I took a long break from Grindr. About a year. I felt like it was contributing too much to compulsive checking, and all for very little return. However, I recently was traveling in Europe (yay!), and decided to download it again to try to meet local guys.
Well, I didn't meet any locals, but I did meet an Australian who was traveling (do Australians travel a lot, or what?) It turned out really well! He was a super nice guy and pretty cute, We hung out out for a good part of the day in Rome, had dinner together, and checked out the Roman gay scene. The scene wasn't much, just a couple bars that were pretty low energy . . . then again we went on a week night. The coolest thing about the bars is that they are located right next to the Colosseum. We overall had a great time, and we ended up making out a little bit at the end of the night before we parted ways. A romantic little Roman holiday. Maybe that is my version of a one night stand. Getting to know someone over a day, swapping stories and getting to know each other, having a nice dinner and drinks, and then kissing a bit. We didn't go any further because I had an early morning, but it was a nice experience. I know the lack of expectation that it could lead to anything long term probably helped me get out of my head. We're Facebook friends now.
I still have Grindr on my phone now that I'm home. It has led me to go on a couple dates with a new guy. Very interesting guy . . . very sweet and smart. Very successful. Great, fun personality. Also not the physical type I'm usually attracted to. I've been out with him twice. He's exactly the kind of guy that gets me stuck in my head. We click personality-wise pretty well. But I don't really feel the romantic energy, the base attraction. And that kind of thing just triggers and feeds my sexuality doubts.
Cut to tonight. I notice I got a message from a very attractive torso. Six pack abs, nice chest, the works. Not the kind of profile I usually get a message from. I hesitantly respond, and he answers quickly and seems nice and conversational. He also says that I look familiar. He asks me if I was on a date at the mall recently. I say yes, and he responds that he saw me with my date. He mentions how I looked happy, and asks if it is even worth it for him to pursue me. He sends me a face pic and he is smoking hot. I assure him that things are casual with the other guy, we've only been on two dates, and I am open to meeting others. The guy asks to see a body pic, so I send him the first one I can find, a shirtless pic of me at the beach. The guy then says, "I wish you the best with this guy."
Upon further inquiry he says that I'm not his type, he likes more muscle. This doesn't come as a surprise, frankly at this point I was surprised that such a buff, hot guy would express interest in the first place. He apologetically calls himself shallow (could he not tell I wasn't buff when he saw me at the mall?) He then starts to try to convince me to continue dating the other guy. He stresses the importance of finding someone who can make you laugh, and he brings up again how happy I seemed on my date (turns out he was the hot guy I noticed sitting at the table behind my date, lol) He tells me that looks fade, and that I should go for the guys that see beyond looks.
While a lot of what he says is good advice, his hypocrisy is of course rather striking. I suggest to him that he practice what he preach, reminding him that he just called himself shallow and rejected me based on my physique. He agrees but turns it back on me and even sends me a cartoon with the following text:
"God, why haven't you sent me a boyfriend? God replied: I did but you keep telling him 'No fats, no fems . . .'"
The whole time I can't believe I'm having this conversation. Here's a guy who talks about wanting to "pursue" me, then immediately changes his mind when he sees my body picture, then tries to convince me to marry another guy he saw me with and implies I'm shallow for not wanting to marry the guy after two dates. It was all just very . . . weird.
But it did get me thinking about attraction. It is frustrating how usually the guys that are the most into me are the ones that do little for me attraction-wise. And it's true, looks fade. But at the same time I date guys for a reason. Attraction, at least some basic level of it, is important. Heck, it's what I struggle with. Guys catch my eye all the time but the guys I go on dates with rarely have the same effect on me. And especially having had a boyfriend in the past who I did find attractive, it's hard to not want that again. I give guys a chance, even if attraction isn't quite there at the beginning. But ultimately, I don't think it's shallow to want to be attracted to your partner. It's why gay guys date guys in the first place.
Anyways, Grindr can definitely lead to meeting cool people, like my Australian friend. It can also lead to very weird conversations. Will I delete it again? Probably. But for now it's just another tool to meet people I might not otherwise. And get the occasional lecture about shallowness from a shallow muscle guy.
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Saturday, August 22, 2015
The More Things Change
Despite my focus on professional issues in the previous entry, I can't pretend that my personal life is not important. It is. Very important. It always has been. My sexuality confusion has defined and dominated the last decade in a way that I regret immensely. At the same time, you can't say that I haven't been proactive in trying to find a solution.
After years of trying to figure things out in the safety of my own room, I forced myself out there and started dating. I almost immediately got a relationship for my trouble, and for the better part of a year these issues started to decrease in intensity. They were still present, but I was happy enough that I finally felt like I was making progress.
Then it ended, and the issues came back with a vengeance, During that time I've dated a LOT. I've gone on so many first dates, and though I haven't had as many sexual experiences as many guys, I've had several. Still not anything beyond oral for the most part, but still . . . I'm a bit more experienced than I was starting out. But no one has come along and made me feel convinced that this was the right path for me. And that's what is so aggravating. Ben's not enough. One relationship could be a fluke.
