Another long gap between entries.
Happy New Year everyone!
First of all the topics that were on my mind that I eluded to last time.
One topic was Dean. I wanted to talk about my burgeoning relationship with him. Well, now that's over. Overall we dated from October to December. We didn't see each other much because he lived a bit far away and was very busy with work and his extremely active social life. At the same time, I did manage to have some really cool, memorable experiences with him. He worked in entertainment, which meant I got to hang out with other people in the industry such as writers and executives. I even got to meet a couple of actors and attend an exclusive holiday party for a production company. So that was cool.
Ultimately, both Dean and I had some issues with the relationship. For me, the feelings weren't quite where they should be. I was giving it time, since I felt like with all the December parties and everything, we really hadn't gotten enough time to get to know each other one-on-one. For Dean, however, there were other issues. Ultimately, he felt like we were at different stages in life, which is true. He has an established, successful, high status career. While I'm doing alright professionally, having gotten a promotion not too long ago, it's not exactly my passion and I'm not sure it's where I want to stay. Mostly, the issue is that he's ready to settle down and have a family and he felt I wasn't quite there yet. He's probably right.
Another issue that Dean had was sex. The issue that I've feared would come up ever since I started dating. He detected early on that my sex drive wasn't very high. I alleviated his concerns for a while after I explained that it wasn't that I don't like sex, it's just that I'm not particularly driven to have it. We never got so far as to doing anal. He called himself a top, though he claimed he'd be willing to be more versatile in a relationship. Having never done it myself, I still don't know exactly what role I'd prefer. I tend to think I'd prefer just being versatile, since I'm not really comfortable defining myself with a label. And yet, part of me wonders whether I do prefer to be the more "masculine," dominant one. In any case, the sexual chemistry just wasn't there. I'm not sure I've really even felt "sexual chemistry" before. I'm hoping I can have it with someone, being the way I am.
Trouble became first apparent when Dean effectively uninvited me to a resort he was going to for a couple days. He claimed he needed some alone time. This was when I was in the Midwest for Christmas. When I got back to California, we spoke on the phone and he explained that he felt we just weren't going to work out. I told him I preferred an in-person conversation before we totally ended it, and he agreed. The next time I was in LA at my cousin's house he stopped by and we talked in his car for a while. We each explained how we felt about the dating relationship we had had. I told him the feelings hadn't been quite there for me yet, but I had been hoping we'd have more time to get to know each other. He told me his reasons for ending things. He very kindly told me I was the nicest guy he had ever dated, and insisted that he'd still love to hang out with me whenever I'm in his neck of the woods. We parted with a hug, on good terms.
I really wasn't sad about it ending. Yes, I'd had good times with him, but the feelings just weren't there and the chemistry just wasn't as good as I'd like it to have been.
I must admit, certain requests that I made of him while we were dating, such as asking if we could talk on the phone more often or whether we could go hiking or biking sometime, were attempts to make our relationship more like the one I used to have. Those are things I really miss. I don't think it's wrong to want those things, right? They shouldn't be off the table just because they are things I did with my ex. I just want to make sure I don't try to mold a guy into an ex-approximation, because that's a recipe for disaster.
My relationship with Dean had one casualty: I lost my friendship with the Turkish guy I've known since summer. As soon as he found out I was seeing someone he had a little bit of a fit and told me we couldn't be friends. Turns out his feelings for me were still very strong even after I had friend-zoned him. Apparently I was the first guy he'd had such strong feelings for, the one who convinced him he could feel that way for a guy (so I was his Ben . . . great). It's probably for the best, though, since I just really didn't feel the same way.
