Found this interesting article about an otherwise straight guy who falls in love and enters a relationship with his male best friend.
I find this kind of story so beautiful.
Friday, August 29, 2014
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Mountain Getaway and Recent Dating
Hello all!
I got my new car! It was a quick, painless process. Got a Mazda3 hatchback, and I even got it in the color I wanted ("crystal blue mica"). Quite different from a truck, but I'm really liking it. I took it up to the mountains a few weekends ago for a big get-together I planned.
THAT was a relaxing weekend. YouTube Guy and his boyfriend came down from the bay area, my cousin Brad came down from Nor Cal, and other friends such as Janice, Walter, and Nina came as well. We rented a cabin, drank, played games, went hiking, lounged around and had an AMAZING dinner. Literally one of the best meals I have ever had. It was the combination of the mountain setting, the great food (YouTube Guy's boyfriend went to culinary school), and of course, being surrounded by awesome friends. I felt a level of happiness that I hadn't felt in a long, long time.
The feeling of well-being lasted for a good week and a half. Yesterday and today I'm struggling a little bit against the blues again, but it's not too bad. I'm feeling more at peace with my professional situation. I've got a good, stable job and have an amazing hobby that I'm passionate about.
I met up with a couple cute, nice guys in the past week. One I've been out with twice so far. The first date was nice, we had dinner and walked around a shopping center. He texted me afterward expressing interest in hanging out again. This past Tuesday I took him to a local beach-side town for the second date. We ate at a really cool fish restaurant, then we walked around. I took him out to a ledge overlooking the crashing waves. It was really serene and beautiful . . . the setting was perfect so I decided to go for a kiss. First to test the waters a bit I put my arm around him, then when he leaned his head against my shoulder I went for it. We kissed for a while, and it was very nice. Afterward I went back to his place. I did not have the intention of going any farther than the making out for this date . . . but one thing led to another and we got frisky in the bedroom.
It was a great night, but I was worried we had moved too fast. I always do prefer letting feelings develop a bit before going that far, but at the same time it seems guys tend to expect things to happen within the first couple dates. I don't want to wind up in a "boat without a rudder" situation with someone else if I'm moving too slowly. Or as Steve had put it, a "weird friendship."
Then to complicate things more, I had a very emotional dream about my ex Ben the night after the date. It involved reconciliation and it stirred rather strong memories and feelings the next morning. That was yesterday, hence why my feeling of well-being has taken a bit of a hit the past few days.
I should recover soon, though. I attended a monthly LGBT social group dinner yesterday, and Jake the Australian was in attendance. Though I still don't see him that often we've grown pretty close, and he's a good source of support. He is taking a hiatus from dating. Seems we're both having a bit of a hard time with it.
My main problem: I'm having trouble developing feelings for guys. With Ben it happened so fast and naturally, but it seems so HARD now. Several guys I've had to disappoint because they were into me and I just didn't feel the same way. It's hard to decide whether it's just the luck of the draw, that I'm just not meeting good matches . . . or whether there's something still broken in me from my past experience. If it's the latter, I just don't know how to fix it. I still think about the past way too much. I still over-idealize HIM way too much. I still get anxious thinking about the prospect of winding up alone because I invested in an unhealthy person and it screwed me up emotionally. I still see all my heterosexual friends pairing up with great people and feel envious.
I try to be patient with myself though. Focus on self-improvement rather than finding someone. It really is the only way.
I got my new car! It was a quick, painless process. Got a Mazda3 hatchback, and I even got it in the color I wanted ("crystal blue mica"). Quite different from a truck, but I'm really liking it. I took it up to the mountains a few weekends ago for a big get-together I planned.
THAT was a relaxing weekend. YouTube Guy and his boyfriend came down from the bay area, my cousin Brad came down from Nor Cal, and other friends such as Janice, Walter, and Nina came as well. We rented a cabin, drank, played games, went hiking, lounged around and had an AMAZING dinner. Literally one of the best meals I have ever had. It was the combination of the mountain setting, the great food (YouTube Guy's boyfriend went to culinary school), and of course, being surrounded by awesome friends. I felt a level of happiness that I hadn't felt in a long, long time.