I hear so many stories about guys coming out of the closet, and the first time they do something with a guy it just feels right. And sure, when I have a promising prospect like Thomas, it does relieve my anxiety a bit. But does it feel right? I just don't know. It seems like my lack of interest in actual sex is the common factor that has torpedoed my potential relationships with several good guys now. Our lack of good sexual chemistry was a major factor in Dean ending things. Things ended with the gaymer earlier this year after we fooled around (awkwardly). And Thomas, the best match I've found since I've been single again, cited our lack of bedroom play when he told me he thought of me as more of a friend (even though he never once invited me over, nor drove to my neck of the woods . . . where would we have done it Thomas, the car?) Not to mention the "guy who cooked for me" who went away from the summer. He came back . . . and responded to my text with a "I'm not in dating mode right now" explanation, along with an apology. This from a guy that was very interested after our first two dates! When did his interest seem to die off? Not after his trip . . . no, I can trace it to right before he left. Right after our third time seeing each other, during which I slept over at his place and we didn't do anything sexual.
I've gone on a couple dates with a guy who has an amazing personality. Seriously, this guy is cool. I'm also not particularly physically attracted to him. I also am not sure I'm comfortable being doted on like he seems to like doing. So this is not helping my current bout of confusion.
I guess I'm afraid I like guys more in theory than in practice. Sure, the hot ones are great to look at . . . but how does that translate to a relationship? If the kind of guy I'm interested in only comes around once in a blue moon, and then rejects me for not being into sex enough or not getting to it fast enough, then why am I even dating guys?
I know that a lot of this has to do with the fact that I don't have any prospects right now that I have interest in like I did with guys like Thomas and the flake who cooked for me. But still. I shouldn't have to actively be dating someone to feel (more) confident in my sexuality.
I honestly feel like I might just be alone forever. And I know that it's that feeling that makes it possible, but I can't control it.
So if I force myself to stop dating and focus on career, it might just be because I've given up on finding someone. Because if I have to be alone, I might as well try to do what I want.
I'm sorry for this Debbie Downer fest. I've just really been bothered by this lately. Too many disappointments in a row, and frustration over never seeming to be attracted to the guys that do like me. Then there's a (married) girl I know that I seem to be crushing on, to throw that into the mix.
Maybe I just want what I can't have, what seems unobtainable . . . before I came out guys seemed so desirable . . . now girls don't seem so bad. Oh that greener grass . . .
After years of trying to figure things out in the safety of my own room, I forced myself out there and started dating. I almost immediately got a relationship for my trouble, and for the better part of a year these issues started to decrease in intensity. They were still present, but I was happy enough that I finally felt like I was making progress.
Then it ended, and the issues came back with a vengeance, During that time I've dated a LOT. I've gone on so many first dates, and though I haven't had as many sexual experiences as many guys, I've had several. Still not anything beyond oral for the most part, but still . . . I'm a bit more experienced than I was starting out. But no one has come along and made me feel convinced that this was the right path for me. And that's what is so aggravating. Ben's not enough. One relationship could be a fluke.
I hear so many stories about guys coming out of the closet, and the first time they do something with a guy it just feels right. And sure, when I have a promising prospect like Thomas, it does relieve my anxiety a bit. But does it feel right? I just don't know. It seems like my lack of interest in actual sex is the common factor that has torpedoed my potential relationships with several good guys now. Our lack of good sexual chemistry was a major factor in Dean ending things. Things ended with the gaymer earlier this year after we fooled around (awkwardly). And Thomas, the best match I've found since I've been single again, cited our lack of bedroom play when he told me he thought of me as more of a friend (even though he never once invited me over, nor drove to my neck of the woods . . . where would we have done it Thomas, the car?) Not to mention the "guy who cooked for me" who went away from the summer. He came back . . . and responded to my text with a "I'm not in dating mode right now" explanation, along with an apology. This from a guy that was very interested after our first two dates! When did his interest seem to die off? Not after his trip . . . no, I can trace it to right before he left. Right after our third time seeing each other, during which I slept over at his place and we didn't do anything sexual.
I've gone on a couple dates with a guy who has an amazing personality. Seriously, this guy is cool. I'm also not particularly physically attracted to him. I also am not sure I'm comfortable being doted on like he seems to like doing. So this is not helping my current bout of confusion.
I guess I'm afraid I like guys more in theory than in practice. Sure, the hot ones are great to look at . . . but how does that translate to a relationship? If the kind of guy I'm interested in only comes around once in a blue moon, and then rejects me for not being into sex enough or not getting to it fast enough, then why am I even dating guys?
I know that a lot of this has to do with the fact that I don't have any prospects right now that I have interest in like I did with guys like Thomas and the flake who cooked for me. But still. I shouldn't have to actively be dating someone to feel (more) confident in my sexuality.
I honestly feel like I might just be alone forever. And I know that it's that feeling that makes it possible, but I can't control it.
So if I force myself to stop dating and focus on career, it might just be because I've given up on finding someone. Because if I have to be alone, I might as well try to do what I want.
I'm sorry for this Debbie Downer fest. I've just really been bothered by this lately. Too many disappointments in a row, and frustration over never seeming to be attracted to the guys that do like me. Then there's a (married) girl I know that I seem to be crushing on, to throw that into the mix.
