Has it been a month already? Time flies. Well, as is often the case when I don't update regularly, I have a bunch of things to talk about. Too many for one entry. So I'll split it up!
Today's topic: Roger's coming out at Thanksgiving.
First, a recap. Roger is my cousin. I have always been close to him and his brothers, Gavin and Brad. They are like the brothers I never had. Until I received confirmation early this year, I long suspected that Roger was gay, as did many others in the family (and out of the family for that matter). Roger is the type that is fairly obvious . . . but also oblivious to how obvious he is. He's not really feminine . . . I guess a little flamboyant? Hard to really describe. But you'd know. And it's not just his love of Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift and other pop music divas. It's not just his obsessive devotion to working out and posting pics on Instagram of him in his underwear. It's not just that he's never had a girlfriend, but has plenty of "girlfriends." It's just something about his demeanor that causes people to assume. Now of course, all of those things I listed are stereotypes. But when they're all present in one individual, it makes you kind of wonder.
What it didn't make me do, however, was come to a definitive conclusion. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. No matter how many beefcake photos were floating around on Instagram, and no matter how many gay clubs he accompanied me to (at which he ran into people he knew), I was determined to let him come out in his own time, if there was even anything to come out about (oh, who was I kidding?)
When it became apparent that he knew his way around West Hollywood way more than I did, however, I began to get impatient. The final straw was when he came out to my friend Chris when Chris asked him point blank, and followed up the admission with, "Don't tell Cal."
Chris did tell Cal. And Cal did not understand WHY Roger didn't feel comfortable telling him.
I had come out to Roger more than two years earlier! Surely if anyone was safe to tell it would be me!
I had a conversation with him and pretty much confronted him with the issue. And he finally came clean to me. He also gave me permission to tell his two brothers, deciding he didn't want to tell him himself (they were already just as sure as I was, we had speculated together and were worried about Roger).
This began a snowball effect, and Roger subsequently came out to his close friends. He allowed me to tell my parents, and he talked to my mom openly about it at a family gathering (his parents weren't there, they live elsewhere).
He began to target Thanksgiving as the time that he would do the hardest task: come out to his own parents.
Background on Roger's parents: They are very conservative. They practically live in a right-wing bubble. Their home is in a rural gated community, and their only source of news is Fox News and conservative talk radio (so, rather one-sided). They also have been out of the workforce since practically the late 80s, and thus have even more limited exposure to other points of view. They run their own business out of their home now. As such, their views on homosexuality are . . . a bit antiquated. They've never said anything offensive to my face, but they have to my mom. They've expressed their concerns about me getting diseases, or having a shorter lifespan, or being promiscuous. That pissed me off more than a little. Do they know how unpromiscuous I am?
Knowing them as being so conservative and ignorant about gay people, I had been nervous to tell them about myself back in the day, in 2012. More nervous than I was to tell my own parents. Fortunately (?) I didn't have to. Roger took the initiative to tell them himself. It was over the phone. The conversation went something like this:
Roger's parents: So what did you do this weekend, Roger?
Roger: Oh, I hung out with Cal and Ben.
Roger's parents: That's nice. Who's Ben?
Roger: Umm . . .
This is where he could have said, "Cal's friend." Instead he decided to out me. And then he didn't tell me what he'd done until a month later, after I found out through my mom that his parents already knew somehow.
In any case, I digress. I am not vengeful, so I certainly wasn't going to out him to his parents. He needed to do it himself. And I assured him I'd have his back, as would his two brothers. I gave him the following caveats: 1) Don't tell them on Thanksgiving Day. Wait until at least the next day. 2) Don't tell them that a bunch of family members already know, unless you absolutely have to.
Cut to Thanksgiving. My other cousins and I pick Roger up from the airport. He's sporting his earrings in his recently pierced ears. Now, I don't think this is really the signal for "gay" that it used to be. But remember, my uncle and aunt live in a time capsule. Brad figured that this would force the issue, but I was skeptical. They'd seen him with magnetic studs in a Facebook picture. Surely these wouldn't be that big a deal?
Well, they were a big deal. His father pressed him on it, and pressed him on it. Until Roger decided to come clean right then and there.
I don't want to get into too much detail here, as the details of the conversation are between my cousin and his parents. Plus, I wasn't even present. As soon as I got the text from Roger saying "I told my dad!" I decided to go outside to give the family some privacy. Note: this was about 20 minutes before Thanksgiving dinner. Caveat 1 violated.
After loitering around outside in the dark and cold, texting Gavin and Brad to get them home as soon as possible (figures they were gone when this went down!) I tried going back in to see if the discussion was ongoing. I heard a short snippet of conversation indicating that Brad was having to explain who else already knew. Oops, there goes Caveat 2.
Ultimately, it went okay. The topic came up repeatedly over the course of the weekend, but never with me. Gavin talked to them, Brad talked to them, Gavin's fiancee talked to them. I'm sure they probably felt awkward bringing it up with me. I know at one point they asked Roger if I had anything to do with it (as if I corrupted him or influenced him). This pissed me off even though I knew it was coming. Roger had mentioned to me before that they had asked about me in that way. I know they're just ignorant and grasping at straws. Roger insisted that it was something he'd always known, that I had nothing to do with it, and that it was something innate.
In the end, Roger felt hugely better, like a great weight was lifted off his shoulders. I'm happy that I sort of got the ball rolling on his coming out process this year. His parents will take time to adjust. It's one thing when it's your nephew. It's different when it's your own son.
But, I have faith in them. Back when I was with Ben, they chatted with him on Facetime during the holidays. And after my break up, they were the only ones to call me especially to offer their condolences and to express regret that they didn't get to meet him. That phone call was one of the most touching things anyone has ever done for me.
So in the end, they still love Roger. They're not the kind of parents to disown him or try to make him change. And for that I am thankful.
