And then John was a zombie

What's with the weird blog title? Well according to the very addictive website TV Tropes, "And then John was a zombie" is "a situation in which a character, frequently a protagonist, is turned into the very thing he or she has been fighting."

What does this have to do with anything? Well, read on.

As the weeks went by since my last entry, I continued to hang out with Steve once or twice a week. We would cuddle, we would kiss. We would joke. Our trip down to see Ron's play was fun. Warning sign one: I found myself more physically drawn to Ron than Steve, even though dating with Ron had fizzled due to the distance and all the things going on in Ron's life.

I couldn't find any glaring incompatibilities and I genuinely enjoyed Steve's company, so I continued to see him. There were some small issues. He definitely was more of a texter than I am. I prefer talking on the phone over the impersonal, imprecise and easily misconstrued excuse for communication that is texting. I explained this to him, and I had a nice conversation on the phone with him a couple times. But he told me he's not really one to initiate phone conversations, partially because he's busy a lot. Sometimes when too much time passed before I texted him he would send a passive-aggressive type of text like "How are you, silent boy?" or the worst one, "Are you still alive?" This really grated . . . bringing back memories of Brody.

Earlier this month I fell into a funk. Cinco de Mayo rolled around, which was the two year anniversary of the start of my relationship with Ben. Thoughts of him always turn into a vicious cycle. I'll think about him and get sad, then try to block out the thoughts and get angry at myself for still thinking about him, then get frustrated that I need to be so hard on myself in order to block the thoughts . . . then I start thinking about memories of him to make me feel better, then I get sad again.

Steve texted me during one of my sad days, and I told him I was feeling a bit moody. He offered a listening ear, and I decided to open up to him about my OCD tendencies and my lingering hurt over my break-up. He was very understanding, and I was glad we talked about it. Still, as my experience with Brody taught me, you have to be careful of how much you talk about your ex with someone who has feelings for you . . . so I didn't go into much detail.

Last night I went over to Steve's place to watch a comedy special with him. Afterward we cuddled on the couch a bit, but I could sense he wanted more. I was just not feeling it. At one point he said in a semi-joking tone, "You're confusing." I knew he wasn't joking.

I had known I needed to talk to him about where we were going, and now was the time. "I feel like we should talk," I said. I told him that even though I really liked him, the feelings just weren't there for me.

This was where the conversation took an unexpected turn: we started talking about how Steve had felt during the time he was seeing me. He felt like he had had to reign in his usual flirtatious behavior because he felt it was not reciprocated. His passive-aggressive texts (which he acknowledged were inappropriate and inferior to being direct) were due to frustration over feeling like it was always him initiating communication (one of his pet-peeves). He felt like I was holding back a lot of the time. As our conversation continued I realized this was the first time I was really being completely open and honest with him. He stated that this Cal was much more attractive than the inhibited guy I had been lately.

I explained to him that I felt I had overcompensated. That since being dumped by the guy I loved I have made it a priority not to do to others what had been done to me. Not to lead them on, and to try to protect their feelings at all costs. Steve took issue with this. "I'm gonna call you out on your bullshit," he said. "I'm a grown-up, and I don't need you to protect me. Relationships come with the risk of getting hurt. It's not your responsibility to protect me from that. I can take care of myself." He also suggested that I was over-thinking things way to much (surprise surprise).

This was probably the part of the conversation when I started to break down. Yes, that's right. I was letting a dating prospect go, and I was the one that was crying. He had hit a little close to home. I realized with horror that by trying so hard not to do what Ben had done to me, I had nevertheless become Ben in my brief relationship with Steve. By trying to protect Steve from hurt, I was shooting any potential relationship in the foot. I didn't reciprocate affectionate gestures because I wasn't sure of my feelings and was so concerned about leading him on. I kept my true self shielded because I wasn't sure how I felt and hoped the feelings would kick in. But feelings can't kick in if you guard yourself. It is only by opening up, by being vulnerable, that feelings are allowed to grow. The flower of love needs oxygen . . . it doesn't need to be held under a magnifying glass. It's a metaphor I told myself countless times after my relationship ended.

