Wisdom from an unlikely source

I've caught up a bit lately on my guilty pleasure show: Teen Wolf.

That show is better than a MTV teen supernatural drama has any right to be. The acting is great, the character relationships are compelling (all of the actors that play the parents are amazing), the eye candy is superb (the creator is gay, so I'm sure it's no accident that there is ample beefcake), and the story lines are fairly complex.

The themes of the show are great as well. The show is all about friendship, persevering against impossible odds, family, and growing up. Several scenes I have watched recently have struck an emotional chord with me.

First is a scene between the main character Scott and his mother. He is having trouble controlling his werewolf powers, and tells her he always controlled them before by using his "anchor." Trouble is, his anchor was his ex-girlfriend. Then his mother tells him this:

"Sweetheart, let me tell you something no teenager ever believes, but I guarantee you is the absolute truth. You fall in love more than once. It will happen again. It will be just as amazing and extraordinary as the first time and maybe just as painful. But it'll happen again. I promise. But until then, be your own anchor."


Call me a sap, but when she said this it brought tears to my eyes. I naturally thought of my own ex, and my struggle to find again what I felt with him.

Now of course, later that same season Scott does meet his next love interest. But hey, he's got a team of television writers on his side.

The next scene that struck a chord with me was a scene where Scott is talking to Dr. Deaton, the local veterinarian who also happens to be an expert on the supernatural and his mentor (pretty much the Rupert Giles character for you Buffy fans). Deaton talks to Scott about "regression to the mean." Basically the theory that things will always regress away from the extremes toward the mean. So when times are tough they are bound to get better. Likewise, when times are good they are likely to be followed by times that are not so good. Bottom line, I shouldn't think of good times in the past as being the only good times there will be. And I shouldn't get down when times are not so good, because it won't last forever.

Yes, I received inspiration from a teen soap on MTV about werewolves. But that's what I love about art, whether it be a TV show, a video game, a movie, a book, a song, or what have you. It is a way to share important ideas about the human experience with each other in an entertaining way. 

A little recap

Another post because I have a lot on my mind.

The European Guy that I have been casually seeing has really developed feelings for me, and I had to give a little talk to him today to let him know that I just don't feel the same way. This guy is not exactly out and it turns out I'm the first that he has admitted such feelings for . . . so I do feel bad. But I don't want to lead him on since I'm now quite sure that it just isn't there for me.

I've set up a date on Saturday with Tinder Guy, the guy who I met up with in WeHo for the first time this past weekend. He seemed very nice, so I look forward to it.

There has been quite a flurry of meet ups lately, so at Jerry's suggestion in his comment earlier, here's a little recap of the current and recent prospects.

Handsome Guy: Met him on Plenty of Fish a few months ago. We dated for a month but he ended it. I was on the fence about him, but found him very attractive. We are friends now. I met up with him in WeHo for brunch, along with the guy he's currently dating.

Texas Guy: I've been texting him since March. Finally met this past holiday weekend. Super nice, but the fact that he lives out of state kind of limits the potential there.

Blue Eyes: LA resident. Quite sexual and aggressive. Lives quite far from me and doesn't have a car.

Tinder Guy: Guy from the San Diego area that I met on Tinder. We happened to both be in WeHo on the same night so we met up there, while I was with my friends. Our first one-on-one meet-up will happen this weekend.

Beach Guy: Another Tinder find. I hadn't given this guy a name yet, but since we had a romantic date on the beach I'll call him this. I've been out with him twice. He acts a bit distant when we're apart, but I do want to see him again. We'll see what happens.

European Guy: Guy who lives really close to me that I've hung out with over the past two months. He doesn't really do it for me, but he has developed feelings for me. So, I had to turn him down.

Gaybor Day Weekend . . . or Labor Gay Weekend?

I had a very nice Labor Day weekend. Well, except for a sore throat that I had throughout. I actually took the day off work today to try to rest up and finally kick it. Feeling better now.