The feeling of well-being lasted for a good week and a half. Yesterday and today I'm struggling a little bit against the blues again, but it's not too bad. I'm feeling more at peace with my professional situation. I've got a good, stable job and have an amazing hobby that I'm passionate about.
I met up with a couple cute, nice guys in the past week. One I've been out with twice so far. The first date was nice, we had dinner and walked around a shopping center. He texted me afterward expressing interest in hanging out again. This past Tuesday I took him to a local beach-side town for the second date. We ate at a really cool fish restaurant, then we walked around. I took him out to a ledge overlooking the crashing waves. It was really serene and beautiful . . . the setting was perfect so I decided to go for a kiss. First to test the waters a bit I put my arm around him, then when he leaned his head against my shoulder I went for it. We kissed for a while, and it was very nice. Afterward I went back to his place. I did not have the intention of going any farther than the making out for this date . . . but one thing led to another and we got frisky in the bedroom.
It was a great night, but I was worried we had moved too fast. I always do prefer letting feelings develop a bit before going that far, but at the same time it seems guys tend to expect things to happen within the first couple dates. I don't want to wind up in a "boat without a rudder" situation with someone else if I'm moving too slowly. Or as Steve had put it, a "weird friendship."
Then to complicate things more, I had a very emotional dream about my ex Ben the night after the date. It involved reconciliation and it stirred rather strong memories and feelings the next morning. That was yesterday, hence why my feeling of well-being has taken a bit of a hit the past few days.
I should recover soon, though. I attended a monthly LGBT social group dinner yesterday, and Jake the Australian was in attendance. Though I still don't see him that often we've grown pretty close, and he's a good source of support. He is taking a hiatus from dating. Seems we're both having a bit of a hard time with it.
My main problem: I'm having trouble developing feelings for guys. With Ben it happened so fast and naturally, but it seems so HARD now. Several guys I've had to disappoint because they were into me and I just didn't feel the same way. It's hard to decide whether it's just the luck of the draw, that I'm just not meeting good matches . . . or whether there's something still broken in me from my past experience. If it's the latter, I just don't know how to fix it. I still think about the past way too much. I still over-idealize HIM way too much. I still get anxious thinking about the prospect of winding up alone because I invested in an unhealthy person and it screwed me up emotionally. I still see all my heterosexual friends pairing up with great people and feel envious.
I try to be patient with myself though. Focus on self-improvement rather than finding someone. It really is the only way.
Friday, August 1, 2014
Rest in pieces
The inevitable happened. My precious truck, the car I have driven ever since I was 16, is finally on its last legs. My family has been pressuring me to get a new car, but I was convinced I could get a decent number of miles from it still. Looking for a new car was not my top priority. After all, there's that whole matter of figuring out what to do with my life and who to share it with!
But entropy caught up with me, as it always does. My truck's engine started to make a rattling noise last week. I only let it go on a few days before I took it in to Midas to get it checked. Unfortunately . . . by then it was too late. Take note all who read this: if your car's engine makes a rattling sound stop as soon as you can and check the water levels! Turns out my water had been leaking. I guess the radiator cap gasket was worn out or something. In any case, this caused my engine to overheat. By the time I got it into Midas it had already started emitting a strange smell. Well sir, that's the smell of your engine melting!
The prognosis was bleak: I would have to get a rebuilt engine put into my truck, which would cost $5,000. That's more than the car's worth, which means it is time to go car shopping.