Maybe I just want what I can't have, what seems unobtainable . . . before I came out guys seemed so desirable . . . now girls don't seem so bad. Oh that greener grass . . .
Monday, July 20, 2015
Accepting myself, forgiving myself
I created this blog and my original one so I could be completely open about the things that are troubling me. This has pretty much been dominated by two major topics: my personal life (including figuring out my sexuality and dating) and my professional life (primarily deciding on my career direction).
Other than a period during 2010 when I wrote about struggling over the decision to go to grad school or not, I haven't really talked much about my career concerns on this blog. I think a major reason for this is . . . shame. Yep, the same reason I had never discussed my peculiar sexual fetish until recently has kept me from discussing career concerns. Which is stupid. This is an anonymous blog. The purpose of said blog is to help me work through my issues! Who cares if the same issues carry on over a long time? Keeping them to myself is counter-productive . . . that's why I started blogging!
Yeah, that's the reason why I feel shame. Because I feel like I'm still dealing with very similar issues to those I was dealing with five years ago, and for that matter five years before that.
But the thing I try to remind myself of: I'm not unusual. PLENTY of people are struggling to find their place in the world. Plenty of people feel like they could be doing more with their lives. Plenty of people feel stuck.
When I graduated from college, I took out a notebook and made a Pros/Cons table. On one side of the table was "PhD." On the other side was "MD." Those were the only two options I allowed myself. I found that notebook today while I was going through boxes preparing for a move.
In many ways I was a different person then. Yet I STILL feel, at least on some level, like a little bit of a failure for having not gone down one of those paths. The thing is, neither of them was a path that I felt passionate about. Both of them required a huge up-front commitment and sacrifices that I just did not feel were worth the prizes at the end.
What I would really like is to learn to accept myself and forgive myself. To stop feeling like I failed by not choosing the MD or PhD path.
There's a positive way of looking at my choices, and a negative way.
Negative way: You are lazy and fearful. You have let fear and your risk aversion control your life and keep you from achieving the level of success you're capable of. You've focused on and prioritized personal issues, which will keep you mediocre. Your search for your life's passion will prove fruitless as you're chasing after a mirage.
Positive way: You have grown and learned much from your experiences and you are still learning and growing. You are living a more authentic life now by making room for your interests and rightfully prioritizing your personal life (because it has meaning to you). You will not be mediocre, because you CARE. PhD and MD are not the be-all end-all to success, and success itself is relative anyway. True success is found by living an authentic life. Not by forcing yourself into competitive high-level career paths that do not speak to your heart.
I want to fully believe in the latter. But exorcising the former is difficult at times. My mood seems to correlate with how much I've internalized the Positive Way at any given time.
It's important for me to make progress in this realm of my life. In fact, I've decided that it should be my Number One priority. I have not achieved a lasting relationship in the last three years despite all of my efforts and time that I've put towards dating. I think focusing on myself, my career, and my life in general are more likely to help me get the relationship I want than focusing on meeting guy after guy. I need to become the kind of guy that any other guy would feel grateful to be able to date. And I'll do that by working on becoming more fulfilled in the other realms of my life.
Not to say I'm going to stop dating. I'll still date. But it can't be my primary focus. There's more work to be done.
Other than a period during 2010 when I wrote about struggling over the decision to go to grad school or not, I haven't really talked much about my career concerns on this blog. I think a major reason for this is . . . shame. Yep, the same reason I had never discussed my peculiar sexual fetish until recently has kept me from discussing career concerns. Which is stupid. This is an anonymous blog. The purpose of said blog is to help me work through my issues! Who cares if the same issues carry on over a long time? Keeping them to myself is counter-productive . . . that's why I started blogging!
Yeah, that's the reason why I feel shame. Because I feel like I'm still dealing with very similar issues to those I was dealing with five years ago, and for that matter five years before that.
But the thing I try to remind myself of: I'm not unusual. PLENTY of people are struggling to find their place in the world. Plenty of people feel like they could be doing more with their lives. Plenty of people feel stuck.
When I graduated from college, I took out a notebook and made a Pros/Cons table. On one side of the table was "PhD." On the other side was "MD." Those were the only two options I allowed myself. I found that notebook today while I was going through boxes preparing for a move.
In many ways I was a different person then. Yet I STILL feel, at least on some level, like a little bit of a failure for having not gone down one of those paths. The thing is, neither of them was a path that I felt passionate about. Both of them required a huge up-front commitment and sacrifices that I just did not feel were worth the prizes at the end.
What I would really like is to learn to accept myself and forgive myself. To stop feeling like I failed by not choosing the MD or PhD path.
There's a positive way of looking at my choices, and a negative way.
Negative way: You are lazy and fearful. You have let fear and your risk aversion control your life and keep you from achieving the level of success you're capable of. You've focused on and prioritized personal issues, which will keep you mediocre. Your search for your life's passion will prove fruitless as you're chasing after a mirage.
Positive way: You have grown and learned much from your experiences and you are still learning and growing. You are living a more authentic life now by making room for your interests and rightfully prioritizing your personal life (because it has meaning to you). You will not be mediocre, because you CARE. PhD and MD are not the be-all end-all to success, and success itself is relative anyway. True success is found by living an authentic life. Not by forcing yourself into competitive high-level career paths that do not speak to your heart.