I finally got to meet Texas Guy this weekend. As a recap, Texas Guy is someone that I first chatted with on Grindr way back in March when he was visiting California. We really clicked but weren't able to meet up before he had to go back to Texas. Since then we have been texting pen pals and have talked on the phone a couple of times. This weekend marked his first trip to So Cal since then. He and his aunt came to see me perform in a show, then he and I went up to LA and went out in WeHo with my LA gay crew. He's a really cool guy, and a great conversationalist. We went to The Abbey, but didn't make it out there until nearly 1 AM. So, we really didn't have much time to drink or anything before it was last call. My cousin Roger went, as did Chris and Timothy, who have been the cutest gay couple that I have known. I also ended up meeting up with a guy from Tinder that I've been talking to, since he happened to be at the Abbey as well. He was there with his friend who was visiting from the Bay Area. She was rather drunk, haha. The two of them joined our group, and I just kind of pretended that this was a friend of mine I already knew. I don't think anyone caught on that I actually had never met him before! He seemed really sweet. I look forward to hanging out with him again, and he seemed very keen on it too. He doesn't live very close to me, but he is willing to meet halfway.

I invited Tinder guy and his friend to come hang out with us at my cousin's place, but they didn't have a car and the girl was a little too drunk and hungry. So Texas Guy, Chris, and Timothy came back and hung out with us for a while. Texas Guy spent the night. Sunday morning he and I had brunch with a friend of mine, the Handsome Guy that I went out with a couple times a few months ago. He was up in WeHo with his current boyfriend and his friend who was visiting from the East Coast. After interacting with him in that situation, I realized more how much the two of us really aren't a match.

After brunch, Texas Guy and I checked out the Santa Monica pier, then I dropped him off with his family. I spent the rest of the day relaxing, and also set up tentative plans to meet up with a guy in LA the next day. Let's call him Blue Eyes.

So Monday I met up with Blue Eyes and went hiking in Runyon Canyon. I've been corresponding with Blue Eyes for a while now, and have been a bit on the fence about him. He is clearly a lot more sexual than I am. Even before we met for the first time he offered to share with me a JO video of his. Not my cup of tea. In person he seemed sweet though. Not much of a prospect since he lives in LA and doesn't have a car. But the hike was fun, and afterward we went back to his place, watched Netflix and did a lot of cuddling, massaging, and other play. We didn't make out since I had a sore throat. He also demonstrated his rather dominant nature. I just kind of let him do whatever. It was fun, I'm glad I had the experience. And we stopped short of doing anything with pants off, haha.

The weekend wasn't all positive. After hanging out with Chris and Timothy Saturday night and not detecting anything amiss, I never would have suspected that it would be the last time I'd see them as a couple. Chris was planning a get together for Labor Day, so after I left Blue Eyes' place I gave him a call to check in. He didn't answer, so I called Timothy. He said he wasn't at Chris's place, nor would he be going. There was something odd about his tone of voice. I didn't think much of it, thinking he must just be busy. However, he called me back a few minutes later to explain that Chris had actually broken up with him the night before. Now, the possibility of this happening had definitely crossed my mind previously. Chris is 25 and Timothy just barely turned 21. Though the age difference isn't huge, they are definitely at different places in their development. Still, they were always so cute together and I adore them both. It really made me sad that it had come to this. Timothy told me that he was still confused about what was going on, and asked me to take care of Chris. My heart went out to him . . . I knew what it was like to be dumped by someone I cared strongly for.

I went to meet up with Chris as his Labor Day get together was ending. The two of us grabbed dinner and he explained to me his side of the story. I consoled him as best as I could, and assured him that if he needed to talk I'd be there for him. They'd been together for quite a while (about two years I believe), so I knew this wouldn't be easy for either of them.

All in all a busy and fun weekend, despite my sore throat and the unexpected break up of two of my good LA friends. I will probably see Texas Guy again once more before he goes home. I hope to see Tinder Guy again soon.

Meeting so many nice guys, despite various barriers to actual relationships (distance being the most common one), has definitely been therapeutic for me. I feel generally happy these days, and I feel more optimistic that I will find someone else some day.

Otherwise straight

Found this interesting article about an otherwise straight guy who falls in love and enters a relationship with his male best friend.

I find this kind of story so beautiful.

Mountain Getaway and Recent Dating

Hello all!

I got my new car! It was a quick, painless process. Got a Mazda3 hatchback, and I even got it in the color I wanted ("crystal blue mica"). Quite different from a truck, but I'm really liking it. I took it up to the mountains a few weekends ago for a big get-together I planned.