Since I was out of town all last weekend I wasn't able to get a new car, so this weekend is the target. Of course, that means this week I have been carless. My roommate happens to go to school right near where I work so I've been riding with her. Trouble is, she goes at 6 in the morning! So every day I've gone into work this week I've arrived at 6 AM. I've had to get rides home either from her or a coworker. I still haven't figured out how I'm getting to my improv shows tonight. But the prospect of getting a new car is somewhat exciting. Knowing myself I will get overwhelmed by the options so I am mostly just relying on the input from my car-aficionado friends and family members. I want something blue! :-D
Transportation was less of a problem yesterday. I didn't go into work yesterday at all; instead I took a sick day. I woke up in a hugely anxious state. I've been struggling a lot with anxiety lately. Not panic attacks (I have a friend who suffers those . . . I'm so fortunate not to experience them). Just chronic, existential type anxiety. Much like I have experienced the past 5 years, minus that brief interlude in 2012 when I was in my relationship and it wasn't quite as bad (I guess that's what that relationship was for . . . giving me a little breather).
I definitely have been stuck between figuring out "my passion" and pursuing it and just choosing something straight-forward and stable. I think the latter was my main attraction to med school, sadly. The fairly straight-forward career path sounded attractive to me, even if it didn't quite set my soul on fire. My problem is I keep going toward one thing, and then when I'm at the point where I'm able to apply (or even after sometimes) I lose interest for some reason.
One reason is that all of the things I've looked at require grad school. I admit it: I'm afraid of being in debt. Even the prospect of car payments has me worried, though I know I have the money for it and I'm planning to get something relatively inexpensive. But the idea of debt scares the beejesus out of me. I'm fortunate enough to not be in debt from my undergrad though.
Honestly, one thing that has long held my interest is clinical psychology. As anyone could tell from reading this blog I am a thinker, especially about the ways of human nature and the mind. I enjoy helping people, especially when I can make them feel better when they're feeling down. Whenever I can console Sam, "my breakup buddy," it makes me feel good. And if I could help people struggling with their life plans or their sexuality and help them avoid the lengthy, solitary process that I have gone through, that would be awesome. But the competitiveness of programs, the length, and the prospect of debt and difficulty finding jobs after school has kept me from going down that path. Hence I have focused more on careers with better pay and prospects, i.e., health care. But I've never had a passion for health care. Sure, I like working with people and helping people . . . but I'm just not sure if I can get sufficiently excited about that kind of helping. I don't know. I've been reading a lot of self help stuff lately and trying to get my head straight. Just been hard to sort through all the noise and built up baggage.
But I'm hopeful that I'll figure things out. At least I'm motivated to do so, even though I feel like I'm running in circles at times.
But entropy caught up with me, as it always does. My truck's engine started to make a rattling noise last week. I only let it go on a few days before I took it in to Midas to get it checked. Unfortunately . . . by then it was too late. Take note all who read this: if your car's engine makes a rattling sound stop as soon as you can and check the water levels! Turns out my water had been leaking. I guess the radiator cap gasket was worn out or something. In any case, this caused my engine to overheat. By the time I got it into Midas it had already started emitting a strange smell. Well sir, that's the smell of your engine melting!
The prognosis was bleak: I would have to get a rebuilt engine put into my truck, which would cost $5,000. That's more than the car's worth, which means it is time to go car shopping.
Since I was out of town all last weekend I wasn't able to get a new car, so this weekend is the target. Of course, that means this week I have been carless. My roommate happens to go to school right near where I work so I've been riding with her. Trouble is, she goes at 6 in the morning! So every day I've gone into work this week I've arrived at 6 AM. I've had to get rides home either from her or a coworker. I still haven't figured out how I'm getting to my improv shows tonight. But the prospect of getting a new car is somewhat exciting. Knowing myself I will get overwhelmed by the options so I am mostly just relying on the input from my car-aficionado friends and family members. I want something blue! :-D
Transportation was less of a problem yesterday. I didn't go into work yesterday at all; instead I took a sick day. I woke up in a hugely anxious state. I've been struggling a lot with anxiety lately. Not panic attacks (I have a friend who suffers those . . . I'm so fortunate not to experience them). Just chronic, existential type anxiety. Much like I have experienced the past 5 years, minus that brief interlude in 2012 when I was in my relationship and it wasn't quite as bad (I guess that's what that relationship was for . . . giving me a little breather).
