Thank you for being a pal

Another wonderful weekend spending time with Thomas. Uh oh. This time I didn't quite make it out without feeling down about it.

I enjoy hanging out with him so much. This is seriously Version 2.0 of my first relationship, at least so far. In that I met someone online, dated him for a a while, starting falling for him, got friend zoned, and now have been trying to navigate being friends while my feelings grow even stronger.

I know it's not sustainable. I figure I need to act sooner rather than later. It's not fair to either of us. So I'll probably try to hang out with him a lot less next weekend, and instead get coffee or something and have a chat so that we are on the same page.

I definitely got mixed messages from him over the weekend. On the one hand, he invited me to accompany him to all sorts of get-togethers. And we had dinner last night, just the two of us, in a very date-like atmosphere. And he gave me a kiss on the cheek when we parted ways on Saturday night.

BUT . . .

He jokingly called me a "cock-blocker" when he had to turn down a guy's offer to go for a walk at the beach because he was waiting for me to show up. And probably most damning of all, when we parted ways Sunday night he thanked me for hanging out and for being "such a pal." Then later that night after I texted him that I'd made it home safely, he reiterated his thanks and used the word "pal" again. Doesn't get much clearer than that.

So pretty much I am squarely in the friend zone, which is to be expected since I was . . . well . . . explicitly friend zoned earlier this year.

I just don't get how someone who I get along with SO well, who I have SO much in common with, who I share so many interests with, who shares my sense of humor . . . can fail to reciprocate my feelings. All that is enough for me to feel something, why isn't it enough for him?

Well, I do get it. I'm pretty sure he doubts our sexual chemistry. Because we didn't bump uglies when we were dating before. Nevermind that one or both of us was sick for most of that time.

I don't want to lose his friendship. Having him in my life makes me a happier person (well, except for today, haha). Finding a kindred spirit really makes you feel less alone in the world, you know?

BUT . . .

I felt the same way about Ben. And I was persistent in my pursuit of him. I did successfully have my first and only relationship because of my stubborn rejection of being friend-zoned. But ultimately I lost him completely from my life.

So I guess I'm just worried that history will continue to repeat itself. I know that just because something starts the same doesn't mean it will end the same. I guess I just need to tell him how I feel and hope for the best. Best scenario: he reciprocates. Okay scenario: he doesn't feel the same, but it doesn't affect our friendship in a negative way. Bad scenario: he doesn't feel the same and our friendship sours.

Guess I just gotta act. Any suggestions on how to bring it up, how to word it?

A great weekend and a growing friendship

I'd say I'm recovered from the disappointment that had me down when I wrote the last entry. Maybe I'm getting quicker at bouncing back? Maybe so.

I had an amazing weekend. I spent it in and around Los Angeles, hanging out with friends. I had lunch with my good friend Sam, my old "breakup buddy" who helped me cope with my breakup when I met him back in 2013. I hadn't seen him in several months, so it was good catching up. He's in a relationship now, and I'm extremely happy for him.

Much of the rest of the weekend I spent with Thomas. It hadn't been my original intention to spend so much time with him, but after we hung out as planned he invited me to several more events so I tagged along. I had a blast spending time with him, and I felt like we became closer friends. What's more, the experience did not make me sad at all (as you may recall, Thomas is the one I dated this year that I liked the most . . . he's the first guy since Ben that I liked to such a high degree). While I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish things could go somewhere beyond friendship with him, I've realized that I really enjoy his friendship as well, and if that's all I'll get then that's still a really good thing. He really is a joy to be around, and we have a lot in common, from a love of improv to interest in movies to the tendency to break out into song at the slightest provocation. Heck, even if all my dating exploits never result in a lasting boyfriend, friends like Thomas will still make it all worth it. Still . . . part of me wishes . . .

Meanwhile I'm chatting with several guys on Tinder, so I'm sure it won't be long before I go on some more dates. I think I'm becoming more comfortable with the sheer amount of dead ends that dating involves. For every great friend like Sam or Thomas that results from online dating, there's like 20 guys that go nowhere, whether they are duds from the first date, start promisingly and then suddenly do a 180 (like the guy who cooked for me) or just disappear entirely (like the young guy). I think for a long time I had trouble reconciling the inevitable high failure rate of dating with the fact that I had my first relationship with the second guy I went out with. For a long time I felt like it was because there was something broken in me. But really it's because I know what I want. I want someone that makes me excited, like Ben did, like Thomas did (does). I don't think it's unreasonable to hold out for that.

Though the fear of ending up alone does rear its ugly head more often than I'd like.