THAT was a relaxing weekend. YouTube Guy and his boyfriend came down from the bay area, my cousin Brad came down from Nor Cal, and other friends such as Janice, Walter, and Nina came as well. We rented a cabin, drank, played games, went hiking, lounged around and had an AMAZING dinner. Literally one of the best meals I have ever had. It was the combination of the mountain setting, the great food (YouTube Guy's boyfriend went to culinary school), and of course, being surrounded by awesome friends. I felt a level of happiness that I hadn't felt in a long, long time.

The feeling of well-being lasted for a good week and a half. Yesterday and today I'm struggling a little bit against the blues again, but it's not too bad. I'm feeling more at peace with my professional situation. I've got a good, stable job and have an amazing hobby that I'm passionate about.

I met up with a couple cute, nice guys in the past week. One I've been out with twice so far. The first date was nice, we had dinner and walked around a shopping center. He texted me afterward expressing interest in hanging out again. This past Tuesday I took him to a local beach-side town for the second date. We ate at a really cool fish restaurant, then we walked around. I took him out to a ledge overlooking the crashing waves. It was really serene and beautiful . . . the setting was perfect so I decided to go for a kiss. First to test the waters a bit I put my arm around him, then when he leaned his head against my shoulder I went for it. We kissed for a while, and it was very nice. Afterward I went back to his place. I did not have the intention of going any farther than the making out for this date . . . but one thing led to another and we got frisky in the bedroom.

It was a great night, but I was worried we had moved too fast. I always do prefer letting feelings develop a bit before going that far, but at the same time it seems guys tend to expect things to happen within the first couple dates. I don't want to wind up in a "boat without a rudder" situation with someone else if I'm moving too slowly. Or as Steve had put it, a "weird friendship."

Then to complicate things more, I had a very emotional dream about my ex Ben the night after the date. It involved reconciliation and it stirred rather strong memories and feelings the next morning. That was yesterday, hence why my feeling of well-being has taken a bit of a hit the past few days.

I should recover soon, though. I attended a monthly LGBT social group dinner yesterday, and Jake the Australian was in attendance. Though I still don't see him that often we've grown pretty close, and he's a good source of support. He is taking a hiatus from dating. Seems we're both having a bit of a hard time with it.

My main problem: I'm having trouble developing feelings for guys. With Ben it happened so fast and naturally, but it seems so HARD now. Several guys I've had to disappoint because they were into me and I just didn't feel the same way. It's hard to decide whether it's just the luck of the draw, that I'm just not meeting good matches . . . or whether there's something still broken in me from my past experience. If it's the latter, I just don't know how to fix it. I still think about the past way too much. I still over-idealize HIM way too much. I still get anxious thinking about the prospect of winding up alone because I invested in an unhealthy person and it screwed me up emotionally. I still see all my heterosexual friends pairing up with great people and feel envious.

I try to be patient with myself though. Focus on self-improvement rather than finding someone. It really is the only way.

Rest in pieces

The inevitable happened. My precious truck, the car I have driven ever since I was 16, is finally on its last legs. My family has been pressuring me to get a new car, but I was convinced I could get a decent number of miles from it still. Looking for a new car was not my top priority. After all, there's that whole matter of figuring out what to do with my life and who to share it with!

But entropy caught up with me, as it always does. My truck's engine started to make a rattling noise last week. I only let it go on a few days before I took it in to Midas to get it checked. Unfortunately . . . by then it was too late. Take note all who read this: if your car's engine makes a rattling sound stop as soon as you can and check the water levels! Turns out my water had been leaking. I guess the radiator cap gasket was worn out or something. In any case, this caused my engine to overheat. By the time I got it into Midas it had already started emitting a strange smell. Well sir, that's the smell of your engine melting!

The prognosis was bleak: I would have to get a rebuilt engine put into my truck, which would cost $5,000. That's more than the car's worth, which means it is time to go car shopping.