I want to fully believe in the latter. But exorcising the former is difficult at times. My mood seems to correlate with how much I've internalized the Positive Way at any given time.
It's important for me to make progress in this realm of my life. In fact, I've decided that it should be my Number One priority. I have not achieved a lasting relationship in the last three years despite all of my efforts and time that I've put towards dating. I think focusing on myself, my career, and my life in general are more likely to help me get the relationship I want than focusing on meeting guy after guy. I need to become the kind of guy that any other guy would feel grateful to be able to date. And I'll do that by working on becoming more fulfilled in the other realms of my life.
Not to say I'm going to stop dating. I'll still date. But it can't be my primary focus. There's more work to be done.
Monday, July 6, 2015
Not so weird
I'm curious as to what people think of my previous entry . . . it was definitely one of my most personal. I was inspired to come clean by YouTube user "Adorkable," a gay guy who has talked on his channel about having a transformation fetish.
I tell ya, it is liberating to feel like you're not as weird as you thought you were. Between reading more about that, and finding Emily Nagoski's blog, I'm feeling more comfortable with my sexuality than I can remember.
Here is another article where she talks about spontaneous vs. responsive desire, and the results of society's glorification of the former and misunderstanding of the latter.
What she says about responsive desire strikes a chord with me. Doesn't randomly want sex? Check. Would be fine with having sex once a week or less? Check. Able to get aroused in the appropriate context? Check.
I had a date with a guy in LA last night. He was quite cute and really nice, and I related to him quite a bit with his coming out story. We kissed before parting ways, and that woke me up downstairs. Meanwhile, watching Magic Mike with my cousin on the 4th of July, though very pleasurable to the senses, noticeably didn't leave me feeling aroused. Old Cal might have started over thinking that and wondering how he could really be gay if Channing Tatum gyrating couldn't give him a boner. But now that I've had a bit of a paradigm shift, I realize that not all gay guys are the same. Sure, the majority of them might be horn dogs (as with the majority of men), but not all.
I had breakfast with Thomas for the first time since he ended things. I want to keep him as a friend, especially seeing as how we really never got very serious. Damn do I still like him though! We had a great conversation and I was reminded of how I relate to him in so many ways. But, I have learned from past experience that when a guy says he doesn't want to date, you have to believe him. Because even if pushing the issue got me a relationship, it would not be a relationship with a very strong foundation. And I really don't need Ben 2.0.
Speaking of Ben, my cousin Roger made the questionable decision to remind me of Ben's birthday recently. What can I say, Roger is not always the most tactful (he's the one who semi-inadvertently outed me to my aunt and uncle after all). I successfully resisted any and all urges to reach out to my ex, so yay for me. But then later that day, as I was hiking with a friend, I saw a guy who looked very much like Ben. For a moment I thought it was actually him. And in that moment I got a little preview of what actually running into him would feel like. Let me tell you, it was not pleasant. Kind of like having an ice cream headache in my whole body. So yeah, that specter still haunts me. But, I've learned that it's something I just have to live with. Getting over a lost love has some active elements, but it's primarily a passive process it seems.
As addicted as I seem to be to dating, I'm beginning to feel the clock tick again on career issues. Though my job is decent (and better than the job I had during my acute career crisis several years ago), I still have the nagging feeling that I should be doing more with my life. I just keep having the fear that changing paths will adversely affect my ability to have a relationship. It seems my greatest fear is being alone, and that fear affects my life choices a lot more than it should. But then again, I've kept my current job that leaves me plenty of time to date, and what relationship do I have to show for it? I'm taking baby steps to figure these things out, but I just feel like my youth is running out. A big change or risk is going to have to happen at some point.
Even with these concerns, I know I'm not alone. They are concerns and worries that plenty of people have. I just hope as I look back at this time in my life 20 years from now, I will be looking back from a place of contentment.
Saturday, July 4, 2015
Big reveal
I've been blogging for years, and one of the primary topics of this blog and my other one has been my journey toward figuring out my sexuality. However, there is a missing piece of the puzzle, and I don't think I have ever discussed it before. Why? I admit it. Because it's unusual. As hard as it was to come to terms with being attracted to men, it was at least something that was widespread in society. Unusual fetishes on the other hand . . . well thankfully because of the internet I know I am not alone in that respect either.
There is an unusual fetish that nonetheless has a presence on certain internet communities. It is known as a transformation fetish.
Transformation fetishists are aroused by depictions or descriptions of transformation. Who is doing the transforming and what they are transforming into varies. Some people get off on transgender transformations, or depictions/descriptions of men turning into women and vice versa. Others like age progression/regression. Others like transformations into animals, statues, objects . . . what have you.
For me, over the years I have managed to break down the elements of a transformation that I find erotic. At this point it is clear to me what kind of transformation does it for me and what kind doesn't. Male to female, for example, doesn't. Human to small animal or statue? Nope.
