Show Me The Way

When I first started blogging years ago, it was to help me sort out issues that I was dealing with in regards to my sexuality. It took quite a while, but blogging definitely had a positive impact in helping me break the mental cycle that I was trapped in. In addition to giving me an outlet to vent my feelings and seek advice from others, it also gave me contacts that eventually helped me make progress. I give a lot of credit to fellow blogger El Genio, who happened to live near me and offered to meet up in person. With him I visited my first LA gay bar. More importantly, through hearing about his experiences with coming out and online dating, I was able to give myself the push I needed to sign up for dating sites. Once I did that, it was only a couple of months before I met Ben and had my first (and to this date, only) romantic relationship. It has definitely not been easy since then. The heartbreak from Ben's departure took a long time to heal (and the scars are still there . . . I still miss him a lot from time to time, even though he was only in my life for less than 1 year). Occasionally I will fall back into the doubts about my sexuality. Dating can be frustrating. Guys often turn out to be flakes or fakes or both. But, I've had some memorable experiences (not just with Ben but also with several other guys). I've made some amazing friends. And my confidence in that arena of my life has increased a lot. Why, on a recent trip to a foreign city I even had a mini-romance with a sweet guy. It was actually kind of nice having a short, days-long relationship with someone, with no expectations for it being long-term. Sort of liberating, in a way. Don't worry, this isn't the start of a new, more promiscuous Cal. Anyways, bottom line is, I have come far in overcoming my hang-ups and issues about my romantic life, even though things aren't where I would like them to be right now. And blogging definitely helped me along the path.

I say this because I'm at crisis level again. This has to do with the other part of my life that I have struggled with: career. There are a lot of parallels. For the last several years I have mostly avoided discussing my career problems on this blog. This has been for a number of reasons: one, I'm ashamed of them. I realize now that I have to get over this. After all, what's an anonymous (well mostly anonymous . . . there are a couple of readers who know me in person) blog if I can't use it the way I need it? Second, I felt like it would be better if the blog followed the theme of dating and relationships. It would be more focused that way. But really, the overarching theme is me finding myself. I am "Looking" after all (and know, not in the sexual sense).

As I've mentioned before, I took the title of this blog from a Soundgarden song called "Outshined." The full line is, "I'm looking California, but feeling Minnesota." No offense to any Minnesotans out there! Basically, when Chris Cornell says this he's implying that though he has a sunny disposition on the outside, on the inside it's nothing but overcast and dreary. Well, I write this post now because the Minnesota is starting to expose itself to the surface, and I'm sick of feeling this way. It has been years that I've been dealing with these same issues. Focusing on my sexuality for a few years and then my creative interests (improv comedy) for a few years were nice (and arguably worthy) distractions, but now it is high time I worked on this other part of myself.

My major issue is anxiety. It is now manifesting a bit of depression, but at the core anxiety is my main problem and always has been. Really, it was at the core of my sexuality confusion as well. If I had not been so anxious about dating the "wrong" sex, I might have started dating much earlier than 27.

Similarly, with career my major issue has long been fear of choosing the "wrong" path. This seems hugely more significant to me (or at least, to my mind), since one's career occupies the majority of one's time on this planet AND is responsible for providing one the means to have a life. It determines where you live, many of those you associate with, how much you can own, what you can do, where you can go. As much as people say that relationships are the real source of happiness in life, you can't get away from the importance of career. One problem is I have fixated on relationships and my career has suffered. Now I'm in a state where I feel the discontent I have with my professional self is adversely affecting my relationships. I'm leaning a bit top heavily on my family and friends for emotional support. And I find myself being a lot less motivated to date when I feel so down (and feeling like that doesn't make me the most attractive dating partner anyway).

Not to say that my job is bad. I work with some really great people. What I do is in the medical realm, so its mission involves helping people. It allows me to travel periodically, sometimes to really cool cities. It also allows enough flexibility that I can spend extra time in those cities when I do go there. That flexibility also allows me to go to appointments when I need to during the day with minimal drama. And the work hours are light enough (most of the time) that I am able to keep active in improv comedy, which has been my major avocation for the last several years, as well as date and spend time with friends.