Steve told me that at times he had felt a glimmer of potential with me, but in the last week or so his feelings had cooled since it didn't feel like we were progressing anywhere. The slowness made him feel we had more of a "weird friendship" than anything else.

Well, suffice it to say I felt quite bad that I had hurt him. And to his credit, he admitted that he should have brought it up sooner. Overall he was very understanding. He told me I'm a genuinely good guy, and despite my indecisiveness, I'm a lot more of an adult than any of the other guys he has dated. He ended up confiding in him a bit about some of my self-worth issues and the way I put so much pressure on myself. I swear, I got a lot out of that conversation. At the end we both agreed that we really want to remain friends.

I would like that a lot. And unlike Ben, I fully plan to be proactive about it.

Come to think of it, even though in my dating relationship with Steve I took on some of Ben's avoidant characteristics, ultimately the ending was different.

I did not lie. I did not tell anyone I loved them. I did not give false hope of reconciliation. I did not promise a friendship that I had no intention of actively pursuing. And when we had the discussion, I opened up about my own baggage. Something that Ben was never quite comfortable doing.

Maybe in this case, John isn't a zombie after all.

A coming out long in the making

So what's new in the Wonderful World of Cal?

I'm still seeing Steve. He's a really cool guy. Super sweet, really nice. Not quite feeling "sparks" but I'm giving it a little time to get to know him. We're going to see a play tomorrow, so that should be fun. Ron, the last guy I sorta-dated, is the violinist. I've informed them both though, so I don't think it will be awkward. It will be good to see Ron again, and to get a chance to get to know Steve a little bit better. We've only had weeknight dates up to this point since we've both been so busy (he went to Spain for a week, then I spent two consecutive weekends in LA).

Speaking of my trips to LA, they were a lot of fun (well, other than the fender bender I was involved in on the way back from the first one . . . LA traffic UGH). I made some new gay friends, including a really cute couple. One is 25 and the other is 20, and they are both super nice. I've gotten to know the 25-year-old a bit better, as has my friend Sam. They are both gay Christians and go to grad school at the same school, so they have a lot to talk about. Another new friend I made actually came to see me perform in my shows the other night, which was really cool of him! We hung out a bit afterward.

Other big news: my cousin, Roger came out to me at long last. His sexuality has been an open secret for quite some time. In fact, when I came out to him more than two years ago, I was half expecting him to reciprocate. When he didn't, I second guessed myself a bit. I resolved to wait until he felt comfortable, rather than push him.

Fast forward some time and it became pretty blatantly obvious that he is gay, but he still hadn't told me. He demonstrated a familiarity with West Hollywood that put mine to shame, had an Instragram account full of beefcake selfies (he is quite ripped), disappeared some nights we hung out with suspiciously weak stories about where he'd been . . . Basically his other two brothers and I had made up our minds about him and were just waiting for him to come out. Except he didn't.

The final straw happened last weekend in two parts. First, my new friend the 25 year old let slip that Roger had come out to him, but had said "Don't tell Cal." (WTF??) Second, I found what was obviously Roger's Grindr account. That night I finally had a talk with Roger, and expressed how I was feeling rather shafted by his secrecy. I told him I had opened out to him two years prior despite some hesitation about how he would take it, but felt I needed to do it because I had suspected he might be dealing with similar issues. I told him how I felt like he didn't trust me, and I wanted to assure him that he could trust me.

I never wanted to push him like this, but he has a bit of a naive streak and I have been worried as of late that he might be taken advantage of or get in a bad situation. My trust of him and comfort around him was also starting to be affected, since it was so apparent that he was keeping things from me when I was always so honest with him. I didn't want our relationship to begin to erode.

Bottom line, the conversation went very well. He opened up to me about exactly how long he had been keeping it a secret (he's one of those who has pretty much always known). I told him how despite his attempts, it wasn't much of a secret. He was actually quite surprised to know this . . . he had thought he had been doing a good job. He gave me permission to tell his brothers about our conversation, so I said I would (and I did the next day . . . turns out the older one Gavin already knew, because Roger had fessed up to Gavin's fiancee when she asked). His parents, however, are off limits. I wouldn't want to tell them anyway (even though Roger is the one who outed me to them . . . what can I say, I'm not one to retaliate haha).