A transformation needs the following elements to get me hot and bothered:
1. It needs to be involuntary, brought on by something outside the character. This might be why the "Animorphs" book series never really did anything for me in that way. The characters could turn into animals at will. Well, that and also the next item . . .
2. It needs to involve an enhancement of masculine characteristics. Physically that usually means increased musculature. If this comes with stereotypical masculine personality changes (aggression, confidence, sexual drive), all the better. So a cartoon with a man being changed into a frog probably won't interest me. But an episode of the Aladdin cartoon show where Aladdin is transformed into a vicious shark? Ding.
3. The scenario is further enhanced if there is an element of mind control. So stories that mix transformation with hypnosis are extra interesting.
4. While POOF type instantaneous transformations are okay, it's much better if the transformation is slow and detailed. Taylor Lautner in Twilight? Meh. David Naughton in An American Werewolf in London. Woof.
This fetish has long been a source of shame for me. Having been a very conservative, withdrawn, goody-two shoes growing up, that doesn't come as much of a surprise.
My earliest transformation-related memories are dreams that I had when I was very young. Dreams of being forcibly changed into various creatures might be horrific for some kids, but I liked them. I also remember various cartoons with transformations in them, such as the aforementioned Aladdin cartoon, Conan the Adventurer, and many others.
When I was a teenager I had a fascination with werewolves. This makes sense, as werewolves meet all of the above criteria. In fact, the transformation scene in An American Werewolf in London is one of my first memories of getting aroused by external stimuli.
That was what turned me on in my teenage years. As it was something I was ashamed of, I naturally suppressed it. I remember one time I printed out an image of myself as a merman . . . that did not go over well with my parents.
Despite my embarrassment I would still entertain my interest now and then. I would seek out transformation related media wherever I could, particularly anything werewolf related. I discovered the Transformation Story Archive online, which paved the way to me discovering that there was actually an online community of transformation fetishists. The revelation that there were actually others with the same or a similar fetish was huge. It made me feel much less like a freak, though I was still not to the point where I was comfortable sharing my fetish with anyone.
I think part of the reason was because I was uncomfortable with some of the overlap of my fetish with other unusual fetishes. Because some of the scenarios that aroused me involved animal transformations, I was afraid that I was on a slippery slope toward bestiality. I also discovered the furry community online, since there is some overlap between them and the transformation fetish community. I was not into that at all. and (apologies to any furries), the idea pretty much repulsed me.
Then, as I began to acknowledge feelings I had for certain guys in college, I began to look at my fetish in a new light. Perhaps, in a way, I was using my fetish to mask my latent homosexuality? That's when I realized the importance of masculine characteristics in the stories that I found most arousing.
The first big step toward self-acceptance was opening up about my fetish in therapy. The next big step was telling the first non-therapist, who was my ex-boyfriend Ben. When I told him, he treated it as a non-issue, and even good-naturedly observed "Oh, so that's why you're a fan of that Teen Wolf show." His effortless acceptance was greatly validating.
After he dumped me and jettisoned me from his life it took a while to feel safe enough to tell another person, but eventually I opened up to a few of my closest friends and a couple of my cousins. Recently I had a rather in-depth discussion about it with my friend Jack (YouTube guy's boyfriend), and even shared with him some of the stories from one of my favorite websites.
In recent years, as I have accepted my attraction to men, my interest in werewolves has waned. Instead, I tend to read transformation stories with much more explicit gay overtones. The stories usually involve muscle growth and sometimes even straight-to-gay transformations. Even within such stories, however, I run into elements that don't do it for me, which reminds me that everyone has their own idiosyncratic kinks.
Since this fetish was pretty much the only thing that would get me aroused during my formative years, I naturally had a difficult time figuring out whether to date men or women. Even when I finally allowed for the possibility of being gay, I still had a hard time feeling truly "turned on" by guys. I don't fetishize genitalia like some people seem to do. Porn has never done much for me. I guess my goal recently has been to try to find where my fetish has the most overlap with reality (since the possibility of dating a werewolf or The Hulk is slim). Ideally I'd like to be able to tap into what turns me on the most so that I can properly perform with a sexual partner. I know some people use role play. Maybe I will try that someday.
Anyways, I thought it was important to finally address this subject, since it is an element of what makes me who I am and has also complicated my sex/dating life. Has anyone heard of the transformation fetish before (or have it themselves?) What unusual kinks do you have?
There is an unusual fetish that nonetheless has a presence on certain internet communities. It is known as a transformation fetish.
Transformation fetishists are aroused by depictions or descriptions of transformation. Who is doing the transforming and what they are transforming into varies. Some people get off on transgender transformations, or depictions/descriptions of men turning into women and vice versa. Others like age progression/regression. Others like transformations into animals, statues, objects . . . what have you.
For me, over the years I have managed to break down the elements of a transformation that I find erotic. At this point it is clear to me what kind of transformation does it for me and what kind doesn't. Male to female, for example, doesn't. Human to small animal or statue? Nope.
A transformation needs the following elements to get me hot and bothered:
1. It needs to be involuntary, brought on by something outside the character. This might be why the "Animorphs" book series never really did anything for me in that way. The characters could turn into animals at will. Well, that and also the next item . . .
