Friday, August 29, 2014

Otherwise straight

Found this interesting article about an otherwise straight guy who falls in love and enters a relationship with his male best friend.

I find this kind of story so beautiful.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Mountain Getaway and Recent Dating

Hello all!

I got my new car! It was a quick, painless process. Got a Mazda3 hatchback, and I even got it in the color I wanted ("crystal blue mica"). Quite different from a truck, but I'm really liking it. I took it up to the mountains a few weekends ago for a big get-together I planned.

THAT was a relaxing weekend. YouTube Guy and his boyfriend came down from the bay area, my cousin Brad came down from Nor Cal, and other friends such as Janice, Walter, and Nina came as well. We rented a cabin, drank, played games, went hiking, lounged around and had an AMAZING dinner. Literally one of the best meals I have ever had. It was the combination of the mountain setting, the great food (YouTube Guy's boyfriend went to culinary school), and of course, being surrounded by awesome friends. I felt a level of happiness that I hadn't felt in a long, long time.

The feeling of well-being lasted for a good week and a half. Yesterday and today I'm struggling a little bit against the blues again, but it's not too bad. I'm feeling more at peace with my professional situation. I've got a good, stable job and have an amazing hobby that I'm passionate about.

I met up with a couple cute, nice guys in the past week. One I've been out with twice so far. The first date was nice, we had dinner and walked around a shopping center. He texted me afterward expressing interest in hanging out again. This past Tuesday I took him to a local beach-side town for the second date. We ate at a really cool fish restaurant, then we walked around. I took him out to a ledge overlooking the crashing waves. It was really serene and beautiful . . . the setting was perfect so I decided to go for a kiss. First to test the waters a bit I put my arm around him, then when he leaned his head against my shoulder I went for it. We kissed for a while, and it was very nice. Afterward I went back to his place. I did not have the intention of going any farther than the making out for this date . . . but one thing led to another and we got frisky in the bedroom.

It was a great night, but I was worried we had moved too fast. I always do prefer letting feelings develop a bit before going that far, but at the same time it seems guys tend to expect things to happen within the first couple dates. I don't want to wind up in a "boat without a rudder" situation with someone else if I'm moving too slowly. Or as Steve had put it, a "weird friendship."

Then to complicate things more, I had a very emotional dream about my ex Ben the night after the date. It involved reconciliation and it stirred rather strong memories and feelings the next morning. That was yesterday, hence why my feeling of well-being has taken a bit of a hit the past few days.

I should recover soon, though. I attended a monthly LGBT social group dinner yesterday, and Jake the Australian was in attendance. Though I still don't see him that often we've grown pretty close, and he's a good source of support. He is taking a hiatus from dating. Seems we're both having a bit of a hard time with it.

My main problem: I'm having trouble developing feelings for guys. With Ben it happened so fast and naturally, but it seems so HARD now. Several guys I've had to disappoint because they were into me and I just didn't feel the same way. It's hard to decide whether it's just the luck of the draw, that I'm just not meeting good matches . . . or whether there's something still broken in me from my past experience. If it's the latter, I just don't know how to fix it. I still think about the past way too much. I still over-idealize HIM way too much. I still get anxious thinking about the prospect of winding up alone because I invested in an unhealthy person and it screwed me up emotionally. I still see all my heterosexual friends pairing up with great people and feel envious.

I try to be patient with myself though. Focus on self-improvement rather than finding someone. It really is the only way.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Rest in pieces

The inevitable happened. My precious truck, the car I have driven ever since I was 16, is finally on its last legs. My family has been pressuring me to get a new car, but I was convinced I could get a decent number of miles from it still. Looking for a new car was not my top priority. After all, there's that whole matter of figuring out what to do with my life and who to share it with!

But entropy caught up with me, as it always does. My truck's engine started to make a rattling noise last week. I only let it go on a few days before I took it in to Midas to get it checked. Unfortunately . . . by then it was too late. Take note all who read this: if your car's engine makes a rattling sound stop as soon as you can and check the water levels! Turns out my water had been leaking. I guess the radiator cap gasket was worn out or something. In any case, this caused my engine to overheat. By the time I got it into Midas it had already started emitting a strange smell. Well sir, that's the smell of your engine melting!

The prognosis was bleak: I would have to get a rebuilt engine put into my truck, which would cost $5,000. That's more than the car's worth, which means it is time to go car shopping.

Since I was out of town all last weekend I wasn't able to get a new car, so this weekend is the target. Of course, that means this week I have been carless. My roommate happens to go to school right near where I work so I've been riding with her. Trouble is, she goes at 6 in the morning! So every day I've gone into work this week I've arrived at 6 AM. I've had to get rides home either from her or a coworker. I still haven't figured out how I'm getting to my improv shows tonight. But the prospect of getting a new car is somewhat exciting. Knowing myself I will get overwhelmed by the options so I am mostly just relying on the input from my car-aficionado friends and family members. I want something blue! :-D

Transportation was less of a problem yesterday. I didn't go into work yesterday at all; instead I took a sick day. I woke up in a hugely anxious state. I've been struggling a lot with anxiety lately. Not panic attacks (I have a friend who suffers those . . . I'm so fortunate not to experience them). Just chronic, existential type anxiety. Much like I have experienced the past 5 years, minus that brief interlude in 2012 when I was in my relationship and it wasn't quite as bad (I guess that's what that relationship was for . . . giving me a little breather).

I definitely have been stuck between figuring out "my passion" and pursuing it and just choosing something straight-forward and stable. I think the latter was my main attraction to med school, sadly. The fairly straight-forward career path sounded attractive to me, even if it didn't quite set my soul on fire. My problem is I keep going toward one thing, and then when I'm at the point where I'm able to apply (or even after sometimes) I lose interest for some reason.

One reason is that all of the things I've looked at require grad school. I admit it: I'm afraid of being in debt. Even the prospect of car payments has me worried, though I know I have the money for it and I'm planning to get something relatively inexpensive. But the idea of debt scares the beejesus out of me. I'm fortunate enough to not be in debt from my undergrad though.

Honestly, one thing that has long held my interest is clinical psychology. As anyone could tell from reading this blog I am a thinker, especially about the ways of human nature and the mind. I enjoy helping people, especially when I can make them feel better when they're feeling down. Whenever I can console Sam, "my breakup buddy," it makes me feel good. And if I could help people struggling with their life plans or their sexuality and help them avoid the lengthy, solitary process that I have gone through, that would be awesome. But the competitiveness of programs, the length, and the prospect of debt and difficulty finding jobs after school has kept me from going down that path. Hence I have focused more on careers with better pay and prospects, i.e., health care. But I've never had a passion for health care. Sure, I like working with people and helping people . . . but I'm just not sure if I can get sufficiently excited about that kind of helping. I don't know. I've been reading a lot of self help stuff lately and trying to get my head straight. Just been hard to sort through all the noise and built up baggage.

But I'm hopeful that I'll figure things out. At least I'm motivated to do so, even though I feel like I'm running in circles at times.