never with me. Gavin talked to them, Brad talked to them, Gavin's fiancee talked to them. I'm sure they probably felt awkward bringing it up with me. I know at one point they asked Roger if I had anything to do with it (as if I corrupted him or influenced him). This pissed me off even though I knew it was coming. Roger had mentioned to me before that they had asked about me in that way. I know they're just ignorant and grasping at straws. Roger insisted that it was something he'd always known, that I had nothing to do with it, and that it was something innate.

In the end, Roger felt hugely better, like a great weight was lifted off his shoulders. I'm happy that I sort of got the ball rolling on his coming out process this year. His parents will take time to adjust. It's one thing when it's your nephew. It's different when it's your own son.

But, I have faith in them. Back when I was with Ben, they chatted with him on Facetime during the holidays. And after my break up, they were the only ones to call me especially to offer their condolences and to express regret that they didn't get to meet him. That phone call was one of the most touching things anyone has ever done for me.

So in the end, they still love Roger. They're not the kind of parents to disown him or try to make him change. And for that I am thankful.

So far so good

Hello all,

A quick update before the holidays. I will be taking the whole week off of work to drive up to Northern California to visit family, as well as YouTube Guy and his boyfriend.

Things are still progressing with Dean. It's been about a month and a half since we first met. I've accompanied him to a couple parties and have met several of his friends and coworkers. They all seem to like me. He has also come and hung out with me and my troupe friends a couple of times. One friend was slightly bummed that I brought him to a sketch show she performed in . . . she wanted to set me up with her friend in the group. I can't help but wonder whether that was a case of "Oh, I know a guy who'd be perfect for you!" "Oh really, how come?" "Well, he's gay, you're gay . . ."

Dean is a really great guy. Really friendly, fun, outgoing, and considerate. Part of me is just waiting for him to end things, haha. I'm doing all I can to get rid of my cynicism and allow for the possibility that maybe, just maybe this one might actually like me.

I still suffer from obsessive rumination about my past relationship, especially as Thanksgiving approaches and I am reminded of the time that my ex accompanied me across the country to my parents' house. I bounce between trying to cast my thoughts in a healthier light and just trying to suppress them entirely. I worry that I will never again be so enthusiastic about a new relationship, but I also wonder whether that isn't actually a good thing. Sure, I'm not head over heels for this new guy, but that would allow me to enter into a relationship with both eyes open. Any feelings would develop slowly out of getting to know one another and sharing experiences, and wouldn't be based on some stupid infatuation. I don't know. Just going with the flow.

The big upcoming event at Thanksgiving? My cousin Roger is going to come out to his conservative parents. And I'll be there. Should be interesting.

A promising guy

I had one of my blog readers comment to me that things must be going well, since I haven't updated lately. I guess you could say that, haha.

I did fully intend to write more often, regardless of my mood. I've just had other things on my mind lately, I guess. Maybe I'll answer more of those thought questions soon.

In any case, things are indeed going pretty well.

I'm still seeing Disney Guy, and he probably deserves a proper pseudonym. Let's call him Dean.

Since I met him at Disney Gay Days, we've hung out three times. Every weekend except one.

The first weekend, we spent a lot of time together. We had dinner at a nice restaurant, went to a dance club, saw a play, and lounged around. It just kind of happened that way since we had both come up with ideas for our first proper date.

The second weekend he came down to my neck of the woods and watched my improv show. Then we had brunch the next morning and I drove him up to one of my favorite viewpoints. Perhaps some other stuff happened in between there . . .

The third weekend we were too busy to hang out, but we did talk on the phone.

This past weekend I drove up to go to a Halloween party with Dean and his friends. Had a great time. I spent the night and we had breakfast the next morning before I needed to leave for a family gathering.

I'm liking him so far. He seems like he has a good head on his shoulders. I'm not getting troubling mixed messages. We usually check in via text about once a day or so. We click well personality wise. He's got a good, fascinating career in entertainment that he's been doing for quite some time, which speaks to his level of maturity and stability.