I definitely have been stuck between figuring out "my passion" and pursuing it and just choosing something straight-forward and stable. I think the latter was my main attraction to med school, sadly. The fairly straight-forward career path sounded attractive to me, even if it didn't quite set my soul on fire. My problem is I keep going toward one thing, and then when I'm at the point where I'm able to apply (or even after sometimes) I lose interest for some reason.
One reason is that all of the things I've looked at require grad school. I admit it: I'm afraid of being in debt. Even the prospect of car payments has me worried, though I know I have the money for it and I'm planning to get something relatively inexpensive. But the idea of debt scares the beejesus out of me. I'm fortunate enough to not be in debt from my undergrad though.
Honestly, one thing that has long held my interest is clinical psychology. As anyone could tell from reading this blog I am a thinker, especially about the ways of human nature and the mind. I enjoy helping people, especially when I can make them feel better when they're feeling down. Whenever I can console Sam, "my breakup buddy," it makes me feel good. And if I could help people struggling with their life plans or their sexuality and help them avoid the lengthy, solitary process that I have gone through, that would be awesome. But the competitiveness of programs, the length, and the prospect of debt and difficulty finding jobs after school has kept me from going down that path. Hence I have focused more on careers with better pay and prospects, i.e., health care. But I've never had a passion for health care. Sure, I like working with people and helping people . . . but I'm just not sure if I can get sufficiently excited about that kind of helping. I don't know. I've been reading a lot of self help stuff lately and trying to get my head straight. Just been hard to sort through all the noise and built up baggage.
But I'm hopeful that I'll figure things out. At least I'm motivated to do so, even though I feel like I'm running in circles at times.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Older . . . wiser?
The sporadic posting continues. I really do want to write more. Not only does this blog help me, but writing is also an activity that I enjoy and want to continue to cultivate. It's just a matter of finding the time and getting myself to write . . .
Now, I actually did write a post a week or two ago. But I just didn't feel like posting it. As I recall I was in the middle of a deep funk and consequently the post was a downer. Yeah I've struggled with a bit of the blues lately. It seems that the pendulum has largely swung back to career concerns after being so focused on dating for the year after my relationship ended.
Not to say dating is completely off my radar. In fact, I downloaded Tinder the other day to give it a try. I actually like it pretty well. I've been chatting with a couple of guys. It's way less scuzzy than Grindr. Though I have been casually seeing a guy I met on Grindr lately. He's an academic from Europe and is a real nice guy. He also lives SUPER close to me. He did try to initiate sexual escapades at our second date though. I asked him to slow down and we ended up making out for a good long while. I was only moderately into it. I think I really am like the stereotypical woman in that I need to have an emotional connection in order to want to do anything with someone. Thus when guys move too fast I am not very responsive, which then feeds back into my worries about my sexuality. I am going to see him again, and hopefully I can ask him to slow things down a bit so I can get to know him better before we tongue wrestle again.
I spent the weekend working a special event in San Diego and spent the nights at my friend Ron's house. He's the one who I casually dated from approximately November to January. Things fizzled back then because of the distance and because he didn't reach out very much. I do know that he had some things in his life going on at the time. I had a very good time with him. I got quite tipsy the first night from drinks he made and ended up cuddling and spooning with him throughout that night. The rest of the weekend we didn't get quite so touchy. I'm a bit torn about him. On the one hand, he's one of the few guys post-Ben that I have been able to muster up some feelings for. On the other hand, he lives quite far and doesn't really seem to show much explicit interest in dating again. Though he certainly didn't discourage the cuddling.
Oh, and I'm 30 now. Bye bye 20s. Ugh, I'm not ready! I don't have my life figured out yet!
Alright that's enough for now. I'll write more about my latest life and career musings later. Until then!
Friday, June 27, 2014
Pink elephants on parade
I know there are plenty of gay guys that have strong opinions about politics. One interesting thing about Handsome Guy was that he was a Republican. It made sense. He grew up on a farm, he's a small business owner and works in finance. When it comes to LGBT issues, his stance was the Republican Party would eventually come around. So he votes based on economic issues.
