It's been a long time. I thought I would write an entry, even though I don't know if many read this anymore.
Since the last time I wrote there's been two guys that I've gone on dates with. One I actually dated casually for about three months, which is the longest I've gone out with one guy since I've been single. He was quite a bit younger and also religious, but he was very nice and sweet and a great cuddler. He also wanted to take things slowly in the bedroom, which I definitely prefer. In fact, he even seemed to want to go slower than even I wanted! However, a month or so in I detected that there might not be lasting potential with him. He was not quite as communicative as I would like. I prefer guys that are very good at maintaining conversations without me having to do all the leg work. While shy introverts can be cute, I'm already introverted enough and prefer someone a little more gregarious for dating. However, I admittedly was enjoying what we had (whatever it was) and was in no hurry to end it. I wasn't in a hurry to define it either, though. Eventually, the guy's grad school got busy and he started texting me less and less. When he stopped responding to my texts I knew it was over. Still, ghosting irritates the hell out of me (especially after 3 months), so I sent a worried "I hope everything's okay" text to get him to respond. When he did, I knew it was over by his lame excuse. Freaking use your words people! Ghosting is NOT okay.
Something similar happened with the next guy, who was a lot more talkative and a lot closer to my age. We seemed to have a lot in common and he seemed to really like me. However, a few dates in, HIS grad school got busy and suddenly he had difficulty responding to texts and dropped off the face of the earth.
Both times, it happened after intimacy started to increase, which just reinforces my feelings of sexual inadequacy. It doesn't help that I still haven't gone "all the way." I just can't get myself to do it as a casual hook up. I've even had a friend offer to pop my cherry, but that is just all sorts of weird to me. I know part of it is my fears about STIs. Someone close to me confided that they are now HIV+ which served to drive the danger home. Now, I know they are a lot more promiscuous and weren't using proper protection at the time, but for an anxious guy like me it's hard to get over those fears.
In other news, my ex Ben has been on my mind more lately (probably because I don't currently have any prospects). It happens less these days than it used to (it had better, it's been 4 years and it was only an 8 month relationship), but it still happens. Then today my sister (who is still Facebook friends with him for some reason) gives me some news: he's engaged. To the guy that he started dating 3 months after he dumped me.
I know this feeling is something that happens to a lot of people. The feeling of when your ex gets engaged is especially painful when you were still in love with them when they dumped you, and the fact that he found the love of his life in 3 months when it took me two years to even find another guy that I could feel strongly for (who, like Ben, didn't feel the same) . . . it sucks. I am continually trying to pep talk myself. If he could do it, you can do it. It's a numbers game.
But when guy after guy who seems interested ends up ghosting me . . . it's easy to get disheartened.
I'm thinking of reactivating my paid membership on Match. That site is, after all, the only one I got an actual relationship from. Tinder and OkCupid have led to decent short flings here and there, but no one that I really felt like I clicked with strongly and no one that really seemed ready for a serious relationship like Ben was. And a friend of mine met his husband on Match a few years back. It's worth a try.
