Yep, I've definitely fallen off blogging again.
When I started this new blog I was all determined to start writing a lot more regularly. It didn't quite happen.
Perhaps one reason is, even though I was trying to move forward from the "All Mixed Up" version of Cal, over the past couple months I feel like I've sort of slid back into it. Once again the inner critic is becoming extremely vocal. The anxiety is rising. The ruminations growing. The career questions returning. The longing for my former relationship, which is now more than 2 years dead, resuming.
Maybe it's embarrassment? I want this to be the story of a guy who starts out hopelessly lost and confused, but gradually finds himself and builds the life of his dreams. I don't want it to be the story of a guy who keeps running in circles in his own mind, beating the same couple of issues to death over and over and over again.
At the same time, I know that what I should be aiming for in my writing is authenticity. Regardless of how frustrating and repetitive my issues are for me, they are still real.
The latest back slide was exacerbated by the guy that I've been going out with for the past month and a half or so. He's a really nice, cute guy who one might call a gaymer. We get along very well, have quite a number of things in common, and generally enjoy each others' company. However, over the past week I started to sense what could be a pulling away on his part. Knowing from past experience the consequences of ignoring such feelings, I decided to ask him at lunch over the weekend what his thoughts were about us. He told me he'd like to keep seeing each other for now, but he's not quite sure of our chemistry.
And there it is, that word that keeps sabotaging my most promising relationships. Chemistry was what my ex Ben cited as a problem, and it was also apparently something that Dean found lacking (in bed at least). The fact that this keeps happening leads me to two possibilities: 1) There is an epidemic among gay men of holding out for some elusive "feeling" at the expense of things like compatibility, similarity, etc. 2) There is something about me that is blocking guys from feeling chemistry with me.
Maybe it's my less-than-average sexual drive. Or maybe I'm still too guarded because of my bad experience (obviously that doesn't explain my ex, only the guys since). Or maybe it is just the luck of the draw. Whatever it is I'm afraid of getting trapped in a vicious cycle, where each subsequent failure makes me lose more hope, and thus have an even harder time connecting with romantic prospects. I've got to break the cycle somehow.
I've set up a phone consultation with a therapist based in San Francisco that specializes in gay male relationships. A lot of things on his website resonated with me. I know that a lot of my problems are in my head. By continuing to idealize my old relationship and allowing myself to lose hope, I'm setting myself up for failure. I've got to learn not to depend on finding someone. I've got to learn how to be happy on my own.
I'm reading a book called "Stumbling on Happiness" by Daniel Gilbert, a psychologist at Harvard. It's very interesting so far, though I'm not very far into it. Basically, it's about how human beings really aren't good about predicting what will make them happy.
I'd love to stumble in the right direction soon!
The chemistry issue isn't you.
ReplyDeleteThink about a time when you started at a new job or a new school and had no friends. Now think about how you met your best friends from that job or school. Chances are, the circumstances weren't special. Chances are, you met many others in similar ways. What makes for chemistry, in a meaningful friendship or relationship, is an inexplicable connection that you feel, often (but not always) from the very first few minutes you meet.
For the most part, you can't make chemistry happen. You can build on it, if it's already there, but you can't contort yourself into making it happen. The primary key to finding a relationship with chemistry is to meet as many new people as you can. Ultimately it's a numbers game. You meet someone and *boom* you click.
All that said, I'm learning that it *is* possible to modify your behavior so that others will give you time to let natural chemistry grow. Basically you need to learn how to flirt and how to make yourself emotionally vulnerable without appearing needy. Playful flirting using your eyes, verbal sparring and/or subtle touching can be highly erotic, especially if done without others noticing. And being emotional open draws a person in, just as being emotionally closed keeps them out. The trick is be open and somewhat mysterious at the same time. Not an easy feat.
Flirting and being emotionally open are skills that can be learned but they're often a challenge for introverts. We need to be patient with ourselves and practice a lot in order to build confidence. It's kind of like learning to play a new sport. You might never be a star player but you can certainly hone your skills and make dramatic improvements if you work at it.
Also, desire flows most easily from chemistry. When you genuinely and mutually connect with someone, you won't be able to keep your hands off each other. You just can't help it!
Sorry (again) for writing such a long comment but I strongly identify with many of your struggles and I always enjoy your posts.
Thanks TwoLives, I always enjoy your insights. I agree that for the most part you can't force chemistry. I guess I'm just afraid that there's something about me that I'm doing wrong that is preventing chemistry from happening. Whether it is, as you say, not being emotionally vulnerable enough, I'm not sure. It probably also has to do with my cerebral and cautious nature. It's something I will continue to work on.
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