The More Things Change

Despite my focus on professional issues in the previous entry, I can't pretend that my personal life is not important. It is. Very important. It always has been. My sexuality confusion has defined and dominated the last decade in a way that I regret immensely. At the same time, you can't say that I haven't been proactive in trying to find a solution.

After years of trying to figure things out in the safety of my own room, I forced myself out there and started dating. I almost immediately got a relationship for my trouble, and for the better part of a year these issues started to decrease in intensity. They were still present, but I was happy enough that I finally felt like I was making progress.

Then it ended, and the issues came back with a vengeance, During that time I've dated a LOT. I've gone on so many first dates, and though I haven't had as many sexual experiences as many guys, I've had several. Still not anything beyond oral for the most part, but still . . . I'm a bit more experienced than I was starting out. But no one has come along and made me feel convinced that this was the right path for me. And that's what is so aggravating. Ben's not enough. One relationship could be a fluke.

I hear so many stories about guys coming out of the closet, and the first time they do something with a guy it just feels right. And sure, when I have a promising prospect like Thomas, it does relieve my anxiety a bit. But does it feel right? I just don't know. It seems like my lack of interest in actual sex is the common factor that has torpedoed my potential relationships with several good guys now. Our lack of good sexual chemistry was a major factor in Dean ending things. Things ended with the gaymer earlier this year after we fooled around (awkwardly). And Thomas, the best match I've found since I've been single again, cited our lack of bedroom play when he told me he thought of me as more of a friend (even though he never once invited me over, nor drove to my neck of the woods . . . where would we have done it Thomas, the car?) Not to mention the "guy who cooked for me" who went away from the summer. He came back . . . and responded to my text with a "I'm not in dating mode right now" explanation, along with an apology. This from a guy that was very interested after our first two dates! When did his interest seem to die off? Not after his trip . . . no, I can trace it to right before he left. Right after our third time seeing each other, during which I slept over at his place and we didn't do anything sexual.

I've gone on a couple dates with a guy who has an amazing personality. Seriously, this guy is cool. I'm also not particularly physically attracted to him. I also am not sure I'm comfortable being doted on like he seems to like doing. So this is not helping my current bout of confusion.

I guess I'm afraid I like guys more in theory than in practice. Sure, the hot ones are great to look at . . . but how does that translate to a relationship? If the kind of guy I'm interested in only comes around once in a blue moon, and then rejects me for not being into sex enough or not getting to it fast enough, then why am I even dating guys?

I know that a lot of this has to do with the fact that I don't have any prospects right now that I have interest in like I did with guys like Thomas and the flake who cooked for me. But still. I shouldn't have to actively be dating someone to feel (more) confident in my sexuality.

I honestly feel like I might just be alone forever. And I know that it's that feeling that makes it possible, but I can't control it.

So if I force myself to stop dating and focus on career, it might just be because I've given up on finding someone. Because if I have to be alone, I might as well try to do what I want.

I'm sorry for this Debbie Downer fest. I've just really been bothered by this lately. Too many disappointments in a row, and frustration over never seeming to be attracted to the guys that do like me. Then there's a (married) girl I know that I seem to be crushing on, to throw that into the mix.

Maybe I just want what I can't have, what seems unobtainable . . . before I came out guys seemed so desirable . . . now girls don't seem so bad. Oh that greener grass . . .