I'm definitely taking it slow. I'm just focused on getting to know him for now, especially since this is another guy that I can only see on weekends due to distance. I won't be able to see him this weekend because of more family activities (my mom is in town), but I'll probably visit him the week after. I'm still chatting with a couple other guys from OkCupid and Tinder that I have been corresponding with, but I'm not really messaging anyone new.

Dean identifies as a "top," which would be new for me if we were to enter into a relationship. I told him I lack experience in that realm but think I'd prefer a fairly versatile dynamic. He said in a relationship he'd be open to that. I'm not too worried about that kind of thing for now. I'm just focused on enjoying getting to know him. I'm just happy that I feel the potential for feelings for someone who, at least on the surface, seems to be emotionally healthy.

Disney Gay Days

I returned to "Gay Days" at Disneyland for the first time since I attended with Ben two years ago. The reclaiming continues!

This time around I went with my increasingly out cousin Roger, my youngest cousin Brad (the one I first came out to), and his girlfriend. The trip was actually in honor of Brad's girlfriend's nephew's birthday. The fact that it was during Gay Days was a (happy) coincidence.

I was a little disappointed that both Brad and his girlfriend seemed a little . . . critical of the idea of Gay Days. They didn't understand the "goal" of it and thought it was inappropriate for a family park.

For those who don't know, Gay Days is not an officially Disney-sanctioned event. But they do a little more than just tolerate it. Certain restaurants in the park even sell rainbow colored cake during the event. Mainly its just your typical day at Disneyland, except with a bunch of people wearing red and a lot more same-sex couples holding hands. Basically it's how I would imagine a day at Disneyland would be like if gays were a little less of a minority than they are now.

I didn't really ask, but I wouldn't be surprised if Brad and his girlfriend have softened their stance now that they have experienced it and didn't witness any debauchery going on.

The most notable thing that happened: I met up with a guy that I had met on Tinder. He lives in LA and was at the park with a huge group of people. It took some time to coordinate, but I finally was able to meet him (briefly) outside the Haunted Mansion. Later on I joined his group to ride the Cars ride at California Adventure. After that, most of his group went home so he and his female friend joined the four of us to attend World of Color and ride Space Mountain.

We seemed to click quite well. At the Mad Tea Party (basically the Disney version of a rave if you can imagine that, haha) we even ended up kissing a little bit. He initiated. I was very self-conscious kissing in a Disney theme park, but it was nice. During World of Color he put his arm around me, and I reciprocated. At Space Mountain we rode together. When we parted we kissed again. I made a somewhat impulsive comment about not wanting to make a scene. He responded by saying it wasn't the first time that two guys made out at Disney. I don't know . . . I know it shouldn't bother me but I guess I'm still not super comfortable with PDA. I realize that most of the making out I have done with guys has been in private. Ben was even more shy about that than me, so I never ran into this issue with him.

It was kind of odd meeting him for the first time while with my family. At some points I was walking and talking with him instead of my cousins, which made me a little self-conscious. But he's super nice and got along well with everyone.

In any case, we made tentative plans to have a proper date this coming weekend. During the week we each came up with separate ideas of things we could do in LA. Ultimately we decided to do them both: one on Saturday night and one on Sunday night. I know two dates in one weekend might be a lot for someone I just met, but I'm not too worried. He seems like a really cool guy, and both events sound super fun.

As if that's not enough, another guy from Tinder wanted to meet up, so I've made lunch plans with him for tomorrow. One minor detail: he lives right near Ben. The first restaurant he suggested is just a couple blocks away from Ben's house, and is a place we went to together several times. Suffice it to say I wasn't quite comfortable having a first date with a new guy in that neck of the woods, especially since it would be my first time going back. So I suggested we meet in Silver Lake instead.

So, looks to be another fun weekend. I look forward to getting to know Disney Guy better. I'm also glad I have another date so I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket.