Desire

Hello all!

I'm trying to write more regularly, in general. This blog is only one of several different writing "projects" I currently have. I've started another blog for more general subjects of my interest, such as nerding out over rock music. I've only written a couple entries, but I'm thinking of linking to that one on my Facebook. Thus I would have this anonymous one, and that one would be accessible to my social network. I also have a book called "642 Things to Write About," which includes a whole lot of random writing prompts, some autobiographical and some fiction. Then there's the online novel writing class that I impulsively purchased on Groupon a while back. I haven't activated it yet because once you do you have a year to complete the class. The coupon expires in September though so I'll have to act soon.

Next, a big thank you to TwoLives for your very kind comment on the last entry. I'm not sure whether a relationship is in the cards in the next six months or not, but I definitely appreciate the sentiment. Ever since Thomas ended things and the other guy went away for the summer I've been kind of down about dating. As usual, with the lack of prospects comes the sexuality doubts, second guessing and ruminations. There was even a period where I was greatly missing my ex-boyfriend Ben. My first reaction to that was to berate myself for still feeling sad about a relationship that ended more than two years ago, but then I took the more healthy approach of self acceptance. Sometimes it seems I have to constantly remind myself that my relationship represented a lot more to me than just a romantic fling, and that I shouldn't beat myself up whenever I get down about it. Recovery does not occur in a linear fashion after all. There will always be peaks and valleys, the valleys just get less numerous over time. And they have.

A little while ago I found an interesting blog post at this link  http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2014/06/16/i-drew-this-graph-about-sexual-desire-and-i-think-it-might-change-your-life/

The blog belongs to a PhD who studies human sexuality. Basically she distinguishes between two varieties of sexual desire: spontaneous and responsive. Spontaneous desire is the kind that we often think of in the stereotypical man or in people with a high sex drive. The feeling of "horniness," the type of desire that seemingly comes from nowhere.

Then there's responsive desire, which many tend to assign to women or those with a low sex drive. This kind of desire is a lot more context-dependent. It happens when things "feel right."

According to the blog post, as one would expect, spontaneous desire is more common in men and responsive desire is more common in women. However, a small percentage of guys (5% or so), experience primarily responsive desire. To me this seems like another way of describing so-called "demisexuality," which has been one of the few sexual orientation terms that has seemed to describe me. Basically, those who identify as demisexual do not really experience sexual desire unless they find themselves in the appropriate context. Usually the prerequisites are some sort of affection or intimacy with another person.

Hearing about something that resembles my experience in this new way is quite validating. Unfortunately, being one of the 5% of guys that does not really experience spontaneous desire makes it hard to date other guys. Thomas ended our dating relationship, telling me that though he really liked spending time with me he thought of me as more like a friend. I can't help but wonder whether my desire patterns contributed to that. On the other side of the coin, the guy I met at the bar during Pride was all up in my business and wanted to get down and dirty in the restroom. Even though he has been sweet since then, that initial experience has colored my perception of him a bit and made me wonder whether he'd be too sexually driven for me.

Then there's the fact that I just don't find myself attracted to very many guys. There are times when I'm swiping on Tinder that I begin to wonder how gay I really am, since most guys do nothing for me. But I guess it's the same for a lot of people.

Anyways, I'd like to think you're right TwoLives. I would love to have a mutually loving relationship so that I can finally forget Ben, Dean, Thomas, and all the other disappointments and build a life with someone. When it comes, it comes. I can wait, my only hope is that it will in fact come.

And with that, a throw back to the trend on my previous blog of naming postings after song titles, and including the video!

All-American Boy

Has anyone heard of Steve Grand?

He's the Chicago-born gay singer that the media labeled "the first out gay country singer" back when his first music video for "All-American Boy" went viral in the summer of 2013. He never used the "country" label himself, although the song and video definitely had a bit of a country vibe to it. I was quite impressed by the video at the time. Part of that was Steve's looks of course. He is super hunky, with a near perfect physique (he used to model and his underwear pics are all over the internet). The other part, however, was that the song was actually damn catchy!

Then he released a second song, called "Stay." I liked that one even more! Super catchy, and I knew that this was a singer to watch. So when he started a Kickstarter campaign to fund his debut album, I made sure to contribute. The campaign was a record setter, surpassing his $81,000 goal in a single day and amassing a total of more than $300,000 by the time the campaign was closed. It was one of the most successful music campaigns in Kickstarter history.

It has taken awhile, but I have finally received my Kickstarter rewards, including a handwritten thank you note and a signed copy of the album itself! I am quite impressed with the album. And it turns out I haven't quite made the switch to country, as the album really is more of a rock album than anything else. Some songs have a bit of a country vibe, but others are straight forward rock, and one song in particular ("We Are the Night") is straight up Gaga-esque dance pop. It's pretty much Grand's "Born This Way."

So if you want to pick up an album full of great, catchy songs song by a gay dreamboat, I highly recommend All-American Boy :)

Here's the song "Stay", which I can't get enough of.