I do feel like he will be better off after he tells his parents, but that is something he has to do in his own time. But now that his two brothers and I have been brought into the "circle of trust," I told him we will have his back whenever he chooses to do it.

Already in the last week he seems a lot more at ease and has been sharing more with me than ever about himself and his burgeoning dating life. Hurray!

Dates with Steve, and Vegas

Phew, I'm exhausted. I signed up for a two month long online fitness class and just tried one of the workouts. It was a lot more volume than I'm used to, and I've been out of the gym for several weeks due to being sick (again, argh).

Aaaanyways . . .

I've gone out with Jake's friend several times now. So I guess he deserves his own pseudonym . . . let's call him Steve. Steve is a really cool guy. He's got a great personality. Really funny (sarcasm and self-deprecation are his specialties, haha) and nice. He's pretty cute, though he has a beard which is not usually my preference. We have a lot in common, including a love of entertainment (including improv, he loved it even before he saw my show), music, and traveling (in fact, he's traveling abroad this week). He's also by all appearances quite interested in me. I hung out at his place after the second date (we didn't do anything as I was still sick), and after the third date we made out and cuddled in the back of his car.

Intellectually, I feel a lot more compatibility than I did with one of my more recent prospects, Wes. Distance-wise, he lives a LOT closer than Ron (only about 15-20 minutes away).

Sounds like a match, right? Well, I still have my apprehensions. The excitement-right-off-the-bat feeling wasn't there with him. And I still have that fear of hurting someone that tends to get activated when someone shows a lot of interest in me early on that I don't quite reciprocate.

I'm actually kind of glad that he's out of the country this week. It gives me some time to relax and get my head straight before he returns and we continue spending time together. I am definitely enjoying his company and definitely want to get to know him better. I just need to make sure that things go at the right pace. This one seems promising, but I want to make sure I proceed properly.

Meanwhile, my long-distance flirtationship with the Texan is still going. We check in with each other at least a couple times a week, send each other pictures and occasionally get into conversations. Hopefully our correspondence can continue, if in a toned down fashion, when I get into a relationship locally. It would be cool to meet in person and make a new friend someday. I must say, I get more excitement from him . . . perhaps it's the unavailability due to distance.

My mood is much improved. I do still think about my last relationship a lot, and do still miss Ben quite a bit. But I'm not overly sad about it very much lately. I had a conversation with Janice on the phone yesterday, and she always helps me put things in perspective. She reminded me that even if Ben is still with the guy he replaced me with in 3 months, it doesn't necessarily mean that the relationship is healthier. In fact, she suggested that maybe it has more conflict than ours did. Maybe in some way that's what he wants. More little fights might distract him from his tendency to gaze at greener grass. It was an interesting theory, and it made me feel better even though I know such speculation is pointless and the state of his current relationship doesn't and shouldn't concern me. Eventually I hope to reach the point of total indifference. In the meantime, such speculation gives me alternative scenarios to think about besides "I wasn't good enough."

As the preceding paragraph probably makes clear, I am certainly not over Ben entirely. It has been a looong time, and though I do feel I continue to make progress, I am also self-conscious of the fact that I am not yet over it and do worry about the implications for any future relationships. At the same time, I feel like a new relationship could help further my healing process.

In other recent news, I went on a Las Vegas trip with a bunch of (straight friends). They took me to a strip club, which was my first experience going to one. They wanted to go to one that had both female and male strippers, but by the time we got there (Club Sapphire), the male strippers were gone. That was NOT my scene. I lasted maybe 20 minutes before I started to get very anxious and had to leave and take a taxi back to the hotel. Would I be more comfortable around male strippers? Maybe. Although one thing I didn't like was how aggressive the strippers are. If you could just sit back and enjoy the sights without being targeted that'd be one thing, but it seems as soon as you sit down some girl is coming to offer you a lap dance. Right when I first walked into the bar a girl with a real bad attitude tried to lead me to the bar to get (her) a drink. She kept asking me the same questions over and over ("What's your name? Where are you from?") and seemed just generally out of it. I pawned her off on my friend and went and hid in the bathroom. I'm not ashamed. Haha.

