Square one again

Time to take a time out from the thought questions so I can give an update on my dating life. Well, I'm back to zero prospects. The two major prospects, Tinder Guy and Beach Guy, have both run their course.

Tinder Guy has stopped responding to my texts, which is a huge bummer since I really thought he was a cool guy and thought he liked me too.

Beach Guy was starting to become uncommunicative so I texted him indicating that I sensed he was not interested in dating and that was fine, and that I'd like to still hang out if he would. He responded saying he's not sure what he's looking for, he's planning to try to get a job in another state, and he didn't know how to tell me. He did say I'm a great guy though, for what that's worth.

On the positive side of things, I've been feeling better than ever about Ben over the past couple of weeks. A lot of that has to do with some reading I've done about narcissism. Now, I don't think he's got full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but it was quite striking how some of the writings about relationships with a narcissist paralleled by own experience. Especially the three phases of the relationship: idealization, devaluing, and discarding. It calls to mind how enthusiastic Ben was at the beginning, how he grew a bit more distant shortly after telling me he loved me, and then how he jettisoned the relationship suddenly. Now, I know it's foolish to try to psychoanalyze someone from afar, but looking at his behavior through this lens has made a lot of the bizarre things he said and did make sense for the first time. And that has made me feel better, and given me actual reason to believe that it really wasn't my fault (even though logically I knew it wasn't, it was hard to really feel that way). Narcissists have a hard time empathizing with others, and even though they come across as very charismatic and caring at first, they ultimately prioritize their own feelings and ego over the feelings of others. These are things that I decided upon independently about him, even before reading about narcissism. What I know about his childhood is consistent with the theory as well.

Bottom line, thinking along these lines has really helped in knocking him off the pedestal I had him on, which is something I've been struggling to do for the last year and a half.

I was tested the other day when I received an email in my inbox. Someone had apparently had their account hacked or infected or something, and emails with a likely malicious link were sent out to their address book contacts. And guess who that someone was? My heart skipped a beat when I saw his name show up in my inbox, but I immediately saw the generic spam message in the subject line and knew the truth. I laughed about it afterwards.

In other getting-over-the-ex news, I went hiking with my friend Walter in the place where Ben and I went on our third date. I hadn't been back since. That was an important location to "reclaim." It was also the location where Ben gave me the "boat without a rudder" speech and friend-zoned me (temporarily). I remember how disappointed I was that day. If I only knew.