Personally, I'm not the kind of guy who would make blanket statements such as "I'll never date someone who votes Republican!" I consider myself politically moderate myself.
What are your opinions? Do you think there is an inherent contradiction to being a gay Republican? Would you date someone who was one?
Personally, I'm not the kind of guy who would make blanket statements such as "I'll never date someone who votes Republican!" I consider myself politically moderate myself.
What are your opinions? Do you think there is an inherent contradiction to being a gay Republican? Would you date someone who was one?
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Someday
Well, my intuition about Handsome Guy was correct. After trying a couple times to narrow down another time to meet up he texted me that he just didn't feel a connection. Now if I had been more invested this may have rubbed me the wrong way. Four dates (with bedroom play) into dating, I think, should be more on the phone conversation or in-person chat side of things. But, I didn't react too much. Probably since I had already taken his uncommunicative last couple of weeks as a sign of disinterest, so I wasn't blindsided. I texted him "It's cool man." He thanked me for taking it so well. I responded with, "It's never easy." We chatted back and forth a bit. I suggested he still wasn't quite over his recent break-up (he clearly wasn't), and he responded with a sad, "Yeah, that could be the problem too. Nobody will ever match." I hear you man.
I gave him the advice that I also constantly give myself. It's true that no one will ever match our ex exactly. But that doesn't mean we can't find someone else we can develop feelings for. It will be different, but that doesn't mean it can't be just as good if not better. In fact, if the person values us enough to put work into the relationship and not cut and run in search of greener grass, then that's definitely better!
It's a delicate balance trying to maintain hope of finding someone while also trying to get into the mindset of not needing someone. It seems there are two ways to go. Either the "some day my prince will come" type of thinking, or the "my prince may never come, but I'll still be okay either way." The second way of thinking seems more depressing, but at the same time seems to be the healthier option.
I do think a lot about some of the quality guys that I have let go because the feelings just weren't there for me. Wes and especially Steve being the most recent instances. Steve really would make a good, caring and fun boyfriend. But I just couldn't get excited about him. My greatest fear is holding out for another feeling like Ben gave me and passing great matches by and winding up alone because of it.
How do I know my attraction for my ex was healthy? How do I know the very characteristics that caused him to wall me out and cut me off weren't what drew me to him in the first place?
I gave him the advice that I also constantly give myself. It's true that no one will ever match our ex exactly. But that doesn't mean we can't find someone else we can develop feelings for. It will be different, but that doesn't mean it can't be just as good if not better. In fact, if the person values us enough to put work into the relationship and not cut and run in search of greener grass, then that's definitely better!
It's a delicate balance trying to maintain hope of finding someone while also trying to get into the mindset of not needing someone. It seems there are two ways to go. Either the "some day my prince will come" type of thinking, or the "my prince may never come, but I'll still be okay either way." The second way of thinking seems more depressing, but at the same time seems to be the healthier option.
I do think a lot about some of the quality guys that I have let go because the feelings just weren't there for me. Wes and especially Steve being the most recent instances. Steve really would make a good, caring and fun boyfriend. But I just couldn't get excited about him. My greatest fear is holding out for another feeling like Ben gave me and passing great matches by and winding up alone because of it.
How do I know my attraction for my ex was healthy? How do I know the very characteristics that caused him to wall me out and cut me off weren't what drew me to him in the first place?
Monday, June 23, 2014
June Adventures
I'm still seeing the handsome guy . . . or at least I think I am? We've seen each other a total of four times. And I haven't seen him in the last two weeks. Now, that included my trip to the San Francisco area, but still . . . he used to check in at least once every other day or so via text now he doesn't so much. He is in the middle of a big move and has been working long hours so that might explain part of it. At the same time, if he was really that into me you'd think he would be making more of an effort.
So I've continued meeting up with other guys. I met up with this really cute Brazilian guy over the weekend. He is young, an exchange undergraduate student, but I had a good time with him. Then I met up with a guy from Grindr on Sunday. He seemed like a really nice guy, but I just didn't feel much attraction for him. He liked me though, so I had to respond to his "let's hang out again" text today with the never pleasant let-him-down-gently text.