So that was my strip club experience!

All-American Boy

Anyone heard of Steve Grand? He's a singer/songwriter from Chicago who is openly gay and had a viral hit last summer with the music video for his song, "All-American Boy." Since then he has released two more songs, including the extremely catchy "Stay." The media outlets tend to label him country, but I don't really think of him that way. Oh, and he is extremely attractive (he's a former underwear model). The most remarkable thing is that he's no novelty act . . . his songs are actually really good!

He's been running a Kickstarter campaign for the last month to fund his debut album. It's the first crowd-funding campaign that I have contributed to. Amazingly, he met his $80K goal in just 17 hours. Now he's up to more than $200K. It's one of the most successful music campaigns that Kickstarter has done. The campaign closes on Sunday, so if you'd like to contribute, be sure to do so ASAP!

Here's the link: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/stevegrand/all-american-boy-the-album

Meeting someone new

It's been a fun weekend so far. The Texan and I are still texting back and forth. We haven't had a really long conversation for several days, but we've both been very busy. 

I had a Grindr conversation with a local guy on Friday. After chatting for a while it became apparent that we had a mutual friend: Jake the Australian! Jake had told the guy he was going to see a friend in an improv show over the weekend and I told the guy I'm in a troupe. Didn't take long for him to put the pieces together. He decided to come with Jake to the show so he could see me perform and meet me.

Before we ended our conversation that night another revelation occurred. After I sent the guy my phone number he realized we had texted before . . . He was a guy from a dating website who I had tried to set up a meet with a year ago! He had flaked out back then, and he was apparently very remorseful. I told him not to worry about it. He could make it up to me by coming to my show.

Come he did, as did Jake and my friend Walter. After the show we all hung out at a bar for a while, then got late night burgers. He seems like a nice guy. Pretty cute, smart, and a very active sense of humor. He and I bantered back and forth a lot. When we parted he expressed the hope of meeting up one on one sometime. I told him that would be cool.

Not to beat a dead horse, but it is a thought that crossed my mind: he's in the same profession that a certain ex was when I first met him. But he seems to handle the stress of said profession a lot better. Perhaps a sign of more emotional stability.

My siblings and the Texan

Hey all!

First of all, I'll answer a question I got in a recent comment from fan of casey. I'm close to my sisters and have always gotten along well with them. However, I am a lot closer to my cousins despite the fact that my sisters have lived much closer for most of my life. This is largely because I'm a lot closer in age to my cousins. My sisters are from my mom's first marriage, and there's quite an age gap. My cousins, on the other hand, I grew up with and thus have more in common with. 

The older sister has been married to one guy most of my life. The younger one is a serial monogamist who is never long without a boyfriend. It felt so good to no longer be the only one of my mom's kids without a significant other, if only for a short while. I look forward to having that again someday.

I always feel like I should visit my sisters more often. They live close enough that I should really see them more, but far enough that it needs to be a day trip pretty much.

In other news Im still texting with the Texan every day. I talked to him on the phone for the first time last night. I don't know what could become of this, but I'm enjoying it nonetheless.

I've gone out three times with a guy that lives pretty close to me. Nice guy, and was the same class as me at my alma mater university. I'm not sure I feel enough of a connection, though. He's quite feminine, which in small amounts can be attractive but I feel with him it's a bit too much. Also he seems to be a bit of a homebody at heart, while I'm usually most attracted to active guys who love to go out and do things and travel (hello Texan! Haha) He's so nice and close though! Why do I only have interest in unavailable guys? Ben was emotionally unavailable, now the Texan is geographically unavailable!

Oh well. Corresponding with the Texan is fun. I just hope I'm not making a mistake by turning down perfectly good, available guys like Wes and this new guy.