2. It needs to involve an enhancement of masculine characteristics. Physically that usually means increased musculature. If this comes with stereotypical masculine personality changes (aggression, confidence, sexual drive), all the better. So a cartoon with a man being changed into a frog probably won't interest me. But an episode of the Aladdin cartoon show where Aladdin is transformed into a vicious shark? Ding.
3. The scenario is further enhanced if there is an element of mind control. So stories that mix transformation with hypnosis are extra interesting.
4. While POOF type instantaneous transformations are okay, it's much better if the transformation is slow and detailed. Taylor Lautner in Twilight? Meh. David Naughton in An American Werewolf in London. Woof.
This fetish has long been a source of shame for me. Having been a very conservative, withdrawn, goody-two shoes growing up, that doesn't come as much of a surprise.
My earliest transformation-related memories are dreams that I had when I was very young. Dreams of being forcibly changed into various creatures might be horrific for some kids, but I liked them. I also remember various cartoons with transformations in them, such as the aforementioned Aladdin cartoon, Conan the Adventurer, and many others.
When I was a teenager I had a fascination with werewolves. This makes sense, as werewolves meet all of the above criteria. In fact, the transformation scene in An American Werewolf in London is one of my first memories of getting aroused by external stimuli.
That was what turned me on in my teenage years. As it was something I was ashamed of, I naturally suppressed it. I remember one time I printed out an image of myself as a merman . . . that did not go over well with my parents.
Despite my embarrassment I would still entertain my interest now and then. I would seek out transformation related media wherever I could, particularly anything werewolf related. I discovered the Transformation Story Archive online, which paved the way to me discovering that there was actually an online community of transformation fetishists. The revelation that there were actually others with the same or a similar fetish was huge. It made me feel much less like a freak, though I was still not to the point where I was comfortable sharing my fetish with anyone.
I think part of the reason was because I was uncomfortable with some of the overlap of my fetish with other unusual fetishes. Because some of the scenarios that aroused me involved animal transformations, I was afraid that I was on a slippery slope toward bestiality. I also discovered the furry community online, since there is some overlap between them and the transformation fetish community. I was not into that at all. and (apologies to any furries), the idea pretty much repulsed me.
Then, as I began to acknowledge feelings I had for certain guys in college, I began to look at my fetish in a new light. Perhaps, in a way, I was using my fetish to mask my latent homosexuality? That's when I realized the importance of masculine characteristics in the stories that I found most arousing.
The first big step toward self-acceptance was opening up about my fetish in therapy. The next big step was telling the first non-therapist, who was my ex-boyfriend Ben. When I told him, he treated it as a non-issue, and even good-naturedly observed "Oh, so that's why you're a fan of that Teen Wolf show." His effortless acceptance was greatly validating.
After he dumped me and jettisoned me from his life it took a while to feel safe enough to tell another person, but eventually I opened up to a few of my closest friends and a couple of my cousins. Recently I had a rather in-depth discussion about it with my friend Jack (YouTube guy's boyfriend), and even shared with him some of the stories from one of my favorite websites.
In recent years, as I have accepted my attraction to men, my interest in werewolves has waned. Instead, I tend to read transformation stories with much more explicit gay overtones. The stories usually involve muscle growth and sometimes even straight-to-gay transformations. Even within such stories, however, I run into elements that don't do it for me, which reminds me that everyone has their own idiosyncratic kinks.
Since this fetish was pretty much the only thing that would get me aroused during my formative years, I naturally had a difficult time figuring out whether to date men or women. Even when I finally allowed for the possibility of being gay, I still had a hard time feeling truly "turned on" by guys. I don't fetishize genitalia like some people seem to do. Porn has never done much for me. I guess my goal recently has been to try to find where my fetish has the most overlap with reality (since the possibility of dating a werewolf or The Hulk is slim). Ideally I'd like to be able to tap into what turns me on the most so that I can properly perform with a sexual partner. I know some people use role play. Maybe I will try that someday.
Anyways, I thought it was important to finally address this subject, since it is an element of what makes me who I am and has also complicated my sex/dating life. Has anyone heard of the transformation fetish before (or have it themselves?) What unusual kinks do you have?
Sunday, June 28, 2015
Desire
Hello all!
I'm trying to write more regularly, in general. This blog is only one of several different writing "projects" I currently have. I've started another blog for more general subjects of my interest, such as nerding out over rock music. I've only written a couple entries, but I'm thinking of linking to that one on my Facebook. Thus I would have this anonymous one, and that one would be accessible to my social network. I also have a book called "642 Things to Write About," which includes a whole lot of random writing prompts, some autobiographical and some fiction. Then there's the online novel writing class that I impulsively purchased on Groupon a while back. I haven't activated it yet because once you do you have a year to complete the class. The coupon expires in September though so I'll have to act soon.
Next, a big thank you to TwoLives for your very kind comment on the last entry. I'm not sure whether a relationship is in the cards in the next six months or not, but I definitely appreciate the sentiment. Ever since Thomas ended things and the other guy went away for the summer I've been kind of down about dating. As usual, with the lack of prospects comes the sexuality doubts, second guessing and ruminations. There was even a period where I was greatly missing my ex-boyfriend Ben. My first reaction to that was to berate myself for still feeling sad about a relationship that ended more than two years ago, but then I took the more healthy approach of self acceptance. Sometimes it seems I have to constantly remind myself that my relationship represented a lot more to me than just a romantic fling, and that I shouldn't beat myself up whenever I get down about it. Recovery does not occur in a linear fashion after all. There will always be peaks and valleys, the valleys just get less numerous over time. And they have.