My San Francisco trip was fun. I spent time with my two friends who live there (YouTube Guy, aka Steven, and his boyfriend Jack), saw a friend from college and his wife, and then on my last day I met up with a guy that I had chatted with on Grindr when he was visiting California several months ago. He was really cool and I had a great time with him (figures). We were amazingly similar in our interests and also had some parallels in our career paths. I definitely plan to stay in touch with him, and if life ever brings me to the bay I definitely know who I'm looking up!
Between my new SF friend and Texas guy, it certainly seems that the guys I click with best tend to be from elsewhere. Sigh. I'll keep chugging.
While in SF, Jack acted as my gay mentor as he often does. He took me clothes shopping to get some more form-fitting clothes of brighter colors than make up my usual palette. Nina and her boyfriend arrived while I was in the dressing room so all three of them plus the gap girl had their say. According to the gap girl, I need to do more squats.
One thing that Jack likes to dish out is dating advice, but I take a lot of it with a grain of salt. I have always used the "be yourself" approach, but he is a proponent of various dating rules such as keeping your emotions close to your chest early on, leave them wanting more, etc. I guess there's something to be said for that, but at the same time I feel like those who play games are more likely to attract other game players.
In other news, improv is going awesomely and is still the highlight of my week. I had multiple shows over the weekend and they all went very well. One particular game I played ended up being the troupe leader's favorite of the night, so he put it up on our troupe YouTube channel.
I am finally applying for a new job title at work, something that I should have done a long, long time ago. It was so hard to focus on that when I was so concerned with coming out, dating, having my first relationship, losing my relationship, struggling with depression, healing, etc. etc. But the time has come. As has the time to finally get serious about the next step. It's been hard to overcome the inertia I've built up, but it's going to have to be done.
So I've continued meeting up with other guys. I met up with this really cute Brazilian guy over the weekend. He is young, an exchange undergraduate student, but I had a good time with him. Then I met up with a guy from Grindr on Sunday. He seemed like a really nice guy, but I just didn't feel much attraction for him. He liked me though, so I had to respond to his "let's hang out again" text today with the never pleasant let-him-down-gently text.
My San Francisco trip was fun. I spent time with my two friends who live there (YouTube Guy, aka Steven, and his boyfriend Jack), saw a friend from college and his wife, and then on my last day I met up with a guy that I had chatted with on Grindr when he was visiting California several months ago. He was really cool and I had a great time with him (figures). We were amazingly similar in our interests and also had some parallels in our career paths. I definitely plan to stay in touch with him, and if life ever brings me to the bay I definitely know who I'm looking up!
Between my new SF friend and Texas guy, it certainly seems that the guys I click with best tend to be from elsewhere. Sigh. I'll keep chugging.
While in SF, Jack acted as my gay mentor as he often does. He took me clothes shopping to get some more form-fitting clothes of brighter colors than make up my usual palette. Nina and her boyfriend arrived while I was in the dressing room so all three of them plus the gap girl had their say. According to the gap girl, I need to do more squats.
One thing that Jack likes to dish out is dating advice, but I take a lot of it with a grain of salt. I have always used the "be yourself" approach, but he is a proponent of various dating rules such as keeping your emotions close to your chest early on, leave them wanting more, etc. I guess there's something to be said for that, but at the same time I feel like those who play games are more likely to attract other game players.
In other news, improv is going awesomely and is still the highlight of my week. I had multiple shows over the weekend and they all went very well. One particular game I played ended up being the troupe leader's favorite of the night, so he put it up on our troupe YouTube channel.
I am finally applying for a new job title at work, something that I should have done a long, long time ago. It was so hard to focus on that when I was so concerned with coming out, dating, having my first relationship, losing my relationship, struggling with depression, healing, etc. etc. But the time has come. As has the time to finally get serious about the next step. It's been hard to overcome the inertia I've built up, but it's going to have to be done.
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