Cast of characters

Partially for my benefit, and also for the benefit of anyone who might find what is written here interesting enough to follow, I will summarize some of the more prominent people in my life. All names have been changed, so this will help me keep their pseudonyms straight!

So without further adieu, here is the cast of characters in the life of Cal . . .

Family

My mom: She has long been one of my closest confidants. Coming out to her was difficult and it took several years to complete the process, but now she is totally supportive. Though Republican she is generally very open-minded and relatively socially liberal. Lives in the Midwest with my dad.

My dad: I've always had a good relationship with him, though he is not the most communicative person. He is very outspokenly conservative, which made it very hard for me to come out to him. Turns out he's more libertarian than anything else, so the whole gay thing doesn't bother him. He still doesn't support gay marriage though.

Gavin, Roger, and Brad: My three cousins. They are my best friends in the world and among the first people I fully came out to. Gavin is the older one that lives on the east coast, has a great job and is dating a model. Roger is the one who also lives in So Cal and is most likely gay as well, but not out (to his family at least, including me!) Brad is the youngest one, and though our age difference is the greatest I am closest to him. We are intellectually very similar and he is the first person I fully came out to.

In addition to them I have two sisters, and several nephews, nieces, uncles and aunts, and a couple other cousins.

Friends

Janice: My only close female friend, she is like a sister to me. People used to think we were related, or a couple. She, along with my mom and Brad, is one of my closest confidants, though I don't really see or talk to her that often these days.

Walter: My good friend that I've known since high school. 

Tom: A friend who has become close over the years. He has a rather interesting personality that can be a little much at times, and is socially rather awkward. However he has proved to be a very loyal friend and has given me a lot of support over the years.

Phillip: A college friend who is among my closest friends.

YouTubeGuy, aka Steven: Now that this guy has become one of my good friends I think he deserves a proper pseudonym. I met him before my coming out process by finding his YouTube channel. He lived across the country back then but has since moved to Northern CA with his boyfriend, Jack. He played a huge role in my coming out process, as we supported each other over long distance. We got into relationships around the same time.

Jack: Steven's boyfriend, who has become a good friend in his own right. Since Steven is so busy with work and is not the best texter, I often communicate with Jack instead.

Lance: One of my best friends from college. I pretty much fell in love with him back then, which was the major event that got me questioning my sexuality. Oh, and he's straight, and I never told him about that. He dropped off of the radar for several years, which hit me hard, but eventually we got back in touch. Now my feelings for him are long gone and we are just friends.

Sam: A friend that I met through an online dating site. I used to refer to him as my "Breakup Buddy" since we both went through tough breakups in 2013 and supported each other. We still provide each other a listening ear when memories of our past relationships get us down.

Wes: A friend that I met on Grindr. We dated for about a month. I appreciated his emotional availability, but ultimately I called it off because I just wasn't feeling enough of a connection and I was afraid of hurting him like I had been hurt in the past. He took it hard, but we were able to remain friends. He has since befriended a bunch of my friends and often will come to get-togethers (even when I can't!)

Nina: A college friend who is quite a wild girl but is also a very sweet, considerate person. She has had plenty of experience with both guys and girls but now has a long-term relationship with a rather low-key guy who compliments her quite well. She often organizes get-togethers and also enjoys trying to make me over or set me up with guys (the one time she tried it ended up being a straight guy . . . oops!)

Bill: Another gay friend I met online. He has become a cool friend to hang out with. He lives a bit far from me so I don't see him often.

Jake: One of the first guys I went out with. He's an Aussie that didn't quite feel a spark with me, but we have remained friends since then. I don't see him too often, but he was definitely an important part of my coming out process.

Other

Ben: My emotionally troubled ex who I fell in love with and got dumped by after I had let my guard down. I don't want to ruminate too much about him on this blog for fear of turning into a broken record, but since he is still on my mind a lot (and he is at this time the only person I have had a serious relationship with), his name is bound to come up. For the full story, both the good times and bad, see my old blog.