A little while ago I found an interesting blog post at this link http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2014/06/16/i-drew-this-graph-about-sexual-desire-and-i-think-it-might-change-your-life/
The blog belongs to a PhD who studies human sexuality. Basically she distinguishes between two varieties of sexual desire: spontaneous and responsive. Spontaneous desire is the kind that we often think of in the stereotypical man or in people with a high sex drive. The feeling of "horniness," the type of desire that seemingly comes from nowhere.
Then there's responsive desire, which many tend to assign to women or those with a low sex drive. This kind of desire is a lot more context-dependent. It happens when things "feel right."
According to the blog post, as one would expect, spontaneous desire is more common in men and responsive desire is more common in women. However, a small percentage of guys (5% or so), experience primarily responsive desire. To me this seems like another way of describing so-called "demisexuality," which has been one of the few sexual orientation terms that has seemed to describe me. Basically, those who identify as demisexual do not really experience sexual desire unless they find themselves in the appropriate context. Usually the prerequisites are some sort of affection or intimacy with another person.
Hearing about something that resembles my experience in this new way is quite validating. Unfortunately, being one of the 5% of guys that does not really experience spontaneous desire makes it hard to date other guys. Thomas ended our dating relationship, telling me that though he really liked spending time with me he thought of me as more like a friend. I can't help but wonder whether my desire patterns contributed to that. On the other side of the coin, the guy I met at the bar during Pride was all up in my business and wanted to get down and dirty in the restroom. Even though he has been sweet since then, that initial experience has colored my perception of him a bit and made me wonder whether he'd be too sexually driven for me.
Then there's the fact that I just don't find myself attracted to very many guys. There are times when I'm swiping on Tinder that I begin to wonder how gay I really am, since most guys do nothing for me. But I guess it's the same for a lot of people.
Anyways, I'd like to think you're right TwoLives. I would love to have a mutually loving relationship so that I can finally forget Ben, Dean, Thomas, and all the other disappointments and build a life with someone. When it comes, it comes. I can wait, my only hope is that it will in fact come.
And with that, a throw back to the trend on my previous blog of naming postings after song titles, and including the video!
I'm trying to write more regularly, in general. This blog is only one of several different writing "projects" I currently have. I've started another blog for more general subjects of my interest, such as nerding out over rock music. I've only written a couple entries, but I'm thinking of linking to that one on my Facebook. Thus I would have this anonymous one, and that one would be accessible to my social network. I also have a book called "642 Things to Write About," which includes a whole lot of random writing prompts, some autobiographical and some fiction. Then there's the online novel writing class that I impulsively purchased on Groupon a while back. I haven't activated it yet because once you do you have a year to complete the class. The coupon expires in September though so I'll have to act soon.
Next, a big thank you to TwoLives for your very kind comment on the last entry. I'm not sure whether a relationship is in the cards in the next six months or not, but I definitely appreciate the sentiment. Ever since Thomas ended things and the other guy went away for the summer I've been kind of down about dating. As usual, with the lack of prospects comes the sexuality doubts, second guessing and ruminations. There was even a period where I was greatly missing my ex-boyfriend Ben. My first reaction to that was to berate myself for still feeling sad about a relationship that ended more than two years ago, but then I took the more healthy approach of self acceptance. Sometimes it seems I have to constantly remind myself that my relationship represented a lot more to me than just a romantic fling, and that I shouldn't beat myself up whenever I get down about it. Recovery does not occur in a linear fashion after all. There will always be peaks and valleys, the valleys just get less numerous over time. And they have.
A little while ago I found an interesting blog post at this link http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2014/06/16/i-drew-this-graph-about-sexual-desire-and-i-think-it-might-change-your-life/
The blog belongs to a PhD who studies human sexuality. Basically she distinguishes between two varieties of sexual desire: spontaneous and responsive. Spontaneous desire is the kind that we often think of in the stereotypical man or in people with a high sex drive. The feeling of "horniness," the type of desire that seemingly comes from nowhere.
Then there's responsive desire, which many tend to assign to women or those with a low sex drive. This kind of desire is a lot more context-dependent. It happens when things "feel right."
According to the blog post, as one would expect, spontaneous desire is more common in men and responsive desire is more common in women. However, a small percentage of guys (5% or so), experience primarily responsive desire. To me this seems like another way of describing so-called "demisexuality," which has been one of the few sexual orientation terms that has seemed to describe me. Basically, those who identify as demisexual do not really experience sexual desire unless they find themselves in the appropriate context. Usually the prerequisites are some sort of affection or intimacy with another person.