But. As much as I know how important it is to be grateful for what you have, there is a lot that is wrong. There is very little room for advancement in my job. One career path that many who do what I do often move to involves the loss of much of what I like about my job. While it pays better it also involves constant travel, longer hours, and very solitary, detail-oriented work.

Over the years I have tried to push myself one way after another. I was accepted to a PhD program but then freaked out as I realized all the negative aspects of an academic career. I researched a number of different health care practitioner careers but none of them spoke to me. I applied to med school despite great reservations about that life, and did not reapply when I failed to get in. I have considered high school teaching and mental health counseling, both of which I could see myself caring about a bit more than other things, but I've had worries about the stress levels, job market, and finances. I've thought about seeing where my love of creativity could take me, but come up short with ideas about how I could go about that.

So far this year I've waffled back and forth between trying to force myself into something and trying to get a handle on my anxiety/depression first. Frankly, the way my work performance has suffered recently I know that my number one priority is to improve at my current job. It's nice to have that as a goal, since there's no question in my mind that it's a worthy goal. Unfortunately, I can't for the life of me figure out what bigger-picture worthy goal to focus on. In this way it's not like my sexuality dilemma was. That was a 50/50 choice and one clearly (once I was honest with myself) had more natural appeal. When it comes to career, there's an infinite number of possibilities. I feel completely stuck and overwhelmed.

So, I'm going to try blogging more as I sort through this. It's tough to show this side of myself, even anonymously, but it's adversely affecting my life and hey, blogging has helped me before.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. Have you struggled with anxiety and depression? Have you struggled with career indecision, or indecision in other areas of your life? Have you found things that have helped you? What factors have you used to make tough decisions in your life, and how did things turn out? I know this blog doesn't have many followers, but if you happen to read this feel free to weigh in.

Cal

Lessons learned

I learned several important life lessons over the past couple weeks.

Lesson one: old friends aren’t always lost forever. Sometimes it just takes the right circumstance to reconnect.

This lesson was proven twice recently.

The first reconnection was brought on by, of all things, the death of Scott Weiland, former lead singer of Stone Temple Pilots and Velvet Revolver. Mutual love of STP’s music had led to the formation of one of my closest high school friendships years ago, but since college we had lost touch. Hearing the sad news about Weiland inspired me to look up my old friend on Facebook and reach out. He responded, and we caught up via Facebook Messenger. I discovered he was engaged, with his wedding imminent. I took the opportunity to come out to him, which actually took him by surprise, but he was very supportive. The last time I’d seen him was when I was 25, two years before I came out. We made tentative plans to meet up after his wedding, but then a week later he messaged me to say that there was enough space for me to come, if I was able. So, last night I saw my friend for the first time in 6 years, at his wedding. It was a very nice ceremony, and it was great seeing him again!

The second reconnection also occurred via Facebook. The friend in question was the former roommate of Ben, my ex-boyfriend. I’ve had minimal contact with this friend for the last 2.5 years, since it was just too hard to be in contact with him while the wounds from my breakup were still fresh. We happened to chat a bit on Facebook a few weeks ago, however, and I invited him to a show in LA in which I was performing. When opening night came along, there he was in the front row. He came along to the bar for drinks afterward, and I invited him to tag along to see a movie with me and my other friend last weekend. While I’ll admit seeing him again did dredge up a few painful feelings, it was mostly nice and by forming new memories with him I felt like I “reclaimed” him a bit from the past and from the strong association with Ben. It helps that they are no longer roommates, but I also think I really have grown and healed, which is wonderful to be able to say. Incidentally, I also share a love of STP’s music with this guy.

That’s it for the first lesson. On to lesson number two.

Lesson two: sometimes when you think there are only two possible outcomes from a situation, you’re wrong.