Since I was out of town all last weekend I wasn't able to get a new car, so this weekend is the target. Of course, that means this week I have been carless. My roommate happens to go to school right near where I work so I've been riding with her. Trouble is, she goes at 6 in the morning! So every day I've gone into work this week I've arrived at 6 AM. I've had to get rides home either from her or a coworker. I still haven't figured out how I'm getting to my improv shows tonight. But the prospect of getting a new car is somewhat exciting. Knowing myself I will get overwhelmed by the options so I am mostly just relying on the input from my car-aficionado friends and family members. I want something blue! :-D

Transportation was less of a problem yesterday. I didn't go into work yesterday at all; instead I took a sick day. I woke up in a hugely anxious state. I've been struggling a lot with anxiety lately. Not panic attacks (I have a friend who suffers those . . . I'm so fortunate not to experience them). Just chronic, existential type anxiety. Much like I have experienced the past 5 years, minus that brief interlude in 2012 when I was in my relationship and it wasn't quite as bad (I guess that's what that relationship was for . . . giving me a little breather).

I definitely have been stuck between figuring out "my passion" and pursuing it and just choosing something straight-forward and stable. I think the latter was my main attraction to med school, sadly. The fairly straight-forward career path sounded attractive to me, even if it didn't quite set my soul on fire. My problem is I keep going toward one thing, and then when I'm at the point where I'm able to apply (or even after sometimes) I lose interest for some reason.

One reason is that all of the things I've looked at require grad school. I admit it: I'm afraid of being in debt. Even the prospect of car payments has me worried, though I know I have the money for it and I'm planning to get something relatively inexpensive. But the idea of debt scares the beejesus out of me. I'm fortunate enough to not be in debt from my undergrad though.

Honestly, one thing that has long held my interest is clinical psychology. As anyone could tell from reading this blog I am a thinker, especially about the ways of human nature and the mind. I enjoy helping people, especially when I can make them feel better when they're feeling down. Whenever I can console Sam, "my breakup buddy," it makes me feel good. And if I could help people struggling with their life plans or their sexuality and help them avoid the lengthy, solitary process that I have gone through, that would be awesome. But the competitiveness of programs, the length, and the prospect of debt and difficulty finding jobs after school has kept me from going down that path. Hence I have focused more on careers with better pay and prospects, i.e., health care. But I've never had a passion for health care. Sure, I like working with people and helping people . . . but I'm just not sure if I can get sufficiently excited about that kind of helping. I don't know. I've been reading a lot of self help stuff lately and trying to get my head straight. Just been hard to sort through all the noise and built up baggage.

But I'm hopeful that I'll figure things out. At least I'm motivated to do so, even though I feel like I'm running in circles at times.

Older . . . wiser?

The sporadic posting continues. I really do want to write more. Not only does this blog help me, but writing is also an activity that I enjoy and want to continue to cultivate. It's just a matter of finding the time and getting myself to write . . .

Now, I actually did write a post a week or two ago. But I just didn't feel like posting it. As I recall I was in the middle of a deep funk and consequently the post was a downer. Yeah I've struggled with a bit of the blues lately. It seems that the pendulum has largely swung back to career concerns after being so focused on dating for the year after my relationship ended.

Not to say dating is completely off my radar. In fact, I downloaded Tinder the other day to give it a try. I actually like it pretty well. I've been chatting with a couple of guys. It's way less scuzzy than Grindr. Though I have been casually seeing a guy I met on Grindr lately. He's an academic from Europe and is a real nice guy. He also lives SUPER close to me. He did try to initiate sexual escapades at our second date though. I asked him to slow down and we ended up making out for a good long while. I was only moderately into it. I think I really am like the stereotypical woman in that I need to have an emotional connection in order to want to do anything with someone. Thus when guys move too fast I am not very responsive, which then feeds back into my worries about my sexuality. I am going to see him again, and hopefully I can ask him to slow things down a bit so I can get to know him better before we tongue wrestle again.

I spent the weekend working a special event in San Diego and spent the nights at my friend Ron's house. He's the one who I casually dated from approximately November to January. Things fizzled back then because of the distance and because he didn't reach out very much. I do know that he had some things in his life going on at the time. I had a very good time with him. I got quite tipsy the first night from drinks he made and ended up cuddling and spooning with him throughout that night. The rest of the weekend we didn't get quite so touchy. I'm a bit torn about him. On the one hand, he's one of the few guys post-Ben that I have been able to muster up some feelings for. On the other hand, he lives quite far and doesn't really seem to show much explicit interest in dating again. Though he certainly didn't discourage the cuddling.

Oh, and I'm 30 now. Bye bye 20s. Ugh, I'm not ready! I don't have my life figured out yet!

Alright that's enough for now. I'll write more about my latest life and career musings later. Until then!