Hearing about something that resembles my experience in this new way is quite validating. Unfortunately, being one of the 5% of guys that does not really experience spontaneous desire makes it hard to date other guys. Thomas ended our dating relationship, telling me that though he really liked spending time with me he thought of me as more like a friend. I can't help but wonder whether my desire patterns contributed to that. On the other side of the coin, the guy I met at the bar during Pride was all up in my business and wanted to get down and dirty in the restroom. Even though he has been sweet since then, that initial experience has colored my perception of him a bit and made me wonder whether he'd be too sexually driven for me.
Then there's the fact that I just don't find myself attracted to very many guys. There are times when I'm swiping on Tinder that I begin to wonder how gay I really am, since most guys do nothing for me. But I guess it's the same for a lot of people.
Anyways, I'd like to think you're right TwoLives. I would love to have a mutually loving relationship so that I can finally forget Ben, Dean, Thomas, and all the other disappointments and build a life with someone. When it comes, it comes. I can wait, my only hope is that it will in fact come.
And with that, a throw back to the trend on my previous blog of naming postings after song titles, and including the video!
Thursday, June 18, 2015
The plot thickens, as usual
It's been a confusing couple of weeks on the romantic front.
I'm still dealing with the disappointment of losing Thomas. It's amazing how much he crept into my heart, even though we never got intimate other than a little kissing. It's striking how much I liked him. If only he had lived closer, or been more comfortable driving. He expressed interest in being friends, and I told him I'd like it too but would need some downtime first. On a whim I had asked him if he'd be willing to have more of a conversation about what happened, since he ended things while I was double parked dropping him off at his car. He said he'd absolutely be down for that. I'm still on the fence about whether such a conversation would be a good idea or not. I know "closure" is an elusive thing, but I'm having some major self-blame going on and would kind of like to talk through it a bit. The first phone debriefing I had with Ben post-relationship seemed to help at the time (though that help was undone by subsequent events). I don't know.
As for the new guy, the one who cooked for me . . . well things got real complicated real fast. He's spending 2 months this summer out of state. The reality of this situation dawned on him after the third time we got together (for a cuddle session and sleep over). He had to cancel our fourth date plans because of a family get-together, and then sent me a lengthy text. In it he explained that he thought I was very sweet and was happy to be getting to know me, but felt like he just didn't have time to date before his departure (it was a week and a half, including a long weekend he was going to be out of town). He apologized and admitted that he should have thought of his impending departure before he agreed to meet up with me the first time. He asked if we could kind of put things on hold and then pick up when he gets back.
I'm certainly sympathetic . . . it's a difficult situation. I told him I would be okay with that. But the thing is, he has pretty much cut off communication (as in, he isn't initiating contact . . . he'll still respond if I do). I don't think he was making excuses because he made a big deal about how much he dislikes flaky guys, and he's always responsive to my texts. I'm confident that if he really had changed his mind about me he would tell me the truth. At the same time, it's weird to just pretend nothing ever happened and plan to have a total reset two months from now. Part of me feels like if he was really interested he would at least be checking in a little bit before his departure! That he would have taken me up on my offer for one last meet up so I could give him a goodbye kiss! I don't know. He seems very set on doing things the right way. He said it didn't feel right to him to start something right before leaving. So my approach is just trying to put him out of my mind, act as if things are over . . . and then see what happens two months from now.
I'm enjoying talking to guys on Tinder again, despite a little bit of resurgence of sexuality doubts (they spring up now and again, my OCD tendencies perhaps). I went to LA Pride over the weekend. Through the connections with my gay cousin Roger I actually marched in the parade . . . and that's not all. I actually ended up (after some convincing) wearing a colorful headdress with him and carrying a banner in front of the group we were marching with. Never thought I would do something like that!
After the parade we were hitting up bars and I was getting more and more tipsy. We wound up in the bar called Mickey's and I was scanning the dance floor for cute guys. One caught my eye for a while, but my interest waned when I saw him light up (smoking is a major turn off for me). Then all of a sudden, a guy comes over and starts dancing with me. Before I know it we are making out. And he is going to town. Kissing, biting, giving me a hickey (which remained and got spotted by a coworker this week), and even groping me in the middle of the frickin' bar. Let me tell you, I would NOT have been okay with that if I had been sober. But I was drunk and lonely, so I let it slide. He ended up hanging out the rest of the night with me, my cousin and our other companion (who had his eyes on my cousin). He tried to get me to go back to his place (actually his first suggestion was the bathroom), but even drunk I wouldn't do something like that.
The thing is, this guy wasn't just horny. He really liked me. He got my number and texted me the next day. He was super sweet, so I agreed to have dinner with him this week. We had a nice time. He's a nice guy, we had decent conversation and he seems very into me. And I'm a little uncomfortable . . . I'm not sure why. He's not quite the type I'm usually attracted too, but he's got a bit of cuteness to him. He's going out of town for 2 weeks so that gives me some time to think.
I'm wondering whether I have the tendency to freak out when someone is into me. Perhaps I prefer being the pursuer. I don't know. I'm worried about hurting this guy. I'm also worried about not giving him enough of a chance, since he is sweet and actually IS willing to drive to me, unlike Thomas.
Big info dump! Haha. As you can tell there's a lot on my mind! Dating is so complicated, it's nice to have this place to vent. Feel free to weigh in on any or all of what I've written.
Have a great day everyone!
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