This lesson was taught through my interactions with Thomas last weekend.

As I’ve talked about in previous entries, I have developed pretty strong feelings for my friend Thomas. He’s the first guy since Ben that I’ve liked this much. We casually dated earlier this year when we first met, but he called things off because he thought I might be more “friend” material. I was quite disappointed at the time, and felt like circumstances (such as my unusually busy schedule at the time and the fact that one or both of us was sick most of the time we were seeing each other) had prevented us from taking things to the next level. After a bit of a hiatus, we reconnected and started hanging out again. Since then, I’ve shared a number of memorable experiences with him and have felt my feelings grow stronger. Once again, I found myself in a situation where a guy had friend zoned me when I felt we had a lot of potential. Since that is how my failed relationship with Ben had started, I at first thought the best course of action might be to just swallow my feelings and accept it. I figured if I persisted I would  either get rejected again, or have another short-lived relationship that ended in heartbreak and the loss of another great friend.

But the longer I tried to just be friends with Thomas, the more conflicted I felt. Eventually it reached the point where I knew I would have to be honest with him, even if it meant risking our friendship.

I was in LA last weekend, so I figured that would be the best opportunity to come clean. I came to support him at a performance, then hung out with him for a while afterward. Near the end of our meal, I opened up to him. I explained that though I greatly enjoyed our friendship, I also still had feelings for him that I was trying to reconcile. Leading up to this, I was mostly sure that he would tell me he just wanted friendship, with a small chance that he would reciprocate my feelings and we would be able to resume dating. This was basically me going in with extremely low expectations, to protect myself in case of rejection.

To my surprise, neither of those outcomes came to pass. Instead, he revealed that he actually would be open to dating again . . . except for the fact that he was seeing someone already . . . someone who he had been dating for a couple months already.

Having gone into the conversation with such low expectations, I was surprised to learn that Thomas did actually seem to have some feelings for me. It was timing, rather than me, that was the issue. After we talked a bit about the reasons he ended things before, he said that if for some reason things didn’t work out with the guy he’s currently seeing, he’d be open to dating again. It's an unusual situation, and I know better than to bank on him becoming single again. But the conversation still made me feel better, like my feelings were based on an actual connection and not just wishful thinking on my part. And the experience taught me yet another valuable lesson:

Lesson three: it pays to take a risk and follow your instincts, even if taking risks and following your instincts hasn’t always paid off in the past.

If I had acted on my instincts a couple months ago instead of allowing myself to be guarded and accepting defeat, things might have been different. Moving forward, I will do my best to not allow my experiences with Ben in the past to cause me to overthink things and become paralyzed.

Meanwhile, I’ve gone out a few times with a very nice guy who lives in my town. It’s still early to tell how much potential there is there, and my lingering feelings for Thomas are still a lingering issue, but I plan to see where it goes for now and not get too up in my head about it.

Men who should never be president

Politics is infuriating. It always is. This time around, I can honesty say I am scared for the future of the country. Seeing the cast of characters that call themselves presidential candidates . . . these are the people who are next in line to lead the nation. And while part of me doesn't believe that a bully like Donald Trump, or a nincompoop like Ben Carson, or a religious extremist like Mike Huckabee or Ted Cruz could ever be elected into the presidency . . . part of me is nervous. Especially after the events in Paris, when it becomes clear that fear causes people to base their decisions more on their emotions than on logic.

A recent event especially makes me sick. Kevin Swanson, a vehemently anti-gay preacher from Colorado, hosted an event called the "National Religious Liberties Conference" recently. At this event, Swanson gave a frighteningly unhinged performance onstage, during which he repeatedly reminded the audience that the Bible calls for the death penalty for homosexuality. And while he stopped short of advocating that we practice this in our country (he said gay people need time to "repent" first), his message was clear: gay people deserve to die. And in attendance at this hate rally? Three high-profile Republican presidential candidates: Mike Huckabee (the creator of Chick-Fil-A Appreciation Day a few years back), Bobby Jindal (who has since dropped out of the race), and Ted Cruz (who stated that anyone who doesn't "start the morning on his knees" and fear God is not fit to be president).

You can watch Rachel Maddow's coverage of the event here. It starts just before the 6:00 mark.

The threat from ISIS in the Middle East is truly terrifying. The fact that people exist in this world whose overwhelming belief in a twisted version of religion causes them to commit unspeakably evil acts gives me a feeling of dread in my stomach. And the fact that people like Kevin Swanson exist in our own country, can host events attended by serious presidential candidates, and largely escape the attention of the media at large gives me a very similar feeling of dread.

Until we can stop extremism in all its forms, irrational hate will continue to plague our species.

Fighting impostor syndrome or, Why I need a bigger bed

Second weekend in a row with some sexual escapades; go me I guess!.

I had a message on OkCupid yesterday from a guy who is new to the area. Young guy in his early/mid 20s. Though my experience with the last young guy is still pretty fresh on my mind, this one seemed like a nice guy, and he was keen to meet up.

Well let's just say that this was not a repeat of my experience with the last young guy. After a nice lunch date and a walk, he ends up coming back to my place and almost immediately gets naked (this after I told him that I usually take things slow and that puts me at odds with most guys . . . something he obviously did NOT take to heart, haha). I decide to just go with it, seeing as I've been telling myself I need to get more sexual experience anyway. Midway through our messing around he clarifies that he is not looking for a relationship, just a potential friend-with-benefits. While I don't have very much intrinsic interest in such an arrangement, it would be a good opportunity to get some more experience, so I say I'm open to it.

Our session was pretty fun. I admit, it went on a bit long and I started to just want to finish. But near the end, when our bodies were super sweaty and slippery (I have never had such a sweaty lovemaking session, haha) I had a period where I was getting pretty into it. The sensations were good, his passion was noticeable, and I was able to finish (which doesn't always happen, especially with a new guy). Sex is really something that I need to be put in the mood for, and I also need to try to stay focused during. Thoughts constantly try to invade while I am struggling to stay in the moment. But in this case, I felt like I was almost feeling what a sexual experience is supposed to feel like. At least, a hook-up type one. I'd still prefer to have feelings for the other person!

One thing that would make things better: a bigger bed. The size of my bed definitely became an impediment, partially because he's a bit bigger than me. It's something I've been thinking about, and this experience reinforced its importance.

One thing I liked about this guy was his communication style. Throughout he was telling me what he wanted and what felt good, and he was asking me the same. Communication is huge for me, so that was nice.

Overall if this guy sticks around (he sounded like he wanted to see me again, whether that was the truth we'll see) I can see myself fooling around more with him.

It might be good for me, because I've been struggling with a bit of what seems like gay man impostor syndrome. Since I don't have the level of intrinsic interest in sex with men that most gay guys seem to have, it makes me feel weird about calling myself gay sometimes. Yes, I know I have only dated guys and I masturbate to fantasies that involve men (albeit not exactly straight-forward sexual fantasies). But because I feel so out of my element in the bedroom, I can't help but feel weird about it. It's something I really need to work through, because I feel it is the number one thing that is preventing me from finding a relationship. I feel it's the missing piece with guys like Thomas who are otherwise a perfect match for me. Heck, maybe it had something to do with the lack of chemistry that Ben felt for me at the end of our relationship.

Do any of you out there ever feel like you don't fully deserve your gay card? How many sexual experiences did it take for you to finally feel "natural" in the bedroom?

Communication Breakdown

I've been feeling pretty good lately, despite the usual dating frustrations.

One recent good experience: YouTube Guy and his boyfriend came to SoCal to visit for Halloween. I had a great time with them, and they finally got to see one of my improv shows. I think seeing me in my artistic element helped YouTube Guy understand what I like about improv, how it helps me be present in the moment and get out of my head. He said that even being in the audience allowed him to unplug from the worries of life for a little while.

Overall their visit was greatly relaxing and lifted my spirits (which have already been decently high as of late).

On the dating front, I've started to ramp up my dating efforts again after taking some downtime following the last few disappointments. There's one guy in particular who lives near me that I've been getting to know. We had texted for a while and finally met up a few weeks ago. He seems like a really nice, considerate guy, which is nice. Consideration seems to be lacking lately from others.

This weekend especially, I experienced lack of consideration from multiple individuals:

Thomas. We had made plans to see a movie on Sunday. I was also hoping to finally have an opportunity to have the chat with him that I've been meaning to have, to clarify what happened between us. But when I texted him to confirm Saturday night, he told me he had to reschedule because a friend was in town. Why he waited for me to text him to tell me this, I don't know, but it rubbed me the wrong way.

Roger, my cousin. I was planning to hang out with him and stay over at his place in LA after going on a date in the area*. But all day long Roger was unresponsive via phone or text. I ended up making other plans**, and then had to drive home Saturday night instead of staying over in the city. Turns out he started partying early that morning, and was too . . . distracted to check his phone all day long. Here I was afraid that he was in trouble or something . . . anyway he contacted me the next day and was apologetic. But with the double whammy of that and Thomas's cancellation I was not feeling the love.

*So what about that LA date I went on? It was a guy from Tinder I'd been chatting with for quite some time. Super cute, and we had a nice conversation. We hung out for about 2 hours and had a lot in common. He walked me back to my car afterward and we parted ways (with me debating whether I should have kissed him . . .), but he said to hit him up next I was around. A couple days later, this guy who has been so responsive and friendly via text for the last several weeks is now rather unresponsive. What ever happened to guys saying "Sorry, I'm not interested?" Grow some balls fellas!

**And those other plans I made after my cousin flaked on me? Well I met up with another guy. Rather unusual for me to go straight from one date to another, but hey, I was in the city and this guy had been wanting to meet up for a while now. He wasn't really feeling up to going out, so I came over to his place. We watched a movie on TV, during which we chatted and cuddled, and then made out, and then jerked each other off. The whole time he seemed very interested, complimenting me on my body. And afterward he was talking about how next time he'd have to come to my neck of the woods. When we parted ways he asked me to text him when I got home. Well I did text him when I got home, and then again a few days later (today) to see how the rest of his weekend was. No answer.

It doesn't seem like it was always like this. I feel like when I first started dating a few years ago, it was the odd guy who would just plan disappear and give me the cold shoulder. Now it seems like nearly every guy is doing it. I don't know what's going on, but I don't like it. I pledge to never do that to someone. Letting the conversation fade out is one thing. But not responding to a message is just plain rude.

But at least I hadn't had time to develop feelings for either of those guys. My heart is becoming a little more resilient. I'll treat guys like that like pinball bumpers. They may jerk me around a little bit, but ultimately I'll just ricochet off with minimal momentum lost. Meanwhile, I'll be the change I want to see in the world. I won't use people like a means to an end, and if someone likes me I will not rudely give them the cold shoulder. As much as it can hurt to be rejected, being honest and direct is the grown-up, considerate way to be. I would rather someone tell me that it's not going to work out, and give a reason why so I can learn and grow. Because the only lesson I learn from the silent treatment is that the dating scene is full of assholes.

Hey, remember when I used to name my posts after song titles, and include the video for the song in question?

Thank you for being a pal

Another wonderful weekend spending time with Thomas. Uh oh. This time I didn't quite make it out without feeling down about it.

I enjoy hanging out with him so much. This is seriously Version 2.0 of my first relationship, at least so far. In that I met someone online, dated him for a a while, starting falling for him, got friend zoned, and now have been trying to navigate being friends while my feelings grow even stronger.

I know it's not sustainable. I figure I need to act sooner rather than later. It's not fair to either of us. So I'll probably try to hang out with him a lot less next weekend, and instead get coffee or something and have a chat so that we are on the same page.

I definitely got mixed messages from him over the weekend. On the one hand, he invited me to accompany him to all sorts of get-togethers. And we had dinner last night, just the two of us, in a very date-like atmosphere. And he gave me a kiss on the cheek when we parted ways on Saturday night.

BUT . . .

He jokingly called me a "cock-blocker" when he had to turn down a guy's offer to go for a walk at the beach because he was waiting for me to show up. And probably most damning of all, when we parted ways Sunday night he thanked me for hanging out and for being "such a pal." Then later that night after I texted him that I'd made it home safely, he reiterated his thanks and used the word "pal" again. Doesn't get much clearer than that.

So pretty much I am squarely in the friend zone, which is to be expected since I was . . . well . . . explicitly friend zoned earlier this year.

I just don't get how someone who I get along with SO well, who I have SO much in common with, who I share so many interests with, who shares my sense of humor . . . can fail to reciprocate my feelings. All that is enough for me to feel something, why isn't it enough for him?

Well, I do get it. I'm pretty sure he doubts our sexual chemistry. Because we didn't bump uglies when we were dating before. Nevermind that one or both of us was sick for most of that time.

I don't want to lose his friendship. Having him in my life makes me a happier person (well, except for today, haha). Finding a kindred spirit really makes you feel less alone in the world, you know?

BUT . . .

I felt the same way about Ben. And I was persistent in my pursuit of him. I did successfully have my first and only relationship because of my stubborn rejection of being friend-zoned. But ultimately I lost him completely from my life.

So I guess I'm just worried that history will continue to repeat itself. I know that just because something starts the same doesn't mean it will end the same. I guess I just need to tell him how I feel and hope for the best. Best scenario: he reciprocates. Okay scenario: he doesn't feel the same, but it doesn't affect our friendship in a negative way. Bad scenario: he doesn't feel the same and our friendship sours.

Guess I just gotta act. Any suggestions on how to bring it up, how to word it?

A great weekend and a growing friendship

I'd say I'm recovered from the disappointment that had me down when I wrote the last entry. Maybe I'm getting quicker at bouncing back? Maybe so.

I had an amazing weekend. I spent it in and around Los Angeles, hanging out with friends. I had lunch with my good friend Sam, my old "breakup buddy" who helped me cope with my breakup when I met him back in 2013. I hadn't seen him in several months, so it was good catching up. He's in a relationship now, and I'm extremely happy for him.

Much of the rest of the weekend I spent with Thomas. It hadn't been my original intention to spend so much time with him, but after we hung out as planned he invited me to several more events so I tagged along. I had a blast spending time with him, and I felt like we became closer friends. What's more, the experience did not make me sad at all (as you may recall, Thomas is the one I dated this year that I liked the most . . . he's the first guy since Ben that I liked to such a high degree). While I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish things could go somewhere beyond friendship with him, I've realized that I really enjoy his friendship as well, and if that's all I'll get then that's still a really good thing. He really is a joy to be around, and we have a lot in common, from a love of improv to interest in movies to the tendency to break out into song at the slightest provocation. Heck, even if all my dating exploits never result in a lasting boyfriend, friends like Thomas will still make it all worth it. Still . . . part of me wishes . . .

Meanwhile I'm chatting with several guys on Tinder, so I'm sure it won't be long before I go on some more dates. I think I'm becoming more comfortable with the sheer amount of dead ends that dating involves. For every great friend like Sam or Thomas that results from online dating, there's like 20 guys that go nowhere, whether they are duds from the first date, start promisingly and then suddenly do a 180 (like the guy who cooked for me) or just disappear entirely (like the young guy). I think for a long time I had trouble reconciling the inevitable high failure rate of dating with the fact that I had my first relationship with the second guy I went out with. For a long time I felt like it was because there was something broken in me. But really it's because I know what I want. I want someone that makes me excited, like Ben did, like Thomas did (does). I don't think it's unreasonable to hold out for that.

Though the fear of ending up alone does rear its ugly head more often than I'd like.